} Recent archaeological expeditions to Las Vegas and Nashville speak for
} themselves. Translate from Aramaic, here are
} The Ten Elvish Commandments
} I am Elvis thy King, which have brought thee out of the land of swing,
} out of the house of drudgery.
} 1. Thou shalt have no other teen idols before me. Thou shalt not make
} unto thee any wax record, or any likeness of any music that is in
} heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water
} beneath the earth, unless it is music that I hath brought to thee.
} Yea, for every CD, tape, yea, even every LP and 8-track tape that I
} have brought to thee is the only musical representation that thou shalt
} 2. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to any other idols, nor go to their
} concerts; for I Elvis am a jealous King, visiting the iniquity of the
} mothers and fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth
} generation of them that hate me; And shewing mercy unto thousands of
} them that love me, and buy my records and momentos, and watch my
} movies, and keep my commandments.
} 3. Thou shalt not the name of the King in vain; for the King will not
} hold them guiltless that taketh his name in vain. They shall toil for
} ruthless promotion companies and be forced to write novelty songs for
} all their days.
} 4. Remember the sabbath day, and keep it free for movie screenings and
} recordings of Elvis thy King.
} 5. Honour thy father and thy mother, but don't be a mama's boy.
} 6. Thou shalt not kill.
} 7. Thou shalt not be cruel to a heart that's true.
} 8. Thou shalt lay off thy neighbor's blue suede shoes.
} 9. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor, for it is
} not a cool thing.
} 10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house, thou shalt not covet thy
} neighbor's wife, nor his car, nor his surfboard, nor his promoter, nor
} his prescription drugs, nor his ass, nor his pelvis, nor any thing that
} is thy neighbor's.
} You owe the Oracle an issue of the National Enquirer.