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Internet Oracularities #334

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334, 334-01, 334-02, 334-03, 334-04, 334-05, 334-06, 334-07, 334-08, 334-09, 334-10


Usenet Oracularities #334    (17 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>
Date: Tue, 13 Aug 91 09:37:25 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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334   17 votes 22715 82520 24551 68201 56240 23813 21356 16550 58310 25181
334   2.7 mean  3.3   2.1   2.9   1.9   2.3   3.0   3.7   2.8   2.0   3.1


334-01    (22715 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bullwinkle: Hey, Rocky!  There's a message in this bottle!
}
} Rocky: Gee, Bullwinkle, what's it say?
}
} Bullwinkle: Kinda hard to read...
}
} Rocky: Because it's in a foreign language?
}
} Bullwinkle: Nope.
}
} Rocky: Because it's in code?
}
} Bullwinkle: Nope.
}
} Rocky: Because it's faded from the sun?
}
} Bullwinkle: Nope.
}
} Rocky: Then why can't you read it?
}
} Bullwinkle: Nothin' there to read!
}
} Rocky: Hokey Smokes, Bullwinkle, it must be written in invisible ink!!
}
} Bullwinkle: Now why didn't I think of that?
}
} Announcer: Because you're a moose.  Will our intrepid heroes be able to
} decypher the mysterious message in the bottle?  Tune in next time
} for...
}
}                             INVISIBLE, INC.
}
} or...
}
}                        THE PRINTS AND THE PAPER!
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete collection of Rocky & Bullwinkle on VHS.


334-02    (82520 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh great, grand, mighty, magnificent, wise, wonderful Oracle:
>
> Why do people insist on posting to USENET without thinking before they
> write? And afterwards, why can't they figure out why everyone wants to
> flame them?
>
>       -Your humble, honorable net-servant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To My Lowly Net-Slave
}
}       Just because one can type on a IBM PS/2, does not mean one has
}       the ability to communicate intelligently.
}
}       No matter how many apes one places in front of a type writer,
}       there is no chance that any of these apes will produce a copy
}       of the Complete Works of William Shakespeare.
}
}       Dannon Yogurt, unlike USENET, possesses a living active culture.
}
} You owe the Oracle an IBM PS/2, the Complete Works of William
} Shakespeare, and two containers filled with Dannon Yogurt -- preferably
} blueberry.


334-03    (24551 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why are there never enough minutes in a day to spend
> having sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Chronos, the God of Time has been suffering from impotence lately.  He
} decided that if he wasn't getting any, then nobody else would either.
}
} You owe the Oracle some old time in a bottle.


334-04    (68201 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do birds suddenly appear everytime you are near?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Birds are very strange creatures.
} They are attracted by a variety of things.
} Bread Crumbs will bring them near and  most birds are attracted
} to water fountains but, the number one thing that attracts birds is the
} bald spots on top of peoples heads.  They are flying around just
} trying to take aim at these glistening targets.
}
} The Oracles suggestion is to where a hat or buy a large supply of
} towels.


334-05    (56240 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What happened to Betty Page?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     The Betty Page I know (the one raised by slugs) had, as you know,
} started a personal slug-vendetta when she came home to Wichita, Kansas
} at the age of 31 from a remote slug farm in Arkansas, only to discover
} that she was actually a member of the vile human race.  Torn by the lie
} her nurturing slug-parents had told her, she started her own business,
} Salt-A-Slug.  Since anything is commercialable in the United States,
} the daily salt-a-slug fests became quite the national rage.  So one
} night the slighted slug population rose up and seized the city of
} Wichita, Kansas, and kidnapped Betty Page.  They shipped her to
} Womslimba, the island of the infamous slug king Islithermen.  She was
} placed in a permanent trance and forced to sluggishly slave for the
} slugs, having to grease the back of every slug who came to her.  Betty
} Page is still greasing slug backs, even as we speak . . .


334-06    (23813 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are the Illuminati always watching me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm - I note a distinct lack of abasement, which makes me
} reluctant to accellarate my efforts to help you.  I also
} note a shortage of flattery, which I suppose means you're
} not trying to sing your question.  So why should I help you?
}
} Top 10 Oracular Cop-Out "Answers" to "what is nougat"
} 10. What isn't Nougat?
}  9. Peanut smegma.
}  8. A mixture of corn syrup and agar-agar.
}  7. Just like you were told by your peers as a young child, it's
}     monkeysnot.
}  6. What querents who don't treat the Oracle properly get
}     turned into.
}  5. Half an orangutang that's been tossed in a blender.
}  4. Mayonaise that's been left out for too long.
}  3. I don't know, but if you eat enough of it, you'll see Elvis!
}  2. A cheap way to make a bigger candy bar.
} And the number one Oracular Cop-out answer to the alleged
} question "what is nougat" is:
}  1. What the government makes from all those 15lb. blocks of cheese
}     it has sitting around in warehouses that it can't or won't give
}     away.
}
} Anyhow, I guess I'll answer your question anyhow, seeing as how
} you took the trouble to punctuate it and capitalize it, unlike
} the schmuck who asked me about the nougat.
}
} The Illuminati always watch everyone.  It's their job as a world-wide
} ultra-powerful conspiracy.  So don't worry, it's just... Hmm, they do
} seem to pay rather a _lot_ of attention to you, don't they.  Maybe it
} would be a good idea to listen in on one of their secret meetings...
}
} "...according to our meters.  Somehow these people are achieving
}  incredible wisdom in spite of unremarkable auras.  And this isn't an
}  isolated..."
} "Do you think it could be drugs?"
} "Well, many of the subjects are college students with access to the
}  usual array of mind alterants - but there's no common factor between
}  the subjects. Some are heavy users, other abstainers. There's just
}  no..."
} "Actaully, it's the BBC controlling us from London."
} "Are they all philosophy majors or something?  Maybe there's some wave
}  of thought going around in disparate circles that we've missed
}  somehow..."
} "Actually, most of them are computer science students."
} "Personally, I suspect the Erisian Liberation Front of interfering
}  somehow."
} "You're kidding.  CS geeks, attaining fifth or sixth level
}  consciousness?"
} "I don't understand it myself.  They couldn't figure
}  out so much on their own.  They know more than they should. Someone
}  must be feeding them information."
} "But how could they be learning these secrets? We watch all those with
}  the knowledge.  We keep track of who they speak to.  We bug their
}  rooms. We tap their phones.  We scan their mail.  Who could be
}  granting them this wisdom? Who?"
}
} In the name of the widow's son, I put it to you: Who?
} The first step of your initiation is now complete.


334-07    (21356 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I have been troubled for many sleepless nights pondering this question:
> Where did the "wildcards" get the names Bang and Squish, for "!" and
> respectively?  I humbly await your reply.  I am forever your slave and
> minion.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Last I heard, the single character wildcard was ? ("huh"), not !
} ("bang")
}
} As with many computer terms, "huh" and "squish" started out as
} acronyms. Now people say "Bash Bang" all the time, but few remember
} what the terms stand for.  Sort of like most CS folk know RISC is chic,
} but don't know what it means.  Anyhow, here for your enlightenment:
}
} mnem    sym Meaning/Comments
} ----    -   ----------------
} squish  * Some Querents Unforgivably Irritate Supernatural Humans
}                 So named because those querents who annoy the Oracle
}                 tend to end up looking rather like that. About that
}                 size, too.
} huh     ? Hang Up, Hoser
}                 Historically, people who call up bulletin boards and
}                 don't know what they're doing will hit the '?' key in
}                 an attempt to get help. Those boards without help
}                 facilities have traditionally responded to this key
}                 with the above phrase.
} bang    ! Begin Another NewsGroup
}                 So named because whenever posters start using too many
}                 exclamation points, a flame war must be in progress,
}                 and the only hope for sane posters is to form another
}                 newsgroup where they can exist in peace for another
}                 month.
} snail   @ Symbol Next (to) Address In Login
}                 Refers to usage of the symbol in e-mail.
} pound   # People On Uppers Need Drugs
}                 This acronym is probably apocryphal.  It's certainly in
}                 bad taste.  This incarnation refers to the # as
}                 "tictac", but no one understands this incarnation when
}                 this incarnation does. They certainly don't understand
}                 this incarnation's insistence on referring to this
}                 incarnation's self in the third person all the time.
} caret   ^ Carets Always Represent Exponents in Text
} and     & Anders (is) Not Disney
}                 Ask one of your dutch friends to explain this one.
} twiddle ~ Two Worms In Delicious, Depraved, Libidinous Ecstasy
}                 The less said about this one the better.
} dot     . Dead On Target
}                 Term came from military. Specific origins classified.
} bash    \ Bi Annual Super Hero
}                 Term used so much in rec.arts.comics that they decided
}                 to use the \ symbol as an abbreviation
} pipe    | Poop In People's Ears
}                 Reminder of the inherent dangers of redirecting output.
} comma   , Can (the) Oracle Make (up) More Acronyms?
}                 No.


334-08    (16550 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you hear something?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes I did, and it WASN'T me.
}
} Was that you, George?
} "Wouldn't be prudent to comment...at..."
}
} Stick it, Mr. President.  Er, Lieutenant, did you just...?
} "Klingons do not, and if they did, you would KNOW it."
} At ease, Lieutenant.
} "I _am_ at ease."
}
} Forget it.  Pepe, was that you?
} "Non, but did you just see a lovely femme skunque pass by here?  I can
} still smell her..."
}
} Tank you bery much, Pepe.  Pee Wee?
} "Ha, ha, no, I'm still showing all the boys and girls the fun you can
} have with number ones...."
}
} Oh, say it ain't so, Pee.
}
} Gee, who else could it be?  Not YOU, I suppose.
} <IF I DID, LIFE ON EARTH WOULD CEASE TO EXIST>
}
} I thought as much.
}
} Welp, the air is beginning to clear.  It looks like whoever it was got
} any with it.  Oh, well, better luck next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle another can of Van Camp's.


334-09    (58310 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Splendifourous Oracle
>  HOW does one find one ROSE, and Where is the best place to LOOK?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How did *YOU* find out about the Ridiculous Oracular Simulation
} Experiment?
}
} Oh, I see (since I am all-seeing and all-knowing).  Never mind, THAT
} computer will not bother you with rumors of such things again.  I
} gave it a permanent head crash.
}
} Since you know, I might as well tell you more.
}
} Your universe is nothing more than a simulation running on the Oracular
} model i*pi computer.  To find it, percieve your version of reality.
} Looking implies just one of your senses.  I did such a good job on the
} simulation that you can not only look, but feel, smell, and hear it.
}
} You owe the oracle a simulated flower.


334-10    (25181 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Russell S Porter <porter@brahms.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O `grep ful /usr/dict/words` oracle, please tell me
>
> I'm not going to ask you "how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a
> woodchuck could chuck wood" as you've answered this question far to
> many times already. However, other mysteries from the animal kingdom
> still puzzle me:
>
> How much beer would a bare bear bear if a bare bear could bear beer ?
>
> How many docks would a Doc duck duck if a Doc duck could duck docks ?
>
> How much booze would a loose moose lose if a loose moose could lose
> booze ?
>
> Impatiently awaiting your answer....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Impatiently????
}
} The Oracle does not approve of impatience.  Now hurry up and grovel.
} That's better.
}
} The Oracle also does not appreciate being called the following:
}
} fulcrum
} fulfill
} full
} fullback
} fully
} fulminate
} fulsome
}
} As well as many of the words that _end_ in 'ful'.  However...
}
} (a) 13 gallons
} (b)  2 per hour of rest
} (c) 13 gallons, if the bear brought it and the duck didn't spill it
}        by crashing into the dock.
}
} You owe the Oracle 13 gallons of beer.


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