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Internet Oracularities #332

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Usenet Oracularities #332    (12 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 6 Aug 91 01:41:34 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

332   12 votes 21243 21540 24411 01452 32610 42150 15312 03342 22404 42150
332   3.0 mean  3.4   2.9   2.6   3.7   2.4   2.6   2.8   3.4   3.2   2.6


332-01    (21243 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who can compute the square root of a negative number
> without using COBOL, please answer the following question:
> If nothing exists in a vacuum, where do bosses (and administrators)
> come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  1) Nothing Exists in a Vacuum         (given)
}  2) bosses exist;administrators exist  (given)
}  3) bosses=administrators              (Tom's rank-order principle)
}  4) administrators do nothing          (first principle of bureaucracy)
}  5) I think, therefore I am            (Descartes)
}  6) administrators do not think        (federal law, corollary to #4)
}  7) I do not think, therefore I am not (converse of #5)
}  8) administrators are nothing         (syllogism under #6, #7)
}  9) bosses are also nothing            (#3)
} 10) Administrators and Bosses exist in a vacuum  (#1)
}
} You owe the oracle a remedial mathematics lesson.


332-02    (21540 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh Great Oracle, big and tall,
>  Who never, never will bite the wall,
>  And who is loved by all,
>  Will you heed my plea and call,
>  And tell me, who is the fairest of them all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the Immortal Words of The Usenet Oracle
}
} You should know better, but I, the Almighty Oracle, will inform
} your poor unelightened senses...
}
} According to my mirror, it is Snow White.  But unknown to most standard
} mortals (like yourself) I know that Walt Disney had models for ALL of
} his great cartoon characters,so we should check with Uncle Walt, just
} to be sure.
}
}  "Pearly Gates telephone service, please
}
}  "Ah, Cherub Azraphel?  Can I speak to one Walt Disney, died mid-
}  twentieth century?  Oh, Saint Disney?  OK, let me speak to Saint
}  Disney.
}
}  "Walt! This is the Oracle, congradualations on the promotion!...
}  Yeah, they did replace Abraham Lincoln with the Muppets... Hey,
}  Walt, that's not _MY_ fault you didn't leave it in your will...
}  Um, by the way, you remember Snow White? ...  Yeah, the movie with
}  the short people... No, Walt, that's Fantasia you're thinking...
}  Noooo, that's 101 Dalmations...  Walt, that was the Aristocats...
}
}  "That was the Rescuers...
}
}  "Secret of NIMH...
}
}  "Cinderella...
}
}  "Computer that Wore Tennis Shoes...  That's not animation!
}
}  "Fox and the Hound....
}
}  "You didn't _DO_ "Behind the Green Door"!...  Yes, I'm sure!
}
}  "Dumbo...
}
}  "You did what to Thumper?  And Bambi's Mom?  Really?  I didn't
}  know you could do _that_!  How did you get into Heaven?
}
}  "Yes, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves...  Who did you use
}  as a model for Snow White?... Who?
}
}  "Ingrid Thusbleby?  You're high-school math partner?
}
} Well, dearest reader, The fairest of them all is Ingrid Thusbleby.
} I think she lives in Walla-walla, but you'll have to look that up.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Original Uncensored Version of Bambi.


332-03    (24411 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> According to the Grand Unified Oracle Theory, the event horizon of
> Usenet should be six systems. Experimental studies have shown it to
> be 9 +/- 2, an excess of 1-5 systems. The existence of Dark Systems,
> containing newsreaders only and no posters, has been proposed as an
> explanation of this anomaly. The problem is that classic posterdynamics
> implies that posterless sites will be leaf sites only, and leaf sites
> don't have enough influence to effect the Usenet Event Horizon.
>
> OK, with this as background, can you most puissant Oracle, answer
> the following question:
>
> What was that lady I saw you with last night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Two people are walking along the beach)
}
} "Oracle, baby?"
}
} "Yes, Lisa, inflamer of my passions?"
}
} "Look out over the sea to the sunset, isn't
}  it beautiful?"
}
} "Why yes, but we've seen this a million
}  times before. Let's go to bed."
}
} "Wait, I wasn't just looking at the sunset."
}
} "You were looking at me too. Good. Let's go
}  to bed."
}
} "No, wait. Can you answer a question for me
}  first?"
}
} "That's my job, Lisa."
}
} "Out over the sea, in front of the sunset,
}  what are those dark sillhouettes?"
}
} "Oh, them. They're just systems. You know,
}  Unix machines, Vaxes, that sort of thing."
}
} "But what are they doing way out there?"
}
} "They're at a place called the Oracle event
}  horizon. You see, the Oracle event horizon
}  is the boundary of how far in the net I
}  could be bothered paying attention to
}  until I get too distracted by the desire
}  to go to bed with you."
}
} "How romantic."
}
} "I guess so. Now see if you can guess why,
}  even though the Grand Unified Oracle theory
}  suggests there should only be six systems
}  out there, there are currently 11."
}
} "Um, sorry, I don't know."
}
} "Because the authors of the theory forgot
}  to take into account the Lisa query
}  coefficient, which increases the number of
}  systems since if you ask questions I have
}  more trouble getting you into bed."
}
} "Oh. Sorry."
}
} "The number of systems can, however, be
}  decreased by altering the value of the Lisa
}  query coefficient."
}
} "How?"
}
} "Ask the right question."
}
} (She does. The couple exits libidinously.)
}
} There you go. You owe the Oracle a romantic
} location with a nice horizon.


332-04    (01452 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    This is Marcretius of the Borg, again.  We have determined that your
> defenses are insufficient to protect against a software attack by us.
> For your convenience, we have implemented a Graphic Overly-Obnoxious
> Interface and Editor (GOOIE) to communicate our ultimatum.  Please
> wait...
>
> (30 minutes later, after GOOIE is loaded...)
>
>               W E L C O M E    T O     T H E    B O R G
>                       C O N S C I O U S N E S S
>
>                 Copyright (c) Borg.  Cycle 0x13d46d56.
>                          All Rights Reserved.
>
>            Please select any of the option(s) listed below.
>
>                 (One) Submit yourself to assimilation
>                       to the Greater Borg Consciousness.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't you have a question?
}
}       Questions are irrelevant. You will submit yourself now.
}
} Oh, all right. Let's see . . . [rustle, rustle] hmm, the largest
} envelope I've got is 4-by-9 . . . oh well. What address?
}
}       Pardon?
}
} If I'm going to submit myself, I need to know your mailing address.
}
}       Addresses are irrelevant.
}
} Try telling that to the the post office. I mean, you should see how
} picky they got when I tried submitting a story to Asimov's without
} a proper address. You think I'm going to risk losing *myself* in
} the mail?
}
}       The Post Office is--
}
} Yeah, I know, irrelevant. All right, I'll just put down "TO: BORG" . .
} Now, where did I put my F-stamps . . . ah, yes [rrip,lick,stick,THUD],
} and now I've just gotta climb into the envelope . . . no, that's not
} working, maybe if I sort of crawled in from the side . . . um, I
} don't think I'm gonna fit. Could I submit my cat instead?
}
}       Throw in a pound of Earl Grey tea, and its a deal.
}
} [Oracle and Borg rep shake hands. But that's irrelevant.]
}
} You owe the Oracle a new cat.


332-05    (32610 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There are some days, when the sultry summer sun is shining, when the
} humid air hangs heavily, when alliteration rolls alluring from the
} lips; the lazy sound of bees mixes with Lisa's quiet moans from the
} bedroom, and the musky scent of her perfume disinclines one to serious
} work.  It is on these days that a gay, mad, young demi-god's thoughts
} drift away from the unceasing demands of day-to-day omniscience, flit
} hungrily about Lisa's lower extremities, and fly off to wonder if there
} might not be some better way to spend the afternoon.  Of course, they
} immediately return to Lisa's lower extremities as the unquestioned best
} bet.
}
} Following the path blazed by his scouting thoughts, his eyes turn from
} the feverish glow of the terminal, and seek the sultry half-light of
} curtained boudoir, whence proceed temptations of infinite distraction.
} A wry smile touches his lips as anticipation's seeds germinate and take
} root in the fertile loam of his libido, their turgid stems thrusting
} upward to search for the satiating sunlight of carnal bliss.  Pushing
} back his chair, he prepares to rise from his work - But stop: A message
} arrives!  What vital communique calls him from his well-deserved rest?
} What desparate plea for wisdom, what impassioned cry for help, what
} soulful prayer for revelation must supercede personal pleasure, yea
} even for a god?  Behold:
}
} > Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball!!!!!
}
} How'd you like a sulphuric acid enema, Farina-for-brains?
}
} You owe the Oracle an extended metaphor.


332-06    (42150 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O cleverest of the cleverest,
>
> How does one tell one's doctor about the exact location
> of one's nasty and rather painful boil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <poke!> Does that hurt?  <poke!> Does that hurt?  <poke!> Does that
} hurt?
}
} You owe the Oracle five minutes alone with a very cold stethoscope and
} his doctor.


332-07    (15312 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Oh great Oracle, whos saliva I am no worthy to clean from the sink
> with my tounge, whos face I am  not even worthy to glance at while my
> eyes are burning with acid which I have used to cleanse them to be as
> pure as the falling snow before it mixes with my impure soul like the
> street crud on a New York street.  What, if I might be so bold to speak
> to the being which is more mighty than even a woman's scorn after you
> tell her that she is not going to purchase any more clothing for at
> least a century or two, is, I ask of the one who can even allow an
> Alabama student to exist after making a mockery of reality by carrying
> boxes of detergent and toilet paper to sporting events, that you don't
> strike them down in stride, the meaning, if I may be so bold in the
> presense of the one who's mere existance is of great interest to a soul
> such as myself who is not worthy to even die as a result of learning
> this great secret which I ask of you, of, In the presence of a being
> who programmes in a language so complex as to even scorn a language
> such as IBM System 370 machine language, those darn humanities credits
> we Computer scientists must take, is it just so we can know how easy
> the other half have it?  Thank you o great one!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you can grovel more coherently.
}
} You owe the Oracle the 166th psalm.


332-08    (03342 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> "Now lemme get this straight. You want to breed cats that people'll
> want to keep in their homes."
>
> "Yes, yes, that's right."
>
> "And they're going to be _this_ big." <with appropriate gesture>
>
> "Uh-huh!"
>
> "And just what are you going to breed to get these things?"
>
> "... very small tigers."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Very small tigers???"
}
}  "That's right."
}
} "Just where do you expect to find some very small tigers?"
}
}  "I don't, actually. I was going to breed them."
}
} "From what?!"
}
}  "From big tigers."
}
} "From _big_ tigers?!?!?"
}
}  "Well, yes, actually."
}
} "WHY?!?"
}
}  "As I said earlier, I want to breed cats that people...."
}
} "What a STUPID idea!!!"
}
}  "I'm sorry if you don't...."
}
} "Why do you ALWAYS bother me with your STUPID ideas????!!!!?"
}
}  "Uh...<gulp>...I...."
}
} "AND WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER MY QUESTION?!?!?!?"
}
}  "Your question?"
}
} "YES!!!!"
}
}  "Uh...what was it?"
}
} "Oh...I forgot."
}
}  "You forgot."
}
} "I'm afraid so."
}
}  "You know we'll never make the digest if there's no question."
}
} "That's true."
}
}  "I could think of a question for you."
}
} "_You_ could think of a question??"
}
}  "Sure! Being my wonderful, wise, benevolent, omniscient (not to
}  mention cute) self, I can think of questions just as well as I can
}  answer them."
}
} "<sigh> Why not? Shoot."
}
}  "Hmmmm...<weird sound effects evoking images of a frighteningly
}  intelligent brain at work>...how about this:
}
}       O wondrous wise Oracle, whose oh-so-stylishly-torn-up jeans
}       we are not worthy to patch,
}
}       My kitty ate the kitchen table yesterday. This morning he ate the
}       milkman. Now, he's eyeing me with a strange gleam in his eye.
}       What should I do?
}
}       Dear supplicant:
}
}       Run.
}
} You owe the Oracle 8 _large_ steel cages, a book on genetics, and 10
} years' supply of Purina Tiger Chow.


332-09    (22404 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mystical Oracle, whose
> unfathomable powers are just too cool,
> answer me this:
>
> is there true magick in this wyrlde,
> that can be touched by strange sort like me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You already seem a bit touched to me, but yes, this is a magical world.
} I'll show you:
}
} Just pick a card. No, not that one. Okay. Now look at it. Is it the
} queen of spades? The king of spades? The three?
}
} Is it black?
}
} Okay, you have a red card. I see... I see a diamond? Oh. Wait, the
} diamond is turning into a heart! Yes, and now it's several hearts.
} It's... are there more than five hearts? Of course not, I knew that. Is
} your card the four of hearts? The three of hearts? The two of hearts?
}
} Wait. Let me concentrate.
}
} Hey presto, your card is the Ace of Hearts!
}
} Ta da!!!!
}
} If that isn't a strange sort of magick, I don't know what is.


332-10    (42150 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  ORACLE big you be
>  question me this answer
>
>  why funny people look I when talk?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Large fleck of spinach on your front teeth.
}
} You fresh supply prepositions helper-verbs Oracle owing.


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