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Internet Oracularities #34

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Usenet Oracularities #34
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 27 Oct 89 01:01:51 GMT

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34-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do you think of Oracle Corporation assuming your name?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think there's a good fit!
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle, also omnipresent and slower 'an hell!


34-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> can a discipline (like mathematics) feel pain?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Not only can a discipline feel pain, but it _enjoys_ pain.
}   Especially mathematics.  Mathematics (one of the New Gods, a
}   bunch that The Oracle rather prefers not to associate with.
}   They just don't have that verve that the Old Gods had.) enjoys
}   pain so much that it requires is disciples (mathematicians) to
}   practice sadomasochism, self-torture, and marathon TV sessions
}   of Three's Company reruns in their spare time.  If you know
}   any mathematicians, you may notice that they never let you
}   examine their closets.
}
}   Other disciplines that enjoy pain are:
}
}         Rotational Physics
}         Power Engineering
}         Manhole Cover Design
}         Televangelism
}         Oracle Priesthod (this is the BIG one)
}
}   You owe the Oracle a copy of Zoltowski's Calculus with Analytic
}   Geometry 2nd Edition and the answers to every odd numbered problem (no
}   copying from the answer manuals) done in base 63.


34-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Will it rain tomorrow, in the city where I live?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes.  When you go outside, take a raincoat, an umbrella, a pair of
} galoshes and a medical ID bracelet.  The first three items are for the
} rain.  The fourth is for the bus.
}
} You owe the Oracle a crosswalk.


34-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the *real* square root of -1?  Don't give me any of this
> letter-of- the-alphabet business!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn it Jim! I'm an Oracle, not a mathematician!
}
} You owe the Oracle the Theme From an Imaginary Western.


34-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can I have a job ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, you may not have a job.  You must go out and wrest one away from
} somebody.  Or perhaps you can sweet talk one out of somebody.
}
} Try this:  find the nearest bingo game tonight.  If you do not smoke
} cigarettes, wear the clothes you like the least.  Go to the bingo game,
} buy 2 packs of 6-up cards, and don't forget your marker.  Carefully
} listen to every word the bingo caller utters and watch every move that
} he makes.
}
} Since you were completely fixated on the caller, you forgot to mark your
} cards and won nothing.  So go home and practice the bingo calling you
} learned in front of a mirror.  Careful!  Remember that the expert bingo
} caller never makes any sudden moves.  Slow and easy.
}
} Now think to yourself:  "Who is that old geezer anyway and why should HE
} have that plum job?" March down to the organization that put on that
} bingo game and demand an audition.  As soon as they see your smooth
} moves and hear your crystal-clear-almost-Frank-Sinatra-ish diction, the
} job will be yours.
}
} The Oracle is pleased to be of assistance.
}
} Oh, by the way, bingo is put on only by volunteer organizations, so you
} will be a volunteer bingo caller, not a paid one.  Getting paid turns
} out to be more complex.  But getting a job, that is doable.


34-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and powerful voice of universal wisdom, I am in need of your
> scholarly advice. So far today, I've read all the Usenet news, played
> 15 games of tetris, checked with the WDHA concert hotline, taken a two
> hour lunch, made some popcorn, collected my paycheck, fed the dog and
> rotated the tires on my car. What am I supposed to do between now and
> quitting time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ask your secretary to bring you those reports you were going to look
} over this week.  When you get them, sit and stare at them for about a
} half hour.  Finally, when you regain consciousness, stretch and walk
} about the room, rereading for the 79th time the words on that bowling
} trophy you have on your shelf which everyone hates.  Finally, get back
} to the desk, wad up three or four of the reports, and see how many shots
} you can make into the wastebasket from fifteen feet.  Of course, if
} you're really bored, you could always do some WORK, but I think you can
} find better uses for your time.


34-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I find true enlightenment?  Will it help me to survive midterms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Constipation is one way of finding true enlightenment.  You cannot help
} but feel it's weight, as you do the weight of the world.  Throughout the
} day, it is with you, coloring your judgement of everything, making you
} kick small animals, yell at your beloved, and eat TV dinners instead of
} filet mignon.
}
} Then, one day, you escape it's grasp!  At once comes a great feeling of
} release, as if all the world's cares have fallen from your shoulders!
} All is once more light and truth, as it was when you were a child!
} Ahhhhhh!
}
} A good crap will not only help you get through midterms by it's sheer
} release, but will also give you some good ideas for answering questions!
}
} You owe the Oracle three rolls of toilet paper and a stack of National
} Geographics.


34-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that all the young people are wearing black these days?
> What do THEY have to mourn, anyway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} oy, the things they think they have to mourn!  they mourn the having to
} watch of the rock all the time.  the having to watch the rock in the
} morning on the radio!  the having to watch the rock in the evening at
} the party!  so very much the having to watch the rock, never the folk
} melody sweet of the home country!  they mourn the having to take so much
} of the sex, always the sex, never the time with the homework or with the
} sleep, always the having to take of the sex.  they mourn not having the
} horse pleasant for to ride, the beans and cabbages good of the simple
} life!  much is they have for to mourn, now!


34-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am doing a thesis on the significance of Tannanananagorism in
> Betelgeusean political theory.  Could you please recommend some
> literature on the subject?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Blortwick's _On Funny Movements With Long Names_ comes immediately to
} mind.  (Glob from Hell press, 2013 -- a bit old, but still a classic,
} and never mind that it was published before Tannanananagore was born, it
} has very good coverage of Tannanananagorism.)
}
} Other sources:
}
} 2. Pish Chow's _Tannanananagorism_.  You don't have to read more than
}    the first fourty-five volumes.  Deterministic House Press.
}
} 3. Bloody Bat's _Betelgeuse: An Agony in Eight Fits_.  Little, Brown.
}
} 4. Mr. the Toad's _The Red Star_.  Klassik Komiks Ink.
}
} 5. anon. _Sandra the Sex-Starved Slut from Saturn_, E. J. Wiley.
}
} 6. Caroll, Lewis. _Alice in Wonderland_  (lots of editions.)


34-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Which is better background music for a seduction: Mozart or Dr. Lizard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In a typical Mozart composition, exposition comes early, is quickly
} repeated, followed by thematic development and leading into a fast and
} furious cadenza.  You can usually count on two or three climaxes in each
} piece.  With two hundred years of the classical tradition behind you,
} why would you want to try anything else?


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