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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is the fink that was so dank as to think that he could thank the > blinking skink and wanking crank in this think-tank (where those who > wink are those with rank) without a dink, without a spank?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                                                       March 5, 1966 } } Comrade Skanksky, } } Your literary production has been reviewed by the Committee for } Socialist Poetics of the Semipalatinsk branch of the Soviet Writers' } Union and has been found to contain grave flaws, the nature of which } are both aesthetic and political. The most serious are discussed in } detail below; it is the expectation of the Committee that you will } correct these errors; when you have done so, you are invited to submit } the corrected product to the Committee for Socialist criticism. In this } way you will be lead to produce true Socialist poetics. } } As to the specific flaws: } }       1)      Use of the word "Who" to begin a poem which is, in truth, }               one extended interrogatory sentence, could lead }               unsophisticated comrades to incorrect conclusions. }               Remember, Comrade Skanksky, that while the role of the }               progressive poet in bourgeois societies is to question, }               thus preparing the intelligentsia for the coming of the }               Revolution, the role of the Soviet poet is to instruct. }               Tell them who, do not ask. } }       2)      Use of the word "fink" is strictly proscribed from the }               canon of Socialist poetics. The term is of Zionist }               origin; in addition, its use is associated with the false }               trade unions in some Western countries, and is }               inadmissable in our Soviet life. Indeed, hooligans have }               sometimes applied this term to members of our heroic }               Committee for State Security! } }       3)      The word "dank" as you have used it here, smacks of the }               bourgeois poetic deviation of Imagism, and is }               incompatible with Socialist poetics. } }       4)      The word "think" is only to be used in association with a }               specific, Marxist-Leninist thought; adherence to this }               elementary principle of Socialist poetics is sadly }               lacking here. You have shirked your responsiblity for the }               politcal education of the Workers, Comrade Skanksky. } }       5)      The word "thank", as you have used it here, suggests }               conspiracy with foreign banking interests. This is the }               second Zionist influence in the poem; this is troubling, }               and has been referred to the Semipalatinsk office of the }               Committe for State Security. } }       6)      The phrase "the blinking skink and the cranking wank" is }               clearly obscene. Comrade Skansky, the Workers have no }               time for such bourgeois decadence! Perhaps your }               privileged position as an Assistant Cyberneticist has led }               you to lose sight of proletarian values? Perhaps a more }               proletarian task would further your development as a }               Socialist poet. } }       7)      The foreign neologism "think-tank" is an obvious }               reference to the American Central Intelligence Agency. }               This is not a violation of Socialist poetics in itself; }               in fact, the Committee thinks that it is the most }               promising and progressive feature of your poem. However, }               you do not show proper diligence in developing this }               theme. Remember that the great V. Mayakovsky wrote: "the }               tireless enemy never sleeps." You must be equally }               tireless in denouncing the CIA, Comrade Skanksky! } }       8)      It is the unanimous opinion of the Committee for }               Socialist Poetics that the clause "(where those who wink }               are those with rank)" is patent anti-Soviet slander. } }       9)      The phrase "without a dink, without a spank" is another }               example of dabbling in Western decadence and obscenity. } } In conclusion, Comrade Skanksky, the Committee for Socialist Poetics } thanks you for allowing us to criticize your literary product. We hope } that you will strengthen your development of progressive themes, as } indicated in point 7 above, and purge it and all other literary works } undertaken by you of political and aesthetic error. We expect to see a } corrected draft soon. } }                                       Yours in Fraternal Socialist }                                       Struggle, U. F. Oracle }                                       Commissar of Prosody }                                       Soviet Writers' Union }                                       Semipalatinsk Branch } } P.S.:         You will be contacted by the Committee for State }       Security, regarding a series of remedial classes in }       Marxism-Leninism. We believe that this will aid in your }       development as a Soviet Poet.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose very robes I could not touch without suffering > at least unending torment in the nethermost depths of hell, or at > least a few minutes in a microwave, who walks with the Gods and even > is invited to play Brockian Ultra-Cricket with them every Thursday, > whose swim towel is a hoopy shade of mauve, who looks so unlike a > beetle as to possibly be called the anti-beetle, whose dog can dance > in 15 different languages at the same time, who can type upon the > keyboard in such a sensual manner as to make the terminal groan in > throes of happiness, who if he was to write a book would recieve all > kinds of neato awards even before it was finished, who has an infinite > number of supplicants to throw lightning at whenever the wish strikes > him, who knows all the puns, and who appears as a burning coke can > that is not consumed when he deigns to appear at all to the most > foolish moratls that are forever asking his infinite and spiffy > advice, would you please, please, with great mounds of sugar and a > cherry with gobs of whipped cream and whatever other sweet topping > your greatness wishes for and enjoys on top, tell this poor > supplicant, who has no knowledge when stood next to you, whose soul is > forever doomed to walk the earth with a slight itch in a hard to reach > place because it was bold enough to bother you, whose dog has trouble > walking and panting at the same time, who doesn't even own a > bath towel or a washcloth, who at just the thought of thinking about > the possibility of letting the thought of considering the Oracle in > all his greatness must immediately fall down upon the earth and chant > "Hey Nonny Nonny No" many many times to keep from being struck just > plain silly, why do you require so much grovelling and such before a > question, though I do not question your judgement, which I know is far > beyond anything I have ever encountered, making all the knowledge of > the Earth through all of history look like something that you probably > wouldn't even stub your toe on in the dark, even though that isn't a > very good analogy, since you would never stub your toe, as that would > imply some fault on your part, which is obviously impossible, but just > for the sake of the analogy, which of course, coming from one such as > me, is vastly inferior to any analogy or even any sound you might > utter after stubbing your toe, is not very good, but might be kept > anyway, and though I want to end this poor mortal's request soon, I > really have no idea what punctuation mark to use, so I'll probably go > with an ellipsis, since that would imply that I might have gone on a > bit, and grovelled some more before stopping, as I think I will right > now, though if it displeases you, Oh Great One, I will stop, as I am > such a poor worm crawling on, nay, below the dirt, and I would never > want to or even consider annoying you in any way, SO I will stop now, > hoping against hope that my small smidgin of knowledge is enough to > know if I have not grovelled to little or to much, and likewise for > praising thy great name, so I'll just drift off now...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Can you repeat the question?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh ORACLE whose wisdom is more immense than george bush's > ability to deceive the american public: > > wherefore art intel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Comrade Nodagain, I have broken into the Amerikan defense computers. } Shall I reprogram them so they can't fire their missles when we launch } our nuclear strike?" } } "Of course Comrade Standin, that was the plan, no?" } } <Typity-type-type-clickity-click-click> } } "There, we are in" } } "What does it say?" } } "It says, 'wherefore art intel?'  Perhaps this is some new security?" } } "What else does it say?" } } "It mentions the great prowess of the Amerikan president!  They are } on to us!" } } "Quick you fool, log off immediately!" } } --------------------BEEP---------------------

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who truly knows what is good in life, I was just > wondering: > > In a fight between Batman and Superman, who would win?  What if Batman > and Superman teamed up against Mike Ditka and the Chicago Bears; who > would win then?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is vital when considering such questions to realize that Batman } and Superman, under most circumstances, never appear together.  So any } hypothetical fight between them would naturally be the result of a } wholly fictional event, and thus entirely up to the writers, unlike } their usual adventures, which always turn out for the best as we both } know. } } However, if the Oracle were to write the epic battle, it would not only } be jolly exciting, but the eventual victor would be (wait for it!) } Robin. Robin, you say?  Yes, Robin.  It has always been My view that } Robin is in fact the force behind Batman.  Ever since he changed from } Adam West to Michael Keaton, there has been a certain something missing } from his character, a certain panache, a certain style, a certain... } appeal, and I firmly believe it is due to the missing presence of his } young ward. You see, while it was never revealed to the general public, } the Oracle sees all, and it is clear to me that Robin was the real } crimefighter fo the two, but due to his diminutive stature, hired } another to be the 'front' for his activities, to draw fire and impress } the locals, you know.  At any rate, he certainly didn't give all his } secrets to Batman; that would be foolish.  In fact, despite his lack of } the other-worldly powers enjoyed by Superman, with his gadgetry alone } he was a formidable opponent.  While I can't go into specifics for } obvious reasons, Robin was technologically far ahead of his time, and } is more than a match for Superman. } } As for Mr. Ditka and the Bears, such a contest would depend largely on } the location and the time of year in which the contest took place.  The } Bears would not be in training during certain times of the year, and } would feel out of their element were they not in a stadium or a bar. } Mr. Ditka himself, of course, would not participate, but rather would } act in his customary role as a noncombatant. } } You owe the Oracle a complete set of Bears comic books and season } tickets to the Superman/Batman games.  Or something like that.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    oh oracle most spiffy who never cesses to amaze even 7-11 store > managers. tell me... > why do birds fall down from the sky > every time you walk by?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      just like me }       they long to be }       close to you. } } you owe the oracle a package of breath mints

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and sensitive yet politically-correct Oracle, why is it that > men are required to flirt with me over email, accidentally say > something insulting, and then get all whimpery and sad and think > they're completely socially incompetant when I tease them about it? > It's happened twice today.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Oracle } Apprenticeship Program.  Has everyone done the reading assignment? } Yes?  Good. And have you had a chance to look over the sample question? }  Yes?  No?  Some trouble? Ok, let's put the overhead up and look at it. } } <Lights dim. Projector on.> } } "As you can see the question contains an appropriate salutation, 'Oh } wise and sensitive, etc. etc.' and is followed by a relatively short } question concerning men who get whimpery and sad when they're insulted. }  Now, would anyone like to take a whack at it? } } <Several hands wave> } } "Yes, you in the third row." } } "Well, obviously the letter is written by some obnoxious babe who loves } to flirt with these guys and build them up so she can knock them down. } I think it would be appropriate for a real crusher of an insult to put } her in her place." } } "Yes. Well, while that may or may not be true, your answer doesn't } really fall under 'wise and sensitive'.  Also, the writer may not be a } woman. } } <Class mumbles> } } "Ok, ok, I admit that the writer IS probably a woman, but it wouldn't } be politically correct to simply assume that, and the writer did } address the Oracle as 'politically correct'.  Sometimes those } salutations come back to haunt you.  Also, if you want to be considered } the 'all-knowing' Oracle, it's best not to get tripped up on the small } details. } } <Class marvels> } } "One of the options open to the Oracle is to trip the writer up on the } writer's own small details. Can anyone show me how that might be done } with this question.  Yes, you in the 6th row?" } } "The way the writer spells e-mail as 'email'? } } "Well, you might possibly get a smile out of that one.  But I was } looking for something else.  Yes, you in the 5th row eating the } sno-cone." } } "The way the writer uses the word 'required'?" } } "Good!  Yes. The writer says, '... men are required to flirt with } me...'. This opens the door to a number of jokes.  Maybe a joke about } how some colleges have strange requirements. } } <Students laugh> } } "Any questions?  Yes, you in the scuba suit." } } "Oracle, how would you have answered this?" } } "Me?  This is only a beginner's class.  When you get more advanced } you'll learn how to simulate Unix logins or write some detective } fiction or put down a poem or a top-ten list.  My personal favorite is } to create a fictional dialog that treats the questioner as a third } party, without ever actually answering the question. } } <Bell rings> } } "Well that's it.  For next class, please read chapters 4 and 5 and do } the problem sets." } }             ------------------------------------ } You owe the Oracle a pamphlet on political correctness, you stupid } bimbo.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, please tell me - > > Why does my peanut butter keep sticking to the roof of my mouth ? > > Thank you in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You would rather it stick to the backs of your knees? } } You owe the oracle a case of Jif and Peter Pan.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is subliminal sexual advertising a good idea?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                               In  spite }                            of the seeming }                           benefits      to }                           the   advertiser, }                          in  the   form   of }                          short-term increases }                          in sales and product }                             attractiveness, }                           subliminal   sexual }                          advertising should be }                          avoided as a marketing }                          tool.  The  inevitable }                          long-range effect is a }                          permanent  association }                          in the consumer's mind }                          between the product and }                          the  foulest  of sexual }                          perversions.    It  may }                          require years and a cost }                          of millions  of  dollars }                         to restore to the product }                         line  a  wholesome  image. }                         Consider the  case of  the }                         Coca   Cola    Corporation, }                    which has incorporated sexual imagery }                  into its soft drink advertisements without }                shame or hesitation for several decades.  From }              the early seventies scenes  of  nature-worshipping }             bra-less flower children rolling in the grass to the }            nineties bikini-clad  breast-joggling beach volleyball }           players, Coca Cola's promotional spots have never varied }          from  their slut-filled  crotch-worshipping  skin-flashing }          hormone-driven norm. As a result, today Coke finds itself in }          dreadful straits.  Some 78% of all women between puberty and }          menapause admit to dildoing with an ice-cold bottle of  Coke }           at least once per  week (and  many as often  as four times }            daily), but only 4% still drink  the soda  inside that }               bottle.    Since a single  bottle can  service a }                  healthy young woman for several years without }                     suffering in quality, Coca Cola has put }                        itself in  an      unenviable }                            business        posture. } } You owe the Oracle what comes to mind.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh for heaven's sake--don't bother me with these requests.  Get a } forked stick and walk around until it pulls downward, then dig there. } } Sheesh.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and mighty Oracle, who selflessly and at no small personal > expense beams the unscrambled Playboy Channel signal to impoverished > third-world nations, please plunge me into the bright light with an > answer to the following question: > > A box of "Good & Plenty" contains both pink and white candies.  Are the > pinks the "goods" and are the whites the "plenties"?  Or is it the > other way around? > > Thanks in advance for the answer, and thanks for just being you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you've got completely the wrong idea. } } The candies (both pink and white) are "plenty", 'cause there's plenty } of them. The box is "good", because it contains far more nutritional } value than the candies. } } You owe the Oracle a signal booster for those nations set in valleys.