[IO]
Internet Oracle
24 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 20:20:22 GMT

Internet Oracularities #328

Goto:
328, 328-01, 328-02, 328-03, 328-04, 328-05, 328-06, 328-07, 328-08, 328-09, 328-10


Usenet Oracularities #328    (14 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 19 Jul 91 12:13:42 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

328   14 votes 03245 45311 15611 03542 24404 33341 36212 16331 04334 37202
328   2.9 mean  3.8   2.3   2.7   3.4   3.0   2.8   2.5   2.8   3.5   2.4


328-01    (03245 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Grovel, grovel, grovel.  Oracle, why do guys in bars go up to women and
> say stupid things like, "Gawd, you have big t-ts!!!" as if they (the
> voluptuous women) didn't know that already!!!???  I mean really, why
> ARE men so dumb?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, this isn't a question of being smart or being dumb, the
} simple truth is that three hundred years ago (314, to be exact), all
} the men in the world agreed to use only lines from a standardized list
} of pick-up lines.  Originally, there were over 47,000 of them, so
} repetition wasn't a problem at all.  The problem is that most of these
} lines just didn't work at all, and were dropped.  Deleted were classics
} such as:
}
}   "Did you know brocolli is a source of eight important vitamins and
}     minerals."
}
} and
}
}   "Pardon me, but I have Syphillus and would really like to get to know
}     you better."
}
} Nowadays, only fourteen of the original lines are still in existence.
} These are:
}
}    "Say, have I seen you around here before?"
}    "What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?"
}    "Admire my schlong."
}    "Gawd, you have big tits." (your favorite)
}    "Hi, my name is Ted Kennedy."
}    "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I just don't feel like being alone
}      for the next fifteen minutes."
}    "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like someone I once
}      knew?"
}    "Did I say that I can hold my breath for ten minutes?"
}    "You know, your eyes are the most beautiful shade of plaid."
}    "What's your sign?  Besides 'Smoking' that is."
}    "Excuse me miss, maybe you know.  How should I spend the seventy
}      million I just won in the lottery?"
}    "Do you believe in fate?  _Fatal Attraction_ then?"
}    "Normally, I never go to bars myself..."
}    "Bond, James Bond."
}
} Now be sure and destroy this list as soon as you read it, because at
} all costs, this list must be kept from the general public, otherwise
} population growth would grind to a halt, and chaos would ensue.  Can't
} have that happening, can we?
}
} As payment, you have to tell the Oracle why women always go to the
} bathroom in groups.


328-02    (45311 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Corazon Aquino set off Mt. Pinotubo on purpose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You sniveling mortal!  How dare you ask a question of the Oracle
} without appropriately humbling yourself!  How dare you think of
} your self so highly that you may ask of the Oracle, without first
} demonstrating your appreciation for the gifts the Oracle bestows
} upon miserable humanity!
}
} THE ORACLE IS NOT PLEASED!!!
}
} RUMBLE RUMBLE RUMBLE
}
} FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ORACLE AS THE GROUND MOVES BENEATH YOUR FEET,
} AND THE MOUNTAINS START TO SPEW ASH, NOXIOUS FUMES, AND MOLTEN
} DEATH UPON YOUR PEOPLE!
}
} (Come to think of it, this is the same thing that happened to
} Mt. Pinotubo)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Lava Lamp.


328-03    (15611 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and asexual Oracle, please tell me this thing.  I am constantly
> being pursued by CS freshmen and sophomores, mostly students in the
> class I TA. They're all alike and all very boring.  I can get rid of
> them individually, but I'd really like to get rid of the phenomenon.
> How can I do so?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gosh, am I really asexual? Lemme check my report card (flip, flip,
} flip) . . . Ah, here it is:
}
}        Wisdom: A
}        Knowledge: A
}        Disposition: C-
}        Sex: A
}
} Yeah, I guess I am . . . of course, Ms. Athena (the Goddess of Third
} Grade) was an old softy - had I been in Ms. Minerva's class,
} undoubtably I would now be washing amphorae somewhere, instead of
} answering Questions.
}
} Anyway, I do have the qualifications to answer your Question, so here
} goes:
}
} 1) Dig a pit behind yourself (yes, I know it's difficult to operate
} a shovel behind your own back, but I never promised this would be
} easy).
}
} 2) Fill said pit with either a) crocodiles, or b) burning gasoline (do
} *not* fill it with both - it is cruel to the crocodiles and lowers the
} octane rating of the gasoline). If crocodiles are unobtainable,
} alligators may be substituted, provided that they *think* that they
} are crocodiles.
}
} 3) Those students who attempt to follow you will fall into the pit.
} This sets up a process of natural selection - within the next five
} million years, the student population will have aquired one of the
} following two traits:
}
}    a) The lack of any desire whatsoever to follow you, or
}
}    b) The ability to survive a fall into a pit of crocodiles/petrol.
}
} The former possibility is, of course, the most desirable, but in the
} latter case, you can at least be sure that the students are not all
} "the same" - they will most assuredly be quite different from what
} they *were* five million years back.
}
} You owe the Oracle a gasoline t-shirt.


328-04    (03542 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the ancient hidden story?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Despite a shameful lack of brown-nosing, I will tell you the story.  I
} have been dying to tell it for years, and you seem to be a deserving,
} but arrogant, soul.
}
} "Once upon a time, there was a fellow named..."
}
}       Wait!  You are not going to tell him "The Ancient Hidden
}       Story?"  Are you?
}
} Uh, yeah.  Why not?
}
}       It is too powerful for a mere mortal.  It will turn his brains
}       into fine grade mush.
}
} Sure, but it will be highly literate mush.  It seems like a fair trade
} to me.
}
} "a fellow named Harly."
}
}       Burt.
}
} What's Burt?
}
}       The name is Burt, not Harly.
}
} Burt, Harly, it does NOT make any difference.  Fine, Burt it is.
}
} "a fellow named Burt."  Happy?  "Burt lived on a small farm with his
} wife, children, and farm animals.  They loved each other dearly."
}
}       That is totally sick.
}
} What are you talking about?
}
}       Incest and beastiality.  This story is getting better by the
}       second.  I can not wait to see where it goes from here.
}
} You filthy pervert!  I meant love in a nice, warm way.  Except, of
} course, between Burt and his wife.  Their love is more, ah, intimate,
} but the children and animals are not involved in that part!  You
} understand?  OK.
}
} "One day Burt discovered a shiny, copper coin in his field."
}
}       Let me get this straight.  Burt discovered a "shiny, copper
}       coin" in the dirt?  How long had it been there?
}
} I don't know how long!  Who cares!
}
}       Copper corrodes very easily.  If you had said "a green,
}       encrusted coin which might contain copper," then I would
}       believe you.
}
} It's a magic coin, see?  Magic coins don't rust!
}
}       Ah, a magic coin.  That makes sense.  I fully understand.
}       Please continue.
}
} Sigh...  "As he reached down to grab the coin, a worm peeped up out of
} the soil.  The worm said..."
}
}       A talking worm.  Magical, no doubt.
}
} No doubt... "The worm said, 'please do not take my coin.  It is my
} last coin.'"
}
}       The worm had owned several coins?  How did he carry them?  What
}       did he spend them on?  Is there a secret economy among talking
}       worms?  Was there an exchange rate between human currency and
}       worm coins?  How did the worms make the coins?  Why were the
}       coins magical?  What did the coins do?  How did the coin get
}       into the field?  Is there a point to this story?  Does it ever
}       end?  It does seem to be a very long story.  Are you finished
}       yet?
}
} Shut up!  Shut up!  Forget it.  That was the end of the story.  Not
} very exciting, but it made a deep commentary on the failure of the
} modern agricultural/political inferface.
}
} You owe the Oracle a word in edgewise.


328-05    (24404 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    Help I've fallen and I can't get up!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Rushes to the telephone)
}
} (Dials 000 or 911 or whatever the emergency number is
}  in your area)
}
} "Police, fire or ambulance?"
}
} "Ambulance, someone is hurt, quickly!!"
}
} "Putting you through."
}
} (Sounds of phone connections being made)
}
} "Ambulance service, address please."
}
} "Uh, well, somewhere on the net?"
}
} "Can you do better than that please sir?"
}
} "Uh, you could try Indiana..."
}
} "We'll do that sir. An ambulance is on its way.
}  Now sir, what is the nature of the accident?"
}
} "I thought you said the ambulance was already
}  on its way."
}
} "We radio them sir. Standard procedure. Now,
} number of persons requiring treatment?"
}
} "One. I think."
}
} "And what attention does this person require?"
}
} "Uh, not sure. They've fallen over and can't get
}  up, I'm afraid that's all I know."
}
} "Fallen over. Is this person pregnant sir?"
}
} "I don't know, sorry."
}
} "Elderly, possibility of hip fracture?"
}
} "Don't know, sorry."
}
} "And you said they've fallen over in a net."
}
} "No, on the net."
}
} "Yes, sir. Our crew has arrived in Indiana,
}  sir, can you give a more precise location?"
}
} "Try the University. On the Vax I think. The
}  Computer."
}
} "Thankyou sir. That will do sir. Give us your
}  number and we'll let you know how things go."
}
} (Gives number)
}
} (Time passes)
}
} (Men in dark blue overalls arrive and another
}  with a white coat and a syringe. Capture is
}  effected and the local asylum gains a new
}  patient)
}
} "The net. It's an electronic entity, I tell you!"
}
} (Protests are ignored. Sedation occurs)
}
}               --- I hope you're pleased with yourself ---
}               --- You owe the Oracle a visit          ---


328-06    (33341 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, whose knowledge of things to be is only surpassed by
> your knowledge of things that have been, please answer my humble
> question:
>
> Since the turn of the century until recently, the trend in female
> underclothes has been clear: less and less of them for each year.
> First women stopped wearing corsets, then more and more items of
> lingerie fell into disuse, until it culminated with feminsts burning
> their bras in the seventies. In the last decade or so, the trend seems
> to have reversed itself, though; lingerie seems to be quite in now
> (maybe thanks to Madonna).
>
> What will happen in the future - what kind of underwear will women
> wear in a hundred years, say? Is it OK to let the heroine of an SF
> novel set in the 26th century wear 1990-style panties and bra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O WOW!!! IT SENDS BACK A QUESTION!!!  NEAT! I WONDER WHERE I CAN GET A
} COPY OF THE SOURCE CODE FOR THE ORACLE... I WANT TO SET MY OWN UP ON
} MY BROTHERS COMPUTER.  HE HAS ALOT OF NEAT WAREZ, BUT NOTHING LIEK
} THIS...
}
} AM I SUUPOSED TO ANSWER THE QUESTION??? IT SEEM SLIKE A TOUGH ONE!!!
} I DUNNO THAT MUCH ABOUT THAT STUFF, BUT SOMETIMES MY FRIENDS AND I
} LOOK AT PLAYBOY.  THEY DON"T USE LONJERAY TOO MUCH IN THERE...
}
} I"LL JUST GUESS ADN SAY THAT IN THE FUTURE EVERYBODYWIULL BE DEAD, SO
} IT DOESN"T MATTER.
}
} DO I GET TO ASK FOPR SOMETHING??
}
} OK.  YOU OWE ME 100 BUCKS.  PAY UP NOW, OR ELSE.
}
} BIFF


328-07    (36212 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Think a Duran Duran reunion might happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Riolly, of all the Big Things you could ask that's one of the silliest.
} In fact, I was talking to someone yesterday, and All She Wants Is a
} Duran reunion - she didn't even want me (she told me, "I Don't Want
} Your Love").  I told her I was offering her anything on Planet Earth,
} but she looked at me with A View To A Kill and said that I ought to get
} rid of my collection of Girls On Film before she'd consider it. She
} tried to slap my face but with The Reflex action that's seen me this
} far I grabbed her arm and asked, "Is There Something I Should Know"?
} But she just ignored me and went to play pinball in a nearby Arcadia.
} "Oh well," I thought, "Some Like It Hot ..."  Since then I've tried to
} wear the jacket she bought me once, but it's shrunk in the wash and I
} can't Get It On any more.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sentence containing "Seven And The Ragged Tiger".


328-08    (16331 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most expert in spifficazation and matters tonsorial, please tell
> this unspiffy supplicant:
>
>       Where can I get some Spiff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Spiff can be very hard to find.  The easiest way to get hold of some is
} to make it yourself.
}
} Simply take a liberally greased banana and feed it to a baby gibbon.
} While the gibbon is eating the banana shave one square inch of fur from
} the back of its neck.  Add this to a pot of boiling salted water and
} gently simmer for twelve minutes.  Strain and add 3 oz. corn flakes,
} half a pint of semi-skimmed milk, two egg yolks, a toad of not less
} than 4 inches in length and 6 oz. fresh gelignite (frozen gelignite
} doesn't give such good results.) Microwave at full power for 4 minutes,
} and half power for a further 6 (times based on 650W oven), douse with 7
} fl. oz. brandy and leave overnight in the refrigerator to marinade.
} Next morning, garnish with whipped cream and apply a match.  Pick
} yourself out of the rubble and examine the remains - you should find a
} patch of lightly glowing Spiff.
}
} Alternatively, you can get some with every four litres of oil at a
} Shell station.
}
} You owe the Oracle Mexico.


328-09    (04334 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and supremely supreme oracle, Please, let Me know,
>
> What is the best computer programming language, and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble Thupplicant--
}
} Ath all thervants of electronic deitieth know, there ith only one
} _true_ language.  Ath for why I, the greatetht of all thuch deitieth,
} prefer it...no spethial reason; just naturally parthial to it, I gueth.
}
} You owe the Oracle a boxth of parenthetheth and a dry towel.


328-10    (37202 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and brave, to whom all bow in subserviance...
> Oh Oracle whose masterfull potency ignitates all net.chicks...
>
> What do I have to do to get Paula Abdul?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Ignitates?  That's an interesting way of putting it...)
}
} Straight Up now, as you trying to get the delectable Paula Abdul to be
} Forever Your Girl, you must remember that as Opposites Attract, your
} State Of Attraction must not be Cold Hearted.  You'll be Knocked Out
} when she is Next To You.
}
} The unfortunate news I have for you is that Paula Abdul is not for
} you.  Remember that slightly overweight redhead that you saw
} yesterday?  After a series of misadventures, including the use of
} various kitchen implements, you'll end up marrying her.  You'll have
} three kids, all growing up to be anti-government activists.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Paula Abdul video clips.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org