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Internet Oracularities #327

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327, 327-01, 327-02, 327-03, 327-04, 327-05, 327-06, 327-07, 327-08, 327-09, 327-10


Usenet Oracularities #327    (14 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Wed, 17 Jul 91 10:52:42 -0500

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327   14 votes 2a200 26420 02552 35510 13910 03443 36500 23522 22433 26231
327   2.7 mean  2.0   2.4   3.5   2.3   2.7   3.5   2.1   2.9   3.2   2.6


327-01    (2a200 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively very most noble Oracle, master of all holiness, in whose
> presence Corazon Aquino whimpers, whose ear is infinite, grant me this
> morsel of your wisdom.  How can I turn my restaurateur into a beastie?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} the oracle speaks...pay attention:
}
} for this you must not deal with things of this material, mortal, world
} but must rely on magic.  You must collect for yourself one eye of newt,
} one wing of bat and one leg of gila monster (particularly hard to find
} these days).  Put all 3 ingredients in a large Dutch oven and 2.5 cups
} of chicken broth, 1 tsp of each: oregano, parsley, & sage.  1/16 tsp
} of cinnamon. 1/4 clove garlic. salt and pepper to taste.  Add mixed
} vegetables such as round potatoes, carrots, peas, pea pods, water
} chestnuts, red, yellow and green bell pepper strips.  Bring to a boil
} for 15 minutes then simmer till only 1/2 broth is left.  Serve hot on a
} rice pilaf. Garnish with a sprig of parsley or a clump of raw broccoli.
}
} Serve to the resteraunteur.  In the morning he will be...a beastie...
}
} The oracle has spoken...you owe it one batch of the above recipie which
} serves 2....


327-02    (26420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most nonpareil Oracle, paragon of pulchritude, please tell me,
>
> what is wrong with me??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The top ten things wrong with you.....
}
} 10) You are a member of an insignificant species on a worthless
} little planet in a backwater galaxy of a cluster of negligible
} import.
}
} 9) You just irritated me by waking me up to answer your
} question.
}
} 8) You are spending so much time close to the computer that you
} are starting to develop subdermal radiation.
}
} 7) You are wasting your time chasing a futile degree to get a job
} to become a soon-to-be-obscelete wage slave
}
} 6) You haven't showered recently enough, like all too many
} computer nerds. Go shower, and I'll give you the next five. I can
} wait.....
}
} {dum de dum de dum}
}
} Ah. Now where was I?
}
} 5) You're dripping water onto the keyboard.
}
} 4) You aren't spending enough time chasing members of the
} appropriate species, much less the opposite sex. Leave the
} fraternity's pet sheep alone. (Besides, you can catch 6 different
} kinds of VD from it.)
}
} 3) You know more computer languages than ways to say "I love
} you."
}
} 2) You don't grovel enough
}
} And the number one thing wrong with you.......
}
} 1) There are only nine things wrong with you, which makes it
} damned hard to make a top ten list out of your $%!+ question.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE to remove at least two of the above
} problems from this list. I suggest chasing members of the
} appropriate sex as a fun hobby to take up. Here, Lisa....
} (BWAHAHA)    <Shriek> <Giggle>
}
} ERR: NET.CENSOR OVERIDE AT 23:00 HOURS


327-03    (02552 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wonderful Oracle:
>
> I was just trying to make up a list of the ten most humiliating things
> that have ever happened to me, but I can't figure out how to order it.
> Most of them are all humiliating in different ways, so I can't easily
> tell which ones are worst, and which ones aren't quite so bad.  Can
> you help?
>
> Oh, and if you have time, what are the most humiliating things that
> are *going* to happen to me in the future?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last night's party was PARTICULARLY vicious, and the hangover has
} produced an odd sort of temporal dislocation.  Determining what lies in
} your past as opposed to your future requires rather more concentration
} than the Oracle is willing to expend today.  So, you'll have to be
} satisfied with this list of the ten most humiliating experiences in
} your life, in chronological order.  You should be able to figure out
} which ones to look forward to.
}
} 1)  Birth.
} 2)  Circumcision.
} 3)  Toilet training.
} 4)  The time your big sister dressed you in one of her old dresses, and
}     took you to the park with a bunch of her friends, and your best
}     friend Billy Jackson was there, and he ran around and told everyone
}     that you were "cute".
} 5)  When you tried to kiss Debbie Baum during lunch, and spilled
}     chocolate milk into your lap, and you were so embarassed you pissed
}     yourself.
} 6)  The time you were at the movies with that beautiful, fascinating,
}     sexy woman, the one you'd been saving yourself for, and you were
}     about to ask her to marry you, and the guy in the seat behind you
}     puked into your hair.
} 7)  That time when the neighbor's rottweiler got loose and bit you on
}     the butt and you had to stand through three job interviews the next
}     day and explain why.
} 8)  The day the small, green aliens snatched you out of your car,
}     dissected you while you watched, put you back together with a flash
}     of purple light, and left you semi-conscious, naked, and raving on
}     the streets of Manhattan, and nobody noticed anything out of the
}     ordinary.
} 9)  The day you got up in the morning, got dressed, went to work, and
}     spent four hours at your desk before you realized that you'd been
}     fired the previous day.
} 10) Death.
}
} You owe the Oracle two aspirin and the current time.


327-04    (35510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   To the mighty of the mighty.  To the big answer mark in the sky.
>   To your eternal everything-ness.
>
>   * What should I do now? *

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DDDDDDDD    UU      UU    CCCCCC    KK      KK       !!
} DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK    KK         !!
} DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK  KK           !!
} DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KKKK             !!
} DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK  KK           !!
} DD      DD  UU      UU  CC          KK    KK
} DDDDDDDD      UUUUUU      CCCCCCC   KK      KK       !!
}
}         Oops, you didn't duck. The assassin got you. Now the
} location of the Maltese falcon will remain lost for another
} twenty years. Had you ducked, of course, you then should have
} told someone else, but dodging bullets should ALWAYS take
} priority over socializing. Do better in your next incarnation.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a Bogart movie that hasn't been
} colorized, and a lead bird-shaped paperweight.


327-05    (13910 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most incredibly wow-er-ific Oracle, in all your
> peachy-keen-niftyness... Answer me query...
>
> It's almost 2 in the morning.  I have to work in the morning.  Why am I
> sitting at a keyboard wasting my time like this?  And don't tell me I
> need a woman.  I had one, but she was too much of a pain, so I sold her
> to an Arab.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <burrrr burrrr>
}
} <burrrr burrrr>
}   ...hmphhh?
} <burrrr burrrr>
} <YAWWWNN...>
} <burrrr burCLICK>
}
} Geez, look at the time... Well, let's see what's so god-awful important
} at this time of night that it sets off the alarm...
}
} That's it? Someone with neither the intelligence to go to bed at a
} decent hour or the self-knowledge to understand what's keeping him up?
} I've gotta get my emergency line calibrated.
}
} Well, as long as I'm up...
}
} You are staying up this late because you suffer from the absurd
} delusion that the cold, sterile world of computers can offer you some
} form of entertainment and comfort that can't be found in your warm bed.
} You have a masochistic stubborness about you that will keep you awake
} no matter how much pain you know you will suffer tomorrow as you
} stumble through your job in a semconscious state. Despite your fierce
} denial and therefore actual fears that you have no social life, your
} social life is adequate and has nothing to do with your compu-nocturnal
} activities. Far more important is your inability to face the reality of
} your situation and the consequences of your actions.
}
} Normally I would charge double the standard psychiatric rate for a
} simple diagnosis considering the lateness of the hour, but I'll let
} this one be a freebie if you GO TO BED!
}
} ...oh, and by the way, I think you made a mistake selling your last
} woman. She's turned out to be one of the best bargains I've ever gotten
} from Hakim.
}
} Goodnight.


327-06    (03443 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Through the pounding waves comes a small boat, containing only one
> man.  His back is bent with the task of rowing his craft to the
> rocky shore.  As the boat reaches the shore, a titanic wave crashes
> it into the rocks, and smashes it to bits.  As the surf subsides,
> it becomes clear that the pilot has survived virtually unscathed.
>
> He crawls up the beach away from the surf, and rests for a moment.
> Then he begins the long ascent up the cliff facing the beach.  As
> he proceeds higher, each step is made more perilous than the last
> by the loose shale and gravel that cover the narrow goat path up
> to the summit.  Finally, he reaches the top, and at once he is
> assailed by the gale-force winds blowing across the mesa before him.
>
> He bends into the wind, and trudges single-mindedly into the storm.
> After a time, snow begins to fall and the gale turns into a blizzard.
> Just at the last moments of visibility before the coming twilight and
> blowing snow swollow all chance of survival, his destination comes
> into view: a one-room wooden shack which looks fit to be condemed,
> but is never the less proof against the storm's fury.
>
> He opens the door, and the rusty hinges screem and groan in protest.
> The inside reveals nothing save a table and a chair in one corner.
> On the table is a terminal lighting the room in a ghostly blue-gray
> glow.  The man sits before the terminal, which, as if sensing his
> presence, displays a message which first appears to be in some
> foriegn alphabet, but after a moment, it can be seen to be a very
> odd font.  The message says:
>
>    Speak, traveler.  What question have you for the Oracle?
>
> For several long moments the traveler sits staring at the message.
> Then he slowly begins to type on the keyboard:
>
>    Mighty Oracle: I have braved many hazards, risked my life, and
>    forsook any hope of return to my native land to gain your
>    wisdom.  The question I ask has been pondered by the wise men
>    of my country to no avail -- but surely you must know.
>
>    This is the puzzle I seek to unlock: where lies the greatest
>    treasure of life?
>
> After this, the traveler opens his pack, and makes camp in the
> corner of the shack, to await an answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The greatest treasure of life is the one you have just given up.


327-07    (36500 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I explode a person (or a naval base) and thereby create
> worldwide economic stability?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The oracle speaks:
} Oh you foolish mortal.  The answer is so simple.  All you need
} do is watch one episode of the television show you humans call
} MacGyver.  After just one hour of simple instruction you will
} be told how to construct bombs, disarm bombs, and meet a beautiful
} woman, all using simple household objects.  For instance, some
} calcium phosphate, coal, sulfur and diamonds are a very effective
} directional grenade when placed in a lead pipe.
}
} Next you must go to the doctor and have plastic surgery to make
} yourself look like a famous person...any person would do.  Even
} Richard Dean Anderson of the previously mentioned show.  Then
} you call the white-+-house and get an invitation to a dinner
} with the president.  You can hide the lead pipe in your pants
} and you will be the hit of the party (thus getting the beautiful
} women mentioned above).
}
} Then as the dinner is winding down you light a match and blow up
} little millie the dog.  The resulting domino effect will collapse
} the entire world into a chaotic ruin.
}
} The oracle has spoken:  You owe it one flea collar, one 14 carat
} diamond and one 3 inch member extension.


327-08    (23522 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                  An IMPASSE, is still an IMPASSE!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO, IT'S NOT!  IT'S NOT!  I'M NOT LISTENING I'M NOT LISTENING -- OH,
} SAY CAAAN YOU *SEEEEEEEE*, BY THE DAAAWN'S EAR-LY LIIIIGHT....
}
} You owe the Oracle a megaphone and a pair of earplugs.


327-09    (22433 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that they are called "Apartments" when they are all pushed
> together?  They hardly seem "apart" to me ...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The term "apartment" was a brainstorm from the ancient marketing firm
} of Eiriksson and Eiriksson, who also handled the "Greenland" account,
} developed the "War to End all Wars" campaign, and acted as press agents
} for Richard Nixon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better image.


327-10    (26231 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I find a map of a cat ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Find?!  Find, you say?  As if these things were just lying around
} all over the place, waiting for you to pick them up?  Nay, irreverent
} dabbler, such is not the way of cats.
}       On the practical side, you have hit it on the nose (for which the
} ASPCA has been duly notified, the Oracle preferring to leave you to
} your earthly justice for this offense) with your specification "of A
} cat." The problem is that they're all different.
}       So, assuming that you have "found" a map *to* a cat, and have the
} cat, getting the map of said cat is straightforward.  Clearly you need
} to take it to your nearest hospital and have it cat-scanned!  You may
} need many disks to contain the info, however.
}       Only beware!  Your curiosity may kill the cat.
}
} You owe the Oracle:
}       a) proper respect.  Go out and grovel to the 1st three people you
}               meet.
}       b) 2 Seldane.


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