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Internet Oracularities #322

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322, 322-01, 322-02, 322-03, 322-04, 322-05, 322-06, 322-07, 322-08, 322-09, 322-10


Usenet Oracularities #322    (13 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 3 Jul 91 08:18:38 -0500

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322   13 votes 34330 23431 32530 23431 34411 14521 22441 33331 50530 41332
322   2.7 mean  2.5   2.8   2.6   2.8   2.5   2.8   3.0   2.7   2.5   2.8


322-01    (34330 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> abort

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, usually I agree with you pro-choicers, but commanding
} people through e-mail, is just a bit too tasteless. One question does
} pop to mind though:
}       Why wasn't this sent to the Quayle family about 37 years ago?


322-02    (23431 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Grand and Most Exalted Oracle, Who in His Majesty can both keep
> his feet on the ground AND keep reaching for those stars, and Whose
> Power and Wisdom exceeds even the dreams of Avarice, tell me o tell me
>
>      How do traffic cones reproduce, parthenogenesis, conjugation,
>      what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I had hoped nobody would ever ask me this, for this is one of the
} darkest and most evil subjects it has been my misfortune to know.
} However, since you included the appropriate amount of praise complete
} with Capital Letters and with a suitably small number of misspellings,
} I am bound by the fact that this is a Sunday to reply truthfully:
}
} Traffic cones are not what they may at first appear to be.  The
} question of their reproductive methods is somewhat beside the point, as
} you will soon see.  Traffic cones, no, let us call them by their true
} name, this is a time for truth - Vketlughs are in fact sinister
} pseudo-invaders from another net.  They are here in great numbers
} already, and they are nearly indestructable (when they are damaged,
} they wait until it's dark and then gradually regenerate, sucking energy
} and raw materials when needed from unwary stray cats), so they have no
} need to reproduce yet.  In fact, the only avenue of attrition among
} their numbers is theft by young people, and in fact this fits right in
} with their evil designs.  Their original purpose was to take over and
} cause irreversible environmental damage, economic chaos, global
} military strife, widespread disease and poverty, net-wide mail
} blockages and disco music; however, they soon found that our political
} leaders were already busily engaged in just those nefarious
} activities... so, their tiny plasticine brains are currently engaged in
} plotting another dreadful scheme to subvert all that we have worked to
} achieve.  They have infiltrated society at thousands of key strategic
} locations and I believe they are busily working to subvert the Net
} itself. For reasons which would be beyond your mortal comprehension, I
} am powerless to stop them.  Write your congressman! ^[v


322-03    (32530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who has slain my patent leather shoes, which once were so black and
> gay?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Who" must, naturally denote Charlie Whang Who, famous Chinese
} nationalist and admitted racist. For details, we take you to the front
} page of the LA Times:
} "Gay Man Slain by Crazed Gunman"
} (AP)
}     Terror raigned supreme on Eighth Avenue today when Willie Boyd,
} famous for his "I'm Black, I'm Gay, and I'm Rich!" speech, was gunned
} down by Charlie Whang Who, leader of the Chinese Movement to Protect
} Copyrights.
}     Boyd, 43, was declared legally dead on the scene after ingesting a
} face full of dim-sung at Who's Chinese Inn, located east of the San
} Fransisco Castro District.  Police, who responded from the doughnut shop
} next door, reported that Boyd appeared to have been in a discussion with
} Who prior to his death.
}     "There were scuff-marks on the walls.  There appeared to have been
} some sort of struggle," said police agent Doyle Jackson, senior
} investigator for the SFPD.  "We're officially listing this as death by
} noodle.  Boyd kicked the wall, then he kicked the bucket.  Sadly, that
} bucket happened to be filled with dim-sung, which is not to be taken
} through the nose."
}     Who, 51, was widely known throughout the city for his often viscious
} attacks upon patent lawyers, was taken into custody, where he made a
} full confession.
}      "I've finally done it!  I've protected the freedom of shoemaker
} throughout the free world!  Boyd tried to registed a patent yesterday,
} claiming that *his* shoes wouldn't leave scuff-marks.  Hah!  Just look
} at my walls!  Covered, with black heel marks!  And they say I'm
} crazy....."
}
} With that, Who was led off into protective custody, where he is
} reportedly doing well, and has taken up knitting.
} ................
} You owe the oracle a new set of sneakers, without patents.


322-04    (23431 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle neat mighty and magnificent and who_is
> everybody notation reverse_polish use why_doesn't
>   tell_me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Follower strange intriguing and confused and who_is
} everybody the_Oracle go_insane would_see because.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tape player that plays in reverse.


322-05    (34411 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What can you tell me about the value of a NCR Tower 1632?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can tell you many things.  For instance, the effectiveness of a
} planning committee is inversely proportional to its size.  The whole of
} creation can be extrapolated from examining the indentations of a
} basketball.  It is too warm in my temple for brie.  The Pittsburgh
} Steelers will, one day, have a winning season.
}
} Henceforth you might consider grovelling a tad more.
}
} However, I will be merciful.  An NCR Tower 1632 has many uses, not the
} least of which is a planter for the flora of your choice.  It makes a
} nice decorative doorstop.  Store valuables in it.  Nail it to your wall
} for a conversation piece.  The value of it, however, is a very
} subjective measurement.  It depends on just how attached to it you are.
}  You could always use it as a scratching post if you cover it with
} carpet, however if you want something furry and cuddly around the
} house, go out and buy a cat.
}
} For this service you owe the Oracle a twinkie, sent via Federal
} Express, and a set of thumbscrews, for later entertainment.


322-06    (14521 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty ORACLE, thou art omniscient, omnipresent,
> omnipotent, and several other "omni"s (Including a 1986 Dodge Omni that
> gets great mileage, only 2000 miles on it ((I'm still trying to figure
> that one out.))) I eagerly await inlightenment. Tell me oh ORACLE, why
> is it that well built blondes, are thought to be stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you forgot the Omni stadium in Atlanta, but the Oracle is feeling
} generous today, so I'll accept your groveling as sufficient.  (By the
} way, dump that Dodge Omni soon, it'll be in a head-on collision in
} September.)
}
} You have asked a very perplexing question, my son, and one which a
} certain beer commercial has caused to become a FAQ for the Oracle.
} However, Kinzler keeps losing the FAQ file (or so he claims), so I have
} to keep re-answering frequent questions such as this.  That's OK,
} though, because like your high school social sciences teacher told you,
} we keep changing the answers, anyway.
}
} Actually, blondes are the most intelligent humans, and we all know that
} women are more intelligent than men.  (Right, Lisa?)   {You're d***ed
} right, Ory!}
}
} This only leaves the question of why well-built or stacked blondes....
}
} (Ow!  Lisa let go of my ....)
} {You dirty dog!  I KNEW you were thinking about that blonde you met at
} Zeus's party last aeon!}
} (What, Hera?  Forget her, besides, she's already spoken for.)
} {Well you can just sleep in the living room tonight!}  SLAM!
}
} Um, before I can complete this answer, you owe the Oracle a dozen
} roses, Quickly!!


322-07    (22441 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me all!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It would take far too long, more time than your mortal life contains,
} to tell you ALL, but you can read it!  Just send $49.95 to Divine
} Publications Division, Time/Life Books, and you will receive the first
} volume of our new series, _The Usenet Oracle Tells It All_.  Subsequent
} volumes will be sent, automatically, at the same low cost, each week
} for the rest of your life. Submission of your question is an automatic
} subscription.  But don't miss a payment; our collection department uses
} a full range of plagues and poxes as finance charges.  Happy reading!
} (Offer void where prohibited by Zeus).
}
} You owe the Oracle a Ginsu knife and collection of Zamphir's Greatest
} Hits.


322-08    (33331 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise, wonderful, witty, and all-knowing Oracle,
>
> Can you tell me why there are so few female hackers and crackers and
> D&D players around?  I like all three, and yet, I find myself
> constantly surrounded by males.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are lots of D&D players, crackers, and female hackers around;
} you're probably not looking in the right places.  Look for D&D players
} in the tunnels under any local university, or in dimly lit basement
} rooms.  Crackers are readily available in the snack aisle at your
} corner grocery store.  And why you would want a woman who coughs a lot
} or cuts people up, I don't know, but check the smoking section, curbs
} outside high schools, or a women's prison.
}
} You owe the Oracle two hours of being surrounded by men.


322-09    (50530 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Postulate for me munificent Oracle, is there such a thing as Evil ?  Is
> there more Evil today than there was five years ago ?  Twenty ?  One
> Hundred ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course there is more evil today than in the last onehundred years.
} Thank you for drawing my divine attention to it.
} A flood will be delivered next week to take care of it.
}
} You owe me an ark, loaded with the best female stuff on your planet.


322-10    (41332 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ..Spud. Spud spud. Ellis! Oh, thank God!  Pell-shaking on!  On!!!
>
> -- Thurgood Marshall, in his sleep

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmm, three tubers and an island.  Hardly the sort of groveli...er,
} address to which I am accustom.  No matter, no matter.
}      So, I must glean the question from an analysis of Thurgood
} Marshall's dream, eh?  Should be a cakewalk for an omniscent like
} myself.  Okay, Barney, crank 'er up!!
}
} (din of engine being started, deafening all but the Gods)
}
}      OK, the ol' Babbage/Freud Difference Engine V.1.0 is up and
} running. Now, I will just carve the input crankshaft with the
} appropriate data:
}
} ..Spud.
} Spud spud.
} Ellis!
} Oh, thank God!
} Pell-shaking on!
} On!!!
} <EOF>
}
}      Putting the rod in place, and engaging the wheel, and presto!
} Instant gestalt.
}
} ("Powerhouse B", arranged by Carl W. Stalling, fills the aether)
}
} '..Spud.'  --  The subject feels buried beneath tons of earth, with the
}                entire world's eyes transfixed upon him.  The potato is
}                itself the root, hence the feeling of the subject that
}                he is at the root of his own problems, and although
}                besmothered by the ground, he lives in mortal fear of
}                being wrest from his life, washed clean, sliced and
}                fried, only to end up in the gullet of some corpulent
}                beeswilling Republican.
}
} 'Spud spud.'-- We see the anxiety not only perpetuated, but doubled
}                onto itself, becoming unbearable to the subject.  This
}                obsession with food will eventually break through to the
}                surface, leading to obesity and sloth, and restricting
}                sartorial choices to expansive robes.  (cf. edible
}                complex)
}
} 'Ellis!'   --  Again we note the isolation, present in the island
}                motif.  Also, we see the extension of the robes, and the
}                secret desire to be a woman, embodied in Miss Liberty
}                herself.  However, all is not grim for our subject,
}                since his choice of the Gateway to the United States
}                shows him to still be receptive to the aspirations of
}                the world's outcasts.  Truly this man has love for
}                mankind coursing through his veins, and shall never want
}                for the milk of human kindness.
}
} 'Oh, thank God!' -- The desperation has led to the seeking of solace in
}                deities.  The subject is so overwhelmed that he allows
}                this peace-of-mind expression to become the end-all of
}                his troubles.
}
} 'Pell-shaking on!' -- We see the subject returning from his
}                desperation, his previously expressed faith in the deity
}                is found to be reassuring. Pell-shaking was a medieval
}                ritual for exorcism of demons within one's self,
}                involving placing small woodland creatures inside one's
}                clothing and then rolling in the dirt, the chants of the
}                onlookers drowning the ubiquitous screaming.  The subject
}                is rid of his anxieties, for the moment.
}
} 'On!!!'   --   The subject is attempting to re-assure himself that the
}                pelshaking was successful, by echolaliating the end of
}                his previous statement.  This is common, and should not
}                be alarming to the educated therapist.
}
} '<EOF>'  --    Obviously the subject has a sexual problem.
}
}      The answer to your question is that although Justice Marshall may
} regret that he can no longer function on the Supreme Court, he feels
} that his choice was justified given the circumstances under which he
} lives.  And he ejaculates prematurely.
}
}      You owe the Oracle a Cuban penis--er, cigar.


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