Goto:

332, 332-01, 332-02, 332-03, 332-04, 332-05, 332-06, 332-07, 332-08, 332-09, 332-10

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can compute the square root of a negative number > without using COBOL, please answer the following question: > If nothing exists in a vacuum, where do bosses (and administrators) > come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  1) Nothing Exists in a Vacuum         (given) }  2) bosses exist;administrators exist  (given) }  3) bosses=administrators              (Tom's rank-order principle) }  4) administrators do nothing          (first principle of bureaucracy) }  5) I think, therefore I am            (Descartes) }  6) administrators do not think        (federal law, corollary to #4) }  7) I do not think, therefore I am not (converse of #5) }  8) administrators are nothing         (syllogism under #6, #7) }  9) bosses are also nothing            (#3) } 10) Administrators and Bosses exist in a vacuum  (#1) } } You owe the oracle a remedial mathematics lesson.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Great Oracle, big and tall, >  Who never, never will bite the wall, >  And who is loved by all, >  Will you heed my plea and call, >  And tell me, who is the fairest of them all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the Immortal Words of The Usenet Oracle } } You should know better, but I, the Almighty Oracle, will inform } your poor unelightened senses... } } According to my mirror, it is Snow White.  But unknown to most standard } mortals (like yourself) I know that Walt Disney had models for ALL of } his great cartoon characters,so we should check with Uncle Walt, just } to be sure. } }  "Pearly Gates telephone service, please } }  "Ah, Cherub Azraphel?  Can I speak to one Walt Disney, died mid- }  twentieth century?  Oh, Saint Disney?  OK, let me speak to Saint }  Disney. } }  "Walt! This is the Oracle, congradualations on the promotion!... }  Yeah, they did replace Abraham Lincoln with the Muppets... Hey, }  Walt, that's not _MY_ fault you didn't leave it in your will... }  Um, by the way, you remember Snow White? ...  Yeah, the movie with }  the short people... No, Walt, that's Fantasia you're thinking... }  Noooo, that's 101 Dalmations...  Walt, that was the Aristocats... } }  "That was the Rescuers... } }  "Secret of NIMH... } }  "Cinderella... } }  "Computer that Wore Tennis Shoes...  That's not animation! } }  "Fox and the Hound.... } }  "You didn't _DO_ "Behind the Green Door"!...  Yes, I'm sure! } }  "Dumbo... } }  "You did what to Thumper?  And Bambi's Mom?  Really?  I didn't }  know you could do _that_!  How did you get into Heaven? } }  "Yes, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...  Who did you use }  as a model for Snow White?... Who? } }  "Ingrid Thusbleby?  You're high-school math partner? } } Well, dearest reader, The fairest of them all is Ingrid Thusbleby. } I think she lives in Walla-walla, but you'll have to look that up. } } You owe the Oracle the Original Uncensored Version of Bambi.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> According to the Grand Unified Oracle Theory, the event horizon of > Usenet should be six systems. Experimental studies have shown it to > be 9 +/- 2, an excess of 1-5 systems. The existence of Dark Systems, > containing newsreaders only and no posters, has been proposed as an > explanation of this anomaly. The problem is that classic posterdynamics > implies that posterless sites will be leaf sites only, and leaf sites > don't have enough influence to effect the Usenet Event Horizon. > > OK, with this as background, can you most puissant Oracle, answer > the following question: > > What was that lady I saw you with last night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Two people are walking along the beach) } } "Oracle, baby?" } } "Yes, Lisa, inflamer of my passions?" } } "Look out over the sea to the sunset, isn't }  it beautiful?" } } "Why yes, but we've seen this a million }  times before. Let's go to bed." } } "Wait, I wasn't just looking at the sunset." } } "You were looking at me too. Good. Let's go }  to bed." } } "No, wait. Can you answer a question for me }  first?" } } "That's my job, Lisa." } } "Out over the sea, in front of the sunset, }  what are those dark sillhouettes?" } } "Oh, them. They're just systems. You know, }  Unix machines, Vaxes, that sort of thing." } } "But what are they doing way out there?" } } "They're at a place called the Oracle event }  horizon. You see, the Oracle event horizon }  is the boundary of how far in the net I }  could be bothered paying attention to }  until I get too distracted by the desire }  to go to bed with you." } } "How romantic." } } "I guess so. Now see if you can guess why, }  even though the Grand Unified Oracle theory }  suggests there should only be six systems }  out there, there are currently 11." } } "Um, sorry, I don't know." } } "Because the authors of the theory forgot }  to take into account the Lisa query }  coefficient, which increases the number of }  systems since if you ask questions I have }  more trouble getting you into bed." } } "Oh. Sorry." } } "The number of systems can, however, be }  decreased by altering the value of the Lisa }  query coefficient." } } "How?" } } "Ask the right question." } } (She does. The couple exits libidinously.) } } There you go. You owe the Oracle a romantic } location with a nice horizon.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    This is Marcretius of the Borg, again.  We have determined that your > defenses are insufficient to protect against a software attack by us. > For your convenience, we have implemented a Graphic Overly-Obnoxious > Interface and Editor (GOOIE) to communicate our ultimatum.  Please > wait... > > (30 minutes later, after GOOIE is loaded...) > >               W E L C O M E    T O     T H E    B O R G >                       C O N S C I O U S N E S S > >                 Copyright (c) Borg.  Cycle 0x13d46d56. >                          All Rights Reserved. > >            Please select any of the option(s) listed below. > >                 (One) Submit yourself to assimilation >                       to the Greater Borg Consciousness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you have a question? } }       Questions are irrelevant. You will submit yourself now. } } Oh, all right. Let's see . . . [rustle, rustle] hmm, the largest } envelope I've got is 4-by-9 . . . oh well. What address? } }       Pardon? } } If I'm going to submit myself, I need to know your mailing address. } }       Addresses are irrelevant. } } Try telling that to the the post office. I mean, you should see how } picky they got when I tried submitting a story to Asimov's without } a proper address. You think I'm going to risk losing *myself* in } the mail? } }       The Post Office is-- } } Yeah, I know, irrelevant. All right, I'll just put down "TO: BORG" . . } Now, where did I put my F-stamps . . . ah, yes [rrip,lick,stick,THUD], } and now I've just gotta climb into the envelope . . . no, that's not } working, maybe if I sort of crawled in from the side . . . um, I } don't think I'm gonna fit. Could I submit my cat instead? } }       Throw in a pound of Earl Grey tea, and its a deal. } } [Oracle and Borg rep shake hands. But that's irrelevant.] } } You owe the Oracle a new cat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are some days, when the sultry summer sun is shining, when the } humid air hangs heavily, when alliteration rolls alluring from the } lips; the lazy sound of bees mixes with Lisa's quiet moans from the } bedroom, and the musky scent of her perfume disinclines one to serious } work.  It is on these days that a gay, mad, young demi-god's thoughts } drift away from the unceasing demands of day-to-day omniscience, flit } hungrily about Lisa's lower extremities, and fly off to wonder if there } might not be some better way to spend the afternoon.  Of course, they } immediately return to Lisa's lower extremities as the unquestioned best } bet. } } Following the path blazed by his scouting thoughts, his eyes turn from } the feverish glow of the terminal, and seek the sultry half-light of } curtained boudoir, whence proceed temptations of infinite distraction. } A wry smile touches his lips as anticipation's seeds germinate and take } root in the fertile loam of his libido, their turgid stems thrusting } upward to search for the satiating sunlight of carnal bliss.  Pushing } back his chair, he prepares to rise from his work - But stop: A message } arrives!  What vital communique calls him from his well-deserved rest? } What desparate plea for wisdom, what impassioned cry for help, what } soulful prayer for revelation must supercede personal pleasure, yea } even for a god?  Behold: } } > Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!! } } How'd you like a sulphuric acid enema, Farina-for-brains? } } You owe the Oracle an extended metaphor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O cleverest of the cleverest, > > How does one tell one's doctor about the exact location > of one's nasty and rather painful boil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poke!> Does that hurt?  <poke!> Does that hurt?  <poke!> Does that } hurt? } } You owe the Oracle five minutes alone with a very cold stethoscope and } his doctor.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh great Oracle, whos saliva I am no worthy to clean from the sink > with my tounge, whos face I am  not even worthy to glance at while my > eyes are burning with acid which I have used to cleanse them to be as > pure as the falling snow before it mixes with my impure soul like the > street crud on a New York street.  What, if I might be so bold to speak > to the being which is more mighty than even a woman's scorn after you > tell her that she is not going to purchase any more clothing for at > least a century or two, is, I ask of the one who can even allow an > Alabama student to exist after making a mockery of reality by carrying > boxes of detergent and toilet paper to sporting events, that you don't > strike them down in stride, the meaning, if I may be so bold in the > presense of the one who's mere existance is of great interest to a soul > such as myself who is not worthy to even die as a result of learning > this great secret which I ask of you, of, In the presence of a being > who programmes in a language so complex as to even scorn a language > such as IBM System 370 machine language, those darn humanities credits > we Computer scientists must take, is it just so we can know how easy > the other half have it?  Thank you o great one!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you can grovel more coherently. } } You owe the Oracle the 166th psalm.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Now lemme get this straight. You want to breed cats that people'll > want to keep in their homes." > > "Yes, yes, that's right." > > "And they're going to be _this_ big." <with appropriate gesture> > > "Uh-huh!" > > "And just what are you going to breed to get these things?" > > "... very small tigers."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Very small tigers???" } }  "That's right." } } "Just where do you expect to find some very small tigers?" } }  "I don't, actually. I was going to breed them." } } "From what?!" } }  "From big tigers." } } "From _big_ tigers?!?!?" } }  "Well, yes, actually." } } "WHY?!?" } }  "As I said earlier, I want to breed cats that people...." } } "What a STUPID idea!!!" } }  "I'm sorry if you don't...." } } "Why do you ALWAYS bother me with your STUPID ideas????!!!!?" } }  "Uh...<gulp>...I...." } } "AND WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION?!?!?!?" } }  "Your question?" } } "YES!!!!" } }  "Uh...what was it?" } } "Oh...I forgot." } }  "You forgot." } } "I'm afraid so." } }  "You know we'll never make the digest if there's no question." } } "That's true." } }  "I could think of a question for you." } } "_You_ could think of a question??" } }  "Sure! Being my wonderful, wise, benevolent, omniscient (not to }  mention cute) self, I can think of questions just as well as I can }  answer them." } } "<sigh> Why not? Shoot." } }  "Hmmmm...<weird sound effects evoking images of a frighteningly }  intelligent brain at work>...how about this: } }       O wondrous wise Oracle, whose oh-so-stylishly-torn-up jeans }       we are not worthy to patch, } }       My kitty ate the kitchen table yesterday. This morning he ate the }       milkman. Now, he's eyeing me with a strange gleam in his eye. }       What should I do? } }       Dear supplicant: } }       Run. } } You owe the Oracle 8 _large_ steel cages, a book on genetics, and 10 } years' supply of Purina Tiger Chow.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mystical Oracle, whose > unfathomable powers are just too cool, > answer me this: > > is there true magick in this wyrlde, > that can be touched by strange sort like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You already seem a bit touched to me, but yes, this is a magical world. } I'll show you: } } Just pick a card. No, not that one. Okay. Now look at it. Is it the } queen of spades? The king of spades? The three? } } Is it black? } } Okay, you have a red card. I see... I see a diamond? Oh. Wait, the } diamond is turning into a heart! Yes, and now it's several hearts. } It's... are there more than five hearts? Of course not, I knew that. Is } your card the four of hearts? The three of hearts? The two of hearts? } } Wait. Let me concentrate. } } Hey presto, your card is the Ace of Hearts! } } Ta da!!!! } } If that isn't a strange sort of magick, I don't know what is.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  ORACLE big you be >  question me this answer > >  why funny people look I when talk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Large fleck of spinach on your front teeth. } } You fresh supply prepositions helper-verbs Oracle owing.