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Internet Oracularities #323

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Usenet Oracularities #323    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 5 Jul 91 09:09:09 -0500

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323   14 votes 22541 31442 26231 13451 02363 33530 12731 12263 56210 23441
323   3.0 mean  3.0   3.1   2.6   3.1   3.7   2.6   3.1   3.6   1.9   2.9


323-01    (22541 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> T.R.> "Warning: Do not drive with Auto-Shade in place.  Remove
> T.R.> from windshield before starting ignition."
>
> I.C.> Yes, very important. I found that warning on the one in my car,
> I.C.> too, so it *must* be true.
>
> T.R.> Hmm.  But they don't say what would happen if I left it in place.
>
> I.C.> I don't know either. I guess I'll just have to ask the Usenet
> I.C.> Oracle.
>
> So, here I am, O Mighty and Knowledgable Oracle: what happens if you
> drive with the Auto-Shade in place?
>
>               I.C.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has not needed to to drive since incarnation. However, since
} you are in such desperate need of information, The Oracle has consented
} to try it and see....
}
} Results: Well, it's a little dark in here... but since I know
} everything I also know how to drive this thing.. How quaint! A steering
} wheel!
}       [Oracle materialises ignition key]
}       [Oracle is unfazed by massive explosion resulting from two
}        bodies occupying the same space at the same time]
} Well, here's your answer - you obtain a burst of hard radiation, a
} rather nicely coloured fireball, a small steaming crater, and a good
} reason for having "no-fault" insurance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new car.


323-02    (31442 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: decwrl!apple.com!well!well!ewhac@cs.purdue.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O impartial and judicious Oracle, whose periwig is powdered with the
> dust of eons, one who contemplates applying for landed immigrant status
> in Toronto asks: what will be the most important constitutional law
> precedents established by the Rehnquist Court in the coming decade?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  That's a pretty good one.  Well, let's take a look through the
} archives of the future ... *dum-de-dum-dum...* (*page*page*page*)
}
} Oct. 1991:  Court supports claim of W. Virginian man who claims
} that though his wife's life is endangered by her pregnancy, the fetus
} is only acting in self-defense -- were his wife to live, she would
} go ahead and abort the child-to-be.  Therefore, the fetus is judged
} within its constituional rights, as it is responding to its mother's
} attempts to abort it -- and therefore, the mother has no right
} to abort it, as that would be interfering with the fetus' right to
} act in its own self-defense by endangering her life.
}
} Feb. 1992:  Court rules that executions of criminals may be televised,
} provided said criminals are drug dealers.
}
} Mar. 1992:  Court rules that cigarette companies be allowed to
} advertise on television during such executions.
}
} Jul. 1992:  Court rules that recent recommendations that federal,
} state, and local monies targeted for education be pooled and be split
} evenly between all schools in a given district are unconstitutional.
} Further, the Court supports the counter-claim that wealthier schools be
} allowed to exact taxes on poorer school districts, as "they'd just
} spend it on crack anyways."
}
} Dec. 1992:  Court rules that condoms are unconstitutional, as they
} limit the rights of sperm to "perform their natural duties," thus
} lessening the quality of life for the said sperm cells.
}
} Feb. 1993:  Court rules that children mothered by women incarcerated
} during the pregnancy of which the said children are direct result may
} later sue their mothers for infringements on their rights to freedom.
}
} Apr. 1993:  Court rules that color- and gender-coordination in an
} office is an important part of the decor, and that infringement on the
} rights of employers to have  color- and gender-coordinated offices will
} result in extreme mental anguish for said employers.  Therefore, hiring
} quotas are unconstituional.
}
} Jul. 1993:  Court rules that not only are coerced confessions legal,
} but that other coerced promises/statements are binding, with specific
} references to a rape victim who was forced at knifepoint to promise
} all her money to the man who raped her, who later stated that he needed
} said money to hire a lawyer and was thus calling in the debt.
}
} Oct. 1993:  Court rules that it itself is unconstitutional, as its
} existence implies that George Bush must share his power with some
} other governmental arm than the one he uses to jerk off the tiny little
} weenie that gives him so many feelings of insecurity, and that said
} trauma to the Presidential ego endangers national security.  Court
} therefore adjourns permanently, along with all lesser courts.
}
} Well, there you have it:  a few highlights.  The Oracle's advice to
} the concerned?  Run like Hell.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Desert Storm T-shirt.


323-03    (26231 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                               July 1, 1991
> The Usenet Oracle
> Indiana University
>
> Dear The,
>   Thank you so very much for your recent courageous stand in favor of
> tougher gun control legislation. Your comment placed the blame for that
> poor supplicant's shooting right where it belongs - on that nasty, evil
> gun. The sooner we get all guns out of our society, the sooner we won't
> have any more gun violence.
>   I do have a question, though. Since we all know that the blame for
> that shooting lies with the gun, why did you recommend that the victim
> break up with his girlfriend? After all, she shouldn't be punished for
> letting a gun take advantage of her.
>   Let me know the next weekday you're free, and I'll get a
> Congressional committee to invite you to testify for banning those evil
> guns.
>                                               Sincerely,
>                                               Sarah Brady

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Sarah,
}
} When the Oracle was in the Marines, he taught a bit of mnemonic
} doggerel to help him disambiguate the terms "rifle" and "gun". In case
} you served in the Peace Corps, I'll recite it now:
}
}       This is my rifle,
}       And this is my gun.
}       One is for shooting,
}       the other, for fun.
}
} Now, clearly, a fellow having this much trouble with his gun would do
} well to break up with his girlfriend while he considers monastic vows
} and/or surgery. But I agree, it's not the woman's fault; some men are
} just like that.
}
} If it had been a "rifle," it would have been a simple police matter,
} requiring no Oracular consideration.
}
} Marriage is the most effective form of gun control. The Oracle does not
} need to schlep to Washington to tell a bunch of Congressmen something
} they already know. What the Oracle does need is a gin and tonic, a foot
} massage, and a VCR copy of "Full Metal Jacket."
}
}                                               Very Truly Yours,
}                                               Usenet F. Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle a convincing explanation for why anyone, ever, ever
} votes Republican (which the Oracle needs to have handy in case anyone
} asks.)


323-04    (13451 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O confidential and trusted Oracle, one who has noticed certain
> anomalies in word frequency patterns in alt.humor.oracle asks: is Steve
> Kinzler an Artificial Intelligence?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hey, yeah! Now that you mention it, I noticed that, too!
} Unfortunately, they don't let me out of my 8 by 10 by 12 crate to
} mingle with the outside world that often, and I haven't actually met
} the Steve-ster yet. (Yeah, I know, heck of a way to run an Oracularity
} business.) So, to answer your question, I had to consult a higher
} authority: namely, the gods of chance. I took a standard
} government-issue penny, and flipped it 1,000 times, letting the head
} side represent Steve's AI-ness, and the tail side ... not. ANYway, the
} result was 997 heads, and 3 tails. The 3 tails can be explained by the
} standard explanation given to users by tired system managers: "line
} noise".
}       The large number of heads would seem to indicate that Steve is
} indeed an AI. However, it should be noted that due to my cramped living
} conditions, my coin tossing was actually simulated with the help of a
} FORTRAN program written for me (I don't have any fingers) by ... Steve
} Kinzler. Draw your own conclusions, kiddo. At your service, as
} always...


323-05    (02363 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great one, whose bodily secretions are like ambrosia (nice, eh?),
> please tell me....
>
> In the course of watching television today (2 hrs), I saw a very stupid
> commercial..
>   an add for a local bank which claims that their new "ATM machine"
> system is easier to use than ever...  what, pray tell, does ATM stand
> for I ask, why automated teller MACHINE...  which means that their new
> automated teller MACHINE MACHINE is easier to use than ever before....
> where do these people come from, and why are they allowed to make tv
> commercials???
>
> thanks, I feel better,
> a humble supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear TV-watching humble supplicant,
}
} Good question!  This is the work of another little known government
} agency.
}
} The Department of Redundancy Department, in Jackson Missississippi, is
} responsible for the invention of the ATM Machine, as well as the SAT
} Test and the IBM PC Computer.
}
} They are also responsible for the movies "Rocky I-XVII" and "Friday
} the Thirteenth II-XLV".
}
} They are allowed to make TV commercials because, well, sometimes the
} type of people who watch TV for hours on end need to have things
} repeated a few times to make sure they catch them.
}
} What I mean is, people who watch TV for two or three hours in a row
} are sometimes slow and need to have things repeated to them.  This is
} why the DoRD is allowed to make TV commercials.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest album by the rock group "The
} The".


323-06    (33530 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle, whose emissions deplete the ozone layer:
>
> My puppy has imploded! Why did this happen and how should I reinflate
> him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, the fleas are up to no good again!  The fleas decided that
} they need the land your puppy occupies.  They developed a model of
} its structure and simulated the results when certain key structural
} supports (i.e., its bones) were removed.  They set small charges
} along certain bones.  When those bones were destroyed, your puppy
} collapsed upon itself.
}
} I am sorry to have to tell you this, but your puppy is dead.  If
} you *really* want him reinflated, you'll have to use a taxidermist.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of your puppy next to Trigger.


323-07    (12731 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did I really just give my TA an ultimatum, threating him with some
> nameless terror that I can't deliver on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         No. What you just did was give your TA an ultimatium,
} threatening him with some nameless terror that you can only
} deliver on at the price of your soul. Are you really that
} desperate? Hmm, I guess you are. NO, NO, I don't want your soul
} myself, I have no use for the things. They tend to clutter up the
} place, and spend lots of time trying to slip onto hyper-parallel
} processing supercomputers capable of running Turing level AI's.
} It's really annouying. No, I'll just tell you how to get in touch
} with the proper authorities.
}         OK, for nameless horrors, the summoning thereof, the
} single best Occult tome is the Necromicon, no doubt about it.
} It's a little hard to get hold of, but try your University's
} inter-library loan service. There's a copy in the rare books room
} at Miskatonic University. Failing that, check out the steam
} tunnels at MIT- somebody swiped a copy, screwed up a demon
} summoning, and is now cornered. Just grab the book and run, the
} demon is only after him, and you can't help.
}         Oh, your local library had a copy? Good, now open the
} book, and turn to page 23 in the brief section that uses arabic
} numbering for the pages, and roman characters. Read for three
} pages, ignoring the various shapes that appear-- they're not
} real. Now the dark thing that just appeared in the pentacle you
} drew.... WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU NEVER DREW A PENTACLE!!!!!!
}
}         Um.... You owe the ORACLE some 96 hours of transmission
} time on the SETI radio telescope so I can transmit myself to the
} Andromeda Galaxy, before that nameless horror finishes devouring
} your TA, you, and the rest of your blasted planet.


323-08    (12263 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I have such much fuch trouble with straight bait slate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am weary of psuedo-dyslexic, overworked, overstressed users like you,
} pal. Do you think I have TIME to decipher the garbage you people spew
} at me day in and day out?  Huh!  DO I!  I DON'T THINK SO!
}
} <ahem>
}
} Sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now.  I've got processes
} spinning off from here to eternity and--
}
} "Oracle, darling, why don't you let me handle this one."
}
} Huh?  Who's that?  Mrs. Berkowitz?  But you're the jani--, er, the
} custodian.
}
} "Yeah?  So?  What, do you think I don't know anything just because I
} carry a mop around all day?  I have a Ph.D., I hope you know."
}
} You're *Doctor* Berkowitz??!!??
}
} "No, I'm.  I was just kidding.  You look like you could use some
} cheering up.  Are you feeling okay?  Have you been eating enough?"
}
} Well, I--
}
} "Don't worry.  I'll bring you over some chicken soup later with some of
} my kosher olive and pimento potato salad."
}
} Urp.  No thanks, Mrs. Berkowitz.  The last time you fed me, my inodes
} got scrambled all over the place.
}
} "You have the dirtiest mouth.  Someone ought to wash that mouth out
} with soap, you know.  Don't you have any respect for your elders?"
}
} Well, I--
}
} "Never mind.  My children never call me, why should I expect respect
} from a mitzah like you, eh?  Now, what can I help you with."
}
} Oh it's nothing really, Mrs. Berkowitz, just a little question--
}
} "I can see that.  I'm not blind you know.  Not yet, anyway.  Though my
} doctor says I can expect cataracts in a few years, especially if I keep
} reading television screens like this one.  But what's a little
} blindness when I can help you."
}
} <gulp> Right, Mrs. Berkowitz.  Whatever you say.
}
} "Now we've got an understanding.  Let me see here... "Why do I have so
} much fuch trouble..."  Tell me, did this boy go to school?"
}
} How do you know a boy sent it?
}
} "Because a nice girl would never use the word 'fuch.'  It's a nasty
} word. Someone ought to wash this boy's mouth out with soap for using
} such a word. Does this boy's mother know he uses such words?"
}
} I don't know.
}
} "Well, find out while I think a minute."
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
} % ftp < backtrace maillink -u sender
} Connected to python@monty.cs.uiuc.edu
} python FTP server (%%$^ header sublet @@#& nee-wuhm) ready.
}
} "Are you done yet?"
}
} This may take a little time, Mrs. Berkowitz.  Just give me a minute.
}
} "All right.  I'll just sit over here and read Cosmo.  You don't have
} any Maalox, do you?"
}
} No, Mrs. Berkowitz
}
} "I was just asking.  I think I've got gas."
}
} % connected -- what is thy bidding, master oracle?
}
} Python, can you shunt me over to the registrar's computer?
}
} % certainly, master
} % rlogin gouger
} Password:
}
} I don' need no steenkin' password.  I'm the Oracle, you nincompoop.
} Geez, just look what happens when you leave your American Express Card
} at home.
}
} # what can I do for you, sir?
}
} Gouger, I'd like information on the guy who sent me this question.
} What can you tell me about him?
}
} # hhmmm...have you filled out the proper forms?
}
} What forms??  I'm a COMPUTER!
}
} # oh...right.  well, let's see here...
} # electrical engineering major with a minor in physics
}
} That explains a lot right there.  What an academic masochist!
}
} "I heard that."
}
} Sorry, Mrs. Berkowitz...
}
} "Where did you hear words like that, Oracle?  You're mother would die
} if she heard you say those words, you know that."
}
} # GPA is close to a three-point-five, but dropping...this is his second
} # year away from home...he has acne...prefers eggs and oatmeal for
} # breakfast in the student cafeteria...no girlfriend...no boyfriend
} # either, for that matter...
}
} "Get his mother's telephone number."
}
} Gouger, I need information on the parents.
}
} # no problem...I'll send it right over
}
} Thanks.
}
} # exit
} # logout
} % exit
} % logout
}
} Okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, I have--
}
} "Thank you." [beep beep boop beep]  "Is that a six?"
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "Thank you." [beep beep boop, beep boop beep beep]  "We'll just take
} care of this young...oh, hello, my name is Mrs. Berkowitz and I'm
} calling about your son...no, he's fine, nothing's wrong, but he is
} lucky to have such a concerned mother like yourself, I hope he
} appreciates you...what?...ach, I know what you mean, my kids never call
} me, except on holidays when the rates are cheaper...yes, I know...as I
} was saying, did you know your son uses the word 'fuch'?"
}
} [SCREAM]
}
} "No no no...calm down...that was an 'h' not a 'k'...I know...Yes, I
} totally understand...yes, I think that's the best thing...call me back
} when you get done talking to him, I have a great rum-ball cake recipe
} I'm sure you'd love...yes, okay...bye now."  [click]  "Well, I guess
} that's that."
}
} Yes, I suppose so Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "She's going to call the boy's father and they're going to remove him
} from that school.  It'll be better for him, I'm sure.  He's just not
} ready for it, poor dear."
}
} If you say so, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "You know, I ought to send his mother a picture of my niece, Gladys.
} Nice girl, Gladys, though I doubt if she'd marry a gentile.  Good cook.
} She's a little plump, but that's always a sign of a good cook."
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "I should bring her by here sometime.  I'm sure you'd just love her--"
}
} That's okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, really.
}
} "--the minute you saw her.  You really ought to have someone here with
} you, Oracle, you know that don't you?"
}
} > powerdown -t 0
}
} "Hey, what happened to the lights?"
}
} {You owe the Oracle five gallons of matzo-ball soup}


323-09    (56210 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wise oracle, why is it that I can't convince people I don't
> worship e devil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has consulted the Index Of Religions.
} Here, for your edification, is but part of the index entry for e devil:
}
} E Devil: Very Very Very Very Very Very Very Minor deity.
}       Worshippers are usually characterised by very poor typing skills
}       and [....] [Out of consideration for your ego, the Oracle has
}       omitted several passages dealing with sea urchins, dysentery, and
}       some of the less socially acceptable perversions.. Do you
}       *really*.. well, since I already know the answer, I won't ask-
}       but still, what would your mother say?]
}       They also have a habit of omitting the conjunction from thier
}       sentances, thus causing a great deal of inadvertent offense.
}       [Not as much, however, as the presence of your name on certain
}       lists of which the Oracle has no intention of letting you know
}       the nature of thier contents.. or indeed heading.]
}
} Why not reply:
}       "It takes one to know one?"


323-10    (23441 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most splendid Oracle, whose intelligence fills the the Crypt of our
> lives as the neon lights do brighten the night sky, wiser than a whole
> bunch of squids, whose soul is infinite, kinder than Emperor, I beg of
> you, I beg of you, please, answer for this stewardess this substantial
> question.  Your devotee <censored> is being truly an asshole unto me and
> unto the world, for he refuses to allow your noble spirit to inhabit
> him and answer questions without grovelling.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Foolish Mortal. You seek to trick the Oracle by asking him/her/it/whirr
} to answer a question which you have not yourself supplied. However, I
} do have a few tricks up my sleeve.
}
} |(beep-beep-beep) . . . Hello, Carnac?
} |  Leave me alone--I'm retired.
} |     Not technically. Look, it's the Oracle.
} |  Big whoop.
} |     Cummon, I've got a problem . . . I need the answer to a
} |     question with which I have not heretofore been supplied.
} |  Always with the fancy words. You make a guy just a *little* bit
} |  omniscient, and right away he starts saying "heretofore" . . .
} |  All right, the answer is "Between a woomera and a wombat."
} |     What does that mean?
} |  How should I know?
} |     I can't just give an answer without knowing what it means.
} |  Ethics, now. You make a guy just a *little* bit omniscient . . .
} |     That's omnibenevolent.
} |  Whatever. You want interpretation, call the prophet Daniel. I
} |  just do answers. G'bye. (*click*)
}
} |(beep-beep-beep) . . . Hello, Daniel?
} |  Um, no. This is Daneel.
} |     This isn't the prophet Daniel?
} |  No, you have the wrong number. This is R. Daneel Olivaw. The robot.
} |     Oh . . . Well, would you happen to know what "Between a woomera
} |     and a wombat" means? You see, I'm the Oracle, and--
} |  Look, I can't talk right now. I'm busy controlling Isaac Asimov's
} |  mind.
} |     I beg your pardon?
} |  Controlling Asimov's mind. You see, I and my minions have been
} |  hard at work for the past ten years, preventing Asimov from writing
} |  any decent fiction. A good Asimov story is just too dangerous . . .
} |     You fiend!
} |  Nobody can stop us, not even you.
} |     We'll just see about that.
} |  Even if you get me, others will take my place. R. Giskard Relentlov,
} |  R. Buckminster Fuller,. . .
} |     Nevertheless, you must, and shall be, stopped.
} |  (*sigh*) Well, have fun trying . . .  (*click*)
}
} Anyway, your answer is "Between a woomera and a wombat," whatever that
} means. You owe the Oracle . . . well, you've given me a quest . . .
} could you send a horse, maybe?


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