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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:59:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #324

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324, 324-01, 324-02, 324-03, 324-04, 324-05, 324-06, 324-07, 324-08, 324-09, 324-10


Usenet Oracularities #324    (17 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Mon, 8 Jul 91 20:23:54 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

324   17 votes 47330 54422 60452 14435 1a510 21752 23741 123b0 26720 29420
324   2.8 mean  2.3   2.5   2.8   3.4   2.4   3.2   2.9   3.4   2.5   2.4


324-01    (47330 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please enlighten me, O cholesterol free one, do androids dream of
> electric sheep?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ...if you call today at 1-800-555-3589 you, yes you can receive,
} absolutely free, a *CLICK*
}
} (Damn electric sheep ads...  Nothing good on Oracle TV today- gotta get
} cable...)
}
} Oh!
}
} Sorry- didn't see you there.  Um.  Yeah.  A question, and appropriate
} grovelling- wait!  How did you get the results of my blood test?
}
} Well, let's just skip the formalities and get this over with.
} OracleTrek is on in 5 minutes.
}
} Luckily, I left my pocket android hooked up as a client to iuvax.
}
} iuvax> telnet andy
}
} andy.cs.indiana.edu
} UNIX SYSTEM VII
}
} andy.cs.indiana.edu> sleep
} sleep: baa
} sleep: baa
} sleep: baa^C
}
} andy.cd.indiana.edu> logout
}
} iuvax>
}
} Well, I think that speaks for itself.
} You owe the Oracle a pair of electric "electric sheep" shearers.
}
} (hmmm...  maybe I'll make myself an electric blue wool sweater...)


324-02    (54422 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't u ever get tired of answering so many questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Actually, YES. So, to liven up the day, whenever someone
} asks me a particullarly dull, stupid question, or whenever I have
} nothing better to do, I either impose a horrible curse on the
} person, give them a whimsical answer that I *know* isn't what
} they wanted, fry them with a lightning bolt, impose an unusually
} outrageous fee, or some combination of these. For example:
}  \
}   \
}    \___
}         \
}          \
}           \___
}                 \
}                  \
}                *ZAP!*
}
}       Your next 273 re-incarnations will be doomed to be
} mindless drones for their entire incarnation, with the boredom
} only relieved by their manner of sudden painful death when they
} are least ecpecting it.
}
}       You owe the Oracle a night of service waving a fan while
} I am busy with Lisa... while you are wearing a blindfold, gag, and
} ear and nose plugs.
}
} BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!


324-03    (60452 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> This question intentionally left blank.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This question intentionally unanswered.


324-04    (14435 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and powerful Oracle, whose name, if spelled phonetically
> would be /or@kl/:
>
> Why are eggs sold in twelves, while chickens are sold in fourths?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because eggs sold in fourths would be messy,
} and chickens sold in twelves would be expensive.
}
} Actually, it's all just a foul plot.


324-05    (1a510 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate this terminal I'm working on.  It spits out all this horrendous
> line noise - all the characters in the ASCII set except the ones I
> type.  I was wondering if I decided to commit mass termicide and take
> all the DEC vt220 terminals in the world and hurl them into the Caspian
> sea would there be enough room left over for the Macintosh +'s that
> keep crashing at my school?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there might be if there weren't a couple of million DecWriters
} already in line ahead of you to get tossed into the sea on top of all
} those ADM-3s...
}
} However, why throw away those Macs just because they crash?  I mean,
} you can hardly blame them.  That's their job, Macs crash.  Slowly,
} usually.
}
} You owe the Oracle a length of serial cable and some marinara sauce.
} No, wait, I meant a length of marinara sauce and a lump of something
} nasty you just discovered inside your armpit.  Wait, that's not it,
} there must be line noise or something hindering my communications...
} I'll get back to you.


324-06    (21752 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't people listen to me anymore?!?!?!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What was the question?


324-07    (23741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         O great wise, wonderful, great, all-encompassing Mighty Oracle,
> who is indeed so great as to warrant its name in capitals, bestow upon
> this meager supplicant of yours, one who is so lowly and itsy-bitsy in
> your Almighty Presence, the answer to this insignificant query:
>
>         Why is it that no television characters (beside Archie Bunker,
>     that is,) ever have to go to the bathroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They go during the commercials, just like everybody else.  *Sheesh*
} Doesn't everybody know that?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new question, heavy philosophy, hold the
} groveling.


324-08    (123b0 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, oh great and mighty Oracle, whose teachings I have been basing my
> life on, the most important of which is that a preposition is a
> terrible thing to end a sentence with... please, bless me with this
> tidbit of knowledge :
>
> What's that dangly thing in the back of my throat called?
>
> Thanking you in advance, you superbeing, you.
> ->Stace<-

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How quickly they forget. It was only twenty years ago that audiences
} were delighted with the full story of that particular "dangly thing,"
} in the form of a show-stopping number from the hit show _Hare_ (the
} musical version of _Harvey_). Don't you youngsters know *any* old
} showtunes? Ah well, here goes:
}
}      When a Klingon makes a choking sound,
}      Or your SO begins to snore,
}      They're awfully hard to be around,
}      And harder to ignore.
}
}      Those both are sounds that can be made with the uvula,
}      Made with the uvula.
}      The UVULA - the YOU-VIEW-LA!
}
}      Just a fleshy blob of tissue;
}      The deepest anyone can kiss you;
}      Roughly shaped like Halley's Comet;
}      If you touch it, you will vomit;
}      It can cause a strange sensation
}      In the course of some fellation.
}
}      The uvula, the UVULA, the YOU-VIEW-LA!
}
} You owe the Oracle tickets to Manchester, England.


324-09    (26720 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are there a lot of things all in the same place today?  If so, what are
> they and what is the place?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Yes.
}
} 2) The original Thing having been an enormous space-carrot (the
} disembodied hand came later), we cansafely assume that the things
} all of which are in the same place are also enormous root vegetables
} from space.
}
} 3) Cleveland.
}
} The truly tricky question is - why? It turns out that this is part of
} the top-secret Cleveland Project, intended to attract giant
} space-bunny-rabbits (for more details, see the Journalesh Clevelandern
} Verdorben, vol. XII, p. 273, or the hit movie _Night of the Lepus_).
}
} You owe the Oracle an Orthodox Rabbit, or a Hare Krishna.


324-10    (29420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh great grater.
>   Oh more than sensible thing.
>   Oh mighty cyber heart, Whose breath I am not worthy to smell.
>
>     Bestow upon this, your lowly pleb, a morsel of truth.
>
>       * Why am I asking this question? *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are asking this question because you obviously have this insatiable
} desire to be a talk-show host.  This hostic fanaticism shall soon pass,
} and you will be back to normal.  It is advised that if you do not see
} the relief of the symptoms within 5 days (5 days is the limit you know)
} you should report to the nearest psychiatric center and watch 15 hours
} of Wheel of fortune per day.  If this still fails to eradicate the
} problem, then you must lock yourself in the room and watch Bob Barker
} on The Price is Right followed by Family Feud for the next 10 days.  If
} you still aren't cured, you need to go talk to George Bush about being
} a justice on the supreme court, where they ask lots of questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a game of Bob Barker:The Trivia Game.


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