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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Big-Brother Oracle, > >         How will I know if I'm in love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The monitor cannot be turned off.  Eurasia is at war with Eastasia. } Eurasia has *always* been at war with Eastasia.  The Ministry of Plenty } will give you enough to eat.  The Ministry of Truth will tell you what } to think.  And the Ministry of Love will tell you when you're in love. } } You owe Big Brother a copy of the Cliff Notes to _1984_, and a } colorized picture of Joseph Stalin.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O mighty and wise Oracle, please answer me thus: > >       If this little piggy went to market >       and this little piggy stayed at home, >       then how many piggies would I have left ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all depends on the type of government you want. } } Democratic Party government: } } Since you sent one of your piggies to market, we will tax the proceeds } from that sale at a rate of 65%.  You have 1 piggy left at home (which } with the latest revenue-generating plan to allow us to fund all of } these nice programs that you don't want to fund but we're going to do } anyway) but since you are going to owe us money, we'll just come to } take the piggy now. } } Number of piggies left: 0 } } Republican Party government: } } Actually, it's not too much different than the Democratic Party } government, except you have a lower tax rate at selling time, and the } government will leave you 1/2 of your piggy.  You won't be forced to } fund all of these nasty programs, but you will be made liable for a } large portion of the national debt.  One thing the Republican Party } government will do, however, is to blame all of your tax problems on } the Democrats. } } Number of piggies left: 1/2 } } Socialist Government: } } Since you are a nice, caring individual, you want to share you } remaining piggy with all of those who are less fortunate than you are, } so you willingly give it up. } } Number of piggies left: 0 } } Communist Government: } } Since all property is owned by the State for the benefit of the people, } there is no concept of private property, so therefore you never owned } any piggies. } } Number of piggies left: 0 - but only because you never owned any in the } first place. } } Stalinist Government: } } Bang! } } Number of piggies left: 0 } Number of farmers left: 0 } } Theocratic Government: } } Since all of creation is made by God, everything is owned by him, and } thus you are but a steward of what God has given you.  As a result, a } tithe of you pig is required. } } Number of piggies left: 90% Hallelujah! } .. } } Anyway, there's a list of the number and types of piggies left. } } You owe the Oracle a side of barbecued pork ribs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magnificent Oracle, redacter of the most rarefied religions, > cluefullest of the cabalistic cognoscenti, master of mystical > mechanations, I beg you to help me in my quest for cosmic > enlightenment. > > A few months ago, I was visiting my father, and we went to dinner with > a Chassidic rabbi.  Before the feast began, the rabbi's youngest son > asked: > > "Why is this night different from all other nights?  On all other > nights we eat either chametz or matzah [whatever the hell those are]; > tonight, why do we only eat matzah?  On all other nights we eat either > sitting up or reclining; tonight, why do we always eat reclining?  On > all other nights we do not have to eat spicy food; tonight, why do we > eat maror [whatever the hell that is]?  On all other nights we do not > even dip once; tonight, why do we dip twice?  [Dip what in what?]" > > Or something like that. > > I thought these were all very perceptive questions, but unfortunately, > the answers were all in Hebrew, and I was too embarassed to admit that > I didn't understand. > > Since that dinner, I've puzzled over that cryptic reply, but I just > can't figure it out.  Please help me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If I may read from the _Shaitanic_Verses_ } (by Farquahr Mahmoud, now in hiding after Pat Robertson put a bounty on } him) } } And Moses led his people from Egypt, for the lord hath spoken to him } and said, "Tell your people to steal the valuable heart scarabs from } the tombs of your oppressors, lest I otherwise call you home." And when } the kings of Egypt learned of this, they were wrothful and did send } their soldiers. } } And as Moses led his people from Egypt, with the soldiers growing ever } closer, he beseeched the lord "Uhm, He whose name I dare not speak? You } listening? Errr.. some of those soldiers are getting kind of close you } know? I know the heart scarab thing fell through, but are you really } going to kill me? And all of your followers too? Can't you think } constructively for a change? Maybe we could do a little penance and you } could lay off a little, okay?" } } And Moses said unto the lord: "Vegetarian? What's that? You want } us to go without killing any animals for food?  Could we perhaps } just kill for snacks, but forgo meals? Geez, don't be so touchy. } What? I don't know what 'Geez' means, so don't ask me." } } And Moses said to the chosen people: "The Lord has said that we must } not eat meat, but only bread. He has also said that Moses as the leader } of the chosen people need not make his own bread but shall choose his } loaf from among all those made by the tribe. And he who made that loaf, } if he should surrender it gladly, will be blessed and viewed with } pleasure by our lord, at least until the poor schmuck does something } wrong that puts him back in the doghouse again. So get to work!" } } And the people set about making bread, and they had to be quick about } it, for the Egyptian soldiers were getting ever closer. The Egyptian } soldiers were slow, since they were constantly reciting rituals to make } sure that if they keeled over from heat prostration in the next five } minutes that their tonsils would not be stolen by the trickster demons. } Egyptian soldiers worried a lot about the afterlife and how they were } going to spend it. They could not afford the massive tombs, and it } seemed that every month the priests discovered some new hazard of the } afterlife which required some mantra or talisman to banish. And always } these things cost money. So the soldiers worried that if they didn't } walk fast enough they'd be cursed by the Pharaoh before they were put } to death for losing the Hebrew tomb thieves. And if they walked too } fast, they'd lose their breath and skip a beat of the ritual and risk } having their tonsils turned inside out during the afterlife. The } Egyptian soldiers recognized that Moses and his "chosen people" might } not appreciate the upcoming carnage, but the soldiers had problems of } their own. } } And there was a massive ka-WANG-o,  and all the bread withered as if it } were but wax in the ovens of the fleeing tribe. And Moses said unto } the lord, "What is it now?" "Sure, we're vegetarian now. We're not } hunting, we're making bread, see? Or at least we were until someone } decided to... No we're not killing anything. Yeast? What is a yeast? } You're kidding. Of course you're not kidding." } } And Moses announced, "The lord has decreed that this day we shall not } make leavened bread, but instead make bread that will not rise. This } bread we will call matzoh, and many centuries from now our descendants } will note with irony how many of the most gentile goyim use the stuff } as topping on their tunafish casseroles." } } To celebrate that day, at the seder one eats only the matzoh.  Never } leavened bread. If only the animal rights protesters set about trying } to save the yeast as the ancients did, the world might be a better } place. } } Since Moses and his tribe had lost precious time on the first batch of } bread, the Egyptians were mighty close by the time the crackers were } done. As the Jews (though they were not known as such then) sat atop } the dunes eating their matzoh, their was a far off clatter, a sudden } buzz as of angry bees, and suddenly half the tribe keeled over with } arrows sticking out of their respective torsos.  Moses yelled "Get } down!" and even though Moses did not speak with the word of the Lord at } this point, the people viewed his word as that of the lord, and they } ate reclining. } } To celebrate those that survived that day, at the seder one eats } reclining. Any similarity to happenings in Howard the Duck comics } purely coincedental. } } To make a long story short... uhm.  Too keep a long story from getting } totally out of hand, I'll summarize the next few bits. } } You eat horseradish together with applesauce because as the people got } sick of eating plain crackers with no meat, they started experimenting } with bizarre garnishes. The parsley dipped in saltwater helps kill off } gum disease and freshens breath all at the same time. The hunt for the } matzoh gets the kids out of the dining room for a couple of minutes so } that the adults can have some peace of mind. The purpose of the long, } boring Hebrew passages is to make you truly thankful when it finally } comes time to eat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh gracious Oracle, whose irresistibility is equaled only by his > immovability, please condescend to tell me, > > If an immovable object met an irresistible force, what would happen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Funny you should mention this ... the other day I was sitting around on } Mt. Olympus, and Bacchus and I were having a beer.  Now, one of the } less well known abilities of Bacchus is that of the irresistible belch, } though he doesn't like to make it public (I mean, would you?).  Well, } being a bit drunk that night, we decided to go cruising.  After feeding } a few 'ludes to Phaeton's horses to keep them from going bonkers, we, } uh, well, we spray-painted them black, and the chariot, too, to make } sure we didn't confuse everyone with an early sunrise -- and to look } way cool, too (the Oracle goods damn good in black leather, if he may } say so himself (and of course he may, don't be stupid (thank you, } me))). After donning some shades, we were off.  Well, we picked up a } few babes (just as a side note, a black chariot is a good tool for } picking up babes) and we decided, en masse, to go on a joyride.  Now, } for most purposes, you can take the planet Jupiter as a pretty } immovable object, right? Right.  Damn big, damn massive, generally a } planet to be reckoned with. Well, Bacchus and I had picked up a young } astrophysicist and a philsophy student, and they were going at it over } whether or not anyone could hear you scream in space, something to do } with physics versus metaphysics.  Well, the closer we got to Jupiter, } the more Bacchus kinda got the ideas of "in space, no one can hear you } scream" and "perfect acoustical wall" confused.  Being drunk, he } offered to test whether or not A.) if anyone can hear you *belch* in } space, and B.) whether that big ol' round thing down there really was } the ultimate surface to bounce a big one off of, forgetting about the } absence of air. As it turns out, yes, you *can* hear someone belch in } space, and yes, the planet Jupiter does work very, very well as a } sounding board -- but if and only if the belch/sound in question is a } special kind of belch, a metaphysical belch, one beyond the limitations } of mere atmosphere, one remarkably like the one Bacchus fired off. } Remember physics 100 back in freshman year?  Remember the section on } momentum, and that demo with the marble and the bowling ball?  The boys } at Nasa should put a harness on that man, really they should, 'cause } the net effect was that we caromed off Jupiter -- *ka-PWING!* -- and } ended up on Alpha Centuari II, because, as we forgot, while the belch } was irresistible, we were MUCH more movable than Jupiter.  I like Alpha } Centauri II, really I do, but it's the off season there now, and the } solar storms are just awful ... but it was a nice soft beach to use as } a brake, and I wasn't about to start steering at that point. } Unfortunately, Bacchus was kind of taken with his new way of hitting } warp speed, and we had to do this a few more times before he finally } let us aim ourselves at Earth -- I think we ended up in Pismo Beach. } After digging out a few ancient gold shekels for the babes to pawn at } the nearest museum for the plane fare back to Tacoma, and after } stripping the horses, we called it a night.  So, in answer to your } question, when an immovable object meets an irrestible force, a lot of } Californian museum officials get confused, you get a god or two pissed } at you, and you get a massive hangover. } } You owe the Oracle a beer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wonderous Oracle, who art badder than the baddest: > > Boom Boom chi Boom Boom Boom chi Boom Boom "Don't you ever/Pull my > lever . .  " Boom Boom . . .

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Congratulations!  You have earned your place in the annals of science. } You are the first known human victim of a computer virus. } } It has long been known that computational viri could be transmitted } aurally, but no one had hit upon the particular parameters which would } enable a virus to survive, multiply, and propagate in the human mind. } A clever hacker wove his latest experiment into that song, and you've } been infected.  It is interesting that a second successful virus was } recorded earlier this week, when a woman in upstate New York complained } that listening to Mary Hart's voice on TV caused nausea and } disorientation. } } The Oracle advises you to do your best to avoid singing the song chi } Boom, lest you infect other innocent Boom Boom chi Boom parties ... oh, } shit ... Boom chi Boom. } } You owe the Oracle chi Boom two aspirin and a pair of ear plugs.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                               _                          _ >   ___     __ _ _ __ ___  __ _| |_    ___  _ __ __ _  ___| | ___ >  / _ \   / _` | '__/ __|/ _` | __|  / _ \| '__/ _` |/ __| |/ __| > | |_| | | |_| | | |  __| |_| | |_  | |_| | | | |_| | |__| |  __| >  \___/   \__, |_|  \___|\__,_|\__|  \___/|_|  \__,_|\___|_|\___| >          |___/ >           _ >  _      _| |__  _   _    __ _ _ __ ___   _ __ ___  _   _ > \ \ /\ / / '_ \| | | |  / _` | '__/ __| | '_ ` _ \| | | | >  \ V  V /| | | | |_| | | |_| | | |  __| | | | | | | |_| | >   \_/\_/ |_| |_|\__, |  \__,_|_|  \___| |_| |_| |_|\__, | >                 |___/                              |___/ >       _                          _ >   ___| |__   __ _ _ __ __ _  ___| |_  ___ _ __ ___ >  / __| '_ \ / _` | '__/ _` |/ __| __|/ __| '__/ __| > | |__| | | | |_| | | | |_| | |__| |_|  __| |  \__ \ >  \___|_| |_|\__,_|_|  \__,_|\___|\__|\___|_|  |___/ >              _     _ >  ___  ___   | |__ |_| __ _ > / __|/ _ \  | '_ \| |/ _` | > \__ \ |_| | | |_| | | |_| | > |___/\___/  |_.__/|_|\__, | >                      |___/

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 'ey? What's that? Speak up, boy. The Oracle is advancing in years and } going a bit deaf.... } } Big chracters, you say? Your character's aren't so big. Now take } Shakespeare's Brutus! He was a big character. Or Captain Ahab in } "Moby Dick", now there was a big character. It will take you years } of practice befaore you can write such big characters. } } You owe the Oracle the destruction of your first novel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose sight is so penetrating that even lead can not stop > it, and to whom kryptonite is no big deal, please answer me this.  Why > does Stravinsky (pronounced with a "w") sound like noise to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously you have been listening to THE RITE OF SPRING. } Everyone who listens to that thinks Stravinsky sounds } like noise. This is for several reasons: } } 1) The Rite of Spring is about a young girl dancing }    and dancing and dancing until she collapses, }    presumably dead. The music is intended to convey }    the full horror of such a scene. } } 2) (possibly from your point of view) it was not }    written by Bach, Mozart, Pachelbel, Telemann, or }    sundry other classical composers whose works are }    generally thought to sound "nice." } } 3) You may have been listening to it on an IBM PC }    not equipped with a sound card, in which case }    anything would sound like noise. } } 4) Ry Cooder is not known to have ever recorded any }    of Stravinsky's works :-) } } 5) Stravinsky is vastly overrated. } } Still, if you think that was bad, you ought to try } John Cage on for size. Now that's noise. } } You owe the Oracle the 3 CD boxed set of the Layla } sessions...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose incredibleness leaves me at a loss for words to > adequately describe it, why does time seem to go faster when the radio > is on?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [The sound of clapping and cheering.  Hooray!  Whistle.  Bang.  Thud.] } } Announcer:  Welcome boys and girls to Mr. Science, where we will answer } all of your science questions!  (Cheer.)  Today we have a special } guest, Mr. Oracle!  (Polite clapping)  Mr. Science is, er, umm, sick } today, and he won't be here.  Sooory boys and girls.  (Awwwww.)  Now } over to you, Mr. Oracle! } } [The camera swings wildly over to focus on a glowing terminal.] } } Big O:  Gee, thanks chuck.  I am a BIG fan of this show, and this is an } extra special treat for me.  (Puke.)  So let's have the first } question.  How about the little girl there, wearing the pink dress, } pink shoes, pink socks, and pink gloves.  Yes you.  No, not you, you. } That's right, you.  You.  YOU!  Hmmm.  Let's try the little boy and in } cowboy hat. } } Boy 1:  Oh boy!  I have a hard question!  Why do birds land on the } ground?  Who don't they just fly all of the time? } } Boy 2 (quietly):  Hey, they come down because you shoot them with } your rifle.  (Snicker.) } } Big O:  Hey!  Let's have none of that.  It's a fair question with an } easy answer.  The Earth sucks, and birds get tired of fighting the } pull. } } Little pink girl (mumbling):  I have a question. } } Big O:  What was that, little girl? } } [The little girl is startled and shuts up.] } } Big O:  What?  What?  Oh, never mind.  Let's try the little boy with } the broken arm and the bad bruises.  What's your question? } } Boy 3:  Can you see the future? } } Big O:  Yes. } } Boy 3:  What will be the price of all of the blue chip stocks exactly } 30 days from now? } } Big O:  Now, you know that I can't reveal that sort of information. } Causality would grind me to a pulp before I got the first word out.  I } am good friends with Causality, and I don't want to force him to do } that. } } Boy 2 (quietly):  Good one, slick! } } [A huge lightning bolt shoots down from the sky and turns Boy 2 into a } small cinder.] } } Big O:  I hate smartass kids. } } Little pink girl (mumbling):  I have a question. } } Big O:  Ah ha!  I was listening that time.  What is your question? } } Little girl (mumbling):  Never mind. } } Big O:  No, I insist.  Tell me your question...  Now...  Right now... } TELL ME YOUR QUESTION OR I WILL TURN YOU INTO A WORM! } } Little girl:  You don't have to get your panties in a snarl!  Why does } time seem to go faster when the radio is on? } } Big O:  Easy.  The radio has a tiny little man inside, and he makes } all of the noises in a tiny sound studio.  He is very busy, so he } pulls extra time out of the surrounding area to help him get his work } done.  Time goes faster for you because there is less of it to go } around. } } Announcer:  OK kids.  That's all we have time for today!  Let's give } My Oracle a big hand.  (Polite clapping.)  Come back next week when we } will ask questions about the things that your mother keeps in the } bathroom!  (Cheer.)  See you then! } } [Dippy theme music.  Clapping.  Switch to commercial.] } } You owe the Oracle a guest appearance on a classier game show.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O worthy, wise, wonderful, witty, and compassionate Oracle: > >       If IBM and Apple get married, what will they call the child?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DL: Do we have time to do the top ten now?  We do, okay.  Our top ten }     tonight, here from the home office of Mount Parnassus in Europe- } PS: Mount Parnassus, Dave?  I thought the home office was in Leba- } DL: Yeah, Paul usually it is, but tonight, ah tonight we got the Oracle }     to come up with our top ten list.  If that's okay with you. I mean, }     if you want we could ask it "O Oracle, do we have to use your }     stupid top ten on the show?"  But then it would just answer YES. }     So then we'd still have to use this top ten.  And then we'd owe }     the Oracle something because he'd answered a question of mine. } PS: He wouldn't ask to come on the show again, would he?  Or it, I }     guess... DL: Man, I hope not. I mean, it's all very well having }     this omniscient being on, but he never takes the conversation }     anywhere, just answers questions.  What's that Morty?  Are we low }     on time?  Okaaay.  Here without further ado, It's the top ten for }     tonight.  The subject for tonight: If IBM and Apple get married, }     what will they call the child? } PS: So the subject is: <pause>  If IBM- the big bluester <pause> } DL: Thank you Paul, but we're short on time. }     #10. An Amiga that developers will write software for }     Sir?  Oh, sir.  Hey, one of our audience members just got up and }     left. Those damn Commodore owners.  They're so _sensitive_. Anyhow, }     #9. C:MAD (short for Clone Me And Die) }     I can here the lawyers coming to get us already. }     #8. The Apple/2 }     #7. BillKiller }     #6. Jessica (just because it seems like a nice name) }     #5. BigBlauPinkt }     #4. [Name Omitted to avoid potentail Look-And-Feel disputes] }     Now you see Paul, no one is laughing at these.  You know why Paul? } PS: Why is that Dave? } DL: Because all the jokes in here are very specific to the computer }     industry.  No one in our audience understands the background of }     these jokes.  Let's take a quick poll here.  How many of you read }     BYTE? <half of audience raises their hands> }     Well, maybe there's some other reason. }     #3. International Business Macintoshes }     #2. 68086SEX }     <audience chuckles> }     #1. Yours for $30,000 }     <Dave tosses card.  Band starts playing.> } } You owe the Oracle some better joke writers.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "yo, eddie, check this out!" }     "huh?" } "lookit the blank screen!  we can put anything we want here!" }     "so?" } "come on! don't you have any cretinivity?" }     "huh?" } "i mean creativity.  you see something blank, you fill it in with } something interesting.  that's what being an artist is all about" }     "i'm not an artist.  i think it looks good blank." } "i can tell!  but i aspire to beauty, poetry, symmetry, regularity, and } cheap puns.  i gotta put something on that blank screen." }     "so put something there. who's stopping you?" } "the least you could do is be encouraging.  let's see, it looks like } this guy was trying to write to the Oracle.  maybe we should make up a } question for him." }     "what's the Oracle?" } "the Oracle is this really cool entity that like, knows everything and } answers people's questions." }     "knows EVERYTHING?" } "the Oracle says it knows everything.  and it must be true, because the } Oracle wouldn't lie about a thing like that." }     "but like, you mean, like EVERYTHING?  like what we ate for }      breakfast this morning?  like what that fuzzy stuff is that's }      always hanging onto Suzy Lister's clothing?  like who broke old }      man Martin's living room window with a stray ball the other night? } "i think that's part of EVERYTHING, and the Oracle probably knows it. } whether the Oracle cares about it is another matter.  usually the only } things it cares about is getting laid and getting high." }     "what else does anyone care about?" } "you got no imagination whatsoever.  come on, let's think of a } question" }     "let's ask it about the fuzzy stuff on Suzy's blouse." } "who cares?  the Oracle is a busy deity, you should only ask important } questions." }     "that is an important question!  i really want to know!" } "no, an important question would be something like 'When will the world } end?' or 'what's gonna happen to the environment with all those burning } oil wells in Kuwait?' or 'why do municipal parking garages look so } ugly?'" }     "i really see the difference.  so why don't you ask one of those?" } "well, they're like, too conventional.  the Oracle probably } gets a hundred questions a day about municipal parking alone.  when you } ask the Oracle a question, if you want a response, i mean a good } response, it's got to be a good question.  that's what probably } happened to this guy with a blank screen.  he began thinking about the } question and couldn't think of something good, so he just gave up and } hit the SEND key." }     "well i'm getting really sick of this.  type something in on this } guy's screen and let's get out of here." } "ok, let's see....   i got it!" } } You owe the Oracle the rest of this story.