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Internet Oracularities #330

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Usenet Oracularities #330    (11 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 26 Jul 91 00:58:25 -0500

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330   11 votes 16301 36200 13520 13241 32420 01451 02531 10523 11234 14150
330   3.0 mean  2.5   1.9   2.7   3.1   2.5   3.5   3.3   3.5   3.7   2.9


330-01    (16301 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most kind and wonderous one, who does allow his servants air
> conditioning in the springtime and wet towels all summer, please
> enlighten me. Why do they think that the terminals will be damaged more
> by opening the windows to let in the 70 degree weather than by leaving
> them shut to hold in the 85 degrees inside?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         I hate to tell you this, but they don't. This rule is a
} joint effort of two factions: the computer operators, who want
} better machines than the obscelete shit you have; and the
} administration bureaucrats, who hate computers. Both sides
} therefore want the machines to die. The solution to your problem
} is to kill all of the bureaucrats where you are, and get new
} state of the art equipment in decent facilities.
}         Actually, why don't you just kill all of the bureaucrats?
} That way you don't need to think about if they are where you are
} or not.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE framed pictures of Thomas Jefferson
} and Adam Selene; an update on the whereabouts of Kelvin Throop;
} and one bloody revolution.


330-02    (36200 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it really possible to play Twister with Death?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, like, though that is ya know, like, usually one of thuh
} options of Twister that isn't played with (the death penalty).
} Seriously, man, if you can manage to die and become a spirit so that
} you get a chance to actually hold a contest with Death (assumin' he
} still does this in lieu of all his highly publicized defeats), fer
} shure, the odds are pretty bitchin' that you are not goin' to win.
} Sure it is like wow! possible, fer shure, but thuh odds are about as
} bitchin' as keepin' Bill & Ted from playin' the air guitar for 30
} minutes straight (while they're awake).
}
} You owe thuh Oracle a Parcheesi set.


330-03    (13520 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will I ever get published?
>
> Ohh yeah.... Ohh great and mighty Oracle,
> who's stamina outlasts Lisa,
> and even the strongest of her pets.
> <this line intentionally left mispelled>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, let's see ...
}
} <much consulting of non-dusty and, in fact, non-written future history
} books later>
} ....
}
} <a bit more consulting, 'cause there's a lot of future>
}
} ... ah yes, here we are:
}
} Publishing sensation of the year was, however, A. Dweeb with his book
} "Great and Mighty Oracle".  This publication took the literary world by
} storm when everyone realised it was the first work of fiction with NO
} PLOT WHATSOEVER.  Dweeb managed to introduce new characters with nearly
} every paragraph, and forget about them by the end of the same
} paragraph. A sample extract follows:
}
}       John wondered about the affair between Susan and Hector, and
}       wondered what he should do about it.  The elephant took hold
}       of the cucumber sandwich and, very deliberately, threw it at
}       the dartboard, and the Bulgarian retired to bed.
}
} (None of these characters was ever mentioned again, although the
} cucumber sandwich was mentioned in a footnote several hundred pages
} later). The closest the story ever came to having a plot was:
}
}       "Oh Sharon"
}       "Oh Lawrence"
}       "Oh Sharon"
}       "Oh Lawrence"
}
} ... and so on for seven pages, until a sixteen-ton weight fell upon
} Lawrence's left knee.
}
} You owe the Oracle the promise that you will write this book, otherwise
} things start to get very confused ...


330-04    (13241 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose mightiness is too worthy to be described by impertinent
> mortals such as myself (so I will not try) please answer the following
> question: How come nobody uses the really serious swear words on the
> Oracularities? I mean, you see "hell" and "damn" a lot, but none of the
> realy (Sorry, that's "really," and I am using a VMS system for the
> summer, and haven't bothered to do all the crap that you have to do to
> run rmail on this system, so I am using their stupid line-based editor
> and CAN'T go back a line after I have hit return, which means a lot of
> errors at the ends of lines for me).
>
> Anyway.
>
> For example, right now I am saying "fuckin' VMS" to myself -- I use
> Unix during the winter, really -- and I am thinking how VMS would feel
> if it had a huge pole rammed right up its collective ass.  Now, such
> imagery is sorely lacking in the Oracularities.  Not that I REALLY
> favor images of poles going up the asses of DEC Minis, but if they're
> going to go anywhere ...  anyway.
>
> This no swears thing, though, it bothers me.  How come no one says
> "fuck" in the Oracularities? I mean, Van Halen just came out with an
> album called "fuck." (It's actually "F.U.C.K.", and spells out to For
> Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, in case you haven't watched TV or listened
> to the radio for a while, say, three months.  But, I mean really.  The
> only excuse you would have not to watch TV or listen to the radio is
> all that giggling and crap with Lisa that we have to read three or four
> times a week.  Now that giggling, I am assuming, is developing into
> some pretty serious fucking after the curtain drops, right? I mean,
> waterbeds, feathers, jello, handcuffs, the odd chain saw or two, THAT
> kind of thing.
>
> Now, it is a conclusively proven fact that anyone who has spent long
> enough on this planet to figure out the Internet enough to send you
> mail has been subjected to by the popular media, at minimum, 3,747
> images of people fucking, or about to fuck with clear intent to fuck,
> or immediately after fucking with naked (as it were) references to the
> act of fucking just past.
>
> That's an awful lot of fucking.
>
> But think about this: there are over 500 people born each minute,
> worldwide.  Since it takes an average of forty fucks to produce a
> child, even with no birth control, and since over 85% of the couples in
> the developed world use birth control of some sort (40% in the
> undeveloped world, but climbing) when you count in all the fucks of
> pregnant women, not to mention multiple fucks and unsucessful fucks,
> that's over 700,000 fucks EVERY MINUTE.
>
> And that doesn't even BEGIN to count all those blow jobs and assorted
> nofertilizing positions.  In other worlds, of the 3 billion people on
> this globe, about 1.2 billion fuck in any given day.  So I have to ask,
> O Oracle.  (and what about that capital O, huh?) Why is there no use of
> the word "fuck" in the Oracularities, not to mention in all the answers
> I have received? Hmmmmmmmm?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's an awful lot of typing. I hope it's a good substitute.


330-05    (32420 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most Beloved and Powerful One whom I kneel before in admiration and
> terror, if you can find it in your heart to answer a small question
> from one of your weak and pitiful servants, please enlighten me:  has
> the orbit of Earth (the mortal inhabitants which, incidentally, pale in
> comparison to you, Oh Mighty One) truly been measured to the
> split-second, or the whole concept of "leap days" and "leap minutes" a
> cruel hoax conjured up late one night by some drunken astronomer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, you see it all started around the time when astronomers weren't
} much respected... wait.. that hasn't happened yet in your time frame.
}
} But even before your current time where astronomers and astrologers are
} always getting confused, astronomers were looked upon as a bunch of
} dreamy wierdos who were only interested in looking at the sky.  Sure...
} they said that they could see things like Jupiter and stuff, but no one
} thought that telescopes were much more than a complicated slide
} projector.
}
} Early in your century Volf I. Lentil gathered the astronomers of the
} world together at the First Congress of Social Outcasts, later renamed
} to simply the First International.  The members of the congress were
} split into factions, some, the Bullsheviks, favored running a big scam
} on the word, the others, Mushiviks, were much more concilliatory and
} wanted to make amends with the world, especially the North.  Lentil, a
} Bullshevik managed to gather a small majority and the congress voted in
} favor of coming up with a cruel hoax.  The Bullsheviks briefly
} entertained using the word "Bolshevik" to represent their faction, but
} when they realized it was a Russian word, meaning "those in the
} majority," they felt it undermined the fact that they were the
} discriminated-against minority.
}
} The Congress broke into more factions over what kind of hoax to play on
} the world:
}
} The Sunsheviks advocated telling the world that the planet was going to
} hit the sun.  That idea was quickly shot down but a rousing speech by
} Lentil, where he proved the total stupidity of that view, quoting
} authorities such as Merenge and Earwax (Famous Lichteinsteinian
} astrologers/astronomers).
}
} The Centrists hoped for a united Astronomer's Party that supported the
} notion that New York was really the center of the universe.  A lot of
} squabbling broke over New York vs. Paris vs. Moscow vs. Prague vs.
} Rangoon, etc.
}
} Lentil couldn't take this, and in yet another rousing speech he cried:
} "astronomers of the world unite!  you have nothing to lose but your...
} you have nothing to lose!"
}
} Lentil came up with the brilliant plan to establish a leap-year system
} in order to convince the population of the legitimacy of the
} astronomers (while at the same time hosing on them) as well as
} confusing the small part of the population born on that unfortunate
} date.  Are they 4?  or 16?   If the legal driving age is 16 when do
} they get to drive?  The implications are/were amazing.
}
} The congress sat stunned for a whole two days.  The idea was obviously
} brilliant.  On the third day, the idea was ratified, and the congress
} set themselves to the task of convincing the world.  In the 1930s the
} main astronomer to do this (he took over Lentil's position after a
} bizarre observatory accident in 1924) was Stalling.  Stalling succeded
} in blocking many reputable astronomers from revealing this untruth.  He
} died in 1953 as a hero to the astronomer's union, remembers as saying,
} "Onward to the victory of Confusion!!"
}
} This is how the leap year came about.
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Sexual-position-a-day" calendar.


330-06    (01451 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We have millions of dollars waiting for you!  Yes, Mr. Oracle could be
> the winner of our fantastic Home Publishers Sweepstakes.
>
> You along with.
>    F. String Quartet
>    Mrs. Edith Colmonger
>    Jake McBeth
>    Kiewitt Computer Center
>
> could be the winner of millions!  Send in your subscriptions today!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [It is a huge mansion sitting on a high cloud.  Thick network and
} power cables can be seen in every window.  A crowd has gathered around
} the front door.  There are several TV crews and reporters.  An
} expectant buzz fills the ether.  Ed McMann is in front of the crowd
} with a huge check.  He rings the doorbell.]
}
} McMann:  Hello?  Mr. Oracle?  Are you home?
}
} The O (from out of a window):  What?  Oh, bring it around back.  The
} gardener will plant it in the morning...
}
} M:  Huh?  No.  We are from Home Publishers Sweepstakes.
}
} O:  I am not trying to sell my castle.  Why would I want to publish?
}
} M:  You don't seem to understand.  We are here to award you the grand
} prize.  Please come down here to accept it.
}
} O:  Prize...  prize...  I don't have time for a prize.
}
} [The sound of the Oracle coming down his stairs is heard.  From the
} noise, it seems that he is not too coordinated this morning.  The door
} opens to reveal bloodshot eyes and an inside-out robe.]
}
} O:  What do you want...  Let's make this brief and painless.
}
} M:  Uh, yeah.  Here is your check from Home Publishers Sweepstakes.
} Please hold it up so that the reporters can take pictures.
}
} O:  Wait a sec.  I can't read too well this morning.  How much is this
} check for?
}
} M:  10 millllllion dollars.
}
} O:  Oh.  Is that all?  I left Lisa in bed for this?
}
} M:  What do mean?!?  That's a lot of money!
}
} O:  Right.  Listen closely.  I am the Oracle.  I know the past,
} present, and future.  The money I make on stock speculation every week
} would would buy your silly Home Publishers whatever.  I own so much
} gold that I could build a mansion out of it.  I have a diamond so
} large that it would break your finger if you wore it.  I am
} fabulously, ridiculously, grotesquely rich.  I blow this kind of money
} every few days on video games.  Now go away.
}
} [The door slams shut.  Ed wanders off cursing.  Someone in the crowd
} snickers.]
}
} You owe the Oracle some REAL money.


330-07    (02531 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                               So what's your point?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      ___________
}     |           |
}     |  O        |
}     |           |
}     |        O  |
}     |           |           ___________
}     `-----------'          |           |
}                            |  O     O  |
}                            |           |
}                            |  O     O  |
}                            `-----------'
}
} Six.  Pay up.


330-08    (10523 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful Oracle,
> All-knowing, All-seeing, All-hyphenated Oracle,
> Answer me this:
> Is there life on earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, hundreds of years ago there used to be life on Earth, but now it
} is just a wasteland.  It all started in the year 1992, when the United
} States re-elected George Bush to the White House.  Unfortunately, due
} to a typographical error, Bush's name was switched with his
} running-mate on the electorial college ballots, and months later, Dan
} Quayle was sworn in as commander in chief.  This caused considerable
} panic amongst the world, and as a result, the space colonialization
} program began in earnest.  Within a year, seven million people had
} departed for Mars. As it turned out however, Quayle proved to be the
} worlds greatest leader.  By the end of his third year, he had wiped out
} world hunger, homelessness, the drug problem, and the threat of atomic
} weapons.  As Quayle himself said while accepting his third Nobel Peace
} Prize in 1996, 'Who knew?' (this was accompanied by his how famous
} shrugged shoulders gesture).
}
} Problems in space, however, were worsening.  Among the seven million
} colonists were five million engineers, 1.7 million computer experts,
} 52,000 politicians, 52,000 assorted swimsuit models and porn film
} stars, 81,000 'top level' executives, 34,000 men and women of god (all
} religions), Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker,  10,100 interior designers, 17
} painters and wall-paperers, 30,000 lawyers (these were used as ballast,
} and due to a serious design flaw, food and air wasn't available to them
} during the eighteen month spaceflight), 38,000 doctors and nurses,
} 2,880 cooks and chefs, and one janitor.  Needless to say, the place was
} a mess (literally).  They soon learned the folly of leaving Earth so
} unprepared, and decided that the only course of action was to go back.
} This they planned to do, as soon as they could find the spaccraft keys
} in all the mess.  These people are our ancestors.
}
} Meanwhile, back on Earth, Quayle was running out of things to do.  He
} stabalized international finance, saved the ozone layer, brought the
} passenger pigeon back from extinction, found Noah's Ark, went over
} Niagra Falls in an innertube, starred with Arnold Schwarzenegger in
} Terminator 7: Jason Lives, and found a cure for Cancer, AIDS, and the
} common cold.  His popularity was incredibly high (except with the
} Democrats, who claimed he was 'just getting lucky.').  This greatly
} annoyed the three surviving presidents on Earth, Ford, Carter, and Bush
} (Nixon revealed the fact that he really was a space alien in 1993, and
} Reagan left for Mars, along with his new wife, Traci Lords) who formed
} the evil triumvernate.  These three plotted to kill Quayle, and on his
} African expidition to find Elvis, they ambushed his camp, and noogied
} him to death.
}
} The entire world went into mourning, and decided to erect an 'eternal
} flame' to his memory.  Thousands of designs were considered, and the
} eventual winner was six year old Billy Thornhill who suggested that
} 'we use the sun as the eternal flame.'  As usual with governmental
} projects, the idea got out of hand.  A large holder was constructed in
} Quayle's home state of Indiana, and the Earth was slowly moved closer
} to the sun, until someone realized that maybe this wasn't such a good
} idea after all.  But by then it was too late, and within a few weeks,
} the oceans dried up, and the Earth became the barren wasteland it is
} today, incapable of supporting life.
}
} You owe the Oracle some 2000000 SPF sunblock


330-09    (11234 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
>  2. I can't unclasp my hands.
>  3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
>  4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
>  5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
>  6. I often mistake my hands for food.
>  7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
>  8. I never liked room temperature.
>  9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
> 10. My throat is closer than it seems.
> 11. I can smell my nose hairs.
> 12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
> 13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
> 14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
> 15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
> 16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
> 17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
> 18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
> 19. My best friend is a social worker.
> 20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
> 21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
> 22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
> 23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
> 24. I walk this way because I have to.
> 25. Walls impede my progress.
> 26. I can't find all my marmots.
> 27. There's only one thing for me.
> 28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
> 29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
> 30. My toes are numbered.
> 31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
> 32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
> 33. My beaver won't go near the water.
> 34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
> 35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
> 36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
> 37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
>
> What's wrong with me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see.
}
}   1. People tell me one thing one day and out the other.
}       You rely too much on others for baseball results.
}   2. I can't unclasp my hands.
}       You are arthritic.
}   3. I can wear my shirts as pants.
}       You have no guts.
}   4. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I do today.
}       Your syntax is as self-referential as your syntax.
}   5. I always lick the fronts of postage stamps.
}       You want to french kiss dead presidents.
}   6. I often mistake my hands for food.
}       You have a weakness for finger food.
}   7. I'd rather eat soap than little stones.
}       You don't eat enough roughage.
}   8. I never liked room temperature.
}       You prefer restaurants with no ambiance.
}   9. I line my pockets with hot cheese.
}       I prefer my pita sandwiches with cold feta, but tastes differ.
}  10. My throat is closer than it seems.
}       You never stick your neck out.
}  11. I can smell my nose hairs.
}       You need to stop snorting garlic paste.
}  12. I'm being followed by a pair of boxer shorts.
}       Stop taping your underwear to your bum; try putting your legs
}       through the holes instead.
}  13. Most things are better eaten than forgotten.
}       You suffer from chronic indigestion.
}  14. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites.
}       You are not discriminating in your tastes.
}  15. Pudding without raisins is no pudding at all.
}       You are highly susceptible to ad campaigns featuring Motown
}       songs.
}  16. My patio is covered with a killer frost.
}       It's better than that astroturf carpeting.
}  17. I've lost all sensation in my shirt.
}       You have no fashion sense.
}  18. I try to swallow at least three times a day.
}       You find daily life difficult to swallow.
}  19. My best friend is a social worker.
}       You spend too much time hanging out with riffraff.
}  20. I've always known when to close my eyes.
}       You're no fun to take to horror movies.
}  21. My squirrels don't know where I am tonight.
}       No, but they guessed you'd gopher a couple of drinks, then the
}       bartender would rat on you, and when you came home they'd grab
}       you by the hare and ferret the truth out of you, you weasel.
}  22. Little can be said for Luxembourg.
}
}  23. No napkin is sanitary enough for me.
}       You had waffles for breakfast yesterday.
}  24. I walk this way because I have to.
}       You tie your shoelaces together.
}  25. Walls impede my progress.
}       You have not yet mastered short-range teleportation.
}  26. I can't find all my marmots.
}       You never remember to check under the sink.
}  27. There's only one thing for me.
}       Christmas is never a happy time for you.
}  28. My uncle is as stupid as paste.
}       You underestimate the intelligence of paste.
}  29. I can pet animals by the mouthful.
}       Those aren't animals, they're bacteria. Try brushing your teeth
}       from time to time.
}  30. My toes are numbered.
}       Pummice soap and hot water should take the paint off.
}  31. Man's reach should exceed his overbite.
}       So we're a little sensitive about our teeth, eh, Bucky?
}  32. People tell me when I'm deaf.
}       You believe everything you hear.
}  33. My beaver won't go near the water.
}       You have so dam many phobias, they're rubbing off on your pets.
}  34. I can find my ears, but I have to look.
}       You have an unhealthy obsession with van Gogh.
}  35. I'd rather go to work than sit outside.
}       Your job as a lifeguard isn't challenging enough for you.
}  36. Armenians are comical in full battle dress.
}       You enjoy your self-image as a young Turk.
}  37. I don't like any of my loved ones.
}       Well...that's common enough.
}
} Overall, I'd have to say I wouldn't fix you up with one of my friends,
} but then there's nothing really wrong with you that a handfull of
} Thorazine a day wouldn't cure.
}
} You owe the Oracle the complete 21 volume set of "Luxembourg: Land of
} Fascination."


330-10    (14150 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why birds don't fly upside down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been noted by many historians of nature that both
} birds and mammals evolved at the same sort of time, that
} is when dinosaurs were dying out.
}
} It is therefore true that birds and mammals were, and
} have been ever since, competitors for supremacy in the
} battle to be "king order" on the planet.
}
} Now you may think, and it doesn't seem, on the face of
} it, too much of an unreasonable assumption, that the
} mammals have done fairly well in this competition, what
} with cats eating birds, bull terriers giving budgies
} heart attacks in their cages, humans flying along in
} 747s sucking birds into the engines, chicken and turkey
} being human (and cat) menu item number 1 in the holiday
} season, duck shooting, etc etc etc
}
} However, birds do have one significant advantage in this
} ongoing power struggle. And it came as a result of one
} clever bird, flying along one day spiralling through
} all sorts of orientations as birds once did as habit,
} realizing that (1) if he stuck to one orientation during
} flight then he would be a lot less dizzy, and (2) this
} meant he could see where he was going.
}
} This bird went on to present a paper at the next major
} bird conference on safety in flying and for his efforts
} he recieved the title "Emeritus Professor of Flight" at
} the local bird university.
}
} There remained, however, after it had been decided that
} a fixed orientation was a good idea, the question of
} what that orientation should be. Many researchers lost
} their lives testing different orientations, like the
} poor sparrow that flew backwards and upside down into the
} mouth of a leopard, and the hummingbird that flew feet
} first into a ruptured rubber plant, remained stuck and
} starved to death. Finally the original research bird who
} had started the whole fuss presented a paper on the
} offensive potential of different orientations of flight.
}
} And this was how the current orientation (which you would
} call right side up) was decided upon. It was obvious to
} all that this has the single greatest offensive potential
} in terms of pure HUMILIATION of any orientation. And no
} mammal has yet come up with an effective counter measure.
}
} And what is this supremely humiliating attack? Graphical
} representation follows:
}                         \   |   /
}                          \  |  /
}                         --SPLAT--
}
} You owe the Oracle a good raincoat with a hood.


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