[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:24:29 GMT

Internet Oracularities #337

Goto:
337, 337-01, 337-02, 337-03, 337-04, 337-05, 337-06, 337-07, 337-08, 337-09, 337-10


Usenet Oracularities #337    (14 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 19 Aug 91 08:04:58 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   200
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

337   14 votes 12614 52232 52610 32630 15233 35510 13532 18320 48110 25223
337   2.7 mean  3.4   2.6   2.2   2.6   3.1   2.3   3.1   2.4   1.9   2.9


337-01    (12614 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Have you ever noticed that people space out a lot? I mean, they'll
> get this faraway gaze and then a blank stare...as if they are
> not even there. I've always been curious...when people leave like
> that...where do they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I have spent untold hours contemplating your question, after
} having consumed enormous quantities of Pepsi and Fruit Loops to
} prepare myself for this most arduous intellectual journey.
} Thus begins my response:
}
} To fully appreciate the answer to your question, you must first
} understand the strange and subtle marraige of superstring theory
} and relativistic quantum mechanics that is modern physics.
} As this is a fairly complex subject, especially for those not
} endowed with the Oracle's formidable wisdom, I shall attempt to
} explain it with a simple experiment:
}
} First, find the biggest commercial clothes dryer that you can.
}
} (...The Oracle likes the big green one in the corner of Ed's
} Wash 'n Whirl, the famous DC laundry and square dance emporium,
} but does not imagine that a trip to our nation's capitol will
} be required to carry out the experiment...)
}
} Bring along a friend with a fistful of quarters, but by all means
} don't eat lunch before you leave.  Your friend may, if he or she
} wishes, have a small piece of fruit beforehand, though this is
} not usually necessary.  Carefully climb into the empty dryer,
} close the door, and ask your friend to insert $7.50 into the
} machine and set it at it's warmest level.  Look at your watch,
} and note the time carefully.  Ask your friend to start the dryer.
}
} As soon as the dryer reaches it's operating temperature and speed,
} you may notice an unusual effect explainable only by the theories
} mentioned previosly.  Assuming you remain concious, and that
} you can continue the experiment for a sufficiently long time
} (estimates range from the age of the Universe at the high end
} to the length of time required to translate the Koran into Pig
} Latin at the low end), you will become aware of a multitude of
} tiny, fuzzy objects striking you in the face.
}
} As time passes, you will find that these minute particles, called
} "hosons", grow in size until they become recognizable as swarms
} of socks.  A special corollary to the Pauli Exclusion Priciple,
} known as the "Hane's Law", states that no two of these particles
} can be identical.  They are, in fact, every sock that has ever
} gone into a dryer and not come out again.  Incidentally, the
} Oracle hopes that this puts to rest persistant rumors that Elvis
} has been stealing these socks and selling them to raise money for
} his comeback tour.  How silly.
}
} Thus, gentle reader, is the answer:  just as hosons can appear
} from out of the void, so too can people with too many socks enter
} into it.  Let this be a lesson to you, and to all hosiery fanciers
} everywhere:  Not only does God play dice with the Universe, She
} doesn't want you to have more socks than she does.  So there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Pepto Bismol, and a dog-eared copy
} of "A Brief History of Time".
}
} this incarnation of the Oracle brought to you by:
}          ferrick@acsu.buffalo.edu


337-02    (52232 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can I find my love?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 50 Possible answers to the Question : Where can I find my love?
}
} 1.   I Didn't know you lost it.
} 2.   Where did you last use it?
} 3.   I thought YOU tied it to the flagpole.
} 4.   Do you think the Neighbors Borrowed it.
} 5.   I don't know, but if its not here in 30 minutes its free.
} 6.   Under a rock.
} 7.   Masterbating with a chainsaw behind the woodshed.
} 8.   With your marbles.
} 9.   In the bathroom, next to the newspaper.
} 10.  It wasn't on my list, but the Supermarket had it.
} 11.  Deep within yourself.
} 12.  Deep within someone else.
} 13.  In your work.
} 14.  On a plane leaving for Rio.  4th row-left. Window seat.
} 15.  In a bottle of Monty's Mezcal.
} 16.  In money.
} 17.  In other people's money.
} 18.  In prison.
} 19.  In sports.
} 20.  In prison-sports.
} 21.  In All the Wrong Places.
} 22.  The Red-light district of Rome.
} 23.  In chocolate.
} 24.  In raindrops.
} 25.  In gumdrops.
} 26.  Next to the Boiled Squid in the 'frige.
} 27.  By collecting guns.
} 28.  In bowling alleys.
} 29.  In the discovery of new scientific breakthru's.
} 30.  In a man who calls himself, Homer.
} 31.  I traded it for some magic beans.
} 32.  Have you looked through the trash?
}      -Maybey you tossed it out be mistake.
} 33.  Well how should I know I'm not its keeper.
} 34.  Look down in the crack of the sofa.
} 35.  Maybey you forgot to seal the baggie and it evaporated.
} 36.  Probably out getting drunk.  (See Number 15)
} 37.  North by North North-South-East.
} 38.  Under Peter Pipers pickled pepper.
} 39.  Don't know but theres plenty of phone numbers on this bathroom
}      wall...
} 40.  In a : Telescope, roof, and 4th story open girls dormitory
}      window.
} 41.  In a Forest full of naked people.
} 42.  By stealing somebody elses.  (See Number 18)
} 43.  I think I just saw it go driving over that cliff there...
} 44.  Outside barking at the moon.
} 45.  By calling random phone numbers, and finding someone who doesn't
}      hang-up.
} 46.  Ask your mom and dad.
} 47.  You mean YOU DON'T KNOW?
} 48.  In a little crooked house, by a little crooked road, there was
}      a...
} 49.  In the dictionary under "L"
} 50.  In a Thesaurus next to Agony, hell, torment, suffering...
}
} You owe the Oracle a pack of Camel-Lights.         (Smooth Character)


337-03    (52610 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quite thoughtful Oracle, I keep having this dream
>
> All, right, I sent that bum to go do some work. I'm his manager, and
> I'm tired of him wasting all day playing silly games and writing
> letters. So, listen up, whoever you are, and knock it off! If I
> find out Hinkle has been reading electronic mail from you or any
> other of his packrat college buddies on MY time, I'll have the FBI
> on your butt for interfering with computers purchased with government
> money. Do you savvy?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Hmm...one moment, please.  Yo, God!
}
} * msg from GOD, user [infinity] on ACAD
}
}      Yeah?
}
}      God, we've got a cretin here.  Could you zap him for me, I'm kinda
}      busy.
}
} * msg from GOD, user [infinity] on ACAD
}
}      Sure, no prob.
}
} faba-Daba-ZAP!  ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT!
}
}      You owe the Oracle absolutely nothing, since you're already a
} crispy critter.  Do you savvy?


337-04    (32630 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       I've got plenty of vacation time lined up for next year, so do
> you think it would be a good idea for me to run for the Democratic
> nomination for U.S. President?  I mean, NOBODY ELSE IS...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, from my observations, I can tell you wouldn't be qualified to be
} president...but then again, NO ONE ELSE IS, not even the slobs who've
} already been President.  Go for it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Frank Zappa for President button.


337-05    (15233 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, whose toe jam I am not even worthy to put on
> buttered toast, and whose dingleberries I am not even worthy to
> clip from your rear to make it more comfortable for you to sit in an
> easy chair to answer questions from draggletail guttersnipe such as
> my highly unworth self, please answer me this most important question.
>
> How many dogs would a cat dog do, if a cat dog could do dogs, not to
> mention if these cat dogs were doing stealing from fish stores and
> cat nip stores?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Everyone knows that, if a cat dog could dog cats, a cat dog would dog
} all the cats he could dog. From this it follows, by taking the negative
} complex conjugate, that if a dog cat won't cat all the dogs she could
} cat, then a dog cat can't cat dogs. Since cat(1) is far from a
} privileged function, a dog cat CAN cat dogs, and therefore the
} predicate is false. We have begun with a true statement, however; the
} only logical conclusion is that we do not always mean "dog" when we
} write "dog" and "cat" when we write "cat." Note that selectively
} substituting "catch" for "cat" in the proposition yields "If a dog cat
} won't catch all the dogs she could catch." Inverting one last time
} produces, "A cat dog would do all the cats he could do," where "do" is
} the logical conjugate of "catch." It therefore falls out that a cat dog
} would do no dogs, if a cat dog could do dogs, because the cat dog would
} be too busy doing cats.
}
} You wisely rejected the red herring of the fish stores, since it is
} generally known that cat bait can't bait cats.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hot dog with extra catsup.


337-06    (35510 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is happening to the computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The computer is gradually taking over our lives.  For example,
} have you noticed how much you worry when your computer fails
} to do what you want it to ?  The boxes are getting smaller and
} smaller, the chips get more and more components, the memories
} get bigger and bigger.  And they get more and more sympathy
} from us.  Have you seen your partner in the last week ? No,
} of course not. You have spend the time trying to get that
} funny symbol to print on the laser printer.  Last time
} the screen went unexpectedly dark and the keyboard locked up,
} you gave it aspirin. Poured into the floppy disk drive.
} The computers take no notice anyway. They are just boxes
} of transistors (sometimes, very WET transistors).
}
} The question is not, "what is happening to the computer",
} rather "what is happening to the human race". Of course,
} it's not my place to _ask_ questions.
}
} You owe The Oracle 16Mb of extended memory and a Laser Printer.


337-07    (13532 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I'm moving away from the area I've lived in for 23 years, and am about
> to start a new life in a new town with a new career.  Do you have any
> advice for me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Don't trust them.  The Federal Witness Protection Program is not
} what its cracked up to be.
}
} You owe the Oracle grovelling testimony.


337-08    (18320 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Jon Monsarrat "Dr. Who" <drwho@ATHENA.MIT.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dave Barry wrote in an article a month ago or so that the sound of an
> arrow going through someone's neck while they were talking would result
> in a sound similar to 'GAAAAAAAACK' (ex. '...where the deer and the
> antelope plGAAAAAAAACK!').  Is this true?  Or is the sound a little
> more complicated?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's see. Locate a mortal suitable for this...hmmmm....m?..no...
} mm. Ok. Find my bow....arrow...
} transcript follows]
} here mortal turns to
} face arrow, providing exposure of proper anatomy, saying ...antelope
} pl-] huhwhatthehellaaaaaau
} schwop!
} brlbbrblbrlbblehelbrpmebrlbrHEbrlLPblMEbrbr   blrb bbl
} thwump. gack brlack aarrrrllb.
} heylookithtatsomedudejustgothitbyanarrowintheneckohmygodheyyoucall911!
} rufflerufflerufflemanthisguysgottohundredbucksinhiswalletquickrunthecops
} wweeeeeooooowwwweeeoooowwwweeeooowwweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeoem.
} pause] heyhiswalletslyingthere
}          andallthemoneysgonethosebastardscumbucket-
} shityertrapandlookfercreditcardsthencomeon.....
} click!
} Sorry, I stopped the recording a little late.
}
} You Owe the Oracle CNN's album Greatest Hits of Desert Storm.


337-09    (48110 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Macho Being,
>     I really need your most wise and most awesome advise.
> Just what is in mystery meat and does it cause any long term health
> problems.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     There are 110 ingredients in mystery meat.  Unfortunately, the
} mention of the first 100 of the would cause instant vomitting
} (sometimes until death graciously takes you away).  The ten least
} common and least gross are:
}
} 1. Re-re-recycled beatle-caps (a slice of bologna flavored mystery meat
}    covered with mashed potatoes and topped with melted cheese for the
}    cafeteria illiterate)  Note: don't ask the Oracle where the first
}    mystery meat came originated.  I am fully aware that it is an
}    ingredient in itself. Remember I know what the other things are, and
}    if you annoy me, you might find out.
} 2. Sewer sludge
} 3. The entire contents of that garbage barge from NY city that
}    travelled the country
} 4. 2 eggs
} 5. Grubs
} 6. The black stuff that accumulates in your garbage can if you forget
}    to clean it out.
} 7. Toe jam
} 8. One Vax 11/750 combined with a PDP 8
} 9. Prunes
} and last but not least...
} 10. The collective vomit of everyone who has ever found out what any of
}     the other 100 ingredients were.
}
}     As for long term health risks, stay away from the school cookbook
} and you survive.
}
}     You owe the Oracle a list of the 100 nastiest thing you ever ate.


337-10    (25223 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Fully Booted Oracle, thy Wisdom so deep as the C, thy Knowledge so
> widespread as the UNIX and thy Intelligence so understandable as thy
> Holy Assembly Language,
>
> what should I ask you as my last question if my account is not
> prolonged any more?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Silly girl, you should ask me how to prolong your account, of course!
}
} Nobody should be without email.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org