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Internet Oracularities #341

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341, 341-01, 341-02, 341-03, 341-04, 341-05, 341-06, 341-07, 341-08, 341-09, 341-10


Usenet Oracularities #341    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 27 Aug 91 11:02:40 -0500

*** I'm going to be off the net for the next week, so the next issue
*** of the Usenet Oracularities will be coming out the latter half of
*** next week sometime.  In the meantime, the Oracle should continue
*** to function as normal.                              Steve Kinzler

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   341
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

341   22 votes 68350 57640 2a541 65533 37453 16690 02947 15862 24754 26842
341   2.9 mean  2.3   2.4   2.6   2.6   2.9   3.0   3.7   3.1   3.2   2.9


341-01    (68350 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Samson write home?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      "Fine!  You want to know about Mr. Samson, then fine, so be it!
} Let me fish out my crystal ball here .  .  .  ah-ha!  Here it is!  Okay
} .  .  .  look in here for a while and you'll have your answer!"
}      The smoke inside the crystal ball churned about, finally clearing,
} revealing a scene.  .  .  .
}
}      "Samson!" came the shrill hoot.
}      Samson, 10 years old, looked up from his comic book.  In annoyance,
} he responded, "What, ma?!"
}      "Come here and finish your vegetables!  Don't you want to grow up
} to be big and strong and able to write home about all your adventures
} with monsters, seas, forests, and women?!  You wouldn't want to let your
} mother down now would you?  Ever since the Burning in '38, I've just
} been dying to get my hands on some gory literature!  Now get in here!"
}
}      As Samson's mother forced vegetables and protein-rich food down his
} throat on a regular basis, he grew.  And grew.  And grew.  Soon he was
} big.  Large.  Huge.  Gigantic.  Titanic.  Soon he was 229'5'' tall,
} weighing in at about three and a half tons.  The vegetables worked.
}      But, there was only one problem.  Since Samson's mother made him
} stay home from school just to eat, he never got the proper education.
} Hell, he never got a brain.
}
}      "Well, son, I think you're big enough to finally go out on your own
} now!  Now I want you to go out there and return with some perfectly sick
} stories for me!  You got that?!  Now git!"
}      "Gee ma!  Do I hav't ta?"
}      "Yes!  Shoo!"
}      So Samson went out into the world.  He kicked over mountains, swam
} the seas, jumped into space and held his breath for a while.  But he
} knew that his Mom wanted something really keen to make her chops
} salivatate.  All the stuff he had done wouldn't be worth writing about.
} He had to think of something good, or else he wasn't going to write
} home.  But one day, he did.
}      Sitting on top of a small village, he ingested the the formula; a
} brew one of the local witch doctors deep in the heart of Africa had
} given him to cure baldness.  He took a good bath in the nearest lake and
} fell asleep in a large glade under the moon.  When he woke up the the
} next morning, he found that his baldness had been cured.  But that's not
} the only thing.  .  .  .
}      A passerby stopped and gazed at Samson.  "King kong!" he muttered
} upon the sight of Samson.  Little did Samson know that "king kong" was
} from an ancient tribal dialect.  It meant, "holy shit." The passerby ran
} back to his village, screaming, "King kong!  King kong!" Soon the whole
} continent had gone ape with the words.  Samson was becoming famous.
}      "Dear Mom," he wrote one afternoon.  "Me find really hot babe and
} going to America on cruise ship.  Me thinks a candlelight dinner on the
} roof of big building be romantic, you think?  Me let you know when me
} score big with girly!  -- Samson"
}
}      The rest is history.
}
}      You owe the oracle a 400 ounce stick of deodorant.


341-02    (57640 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Great Oracle who spans both time and space, please tell me.
>
> Does Uranus have an aroma?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If ever lost in space, you location you might tell
} by deducing the composure of the fragrance that you smell.
}
} The disturbing odor of unkept cheese will tell the moon's below
} I've been told that Pluto's is as Goofy as you'll know
}
} You'll know when you're on Earth because the smells are blocked by smog
} (Our pencils come from Venus 'cause we've long run out of logs)
}
} The nicest smells from Mars, they are of chocolate and of nuts.
} And Uranus holds the captured scent of a billion human butts.
}
} You owe the oracle three packs of scratch 'n' sniff stickers.


341-03    (2a541 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> int main(void) { while(1) fork() ; } /* ? */

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} chill(1), dude.


341-04    (65533 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, nice-n-easy, New and Improved with a satisfaction guaranteed
> refund, smartly-dressed, totally together Oracle: Which came first, the
> fried chicken or the Egg McMuffin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Greetings miserable sniveling supplicant.  I'm on vacation.  In my]
} [place you will find a highly trained and motivated substitute     ]
} [oracle apprentice.                              -The Usenet Oracle]
}
} Wow, man.  Like -- a question!  Ok, I remember what to do... mumble
} mumble new and improved mumble smartly dressed mumble mumble.  Oh, wow.
} Like that's a hard one, you know?  But like, wasn't Col. Sanders here
} like WAY before this whole McNugget scene?  Fur sure!
}
} Like, that's it, you know?  Wait!  I get to like, ask for anything I
} want! So, like, you owe the Oracle a totally gnarly wave, and like a
} bitchen' babe who's totally impressed when I shoot the tube.  Like,
} wow!


341-05    (37453 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who makes it doesn't need it.
> Who buys it doesn't want it.
> Who uses it doesn't notice it.
> What is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Simple, a Macintosh.
}
} The people who make Mac know computers and don't need the "simplicity".
} The people who buy Mac don't know computers and are afraid of them, and
} therefore don't want them.
} Mac users are too brain dead to notice much anyway, they just sit
} around and mousterbate.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Cray running X-windows and you owe it to yourself
} to take a course in self-abasement.  I won't be so nice next time.


341-06    (16690 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold-400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does 'cunnilingus' mean ? Why isn't this word in the dictionary ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My oh my...the students are returning, aren't they.  Okay, I can see
} that you are a freshman and have recently discovered The Oracle, so
} I'll answer your question with as much grace as possible.
}
} It means sticking your tongue in a very exciting hole and seeing sparks
} and tasting the likes of what you have never experienced in your life,
} while hearing sounds that will make your head echo for days.
}
} This is the experience of putting your tongue in the light bulb socket
} of a lamp that is plugged in and turned on.
}
} It is in the disctionary, under 'handyman.'
}
} You owe the oracle a VHS recording of you taking a pee on an electric
} fence.


341-07    (02947 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wondiferous Oracle, who's toejam is unto ambrosia, enlighten this
> mere mortal.
>
> Do the Democrats have a snowball's chance in heck in '92?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Jack, I'm standing on the capital steps right now.  As you are aware,
} what happens in the next few minutes could change the face of American
} politics for the next century."
}
} "We've got you live, Jack.  Continue."
}
} "This has got to be the closest race ever run, amazing for any
} election, but especially astounding for the Presidential race."
}
} "Jack, we're having problems with our satellite feed.  We'll get back
} to you as soon as possible...  Right now, let's check in with our
} studio guest, a noted political analyst.  Welcome, Jack."
}
} "Thanks, Jack."
}
} "Jack, what do you make of all this?"
}
} "Well, it's absolutely astounding.  First, there was Bush's
} assassination by the radical Broccoli-Growers Liberation Front, which
} was followed by the slightly unusual nomination of Dan Quayle..."
}
} "What's so unusual about that?"
}
} "He's a dork."
}
} "That hasn't stopped people from getting elected before..."
}
} "True.  I guess everyone is a little disoriented by the Democratic
} nomination of Snowball from George Orwell's 'Animal Farm.'"
}
} "Sure was a shock."
}
} "Yes, but perfectly constitutional, according to the Supreme Court."
}
} "He had some troubles though, didn't he, Jack."
}
} "If you're talking about the fact that most people believe that he
} symbolized Trotsky's part in the Russian Revolution, I think he
} downplayed that very well..."
}
} "And now he's neck and neck with Quayle..."
}
} "Right."
}
} "Excuse me, Jack, but I've just got word that we've reestablished
} contact with Jack in Washington, D.C.  Go ahead, Jack..."
}
} "Thanks, Jack.  Well, it was a close one.  The vote was tied up to the
} final district, a place called "Heck's Cove" in Hawaii.  But the vote
} showed that the American public was indeed in support of..."
}
} You owe the Oracle an Independent candidate.


341-08    (15862 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh massively all-telling and well-meaning Oracle most wildly brilliant,
> whose tonsilses are like unto hysterical woks, please, I beg of you
> answer for this weasel this hard question.   Who wrote the Piscataway
> phone book?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The Oracle considers the Piscataqua River Most Sacred and the mere
} mention of it by mortals gets His/Her Panties in a Real Bunch, but I
} will be merciful. Any use of the Sacred Name, or any name which is
} spelled close enough to it, falls under the Immortal Copyright
} Infringement Act (tm).
}
}  The Great River (as it is known in heaven - New Hampshire) is the
} source of all that is considered intelligent life. You see, my child,
} that whole Adam and Eve business was just a test. Let me see if I can
} put it into terms you will understand. Ever make pancakes? The Big O
} loves em, can't get enough. Well, when you make pancakes, ever notice
} that the first one never seems to come out right? Either the grill
} isn't hot enough or you used too much butter, that's what the bottom of
} the stack is there for. Unlike breakfast, humanity is much more
} complicated. Once a starter species has begun, you can't shove them
} under the stack, so to speak.
}
}  Next thing you know, you've got Club MTV, Good Morning America, Coke
} Vs. Pepsi, Nuttin Honey, Reebok Pumps, 30 Something, Jessie Helms, Ron
} and Nancy, Big Hair, Fake Russian Revolutions, Yugos, Smurfs, Lee Press
} on Nails, The Home Shopping Network, Jim and Tammy, Commercials that
} last an hour, More Workout Tapes than you could shake a dead Marketing
} Executive at, VH1, Nuclear Waste, and Ninety Years of Cosby Reruns, to
} name but a few blots on the face of the once beautiful Mother Earth.
} But through it all the Mighty Piscataqua flows, in her gentle strength,
} waiting for the day when the Gods call a new people forth from her
} bosom, about two seconds after they sweep away the old one like a
} cosmic dustbuster on a used Kleenex. Then the Earth will be made whole
} again and a people will be born to rule upon it who actually support
} Public Television, without the need for a yearly beg-o-thon. Yes, the
} end is coming, or rather the beginning. Don`t invest in long term CD's,
} if you get my Most Holy Drift.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a sense of purpose for your life; and quit thinking
} about telephone books. They're all going to be put on a damn computer
} some day.
}
}       Chow Babe.


341-09    (24754 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when I finger your account on iuvax, it tells me you've
> never logged in?  What's the deal?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you silly mortal!  You fail to understand the miraculousness of my
} being.
}
} I do not LOG in, I simply AM.  Okay, for you, I'll share this very
} secret bit of wisdom, but in return, well, that will come at the end...
}
} In the beginning I was a simple shell script, hence, I was run as an
} executable collection of commands, which resulted in innocent child
} processes.  Later I became a fully fledged, demand paged executable
} daemon.
}
} I have since been promoted to a supreme diety, whereby I can circumvent
} the login requirement for mere mortals.  I now exist purely as a mail
} server (and female server) where all I have to do is, in essence,
} listen for requests and provide answers from my vast number of
} resources.
}
} You must be the ignoramous that tried to 'talk oracle@iuvax' the other
} day. Ha!
}
} Boy, that sure had us rolling!  Thanks for the entertainment.
}
} I now warn you to never, Never, NEVER, ***NEVER*** try to 'finger' me
} again.
}
} Got that?!  Lisa is the only one allowed to finger the Great Oracle, as
} she has called it, as well as other cute names...but that's another
} story.
}
} You owe the oracle 8 hours of nonstop groveling.


341-10    (26842 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I only wish to know one thing, Oh great and funky Oracle:
>
> If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day,
>
>    1) Why are there locks on the doors?
>    2) Why are they called 7-11's in the first place?
>
> Ok, so I wish to know two things.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) To ensure a fire hazard.
} 2) I'm not sure, but it _must_ have something to do with the
} Illuminati.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology.  No one likes a wiseguy.


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