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Internet Oracularities #333

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Usenet Oracularities #333    (11 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Fri, 9 Aug 91 12:32:05 -0500

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333   11 votes 22232 30332 14222 11432 33212 11333 03431 23411 12242 22133
333   3.1 mean  3.1   3.1   3.0   3.4   2.6   3.5   3.2   2.6   3.4   3.3


333-01    (22232 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and understanding Oracle, mine is a sad tale, but one which may
> yet, through your intervention, have a happy ending.
>
> When I was a lad, my grandfather told me that there are three things
> every man must know, but not until he becomes a man. Before I grew to
> adulthood, though, my grandfather, alas, left us. To this day, whenever
> I call him, that Vegas showgirl he left grandma for hangs up on me,
> and I still don't know what three things I must know, now that I am a
> man.
>
> What, O Oracle, with eyes that see all, are the three things my
> grandfather mentioned to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your grandfather was a wise man.  He wanted to make sure you got the
} best out of life, and weren't killed unnecessarily by being thrown into
} the Gorge of Eternal Peril by the old man from scene 24.
}
} The three things you must know are:
} Your name,
} Your quest,
} and your favorite color.
} [The airspeed velocity of an unladen (African) sparrow is also useful.]
}
} If you always keep these things in the front of your mind, you will
} succeed in life, and will never be thrown into the Gorge of Eternal
} Peril.
}
} Of course, you will be forever distracted and not be able to
} concentrate on anything else, but such is the price you pay for success
} in life.
}
} You owe the Oracle two swallows, a cocunut and a small bit of twine.


333-02    (30332 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Enlighten me, O knowledgable and most groovy oracle, who could sing
> just like Bob Dylan but mercifully chooses not to, who sometimes hangs
> out with Tom Petty, and yet who does not claim to be a born-again
> Christian...
>
> How many roads must a man walk down?
>
> And don't tell me 42, either.  I've heard that one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm, great question.  I know, I'll call up all the Wilburys and ask
} them.
}
} [beep-beep-boop-bop-beep-beep-beep] [Riiiing, Riiiiing]
} "Hi, this is George Harrison, I'm not in right now, so please leave a
} message at the tone.  And if this is Paul or Ringo, hahahahah, I found
} another group, so there nyah."
}
} Hmmm, well, let's try Jeff Lynne
}
} [Riiiiing, Riii]
}
} "Hello?"
}
} 'Is this Jeff Lynne?'
}
} "Yeah, how did you get this number?"
}
} 'I'm the Oracle.'
}
} "Look, I quit ELO a long time ago, ok?  I wish those guys the best of
} luck with the new album, but right now, I'm trying to focus on my
} career as a producer, ok?"
}
} 'No, no, not ELO, Or-a-cle.'
}
} "Oh, sorry, I'm just getting kind of fed up with all those calls."
}
} 'I understand, but maybe you can help out, how many roads must a man
} walk down?'
}
} "42?"
}
} 'Sorry, he knows that one.'
}
} [Riiiiiing, Riiiiing, Riiiing, Riiing]
}
} "Hello?"
}
} 'Roy?'
}
} "Look, I'm kind of busy now, can you call ba..<CRASH>  Jimi!  Put the
} guitar down!  Sorry, but can you maybe <BOOM>  Damn it Lennon!  If you
} and Janis want to do that, go get your own place, I'm still cleaning up
} from last time."
}
} 'Ummm, Roy, can you just tell me how many roads must a man walk down?'
}
} "Oh, sure that's easy, it ...<BANG-BOOM-CRASH-SHATTER> That's it
} Presley, get out!!!   Sorry, ummm, look, I've got this party going on,
} could you call back?"
}
} [Riiiing]
}
} "Hey."
}
} 'Ummm, is this the Petty household?'
}
} "Hey."
}
} 'Is this Tom?'
}
} "Hey."
}
} 'Well, Tom, maybe you can tell me, how many roads must a man walk
} down?'
}
} "Hey, is this the Oracle?"
}
} 'Hey.'
}
} "Hey, O. s'up?"
}
} 'Not much, and you?'
}
} "Got the new album out.  Tour startin' soon.  Roads a man must walk
} eh?"
}
} 'Hey.  I like the album by the way.  Say, isn't _Learing to Fly_ a Pink
} Floyd song though?'
}
} "Hey, thanks.  Hey, it is, but mine is better."
}
} 'Thought so.  About the roads?'
}
} "Hey, ummm 42?"
}
} [Riiiiing, Riiii]
}
} "Hlleee"
}
} "Bob?"
}
} "Yeeeeeee"
}
} "Bob, how many roads must a man walk down?"
}
} 'Theee nzwr m frrrd z blwn n th wnnd thee nzwr z blwwn wnd'
}
} "That's what I thought.  Say Bob, when are you getting your jaw
} unwired?"
}
} Well, hope that settles it for you.
} You owe the Oracle 'Travelling Wilburys, Vol. 2' CD


333-03    (14222 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great wizzbang Oracle, whose wizdum inspires us all.  Pray tell,
> how much work could a network work if a network could net work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (A first year comp sci student and
}  a first year maths student are
}  sitting in an anonymous computer
}  center)
}
} "Gee, this stats assignment is a real
}  bummer."
}
} "What's the problem?"
}
} "The whole thing. Maybe I should have
}  gone to some of the lectures."
}
} "Well, you can always fail this
}  assignment and blitz the exam."
}
} "No chance. This is worth 60 per cent."
}
} "Look, I know where you can get help."
}
} "Yeah?"
}
} (Comp sci student leans over in a
}  conspiratorial manner)
}
} "I'll post something to sci.math.stat
}  for you. People are only too pleased
}  to help. Now what are the problems?"
}
} "Well there's this one about the time
}  to failure of a light bulb."
}
} "OK - 'I have a friend (no net access)
}  who owns a light bulb and would like
}  to know how long 95% of his bulbs
}  will last if they fail, on average,
}  every 150 hours.'"
}
} "Yeah, that's good. No one will ever
}  know this is an assignment."
}
} (several days later)
}
} "Here are the replies. I was in a
}  hurry so I just printed them all out
}  without reading them."
}
} "Ok, thanks a lot for that, that's a
}  real help. I'll just write them out
}  and hand it all in."
}
} (a first year maths lecture is in
}  progress)
}
} "...and would whoever wrote 'your
}  friend with the light bulb can do
}  his own $%&*@ homework' please come
}  and see me afterwards."
}
} "GULP"
}
} - The moral of the story? The network can net work,
}   but the net work of the network is less than the
}   net work of the net working to trap work networking.
}
} - You owe the Oracle a damned fine exam performance.


333-04    (11432 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which will be a hotter rental this fall, the downpriced "Home Alone"
> or the 5-hour spectacle, "Dances with Wolves?" I need to know so I
> can buy into the proper title and not be left with another "Dick Tracy"
> fiasco (nobody rents it anymore).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid neither is going to do well this season.  The suprise hit,
} soon to be released in theatres, will be "Home Alone With Wolves", in
} which a precocious, cute little kid uses Rambo-style tactics to fight
} off a rabid pack after his parents mistake them for poodles and leave
} them to babysit.  Of course, the stunning conclusion of the story, in
} which the happy-go-lucky child is killed and eaten, is its strongest
} selling point.


333-05    (33212 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle whose footwear I am not worthy
> to contemplate,
>
> How may I convince people that the Usenet Oracle
> is more important than mere lectures ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Easy.  Start by dousing all people who DON'T realise that I am more
} important than lectures in cheap perfume.  Now it will be easy to keep
} track of the ones you need to work on.
}
} Next, put up lots of flyers proudly announcing:
}
}               USENET ORACLE HAS FOUND A
}               SURE FIRE REMOVER FOR ANY
}               BRAND OF CHEAP PERFUME!!!
}
} Later, of those who still aren't convinced, soak them with skunk musk,
} then put up flyer all around which read:
}
}               USENET ORACLE IS THE ONLY
}               ONE TO SAFELY DEFUSE EVEN
}               DEADLY ODER OF SKUNK MUSK
}
} For the last few hold outs . . .
}
} Pour generous amounts of kerosene and light, then (without even posting
} any flyers) there will be no more people who aren't convinced in the
} importance of the Usenet Oracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle execution of the above plan.


333-06    (11333 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most wonderous and spigniferous oracle, who is very oracle-like in
> his manner...
>
> I've been told that the only reason bees can fly is because nobody's
> told them that they can't.  I more suspect the reason bees fly is
> because those flappy things on their backs are wings.  How does all
> this relate to the fact that my cat eats them?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The theory about no-one telling them has to do that, by
} conventional aerodynamics laws, bees and such shouldn't be able
} to get enough lift out of the wings. If you go into advanced
} modeling (such as the ORACLE does in with his spare processing
} power), then it can be seen that they can, indeed fly. Or you can
} just go look at one and trust that it all makes sense. (It
} actually doesn't, but bees flying isn't one of the areas that
} doesn't.)
}         The reason your cat is eating the bees is that is
} attempting to enforce the laws of aerodynamics as it understands
} them, by capital punishment. Don't worry about it, worry about
} the neighbor's dog who's about to test the theory that cats have
} nine lives.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a land flowing with milk, honey, AND
} oil-- I'm not as stupid as some ancient peoples.


333-07    (03431 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, wisest of all things,
> Is there a omnipotent being (God), and if so, why does
> he permit all this pain and suffering on earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is an Omnipotent Being, who may be called God, but for face to
} face meetings "Sir" or "Madam" is more appropriate, depending on the
} manifestation.
}
} Pain and suffering serve many purposes. It can lead one to increased
} spirituality, charity, kindness, and wisdom. It has often been
} observed, and rightly so, that it is only through suffering that a
} person can truly learn.
}
} In your case, however, things are a little different. In eight days
} you're going to be visited by boils, constipation, a plague of locusts,
} deafness, bad seventies disco songs running through your mind, mange,
} the IRS, and assorted relatives. The reason for these tribulations
} is that God bet Satan that, no matter what happened to you, you would
} never put on a grass skirt and appear on "Oprah." Your suffering is
} designed to weaken your mind and leave it open to the post-hypnotic
} suggestions Satan plans to give you during the twenty minutes a night
} your sleep won't be wracked by horrifying dreams of eternal damnation,
} Tupperware parties, and ugly naked people exercising.
}
} My advice is to grin and bear it, and, if you care for your immortal
} soul, stay out of Chicago.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Job rolling paper, extra wide.


333-08    (23411 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What the heck is the meaning of a normally distributed variable with
> mean 0 and variance 2 got to do with regression trees? I dont
> understand this crap!!
>
> Thanks in advance O wise one!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't worry about it. Sixteen days from now you'll be recruited by the
} CIA, assigned a life of intrigue and romance abroad, and given access
} to thirty million untracable Swiss francs. If I were you, I'd kick
} back and relax for the next two weeks.
}
} You owe the Oracle a postcard from Zagreb, Yugoslavia.


333-09    (12242 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose whose faults are faultless, whose peers are
> peerless, whose taste is tasteless, tell me, what is the worst movie of
> all time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Terminator 30-something" (Tristar/Warner/Disney Pictures, 2017).
} After Arnold Schwarzenegger acquired and merged the three parent
} companies, he re-tooled their studios to produce Terminator movies
} exclusively, at a rate of 4 to 6 per year.  In this sequel, in which
} Meryl Streep returns as Mrs. T, the Terminator continues his personal
} growth into a caring, understanding husband.  The action of the movie
} revolves around a family crisis which arises when Mrs. T is fired from
} her accountancy firm in the same week as her analyst retires, and the
} Terminator wipes out 35% of the Fortune 500 in retribution.
}
} The movie was classified as hazardous waste in most jurisdictions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large popcorn and a box of Milk Duds.


333-10    (22133 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One for each he walks up, if he wants to get home that day.


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