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Internet Oracularities #335

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Usenet Oracularities #335    (14 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 15 Aug 91 09:15:31 -0500

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335   14 votes 02651 14531 04550 24512 15260 04460 14252 22433 61223 41720
335   3.0 mean  3.4   2.9   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.1   3.2   3.2   2.6   2.5


335-01    (02651 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest honest Oracle-
>
> When I was young my parents always said that I was at that difficult
> age. 20+ years on I am still at that "difficult age". Tell me, what is
> that difficult age, what is the time span and what do you do to make
> them realise that it IS that difficult age ??????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let me start by saying that "honest Oracle" is a very poor attempt at
} groveling, but I'll forgive you this one time, because you're at that
} difficult age...
}
} But seriously, folks.
}
} "That difficult age" is a phrase parents many generations ago coined to
} express their utter dismay and disappointment with their children.  It
} goes along with phrases like "What am I going to do with you?," which
} is actually a rhetorical question that translates into "At this moment,
} nothing would please me more than to kick your butt to China and back."
}
} These phrases are similar to the ones parents use to console eachother.
}  For example, parents try to soothe eachother by saying "Oh, he's just
} going through a phase.," when what they really mean is "Honey, we've
} conceived the Anti-Christ."  That's why so many parents walk around
} with this hollow-eyed glaze that looks like they've just taken a long,
} hard stare directly into the Gates of Hell.  They have.  That's what
} parenthood is all about.  Anyone who thinks differently obviously
} hasn't read "Calvin and Hobbes."
}
} Anyway, back to your question.
}
} "At that difficult age" is really a misnomer.  That conveys the message
} that you, as an individual, are somehow responsible for the trauma in
} your life to yourself and those around you.  That concept is simply too
} limited, typical of the mortal need to blame the individual.  The truth
} of the matter is that what seems difficult to you mortals, which you
} bring down to the individual level, is actually a symptom of a greater
} disease that involves the whole Time/Space Fabric.  Unfortunately, the
} situation is far too complex for your mortal mind to understand.
}
} So, to satisfy your need to break this phenomenon down into time
} periods, it would be more accurate to say "IN that difficult age."  You
} are living IN that difficult age, which you call the Age of
} Information.  The Age of Information was preceeded by the Industrial
} Age, which was "that arduous age." Before that was the Age of
} Agriculture, which was "that not-very-easy age."  That was right after
} the Iron Age, which was the "tough-but-getting better age."  Which
} followed the Stone Age, which was "that amazingly strange and
} frightening age which has a tendency to confuse many of us with less
} developed cranial capacity."  That was preceeded by a time period known
} roughly as "The Age of Combining Various Grunts and Growls Into
} Slightly More Complex Grunts and Growls with Little Meaning Attached to
} Them at this Point."  There's little value in going much beyond that.
}
} So, there really isn't much you or your parents can do about it.
} You're living in The Age of Information, that difficult age.  The Age
} of Information isn't scheduled to end until the year 2185, long after
} you're dead and gone.  But you should feel happy, because The Age of
} Information is followed by The Age of Doom, and that's REALLY gonna
} suck.
}
} You owe The Oracle a time belt that doesn't pinch at the waist.


335-02    (14531 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Der Oracle:
>
>   I am now Zyglap from Planet Vixxronn.  Exclaim to me how to cook
>   Earth humans from deploding exvironmentally?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, Planet Vixxronn, well known among linguists for its context-free
} natural languages (or was that content free?). Deploding
} environmentally while cooking Earth humans is easy enough. Just step
} into this small chamber (that's right, the one labelled "Amana"). You
} decide on a recipe while old Uncle Oracle sets the controls; hmmm, five
} minutes at high power should be just about right. Comfy? Ok, here we
} go. You should deplode environmentally in about two minutes. This is a
} fine example of cooking as practiced by Earth humans. What's that?
} Mistake? No, no mistake; you expressed yourself beautifully, really a
} wonderful command of the language.
}
} (PLOP!)
}
} You owe the Oracle a damp cloth, to clean up the mess.


335-03    (04550 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greetings, Salutations and Small Furry Rodents Rectally-Inserted
> into Celebrities, O great Oracle!
>
> Tell me, how's that everytime I stop typing into the computer,
> my screen goes blank and a small slinky type of thing begins
> to bounce all around?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, ya got trouble my friend. Right here in <insert a geographical
} marker for your city> City.  That's trouble with a capital 'T' and that
} rhymes with 'V' and that stands for 'Virus.'  Why sure I'm a slinky
} player. Always mighty proud to say, "I'm always mighty proud to say
} it."  Why I consider the hours I spend with a slinky to be golden.
} Help me cultivate horse sense with a cool head and a keen eye.  Ever
} get one to walk down the stairs? But I'm afriad you have a new strain
} of virus in your computer.  One of the worst and nastiest strains of
} viri.  Disguised as the ever popular "It's Slinky, It's Slinky, Slinky
} the wonderful toy." It as been able to infiltrate the computer of
} millions.  What you must do is move the cursor so that the two ends of
} the slinky touch, thus getting them horribly tangled (something most
} kids do only hours after getting one) thus rendering it harmless.
}
} You owe the oracle one Etch-a-Sketch.
} file


335-04    (24512 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracular-type being, who spans the infinite galaxies and plays
> tinkertoys with the cosmos, who with a minor gaseous expulsion can
> obliterate large quantities of space, and stuff, and oh GOSH you're
> great, and, uh, um, your holiness, your wonderfullness, you
> soworthyofworshipthatiforgetwhattosayfulness-
>
> I have been offered two jobs.  One pays twice as well as the other.  No
> kidding. One is in Southern Florida, and one is in the hellhole where I
> now reside. Naturally, the one with better pay is here.  Misery pay, I
> guess.  The question iwhich job should I take?  I have been told that
> I'd be happier working for the company in Florida, but I REALLY like
> money.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What you need, m'boy, is the Employment Satisfaction & Comfort Quotient
} (EmpSCoq).  Works like this: Take your proposed annual pay (AnPa)
} multiplied by the Regional Cost of Living Normalization Factor
} (RegCoLiNFac), which can be determined from schedule 6734-b (page 2,
} and see page 112 of instructions), taking account of your Permanent,
} Semi-permanent, or Temporary Co-habitation Unit Composition
} (PeSempTeCoUC). Now, compute your Regional Personal Preference Factor
} (RePePreF), which is the sum of the Personal/Regional Meteorological
} Comfort Quotient (PerRegMeCoQ), Social Interaction Probability Quotient
} (SIProQ), and Regional Cuisine Assimilation Grade (ReCAssiG).  Be
} certain to take account of your Relocation Expense and Hardship
} Adjustment (RelExHA) and Sociological Displacement Cost (SoDisC).
} Transfer the result on line 17 to line 43 of form 3221A, and follow the
} instructions from page 74 to 86. Repeat for each job offer, and compare
} the results.
}
} You owe the Oracle a NubYounThin with MinClo's and VLarT's.


335-05    (15260 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hostes alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Scene is a small but crowded office, with rows upon rows of desks.  On
} each desk is a glowing terminal, behind each desk is a bright eyed
} bushy tailed weasely looking guy.  Suddenly one of them looks confused)
}
} Weasel:       Oh my, I knew this wouldn't be as easy as promised.  The
}       supplicant didn't grovel!  Maybe I should answer it anyway...,
}       no, The Boss would kill me.  Damn Damn Damn.  Hmmm, maybe I could
}       add my own grovelling before I answered it.  No, they've probably
}       got backups of all this.  Damn double Damn.
}
} (Weasel gets up and walks to a back room, whereupon he comes to a
} closed door with several intimidating signs on it.  Weasel raises hand
} to knock, then places his ear against the door.)
}
} (from behind the door): *giggle*  Ohhh ori baby I love it when you do
}       that.  Oh my.  Tee hee, what are you going to do with *that*!
}
} (Weasel turns red, then knocks on the door.  The door opens and the
} Oracle is standing there with a gerbil in his hand.  In the background
} is Lisa, covered in a white foamy substance that looks like Miracle
} Whip.)
}
} Oracle:       WHAT DO YOU WANT, YOU WEASEL!
}
} Weasel:       Um, uh, theres a problem with a supplicant sir.  He
}       didn't grovel.
}
} Oracle:       You disturbed me for that?  Can't you tell I'm busy!
}       Can't you think for yourself!!
}
} (Oracle goes to slam the door but slips on some Miracle Whip that was
} on the floor.  He misses the door and instead slams a button labeled
} "bulk erase". The Weasel vanishes in a cloud of monatomic particles.)
}
} Oracle:       Oops.  I really need to put a safety cover over that
}       button.
}
} (Door slams.)
}
} (It's a week later, back in the room with all the desks.  A harried
} looking middle aged man is walking by an empty desk with a glowing
} terminal)
}
} Manager: Where the hell is that Jones!  Come to think of it, I haven't
}       seen him for a couple of hours now.  Wonder where he went?
}       Hmm, there's a question on his terminal, lessee, "Hostes
}       alienigeni me abduxerunt. Qui annus est?".  Jeez, idiot types
}       with his mouth full.  Maybe he's in the lunch room getting a
}       Hostess twinkie?
}
} (Manager deletes the message and walks away.)
}
} You owe the oracle a ding dong.


335-06    (04460 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are waffles for real, O wise one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My headlights cut through the rain like a knife as I drove down the
} highway. Like a very dull knife.  My client had a tough question for me
} to answer, and I was going to the one place where I knew there would be
} some answers. The radio crackled in time with the lightning as the
} empty road flew past.
}
} It was almost dawn by the time I reached the mansion; the inky
} blackness had given way to an inky gray.  I parked the car where it
} wouldn't be seen and climbed over the wall onto the grounds.  The back
} door was locked, so I waited for a loud clap of thunder and used a rock
} to open a window.  The rain dripped off my trench coat and made puddles
} on the expensive carpet as I quietly crept upstairs to the master
} bedroom.
}
} I flipped on the light as I walked in, and he sat up and blinked
} owlishly for several seconds before he noticed me.  "Who the hell are
} you?" he said in alarm, looking around in panic.  I calmed him down by
} drawing my gun.
}
} "Try anything and you're dead."  I crossed the room and dripped on the
} floor next to his bed.  "Your name Kellogg?"
}
} He hesitated for a moment to decide if it was good or bad to be named
} Kellogg. Finally he replied, "Yes."  He looked at me in appraisal and
} decided I wasn't worth very much.  "I suppose you're going to kidnap
} me?"
}
} "No.  I only want to know one thing."  I could almost see his gears
} turning as he contemplated this.  A corporate spy?  A vengeful
} ex-employee?  But there was still no way of raising the alarm without
} getting a bullet between the eyes, so he looked at me and said, "What?"
}
} "Are waffles for real?"
}
} Suddenly the bedroom door flew open, and a voice behind me said, "Drop
} it!" I half-turned to see two cops with their guns drawn, and an
} anxious butler peering into the room.  "Drop it now or we'll shoot!"
}
} There was nothing I could do; I threw my gun on the floor.  The cops
} frisked me and put the cuffs on as the butler said, "He broke in
} through a window, sir, and triggered the silent alarm.  The police
} arrived within a matter of moments."
}
} Kellogg lit a pipe and began to relax, looking at me with a smirk.  One
} of the cops respectfully asked, "Do you have any idea what he wanted,
} Mr. Kellogg?"
}
} "Some kind of nut.  Wanted to know something about waffles," Kellogg
} chuckled. The cop smiled as he took hold of my arm and politely
} escorted me downtown.
}
} You owe the Oracle bail money.


335-07    (14252 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Wumpus <jim@oasis.icl.co.uk>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} life (noun):  (1) a boring computer 'game' which is viewed by bored
} computer programmers when it's compile time and the boss is watching so
} they can't play nethack (2) a brief period of time between birth and
} death during which most folks are so busy worrying about its brevity
} that they never really have any fun (3) a breakfast cereal with
} annoying kids on the box.
}
} Given the choice, I'll take (3).


335-08    (22433 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and stupendous Oracle, can you tell me if my wife and I will
> have a long lasting and wonderfull relationship together?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} temple 8> telnet thefuture
} Trying 126.144.2.4 ...
} Connected to thefuture.cs.outer-limits.edu.
} Escape character is '^]'.
}
} SunOS EUNUCHS (thefuture)
}
} login: oracle
} Password:
} Last login: Tue Aug  6 22:34:53 from myport.cs.twilight.zone
} SunOS 4.910
} =======================================================================
} =======================================================================
} Your terminal type is now unknown
} It is now Thu Aug  12 22:05:34 EDT 1999
} ========================================================================
}
}  Attention future users: Please do not hog the printer when foretelling
} the future for clients. If you must print a bitmap to emphasize just
} how awful things are going to be for the poor slob, wait till off peak
} hours. Thank you.
}                                            The Mgmt
} ========================================================================
} thefuture 1> run marriage -future -happy -predict
} working ....
}  "He's not going to like this. Perhaps you should write something nice
} to the poor schmoe before letting him down gently. For goodness sake,
} don't be a lazy slob and give him the readout raw and right off the
} screen. You know full well what happened the last time you did that.
} Now be a good boy and buffer this garbage."
}
}  READOUT UNCOOKED: The afore mentioned male person will not live to
} see his tenth anniversary with the afore mentioned spouse. The afore
} mentioned spouse will kill him in his sleep.
}
} REASON GIVEN FOR HOMICIDE: "He wouldn't stop doing that annoying
} thing."
}
}  "I realize this is not much to go on so I accessed a time line to try
} and get a better handle on what the 'annoying thing' might be."
}
} 1st Year of Marriage: Remarks to friends that it's cute when he does
}                     it.
} 2nd Year of Marriage: Tells Mother she is learning to love him even
}                     with his faults (presumed annoying thing).
} 3rd Year of Marriage: Remarks to friend that she trys to avoid spouse
}                     when he does the annoying thing.
} 4th year of Marriage: Begins to bring it up in conversation, after
}                     making love.
} 5th year of Marriage: Begins to bring it up at least once a week. Tells
}                     Mother she is losing patience.
} 6th year of Marriage: Explodes at a Company Picnic in front of fellow
}                     employees of the spouse and demands that he "stop
}                     it stop it stop it." No corroborating documentation
}                     is gathered from those present.
} 7th year of Marriage: Demands that he get counseling to stop it once
}                     and for all.
} 8th year of Marriage: Documentation from counselor recommends that they
}                     be separated for safety purposes. There is no
}                     mention of the annoying thing but the counselor
}                     does recommend that the spouse not keep sharp
}                     objects lying around the house.
} 9th year of Marriage: Wife swears in front of family gathering that if
}                     he doesn't stop it right now, he's one dead puppy.
}                     She has to be physically restrained by family
}                     members.
} 9 Years and five
} Months of Marriage: Husband is found by police after call to 911. The
}                     murder weapon is believed to be a bar of Camay
}                     wrapped in a terry cloth towel. Wife is tried and
}                     convicted of 2nd degree manslaughter with special
}                     circumstances and remanded to a state therapeutic
}                     correctional facility, released in three years.
}
} Side note:          Wife remarried, after finishing sentence, to local
}                     Herbalife representative.
}
}  "What a senseless waste of life. If only young people would take the
} time to find out more about each other before they marry. I do have
} a small bit of professional curiosity about that 'annoying thing.'
} Sorry our records were a bit loose. Don't forget to dress this up
} before you let 'you know who' see it."
}
} thefuture 2>exit


335-09    (61223 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is nougat

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm - I note a distinct lack of abasement, which makes me
} reluctant to accellarate my efforts to help you.  I also
} note a shortage of flattery, which I suppose means you're
} not trying to sing your question.  So why should I help you?
}
} Top 10 Oracular Cop-Out "Answers" to "what is nougat"
} 10. What isn't Nougat?
}  9. Peanut smegma.
}  8. A mixture of corn syrup and agar-agar.
}  7. Just like you were told by your peers as a young child, it's
}     monkeysnot.
}  6. What querents who don't treat the Oracle properly get
}     turned into.
}  5. Half an orangutang that's been tossed in a blender.
}  4. Mayonaise that's been left out for too long.
}  3. I don't know, but if you eat enough of it, you'll see Elvis!
}  2. A cheap way to make a bigger candy bar.
} And the number one Oracular Cop-out answer to the alleged
} question "what is nougat" is:
}  1. What the government makes from all those 15lb. blocks of cheese
}     it has sitting around in warehouses that it can't or won't give
}     away.


335-10    (41720 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When we human beings have gone our evolutionary way and become
> extinct..... who will be next in line to inherit the ruling of this
> planet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When the final human breath exhales disgrace
} And pale and trembling shame
} For all the worthless travails of our race
} Whose horror knows no name
} And when the groaning body slumps to earth
} This earth so battered and betrayed
} By beings who were curse`d by their birth
} To never understand the games they played
} The carcass of the now depose`d master
} Will rot and fester, fast and faster
} Swallowed by the hungry jaws of those
} Whose ultimate revenge will be at hand
} The Beasts, the Bugs, the Insects, all the foes
} Of cruel human inhumane command
} Their voices will sing victory at last
} As the hour of freedom now approaches
} When centuries of slavery are passed
} To hail their rightful rulers now, the Roaches.


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