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Internet Oracularities #33

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33, 33-01, 33-02, 33-03, 33-04, 33-05, 33-06, 33-07, 33-08, 33-09, 33-10


Usenet Oracularities #33
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 27 Oct 89 00:45:57 GMT

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33-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Last night I drempt that I was eating a real big marshmellow, and when
> I woke up, my pillow was gone.  What does this mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that you are dreaming very old jokes.


33-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mister Oracle Sir, so Please Your Greatness:
>
> The MammoGram Man came to my door last night.  He said he
> had a "special suprize" for me, but I was scared.  He comes
> every night now... what should I do?  And what are his shoes like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should purchase an ion detoxifier at the nearest K-Mart.  The next
} time he comes to your door, give him the ion detoxifier and speak the
} words of magic:  "Oy Veh, what do you mean by this!  Begorrah, but you,
} sir, are a dipshit!  Be off, or I'll set the police on you as quick as a
} flash!  Gawrsh!" He will trouble you no more.
}
} His shoes are like cockroaches.  Not very nice.


33-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Am I a drunken dwarf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you are not a drunken dwarf.  You are an Andrea Dworkin Dunk.
}
} You owe the Oracle your testicles.


33-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a "gemshorn"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PASSWORD ACCEPTED...
}
} WELCOME TO NORAD: Would you like to play a game?


33-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do Oracles eat?  If so, what do they prefer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracles do most certainly eat. In fact, they eat oracular amounts.
} I can't speak for all Oracles, but most seem to have a preference
} for Jolt*, Snickers*, and the occasional Twinkie*.
}
} *Oracles don't need trademarks.


33-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all of Your responses to other peoples' questions (as
> posted in rec.humor) seem funny, but when I sent You a humorous
> question, I got a response that looked like it had been dictated to a
> bored scribe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fortunate mortal, you have finally reached the One and Only, True
} Oracle.  Your previous questions were intercepted by my arch-enemy, the
} anti-Oracle.  He attempts to discredit me by responding with terminally
} boring answers so as to discourage further questions from my faithfull
} followers.  As I am the one who controls the postings in rec.humor [not
} really -sk], only my incredibly humorous (and true) answers are shown.
} There is a procedure you must follow if you wish all you questions to
} reach me.  You must recite the pledge of allegiance backwards, while
} dancing around a burning american flag.  This will foil the
} anti-Oracle's attempts to divert your mail from it's true destination.
} (By the way, if you haven't guessed, the anti-Oracle is in fact George
} Bush.  He used his techniques of mail diversion to intercept votes and
} thereby fix the election.  On the next election, you should use the same
} incantations to make sure that your vote doesn't get changed by this
} insidious monster.)


33-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that the turn-signals a car are never in synch with the
> turn-signals on any other car?  They always have different intervals and
> go in and out of phase with each other.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What seems like an accident often turns out to be devilishly clever
} design!  Consider that while you are driving your car and in motion, you
} perceive only the turn signal of the vehicle in front of you.  This is
} Good because your mind is not diverted from the daunting task of
} piloting your car.
}
} On the other hand, when you are stopped waiting for a traffic light and
} desperately wishing that you had remembered to bring some light reading
} along, there are *several* turn signals visible to you, each with its
} own individual periodicity.  In addition, you can hear your own turn
} signals.  I'll wager that you often catch yourself playing little games
} observing the beat frequencies of all these slightly out of phase
} signals.  Don't worry:  these games are perfectly normal and help to
} relax you, much like a light massage of your temples.
}
} Were it not for the relaxation afforded by asynchronous turn signals,
} your mind would probably be boiling over in anger over the fact that you
} are stopped at the traffic light by a mere convention.  Consider it!
} You have been brainwashed, brainwashed by the STATE, to respond to
} colored light signals.  Pretty soon someone's going to come around with
} a flashlight and make you bark like a dog.


33-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Aren't there any cute females *anywhere* that think programmers
> are sexy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly mortal!  Of course there are.  However, they are not native to
} your puny, backwater, orbit-around-a-second-rate-sun planet.
}
} You see, insignificant gnat, all programmers eventually recite one or
} more lines of their programs out loud, followed by curses.  Little do
} they know, but 99% of these utterances match syllable-to-syllable with a
} Phrase from the Mystic Order of the Shining Oak Leaf Druid Society's
} Book of Intimate Curses, Hexes, and Horrible Fortunes and Fates.  These
} incantations render the person three chairs to the west of the invoker
} completely and irrevocably un-appealing to members of the appropriate
} sex, except for the ones decendant from a group of Amazon-like beings
} from a star so far off that its light has not yet reached your mud-hole
} of a world (The interactions between these aliens and The Mystic Order
} is long and torrid and not fit reading for any being of less than
} Oracular prowess).  Since the person three chairs to the left of the
} invoker is ALWAYS another programmer (if your piddling physicists would
} just realize this, the Grand Unified Theorem would fall neatly into
} place), no programmer is considered sexy by any fellow human, cute or
} otherwise.
}
} You owe the Oracle 5 bales of poison ivy (hand picked).


33-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bambi is a girl's name, right?  So why did Disney call a MALE deer Bambi
> in its classic cartoon (now available on videocassette)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The usage of the feminine name Bambi is meant to forshadow Bambi's
} future transvestite tendencies.  As Bambi grows up, he discovers Boy
} George as a role model and attempts to dress exactly like him(?).  This
} part of Bambi's life is not shown in the Disney movie that was released
} to the public as it was deemed unsuitable for general audiences.  If you
} are interested in seeing Bambi in drag, you can get a copy of the video
} from you local video store by asking for 'the other Bambi movie'.  If
} that doesn't get any response, try 'you know, the x-rated one'.  By this
} time you should have gotten your point across and will either have a
} copy of the movie or have been thrown out of the store.  If the latter
} happens to be the case, try again at a less reputable video store.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Bambi corpse.


33-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is there so much garbage in talk.bizarre?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Long, long ago, around the time of the founding of Netnews, there
} existed a newsgroup net.garbage, for that very purpose.  Over time,
} and across changes in the newsgroup naming conventions (such as the
} introduction of talk.* groups), the Powers That Be renamed it several
} times in hopes of attracting more subscribers, who had usually given
} up on the group soon after starting to read it.  It went from
} net.garbage to net.bagegar to talk.bizhgar to talk.bizarre.
} So you see, its original purpose lives on.


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