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Internet Oracularities #336

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336, 336-01, 336-02, 336-03, 336-04, 336-05, 336-06, 336-07, 336-08, 336-09, 336-10


Usenet Oracularities #336    (13 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 17 Aug 91 10:39:43 -0500

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336   13 votes 05341 20542 46210 05422 21442 23431 01732 35410 17302 01750
336   2.9 mean  3.1   3.3   2.0   3.1   3.2   2.8   3.5   2.2   2.6   3.3


336-01    (05341 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Now what?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ADD THE BAT WINGS, DOLT!  HURRY!  Sheesh.  Almost screwed it up there.
} Now very carefully stir it with the indigo wand with the pink stripe
} (be VERY sure that it isn't the light blue wand with the salmon
} stripe). Ok, is it bubbling yet?  No?  Good.  Now sneak out of the lab,
} jump in your Yugo and drive to the local International House of
} Pancakes.  Ok, when you realize your Yugo won't make it past the first
} block towards IHOP, hitchhike to Mount Rushmore, climb Lincoln's
} Statue, break off the genuine rock nose hairs, and...
}
} Oh my god, I forgot about the salt.
}
} You owe the Oracle directions to the local bomb shelter.


336-02    (20542 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      Most rightous Oracle dude who we are not worthy to read
> Ecclesiastes to, what hath man?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Most excellent dude.  He hath ...
}
}  1) Created a Home Shopping Network so he can purchase junk without
}     ever having to leave his home.
}
}  2) Created Phone Sex so that he can talk dirty without having to
}     bother with a relationship.
}
}  3) Created a Pizza Chain which will deliver hot and tasty pizza to his
}     door quicker than 911 could ever hope to respond.
}
}  4) Created a Government which can seize his house, his business, his
}     car, all his cash, his credit cards, and the shirt off his back, if
}     a dope sniffing hound finds a twenty year old joint under his
}     floor.
}
}  5) Created an entire Educational System which turns out millions of
}     "graduates" who are dumber than a bag of hammers.
}
}  6) Created an Industry which manufactures adult diapers so he never
}     has to wipe his sphincter and a goofy little thing-a-magig which he
}     can press whenever he falls on his ass.
}
}  7) Created a Pop Music Industry where the primary instrument is a CD.
}
}  8) Created Ted Kennedy (enough said).
}
}  9) Created a cure for feminine moisture problems, cough.
}
} 10) Created a System of Religious Broadcasting so that man will never
}     have to answer for himself the deep questions which he was put on
}     this earth to uncover. Now he can sit back and listen to the likes
}     of Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggart and of course Oral Roberts. Yes,
}     man in his great wisdom gets his answers to "Life the Universe and
}     Everything" from a man named Oral.
}
}  Here's a freebie. I just got word that The Royal Godhead is pissed.
} Armageddon is Friday August 30th. I'd start packing now.
}
} You owe the Oracle something practical.


336-03    (46210 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle!!!  Why all of the recent demand for questioners to grovel
> and suck-up to you?  Is your ego suffering recently?  Has Lisa left you
> for another wiser seer?  Are you upset because there will never be
> another Dallas episode?  Or are you just being ornery?
>
> A supplicant who refuses to kiss up to you...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     In earlier days, you would have been changed immediately into a
} newt (of course you would have gotten better).  However, I am feeling
} much more genorous these days and will, therefore search for an
} answer...
}
} [looking into the history of sucking-up archives ...]
}
}     It would seem that sucking-up has always been a part of human
} nature. I do not actually crave it, but I do require it for your good.
} See footnote under marriage to learn more about sucking-up.
}
}      As for Dallas, there hasn't been a real episode in years anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle Jock's jock.


336-04    (05422 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Utterly Stupendous and Tremendously Non-Heinous Oracle, where does lint
> come from?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lint is a highly toxic by-product created by a certain bacteria, _B.
} libutdon_, as it feeds off cloth fibers. The hot, humid environment
} of clothes dryers is a perfect feeding ground for the bacteria, and
} lint is generated in large quantities in such places.
}
} Lint is extremely dangerous to humans, composed as it is of solid
} germ excrement, and will begin to do highly unpleasant things if
} left in the sun too long: putrefy; sprout leaflike protuberances;
} kill and adopt the shape of close friends; and so on. It is wise
} to avoid skin contact with lint, as lint skin is highly corrosive,
} and under no circumstances should more than 25 grams of lint be
} inhaled directly into the lungs.
}
} You owe the Oracle the address of a good dry cleaners.


336-05    (21442 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most Mighty, who cannot be compared to Ragu- not even Chunky style,
> who, if were a Disney ride, would be an E ticket, who is bigger than
> the biggest breadbox, I beg for knowledge.
>
> Please, O one who has perfectly trimmed nostril hair, tell me: if God
> is everywhere, is he in the toilet?  So is it a sin to flush?
>
> If God is not everywhere, who is hiding under my bed?  And will he or
> she do me favors for money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "And God said, let there be light, and there
}  was light."
}
} "Electric light?"
}
} "No questions during the sermon please! Now,
}  where was I, oh yes, and God divided heaven
}  and Earth..."
}
} "Now hang on a second, I've got a question."
}
} "Oh alright, what?"
}
} "Was the light an electric light?"
}
} "No, it was natural light."
}
} "So my bathroom light is not God's light then."
}
} "I guess not."
}
} "So the light in my bathroom is the light of
}  sin, and God cannot look upon sin, so he
}  must not be in my bathroom. Except when it's
}  dark. But Satan is the creature of darkness
}  so God must never get to my bathroom at all."
}
} "Unless you have stained glass windows..."
}
} "But then the neighbours can see in, or at any
}  rate everyone wants to know what the hell is
}  going on in there."
}
} "OK, you're right, God doesn't come into your
}  bathroom."
}
} "So it's safe to flush?"
}
} "Yes. And I know that means God isn't really
}  omnipresent, but only because he honestly
}  couldn't care less what goes on in your
}  bathroom, stained glass windows or not."
}
} "Thankyou. Now, what about whatever it is that
}  hides under my bed?"
}
} "Oh, her. Her name is Debbie and she does not
}  do favours for money. Only expensive jewelry."
}
} "How do you know?"
}
} "I prayed for the answer. Debbie told me. Now,
}  where was I? Oh yes, and temptation proved
}  too strong..."
}
} (Sermon ends with a bolt of lightning striking
}  down the preacher. The stained glass window
}  breaks too.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a "Best of Jimmy Swaggart" video.


336-06    (23431 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the difference between a Macintosh and an IBM PC?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wonders where you have been all these years. (Actually,
} The Oracle _knows_ where you have been all these years, but sometimes
} The Oracle likes to use common parlance even when it's not strictly
} accurate).
}
} The IBM PC is actually a complicated device for performing various
} kinds of complicated analysis of large amounts of information of
} various kinds. An IBM PC is unlikely to be of much use in the rain,
} and if it were, it wouldn't be of much use for performing various
} kinds of complicated analysis of large amounts of information of
} various kinds afterwards.
}
} You owe the oracle a black umbrella with windows.


336-07    (01732 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   I recently bought a jar of peanut butter, labelled "Super Chunk!"
> Now, I have this uneasy feeling when I'm eating a sandwich that the
> "super chunks" are not actually peanuts.  Is there some basis for my
> fears?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "This is Rus Radic reporting live from the farm of Farmer Bob.  Farmer
} bob grows peanuts for peanut butter.  We are here to investigate
} rumors that the chunks in peanut butter are not actually made out of
} peanuts.  Farmer Bob, can you comment on this?"
}
} "I don't know if I can.  We just grow and sort the peanuts here.  We
} don't know what gets done to them at the factory afterwards."
}
} "You say you grow and sort the peanuts.  How do you sort the peanuts?"
}
} "Well, peanuts sit outdoors all the time, and they get this little
} critters that munch on them.  You know, bugs and such.  Well, we put
} the peanuts into three bins depending on how many bugs are inside the
} shell.  In bin one, we put the nuts that have no bugs.  In bin
} two, we put the nuts that have a small bug or two.  In bin three, we
} put the nuts that have a swarm of bugs inside."
}
} "I see.  What happens to the nuts in the different bins?"
}
} "The factory takes the nuts in bins one and three.  We feed the nuts
} in bin two to the cows.  Cows don't care about bugs, they add protein."
}
} "You say the factory takes the nuts in bin one AND three.  What do you
} think happens to the nuts in bin three?"
}
} "You hit upon a real puzzler there.  Far as I can tell, the only
} things that come OUT of the factory is two kinds of peanut butter:
} smooth and 'Super Chunk!'.  I don't rightly know how they get rid of
} the nuts from bin three."
}
} "This is Rus Radic signing off from another chapter in the nut chunk
} story!  Who knows what sordid facts I'll uncover next week at the
} factory!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a jar of "Super Smooth!" peanut butter.


336-08    (35410 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Between your long morning in bed with Lisa and the golf game in the
> afternoon, could you kindly answer my simple question:
> If the sky and oceans are blue, women drive me grazy and I can't
> remember how to solve a differential equation, when will the third
> world war begin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Since your question is fully dependent on the color of the sky, and
} your hormonal reaction to large chested women, and the status of your
} mathamatical amnesia I will not answer your question.
}
}   First off, the sky is not blue, you just see it that way.   With my
} infanitly superior perceptions, I see the sky as a pastel mauve not the
} hues of blue the rest of you color blind simians see it as.
}
}   Secondly, the only woman who should enrage your hormonal output is
} Lisa, who's toenails you are not worthy of buffing much less polishing.
}
}   Third off, you can remember how to do differential equations, all
} geeks can.  If only you knew that your entire mathmatics system is
} based on a incorrect premise ... Oh well, some day you will learn.
}
}    Due to these three facts, your question can not be answered by the
} oracle.


336-09    (17302 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did you eat all the Cracklin' Oat Bran?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Um.  Er.  Hmm..  Hang on a second.
}
} Lisa?  Hey Lisa!  (*THUMP* as Lisa tries to stand up, discovers she's
} been tied to the bed in her sleep, and falls back down)
} (Groggily)  Huh?
}
} Did you eat all the Crackling Oat Bran?
}
} How could I in this position?
}
} Oh.  Um.  Er.  Good point.  Hm....  I guess I DID, then.
} You owe the Oracle a truckload of Crackling Oat Bran and a new matress.


336-10    (01750 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's my True Name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Okay class, we're now going to enter another lesson in your path to
} Oracle-dom.
}
} When people ask you really stupid questions that they obviously know
} the answer to, what do you do?  You... down in the back...  Your
} answer?
}
} -Uhh.  Tell them the answer anyway?
}
} Nooo.  That would be telling.  Anyone else?  You, in the navy-blue
} sweater.
}
} -Infest their nostrils with small furry rodents?
}
} Noo, that's what you do when they poke fun at Lisa.  How about you?
}
} -Make them look really stupid in front of the world?
}
} Exactly!  Now then.  How do we answer a question like "What's my True
} Name?"
}
} -Boy, are you dumb!
}
} No.  Too direct.  Anyone else?
}
} -I've got one!
}
} Take it!
} -------------
}
} The Oracle replies!
}
} Your True Name is the same one that's stiched in your Underwear.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of Hanes, cuz I don't wear Fruit of the Loom!


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