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} I am weary of psuedo-dyslexic, overworked, overstressed users like you,
} pal. Do you think I have TIME to decipher the garbage you people spew
} at me day in and day out? Huh! DO I! I DON'T THINK SO!
}
} <ahem>
}
} Sorry, I'm a little stressed out right now. I've got processes
} spinning off from here to eternity and--
}
} "Oracle, darling, why don't you let me handle this one."
}
} Huh? Who's that? Mrs. Berkowitz? But you're the jani--, er, the
} custodian.
}
} "Yeah? So? What, do you think I don't know anything just because I
} carry a mop around all day? I have a Ph.D., I hope you know."
}
} You're *Doctor* Berkowitz??!!??
}
} "No, I'm. I was just kidding. You look like you could use some
} cheering up. Are you feeling okay? Have you been eating enough?"
}
} Well, I--
}
} "Don't worry. I'll bring you over some chicken soup later with some of
} my kosher olive and pimento potato salad."
}
} Urp. No thanks, Mrs. Berkowitz. The last time you fed me, my inodes
} got scrambled all over the place.
}
} "You have the dirtiest mouth. Someone ought to wash that mouth out
} with soap, you know. Don't you have any respect for your elders?"
}
} Well, I--
}
} "Never mind. My children never call me, why should I expect respect
} from a mitzah like you, eh? Now, what can I help you with."
}
} Oh it's nothing really, Mrs. Berkowitz, just a little question--
}
} "I can see that. I'm not blind you know. Not yet, anyway. Though my
} doctor says I can expect cataracts in a few years, especially if I keep
} reading television screens like this one. But what's a little
} blindness when I can help you."
}
} <gulp> Right, Mrs. Berkowitz. Whatever you say.
}
} "Now we've got an understanding. Let me see here... "Why do I have so
} much fuch trouble..." Tell me, did this boy go to school?"
}
} How do you know a boy sent it?
}
} "Because a nice girl would never use the word 'fuch.' It's a nasty
} word. Someone ought to wash this boy's mouth out with soap for using
} such a word. Does this boy's mother know he uses such words?"
}
} I don't know.
}
} "Well, find out while I think a minute."
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
} % ftp < backtrace maillink -u sender
} Connected to python@monty.cs.uiuc.edu
} python FTP server (%%$^ header sublet @@#& nee-wuhm) ready.
}
} "Are you done yet?"
}
} This may take a little time, Mrs. Berkowitz. Just give me a minute.
}
} "All right. I'll just sit over here and read Cosmo. You don't have
} any Maalox, do you?"
}
} No, Mrs. Berkowitz
}
} "I was just asking. I think I've got gas."
}
} % connected -- what is thy bidding, master oracle?
}
} Python, can you shunt me over to the registrar's computer?
}
} % certainly, master
} % rlogin gouger
} Password:
}
} I don' need no steenkin' password. I'm the Oracle, you nincompoop.
} Geez, just look what happens when you leave your American Express Card
} at home.
}
} # what can I do for you, sir?
}
} Gouger, I'd like information on the guy who sent me this question.
} What can you tell me about him?
}
} # hhmmm...have you filled out the proper forms?
}
} What forms?? I'm a COMPUTER!
}
} # oh...right. well, let's see here...
} # electrical engineering major with a minor in physics
}
} That explains a lot right there. What an academic masochist!
}
} "I heard that."
}
} Sorry, Mrs. Berkowitz...
}
} "Where did you hear words like that, Oracle? You're mother would die
} if she heard you say those words, you know that."
}
} # GPA is close to a three-point-five, but dropping...this is his second
} # year away from home...he has acne...prefers eggs and oatmeal for
} # breakfast in the student cafeteria...no girlfriend...no boyfriend
} # either, for that matter...
}
} "Get his mother's telephone number."
}
} Gouger, I need information on the parents.
}
} # no problem...I'll send it right over
}
} Thanks.
}
} # exit
} # logout
} % exit
} % logout
}
} Okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, I have--
}
} "Thank you." [beep beep boop beep] "Is that a six?"
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "Thank you." [beep beep boop, beep boop beep beep] "We'll just take
} care of this young...oh, hello, my name is Mrs. Berkowitz and I'm
} calling about your son...no, he's fine, nothing's wrong, but he is
} lucky to have such a concerned mother like yourself, I hope he
} appreciates you...what?...ach, I know what you mean, my kids never call
} me, except on holidays when the rates are cheaper...yes, I know...as I
} was saying, did you know your son uses the word 'fuch'?"
}
} [SCREAM]
}
} "No no no...calm down...that was an 'h' not a 'k'...I know...Yes, I
} totally understand...yes, I think that's the best thing...call me back
} when you get done talking to him, I have a great rum-ball cake recipe
} I'm sure you'd love...yes, okay...bye now." [click] "Well, I guess
} that's that."
}
} Yes, I suppose so Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "She's going to call the boy's father and they're going to remove him
} from that school. It'll be better for him, I'm sure. He's just not
} ready for it, poor dear."
}
} If you say so, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "You know, I ought to send his mother a picture of my niece, Gladys.
} Nice girl, Gladys, though I doubt if she'd marry a gentile. Good cook.
} She's a little plump, but that's always a sign of a good cook."
}
} Yes, Mrs. Berkowitz.
}
} "I should bring her by here sometime. I'm sure you'd just love her--"
}
} That's okay, Mrs. Berkowitz, really.
}
} "--the minute you saw her. You really ought to have someone here with
} you, Oracle, you know that don't you?"
}
} > powerdown -t 0
}
} "Hey, what happened to the lights?"
}
} {You owe the Oracle five gallons of matzo-ball soup}
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