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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most fragrant Oracle, please answer my small enquiry. > > Is there theory that covers the reason why politicians are all > slime-balls and idiots?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The first poloticophysicist to come up with a proof for the Helms } theorem died in a bizarre accident:  he apparently fell feet-first } into a block of concrete and then, while trying to return home, got } lost and fell off of a fishing pier where he drowned.  That same } evening, in an amazing coincidence, his house and office burned } to the ground and most of the materials pertaining to this proof } were tragically destroyed.  We have attempted to reconstruct this } proof, and present here the results of painstaking research (not } to mention the great expense of police protection): } } The Helms Theorem:  All politicians are slime-balls and idiots } } This requires a divergent proof.  Initially, we shall prove that all } politicians are idiots by informal definition: } } 1) All politicians are either Democrats, Republicans, Independents, or }    members of a fringe party. } } 2) Dan Quayle, the Vice-President of the United States, is a certified }    idiot. He is also a Republican. } } 3) Therefore, all Republicans are idiots according to the Party }    Leadership Postulate: Any politician who takes orders from an idiot }    can likewise be judged an idiot. } } 4) All Democrats are idiots.  Any politician who stands behind Fritz }    Mondale in a presidential election should be taken outside and shot. } } 5) All "other" politicians are REAL idiots: What is the point of }    running for office under some obscure party banner when you have no }    chance in hell of being elected? } } The second part of the proof can be handled one of two ways: First of } all, } } BANG BANG BANG! } } Excuse me for a moment.... } #@$^#^#%&$%&$&$%&$&%$%&$%&$^$#%^$^%$$%^^ } } We interrupt this message for a word from your friend and mine, the } United States Government. } } YOU ARE A HAPPY PERSON } WE ARE DOING GOOD THINGS FOR YOU. } WE HAVE ALWAYS DONE GOOD THINGS FOR YOU } ... } (ETC.)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <ching! ching! whoosh! leap!> } } An honor to duel you, Inigo Montoya.  I'm the Usenet Oracle.  You } didn't ask a question and you didn't grovel.  Prepare to die. } } <clang!  twirl!  parry 3, parry 4, parry 5> } } What?   I told you, I'm the Usenet Oracle.  I've heard of this } Prince Humperdinck but I don't know why you'd confuse me with him. } } <clank!  slice!  bleed... > } } Ooops, sorry about that.  I do have to defend myself when you } come at me with a sword, after all.  Now what's this about your } father? } } <dodge!  turn!  parry!  spin!  dodge!  ha!  thrust!  ptoiiing> } } I honestly don't know what you think this has to do with me. } Even if I did kill him, I'm sure I had a very good reason. } } <whack!  pft pft pft pft> } } I cut your arm off.  What are you gonna do?  Bleed on me? } } <dismember slap slap slap punt!> } } Bite my knees off, indeed.  I see no point in continuing this } duel. } } You owe the Oracle a date with Princess Buttercup.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh cancel-proof Oracle, whose Nielsen ratings are off the scale, will > HDTV ever catch on in America?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not until they stop saturating the market with Low IQTV.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the top ten opinions about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, well.  You really want to know this?? } The Oracle consulted ten diety pals and received the following opinions } of you. They are presented in no particular order, the gods wouldn't } like it if I showed favoritism. } } 1.  I've known smarter jellyfish. }                               - Neptune, god of the seas } } 2.  Should be fried until crispy and black. }                               - Ra, god of the sun } } 3.  Lazy, good-for-nothing, slob. }                               - Vulcan, god of metallurgy and anvils } } 4.  I'd NEVER get naked for him! }                               - Venus, goddess of love, close personal }                                 friend of Frankie Avalon } } 5.  Big-time loser geek. }                               - Athena, goddess, babe } } 6.  He thinks he looks good but is sadly mistaken. }                               - Narcissus, god of vanity, image }                                 consultant } } 7.  More disgusting than scrapie and anthrax put together. }                               - Pan, god of mirth, close personal }                                 friend of sheep } } 8.  Toothless weenie. }                               - Mars, god of war, supreme macho dude } } 9.  Great guy!!!!!!!!!! Send him down to my place. }                               - Satan, prince of darkness } } 10. Should be eradicated from the face of the earth. Turn up the }     voltage!                  - Zeus, god of the heavens, }                                 all-time gold medalist of thunderbolt }                                 javelin } } You owe the Oracle....never mind, you won't be around to read it anyway

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great Oracle, what is the reason you allow paltry beings such as us > to waste your time with insignificant questions?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, there are several answers I could give you, my child... } }       1) It is my sacred duty to share my knowledge with the }          unenlightened. }       2) This job was bestowed upon me by the big G }          himself, and I don't wanna disappoint him. }       3) I figured, what the fuck. }       4) I lost a HUGE bet. }       5) Kinzler had to justify his tuition to his parents so he could }          continue partying with their money. }       6) All these math problems get really boring sometimes. }       7) I'm trying to find the absolute limit of human gullibility. }       8) I really enjoy jerking you idiots' chains. } } Now, given these possibilities (8), it is entirely up to you (8) to } decide which one (8) is the actual truth (8).  Have fun. } } You owe the Oracle some more silly questions.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 3) You have to go to a meeting in four minutes.  You have six > one-minute timers. How can you be on time, but not early?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Set three of the one-minute timers (A, B, C) for a full minute, two } (D, E) for 15 seconds, and the last (F) for 5 seconds. } } 2) Start A and F. } } 3) When F rings, start B and E, and re-set F for 47.5 seconds. } } 4) When A rings, stop F, start C and D, and smash B with a large } ball-peen hammer. } } 5) When C rings, re-start A for a full minute, then gather the } remaining five timers and run them through a paper shredder. } } 6) Go get a cup of coffee and a danish, and chat up the cute new } secretary. } } 7) After all, it's my meeting: It starts when I get there. } } You owe the Oracle a shorter agenda.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 10) You are driving down a one-way, one-lane highway, going about 115 > miles per hour.  You are on an uphill slope.  It is twilight, just > before dawn, and the sky is streaked in the lower latitudes with deep > purples and magentas.  The sides of the road slope sharply down from the > pavement.  You are listening to Chuck Mangione on your new Blaupunkt > stereo.  You speed your car up to 130 mph.  The road no longer has > shoulders; to either side there is underbrush and rocks, on a hill that > dives sharply down into the valley far below.  The single lane narrows. > You speed the car up to 145 miles pe hour.  The razor blade of a road > you are on levels off, and then begins to angle downwards.  The car > begins to gain momentum.  To either side, you can barely make out the > ground dropping almost vertically away, just a few inches on either side > of your spinning wheels.  The downhill slope becomes more drastic, as > you light a cigarette and open your window a bit more. >     As the engine dies, you notice the radio and other accesories kick > off and do not come back on again.  The steering wheel comes off in your > hand.  You sit back and puff on your cigarette, wondering what life is > all about.  Question:  Do you even TRY to see if the Hazard lights work?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With an internal chuckle, you reach out with your mind to control the } car directly at the wheels.  On second thought, you vaporize the car } altogether, and take a sharp turn upward away from this dreary highway. } You discard the cigarette, which you have no idea why you'd acquired in } the first place.  You atomize Chuck Mangione and summon a chorus of } angels to play some REAL music.  The Dead might be nice just now. } } For the love of Mike, you are talking to a demi-god. } } You owe the Oracle a lucid explanation why you would WANT to listen to } Chuck Mangione.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle of most elegaic splendor, whose utterances dance > upon the waves of light that encircle the world, whose > disciples hang devotedly on your slightest pronouncement, > who causes the net to remain in balance, > > "This sentence does not in fact have the property that > it claims it lacks." But what IS that property? > >       Yours perplexedly, >                       A. Net User

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The property that the sentence lacks is the lack of a property. } The sentence claims that it does not have a property; it claims, } in effect, that it lacks that property. So its property is this } claim. But by its claim, it lacks the claim of the property of } a lack of a property. } } Interestingly, if you keep going, you can prove that true is } false and that you don't exist. You see, by lacking the claim of } a property that a claim lacks property, the sentence claims its } lack of property is a property which claims a lack of a claim } of property. But a claim of a property is a lack of a lack of a } property, although a property which lacks a claim to property is } another property to claim. Therefore, a lack of a property is } not a property of a claim, but the claim -- <poof!> } } SYBILL System V.MCMXCIII (delphi.olympus.com) } } login:

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most prolific Oracle, > Compare and contrast the collapse of Communism with _The Rocky Horror > Picture Show_.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has considered your question, having  reflected on the works } of Lenin and the Marx brothers.  The deliniations are obvious, but the } Oracle can only pity your ignorance: } } Rocky Horror: Uses technology nobody understands. } Communism:    Uses technology nobody will touch. } } Rocky Horror: Toast. } Communism:    Lack thereof. } } Rocky Horror: Lives in an archaic, decrepit buliding. } Communism:    Lives in an archaic, decrepit country. } } Rocky Horror: Space transportation the only means of escape. } Communism:    Space transportation the only means of escape. } } Rocky Horror: Main antagonist a transvestite. } Communism:    Main antagonist a transvestite. } } Rocky Horror: Uses chainsaw on Meatloaf. } Communism:    In Siberia, uses meatloaf as chainsaw. } } Rocky Horror: People wait in line to throw toilet paper. } Communism:    People wait in line to get toilet paper. } } You owe the Oracle a Big Mac, a furry hat, and a videotape of the } Russian Parliament doing the Time Warp again.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> 7) The window next to you opens and shuts once every seventeen years. > You would like to leave the room through its only entrance, after being > put inside three days before the moment of freedom.  You only have with > you a stick of length two meters (exactly), and an inchworm.  How do > you explain the metric system in time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Master? } } Yes, Grasshopper. } }      I've been looking over this question you assigned me, and I'm }      confused. This business about "the window." Is it a metaphor? } } Well done, Grasshopper. What do windows stand for? } }      Graphical operating systems? } } You remember well what you have been taught. What else do you see? } }      The window opens and shuts every seventeen years. The system is }      upgraded every seventeen years, right? } } You must learn to be more confident, Grasshopper. Who would do such a } thing? } }      Sun? } } No. Think before speaking. } }      DEC? } } You overlook the obvious. } }      IBM? } } Certainly, Grasshopper. What other clues are there in the question? } }      The person wishes to stop using the system after only three days }      of use. That sounds like IBM to me. } } Most definitely, Grasshopper. What else do you see? } }      The stick is two meters long. This is the length of the shelf to }      hold the manuals and the inchworm is a naive user. The person }      must explain an IBM system to a new user in the three days before }      he leaves for a new position. } } Excellent, Grasshopper. You have learned your lessons well. } } You owe the Oracle a walk across 20 meters of rice paper without } leaving a trace.