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Internet Oracularities #344

Goto:
344, 344-01, 344-02, 344-03, 344-04, 344-05, 344-06, 344-07, 344-08, 344-09, 344-10


Usenet Oracularities #344    (20 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 7 Sep 91 10:32:45 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   344
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

344   20 votes 87500 36551 17741 16535 35930 24932 46730 13862 15572 05771
344   2.8 mean  1.9   2.8   2.9   3.2   2.6   3.0   2.5   3.2   3.2   3.2


344-01    (87500 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracle, whose POetuina bushes have less aphids per
> square centimetre of leaf than anybody's, the fleas on whose dog I am
> not worthy to engage in intellectual intercourse, whose dress sense
> devastates whole galaxies, whose wisdom is greater than the pile you
> could make out of all the Oreo cookies ever made, the E. Coli in whose
> stomach know more than All The King's Horses And All The Kings Men...
> The collected wisdom of the Library of Congress, the Library
> of Alexandria and the Munatoroto Primary School Library have
> nothing on what your big toenails know...
>
> Oh Oracle, please tell me...
>
> Please let me know...
>
> What was my question again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh great and lowly anchor of the moon, oh smarting one of the
} question, you are naked before my nothingness, and I  besake you to
} finger the nodes of netherness before asking your questions.  You have
} ruptured clues of the normal distribution, and the mitochondrian was
} taking a bath when it wandered into the human shenome.  Take care, and
} wonder more.


344-02    (36551 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, inscrutible and mysterious Oracle, why don't you answer in riddles
> any more, like you used to do with those old dead Greek dudes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As art imitates life, so too does the Oracle imitate Jerry Seinfeld.
} Put another way, the answer to your question can be found only through
} thoughtful consideration of the following related questions:
}
}     In your own case, what is the sound of one gum flapping?
}
}     How would it sound to admit that you slipped and fell on
}     bear sh*t in the woods?
}
}     If you were to go back in time and try to kill your own grandfather,
}     what happens if instead he beats the hell out of you?
}
}     Is sitting around asking stupid questions a part of man's true
}     nature, or are you an exception to the rule?
}
} And, possibly more to the point:
}
}     If our universe is but an atom in another world, does that explain
}     why the women in the "full figure" bra section of the Sears catalog
}     look exactly the same as the "regulars" ????
}
} So you see that the true essence of a full life is not to be found in
} knowing the right answers, but in knowing the right questions.  Just
} like your parents always told you.  So there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plug nickel, dude.


344-03    (17741 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many teeth does a dragon have?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Damn.  I was dreading the day when somebody would ask me this one . . .
} oh, well.  Hmmmpphhh -
}
} Yes, dreary mortal - How may I . . . ah, yes.  The old dragon business.
} Well, dear, to be perfectly honest, the Oracle is not too fond of this
} one. Counting the teeth on a dragon generally involves getting a little
} too close to the business end of one of those hyperhalitotic beasties.
} Had I not designed them that way on a dare offered at one of Lisa's
} more higvoltage parties in the first place, they would have come out
} about ten inches high and covered in soft downy fur - with NO teeth.
} At all.  But then Zeus was hammered and I my Oracular self was also
} three sheets to the wind as they say, so I was ready to take him up on
} anything.  He had been boasting, you see, about the job he did on the
} Kraken.  A mile high, horns and scales all over the place, and teeth
} and claws like scimitars.  Quite a job.  Anyway, so he says to me, he
} says, "Hey, Oracle!  Aren't you the loser who came up with those fuzzy
} little footballs you called - what was it - kittens?" And so then I go,
} "Yeah, so what's it to you?"  And so then HE goes like, "Well, I'll
} just BET you can't come up with anything near my Kraken, pal. You
} couldn't design a good fright if your life depended on it."
}
} Well, after hearing that, I couldn't very well just LIE BACK AND TAKE
} IT, you know?  So I scaled up the dragon a bit, added in some
} flamethrowing reminiscent of Zeus's breath after he let fly at that
} party . . . I guess I shouldn't talk about that, though.
}
} Anyhow, I forgot how many teeth I put in and I'm tired and can't find
} my asbestos suit so I don't feel like looking.  I do have a tip for
} you, though. Since I designed them to take after the Krakens, just find
} one of them and count the teeth!  I'm sure it's the same for the
} dragons.
}
} Glad to be of help.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new asbestos suit - wash and wear, preferably.


344-04    (16535 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                    ----v----
>                  /     |     \
>                --|           ---
>              /___|=========/_____\
>                   ---------
>                 /           \
>               /               \
>             /                   \
>             |                   |
>             |                   |
>             |                   |
>             |                   |
>              \                 /
>                \             /
>             ____|            |____
>
>                 Ohm on the Range

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Translation, "Top this, Oracle."  Very well...
}              _____            _____
}                  /           \
}                /               \
}              /                   \
}              |                   |
}              |                   |
}              |                   |
}              |                   |
}               \                 /
}                 \             /
}                    ---------                           |\
}                                ___________             |
}                                 \_______  \           _|
}                                         \  \         | |
}                                          \@ \         -
}                                           \@ \     ________
}                                            \ @\   \        /
}                                             \  \   |      |
}                                              \@ \  |      |
}                                               \ @\_|      |
}                                                \          |
}                                                 \         |
}                                                  \_       |
}                                                    \______/
}                "Mho' Better Blues"
}
} You owe the Oracle a better-looking sax.


344-05    (35930 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I hate OS/2.  But I have to develop software for OS/2
> what should I do ? Why is OS/2 so annoying, so not-user-friendly ?
> Why did it took me 5 hours to install 'Communication Manager' today ?
> Is there a worse operating system in the world ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmmm.  A non-grovelling supplicant.
}
} ::sigh::  These humans are becoming so bold, it may be time to send
} down another punishment to humble them.
}
} Lesse I sent down CP/M a while ago...  MSDOS 4.01 gave them a nice
} rash...  [O]racle to [S]pplicant/[2] was a doozie!  heh heh
}
} Maybe I'll send them down a new version of OS/2 and see if that'll ruin
} all the 'fixes' that they've come up with for the original.  Or maybe
} another flavor of UNIX...   Hmmm, I'll have to ponder this one a bit
} more.
}
} Until then:
} You owe the Oracle a Mac w/System 7 and a cup of heavenly coffee.


344-06    (24932 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise carelo, sorry, arcelo, whoops, that's olearc, wait a minute,
> something is still wrong, oh most wondrous larceo, hold on, it's coming
> to me, Oh unbelievably awesome Oracle, help me in my greatest hour of
> need.  I'm fleeing the Imperial forces, and Darth Vader's about to get
> me.  No, wait a minute, that's a movie plot.  O Carle, most wise, why
> is that I can't seem to spell your name?  I must be under attack by
> something, so let's call it the Empire, no, I actually think that maybe
> I like the idea of Dan Quayle better.  Or is it the NRA?  If you can
> just hold on a sec, I'm sure I'll think of what I was going to ask
> you...Let me see... Ahh!  Here's the question: Most wonderful Lorcea,
> wise and beautiful sorceress of the Internet (hhmm.. somehow this
> doesn't seem right either...*hack, hack, spit*  that seems to have
> cleared out my sinusi)Let's try again..
> Hey you great booby, what would happen if I quit college and ran for
> president in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       You would be on the verge of winning... until one day, it is
} discovered that your most important campaign poster has "president"
} misspelled.  This leads to a smear campaign by the opposition, in which
} they reveal your true grammar school grades.  You lose and live in
} ignominy for the rest of your days.
}
}       You owe the Oracle 2 campaign promises.  Hmm... on second
} thought, never mind.


344-07    (46730 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O, accept thee my jottings; and turn away not my tittles. Answer unto
> me the question which burns in my heart like kitten caught in a very
> unfortunate accident involving a Bernz-o-Matic soldering torch and
> several pints of gasoline. My question is:
>
> You know that guy on the AT&T commercial who forgets the phone number
> to Phoenix, and accidently dials Fiji? What is the number he forgot?
> And what is that Fiji guy saying when he answers the phone? It sounds
> like this..
>
> POO KNOW GUH NAKA PEET ZIA? But the guy says it real fast, so it's more
> like..
>
> POONOGUNAKAPEEZIA? What is this phrase?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Who the hell do you think I am? Ma-Bell?  Like I would care about some
} guy who wants to call Phoenix!  That should be obvious.  If I did care
} I would have made him remember the number... Duh...
}
} The guy in Fiji actually has a horrible speech impediment and really
} said:
}
} "You gonna want a pizza?"
}
} You owe the oracle 30 minutes of MCI long-distance...


344-08    (13862 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who ate my jelly sandwitch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       A warlock of your caliber should know to grovel before your
} question!  Since you are of such stature, however, I will only remove a
} leg rather than killing you outright.
}
} ****ZZZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPP***********
}
}       Now I hope you've learned your lesson.
}       Now for your question.  Despite your pioneering work on golems
} (being the inventor of the rope golem, the plastic golem, and the
} mashed-potates golem), your attempt to give these golems magical powers
} of their own (i.e., witches) is misguided.  And I must certainly warn
} you that jelly and sand is NOT appropriate material out of which to make
} a golem.  These attempts are doomed to failure.  Even though you're
} adding sand to make it less appetizing, there is always some creature
} sufficiently hungry to eat it.  In this case it was Pooh Bear.  Sure,
} when he was young he was a star, but now he can't even afford his
} expensive honey habit, and looks for anything he can find to eat,
} including jelly-sand-witches.
}
} You owe the Oracle a peanut butter dragon.


344-09    (15572 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, I humbly ask for an answer to the question that
> plagues me:
>
> How many angels can dance on the tips of Madonna's nipples?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Doesn't matter--the Ecumanical Council has forbidden angels from
} going anywhere NEAR Madonna's nipples, for obvious reasons.
} However, a few million bacteria have made them their home.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Madonna issue of Penthouse.


344-10    (05771 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>       Thank you so much for taking my petition.
>
>       I am very puzzled and hope that you can help me figure this out:
> yesterday was my love's birthday. I told her the day before that I
> would send her a long-stemmed rose for each year in her life. She was
> very pleased with the idea, then. But today she won't speak to me. Why
> is that?
>                                       Sincerely,
>
>                                       Peter Piper Bollingsgame

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Peter,
}
}       Why, certainly. That's what I am here for.
}
}       Well, you remember Mr. Brock, the Florist, took a real liking to
} you because you reminded him of his son who was killed in Vietnam while
} about your age. As a result, he decided to add a dozen more roses for
} free to your order.
}
}       I would suggest that the next time you order anything from Mr.
} Brock, that you tell him *why* you ordered exactly 19 roses, such an
} odd number, too.
}
}       You owe the Oracle exactly as many roses as She has Kilobytes.
} (And She wouldn't be offended if Mr. Brock threw in an extra dozen for
} free.)
}                                       Sincerely,
}
}                                       The Usenet Oracle


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