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Internet Oracularities #325

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325, 325-01, 325-02, 325-03, 325-04, 325-05, 325-06, 325-07, 325-08, 325-09, 325-10


Usenet Oracularities #325    (14 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 10 Jul 91 12:23:05 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

325   14 votes 05441 04415 24242 62141 21551 01652 10634 24332 14801 07322
325   3.1 mean  3.1   3.5   3.0   2.4   3.1   3.6   3.6   2.9   2.7   2.9


325-01    (05441 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many Chucks (TM) could a woodchuck wear if
> a woodchuck could wear chucks ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmm... let's see...two on each foreleg...one in the belly
} button... one in each nostril...hmmm....hmmmm....
}
} [The oracle does some rapid mental calculating]
}
} It comes to the grand total of...
}
} [Enter FBI]
}
} FBI:  FREEZE FBI!!
}
} Oracle: What the...?
}
} FBI:  Do not answer that question!  Chucks (tm) is owned and operated
}       out of Chucks Inc., and you are not allowed to realease
}       proprietary information!!
}
} Oracle: I was just trying to answ
}
} FBI:  SHUDDAP!  Hmm, what else do you have here?  AT&T UNIX source!
}
} Oracle: I was holding it for a friend...
}
} FBI:  You are going to have to come with us!  Move it!
}
} Now look want you have gotten me into.  You owe the oracle bail money.


325-02    (04415 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Uncle Oracle.....What is love ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Jimmy,
}
} Love is a form of active comtemplation of the object of either profound
} desire, or profound attachment, or both. If the object is sentient, and
} the subject is lucky, this contemplation is bi-directional. As in all
} contemplation, one initially visualizes many glamorous illusions
} (makyo), which gradually fade until one is left with the apprehension
} of the object as it is. By now, the object of contemplation may have
} passed from being an object of profound desire to an object of profound
} attachment; this transformation is called marriage. In fact, one or
} more additional objects of profound attachment may have arisen to be
} contemplated. These are called children. If these were previously the
} objects of profound desire, this is called planned parenthood.
}
} True love is that happy state in which the former object of profound
} desire, now the object of profound attachment, is still pleasing to
} contemplate in the absence of all illusion. The sutra says it best:
} "The jewel is in the lotus and it smells like fish. If you like sushi,
} you've got it made."
}
} In Western terms, love is like an extended software Q.A. suite. True
} love is like a final acceptance test. But one has to be willing to take
} bug fixes and work-arounds; otherwise, the software is never done.
}
}                                               Yours truly,
}                                               Uncle Fred Oracle
}
} Jimmy, a big boy like you owes the Oracle another question, on viral
} epidemiology.


325-03    (24242 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, please, on bended knee with clasped hands I
> do request:
>
> Why do people blame inanimate objects for the actions of irresponsible
> people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a common failing among you foolish mortals.  Everything will be
} going along just finnnnnnnnnnnf'a w49ifeio['nkl; kna
} dfc<bang><bang><SMASH>stupid keyboard!


325-04    (62141 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh eminentissime atque excellentissime sapientissimusque Oracule, cuius
> scientiae philosophiaeque super totos semideos stat,
> lucem magnae tuae mentis dona mihi et dicas:
> Si tria pirita sunt,
>         et piritus tonat sed non fetet
>         et piritus piritorum fetet sed non tonat
>         quod piritus serbatus facit?
>
> [ O most eminent and excellent Oracle, whose knowledge and philosophy
>   stands above even all the gods, give the light of your great mind and
>   teach to me:
>
>   If there are 3 parrots,
>           and one parrot sings, but he doesn't fly,
>           and one parrot flies, but he doesn't sing,
>           what does the last parrot do?
>
>    attempted translation --jonmon ]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}               ----------------------------------------
}               |@@@@@@@^^~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~^^@@@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@^     ~^  @  @@ @ @ @ I  ~^@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@            ~ ~~ ~I          @@@@@|
}               |@@@@'                  '  _,w@<    @@@@|
}               |@@@@     @@@@@@@@w___,w@@@@@@@@  @  @@@|
}               |@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  I  @@@|
}               |@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@*@[ i  @@@|
}               |@@@@     @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@[][ | ]@@@|
}               |@@@@     ~_,,_ ~@@@@@@@~ ____~ @    @@@|
}               |@@@@    _~ ,  ,  `@@@~  _  _`@ ]L  J@@@|
}               |@@@@  , @@w@ww+   @@@ww``,,@w@ ][  @@@@|
}               |@@@@,  @@@@www@@@ @@@@@@@ww@@@@@[  @@@@|
}               |@@@@@_|| @@@@@@P' @@P@@@@@@@@@@@[|c@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@w| '@@P~  P]@@@-~, ~Y@@^'],@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@@[   _        _J@@Tk     ]]@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@@@,@ @@, c,,,,,,,y ,w@@[ ,@@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@@@@ i @w   ====--_@@@@@  @@@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@@@@@@@`,P~ _ ~^^^^Y@@@@@  @@@@@@@@@|
}               |@@@@^^=^@@^   ^' ,ww,w@@@@@ _@@@@@@@@@@|
}               |@@@_xJ~ ~   ,    @@@@@@@P~_@@@@@@@@@@@@|
}               |@@   @,   ,@@@,_____   _,J@@@@@@@@@@@@@|
}               |@@L  `' ,@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@|


325-05    (21551 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificent Oracle,  why are idiots allowed to drive cars?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You must first remember that the Oracle, being the wise and omnipotent
} being that he is, does not drive a car, and due to his status as Oracle
} therefore sees all those who do as idiots, by comparison.  However, I
} do understand what you meant, and will attempt to reason this out:
}
} Hmmm... a brief observation of the Real World does indeed reveal some
} quite amazing examples of idiocy on the road.  For starters, among the
} 21,235,673,902 lane changes and turns I witnessed (it was a brief
} observation, but it was of the entire Real World), there were only 12
} examples of turn signals being used, and most of those were by sleepy
} drivers bumping their elbows against the control device... let's see...
} some 99.9999999% of the cases where more than one car is on the road
} involve tailgating... whoops, poor fellow... that busful of nuns came
} out of nowhere!... oh, and it appears that the average speed of the
} cars on most roads does indeed bear a mathematical relationship to the
} speed limit after all - just add 10 MPH.  However, this gets us no
} closer to answering your question.
}
} Posit:  Idiots are no longer allowed to drive cars.  Result?  (after a
} brief observation of the Real World in Simulation)  Hmmm... No less
} than 6 cars are on the roads of the planet now, none of which are
} violating any laws of their municipalities or of common sense.
}
} Obvious reason:  The big oil companies cannot be supported by six
} customers. It's a plot.  Write your congressman!
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride home.


325-06    (01652 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh humble Oracle, whose operational parameters even the earth is not
> worthy of creating, whose noseplugs are such delicate and useful pieces
> of poetry, could u solve this incredible problem that I, a mere mortal,
> hath put upon u?
> Well, in short, my problem is:
> What would the world be like if girls ever find out what men really
> think about them?
> I await ur response....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So . . . You're not satisfied with a perfectly good Oracular (Greek)
} response - you need to go all the way back to the Babylonians for
} an Ur response! All right, all right, lemme look in the text (the
} Ur-text, of course) . . . %$@#&! cuneiform . . . Ah, here we go, the
} Urratic Creation Myth:
}
}    And for three hundred and sixty years did Takuendotesh
}    (Least of the gods, and first of men, and he-who-was-to-build
}     The city of Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti)
}    Contend with the monstrous monster Tiamat,
}    And all the while the red-lipped goddess Lisha
}    Laughed, and drank wine, and burashta-wine, and tikash-wine.
}    And at the end of the three hundred and sixty years, she cried out:
}    "Tell me, O Takuendotesh, least of gods, first of men,
}     What do you think about, while grappling with the Great Bloody
}     Tiamat?"
}    And Takuendotesh said, "O Lisha, red-lipped goddess
}    In all these three hundred and sixty years, I have thought only of
}    you." And red-lipped Lisha drank more wine, and burashta-wine, and
}    tikash-wine And then laughed, and cried out, "What, then, O
}    Takuendotesh, Least of the gods, and first of men, and
}    you-who-are-to-build The city of
}    Tiri-kalebashtiktik-dishukara-habanagirashti,
}    Do you think of me?" And Takuendotesh replied, in Lydian,
}    "Tikarnasharti o kina koshitudarnatka kishkilusha shoktadori."
}    Then the heart of Lisha was much angered, and she raised her sword
}    (The sword of gold, and silver, and mish-copper, and tashak-copper)
}    And brought it down to slay Takuendotesh; but Takuendotesh,
}    Least of gods, and first of men, lowered his head
}    So the blow fell upon the head of Tiamat; and thus was Tiamat slain.
}    The head of the monster became the moon, and its flat belly
}    Became the earth, and its blood the rivers and streams and oceans
}    And seas and creeks and rivulets and lakes and ponds and . . .
}
} Anyway, you get the idea - the world is as it is *now* because women
} found out what men really think about them. Of course, *I* might have
} given a different answer, but you were the one who insisted on an Ur
} response.
}
} You owe the Oracle a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform.


325-07    (10634 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great and Mighty Oracle, whose Niftiness outshines that of all
> others, pray tell me:
>
>     Who is/was the greatest programmer of all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oral Roberts, of course.   That dread Republican has programmed more
} people than Stallman and Moon and Goldfarb and all the rest put
} together.
}
} Scary, isn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle a *large* vat of Fundamentalist Repellent, and a new
} pentacle.


325-08    (24332 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle.
>
> Why is it that when I eat Onions my cat dies. I am running out of room
> in the Garden for the dead cats.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah. Hmm. Well, let's see.
}
} How big are these onions? Really, as big as that! I see...
}
} Are these onions covered with fur? Uh huh...
}
} And do they meow, and chase mice? Ah. Yes. Well...
}
} ...ick. Er, you don't owe the Oracle anything. Just stay away from
} Indiana.


325-09    (14801 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle,
> R you aware how great thou art,
> A question that makes me feel honoured to ask of thee,
> C that thou remainst the best,
> L for Lisa - how is she these days?
> 'E-that-Stomps will like this question too:
>
> Why is the King of Hearts in a standard pack of cards stabbing himself
> in the head?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Arrogant questioner,
} No honour is due to you for your question,
} Seeing that the Oracle does not like being accused of ignorance.
} What do you mean, C that thou remainest the best? Learn of C++.
} Everyone else knows that Lisa is in the best of forms,
} Reference to 'E-that-stomps was not in the best of taste - unless you
} like being tasted.
}
} The King of Hearts, the poor chap(s), is/are committing suicide. Unable
} to face life as a two-dimensional Siamese twin with NO sex life,
} He/It/They decided to end it all.
} Faced with the apparent plethora of hearts that HIT possesses, and the
} ready availability of donor organs, HIT decided to stab HITself in the
} head(s). Fortunately for the game balance of bridge (contract, auction
} and suspension) the Samaritan hotline help has redirected him into
} suicidal fantasies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a donation to the Samaritans, and an explanation of
} how a cheerleader managed to get access to a terminal.


325-10    (07322 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> how do you convince a girl in a foreign country 10,000 miles away to
> break up with her boy friend and spend all day writing email and
> fantasizing about you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle can suggest three approaches, each with its own particular
} merits.
}
} 1) Pre-emptive strike.  Murder all men in the world.  Just in case your
} absent belle is bisexual, murder all the women.  For good measure, kill
} off the German Shepherds while you're at it.  You are now the most
} desirable thing on Earth.
}
} 2) Corrective surgery.  For a reasonable fee, Dr. Julius P. Merganzer
} of Antwerp will add seven inches to your tongue.
}
} 3) Government guarantees.  Convince your local congressman to obtain
} $27 million for "Improvement of International Relations."  Buy LOTS of
} roses.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half dozen Geisha girls and a supply of sake.


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