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Internet Oracularities #345

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Usenet Oracularities #345    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 9 Sep 91 08:30:43 -0500

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345   22 votes 46246 55912 27940 24961 49630 46b10 24754 14890 12496 45841
345   2.9 mean  3.1   2.5   2.7   3.0   2.4   2.4   3.2   3.1   3.8   2.7


345-01    (46246 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Most Esteemed Oracle,
>
> Two particles A and B are initially at rest on a plane, distance d
> apart.  An instantaneous force F is applied to particle A in the
> direction of the particle B.  If the plane is frictionless, each of the
> particles has mass m, the coefficient of restitution between the two
> particles is 0.5, the particles have negligible size, the Miami
> Dolphins beat the Chicago Bears last week, and Dan Quayle's favorite
> color is blue, then who gives a damn?
>
> You may assume that g = 9.8 metres per second squared, and that no
> nuclear testing is being carried out in the area.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ok. Now let's start with our first assumption that the Miami Dolphins
} beat the Chicago Bears. As can be shown in the theory of Improbability
} this is a hypothesis that can be safely discarded, since its
} probability is less than
}
}       / oo
}       |           dx
}       | ---------------------- * Om(x^2)
}       |  | x - y + eps |^alpha
}    -oo/
}
} where alpha is the assumed quadrupole moment of the football and Om
} such a complicated function that it is impossible to compute this
} integral even using a coffee machine. A numerical analysis, however,
} leads to the result that this integral must be less than
}
}             |
}             |
}       eps^y |
}             |
}             | y = sqrt(pi^e)
}
} where pi is pi and e is the base of the Briggs logarithms (contrary to
} the usual but wrong notation of e=2.718...). As now can be easily
} seen, following the results of Beckstein/Konotisho and
} Vaarhonen/McTalhon (1893, 1995, respectively) this has a value so
} small that, as we pointed out before, can be discarded, forgotten and
} buried. A recent work of Geller/Uri even shows that eps < 0.
}
} Second: Dan Quayle's favorite color is not blue. I will not point out
} here how to prove it, but simply believe me. I know it. It is not
} blue. So even this argument needn't be brought into consideration.
}
} Third: The question "who gives a damn" is central to our results.
} Well, it is general knowledge that Clark Gable can be ruled out,
} following a statement given during a conference shortly after the end
} of the US civil war. Mao can even be regarded as not coming into
} consideration, as he's pretty dead. No statements have been made by
} R.Nixon, thus avoiding a compromising situation. All these test
} results could lead to the premature conclusion that there does not
} exist some person giving a damn. But we now have a nonconstructive
} proof that there *is* some person:
}
} Lemma 1: There exists a person giving a damn.
}
} Proof: John Everny Fields III, an oil man from Texas was witnessed
} [Smith/Smith/Wesson,32] saying "I give a damn for it!", QED.
}
} The nonconstructivity of this Lemma follows from the usage of the
} choice axiom concerning witnesses [Calabrese/De Camorra,33].
}
} Now to the last problem. A naive conclusion using classical physics
} would immediately yield that both particles will happily pass each
} other without even touching, since they have negligible size and the
} chances to hit B by A are very, very small. So the inherent absurdity
} of this result can only be overcome by using quantum physical
} considerations. Since quantum physics is a little abstract and
} difficult to understand, it is now general use to formulate it in a
} more modern fashion that was introduced by Einman and can easily be
} applied to arbitrarily complicated problems, keeping the diffeomorphic
} structure of quantum problems intact, as could be shown in full rigour
} by Ngorongoro/Van der Velt.
}
} First of all, without loss of generality, let us assume that both
} particles are of opposite sex. This leads to nonvanishing terms in the
} nondiagonal elements of the scattering matrix. That is, after an
} interaction process of the particles one of them (or both) may be in a
} different state as before. Of course, this depends on the relative
} moon phase of the particles. The different state can be accompanied by
} the creation of new particles or even by pair creation, if the initial
} kinetic energy of A and B was high enough. Of course the kinetic
} energy need not be as high, if the attractive potential in the initial
} state is long ranged and fulfils the Passion (85) equation. Under
} certain - very rare - circumstances pair creation can lead to
} permanent stability; these strange effect is under current research
} (Nancy/Reagan 88, Bush/Bush ?)
}
} If you have difficulties imagining particles with different sexes try
} thinking of spin-up-spin-down particles. Of course, what we said above
} holds only for fermionic particles. For bosonic particles completely
} different equations hold. A main effect is a clustering which is often
} followed by strong geotranslational forces (the so-called
} Francisco/Andrea-effect). There are several conceptual
} interconnections with the weak and the strong nuclear forces; these
} are going to be used in the international EMR-project (earth's magnet
} removal project).  Nearby application of nuclear force can be assumed
} to interfere heavily (as you pointed out correctly), so always check
} with your doctor, your drugstore and your funeral home.
}
} You owe me some handwaving argument.


345-02    (55912 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mushy and all-seeing Oracle, greater than Chairman Deng and George
> Bush combined, whose knowledge camp withes the Queen of England,
> prithee, prithee grant me this morsel of your omniscience.  Why does
> my mother like to liquidate minxes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'd have to check the legal precedents to be sure, but I think that
} camping withes the Queen of England carries an automatic sentence of
} death by hanging, drawing, and quartering.  So, if it's all the same to
} you, the Oracle would prefer to keep its knowledge right here where it
} belongs, thankyouverymuch, and not have it out galavanting about
} England bothering that middle-aged frump.
}
} As to the odd uses your dearest M. may have found for her Waring
} 17-speed two-horsepower GrindAll Blender, that is entirely between
} herself, the Pater, and the nice men from the ASPCA.  So mind yer own
} business, you interfering little snot!
}
} And please stop wasting my time with these adolescent ventures into
} soi-disant cleverness.  The Oracle is here to deal with the meaning of
} life, the origins of the universe, the fundamental structure of lint,
} that there kinda stuff.
}
} Harumph.
}
} You owe the Oracle another round of drixed minx.


345-03    (27940 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  O high and mighty Oracle, I tremble before your thundering approach, I
> kiss the heat signals left by your feet as you walk, I race to breath
> in the air that you have breathed, can you please tell me,
>
> Why do exams exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To tell the sheep from the goats, to tell the pearls from the swine,
} to tell the wheat from the yucky strawy substance healthy fibre-rich
} breakfast cereal is made of. In short, to sort out who's gonna make it
} in our lovely Ermerican society and who's not.
} This is how it all works:  Have you noticed how some people go to
} college year after year, without ever passing any exams, and how other
} people quit after a short while, though they have excellent grades?
} The reason for this is that exams are NOT given to check what you've
} learned. No no no. If they'd wanted people to learn things, they'd
} teach it to them in class. Which you surely have noticed that they
} don't. No no no. The true purpose of education is to check how you
} handle stress. You must have noticed, par example, the light green
} color of classrooms. High stress factor. Mumbling, incomprehensible
} teachers. High stress factor. And the exams themselves are the accolade
} of the nervous tension. Green walls. Posters to warn you of the danger
} of social diseases. Squealing air conditioning systems. Enough to make
} most people break down sobbing. And those snivelling retired people
} limping about. You think they're there to check you're not cheating. No
} no no. They're observing you stress reactions. They have small
} protocols where they note if you're biting your nails. And if you can't
} handle the stress, they'll let you graduate. But if you can, even if
} you don't pass the exams (ESPECIALLY if you don't pass the exams),
} they'll send you to further tests (underneath Virginia) and then you
} might end up as a spokesman for the government (if you're cool enough
} to tell the world that you've just blown 15000 Iraqi to pieces without
} sweating, and sound like you're proud of it)
}
} You owe the oracle 400 packets of Valium.


345-04    (24961 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise and Resourceful Oracle, who could easily have escaped from
> Gilligan's Island by using no more than a coconut, please tell me...
>
> Why is there more greasy/fatty/disgusting crud atop a McDonald's McLean
> sandwich patty than on a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder patty?  I want to
> "do the right thing", but they're making it very difficult for me.  My
> clogging arteries await your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         There's more of the crud on top because they've dropped
} the fat content by upping the plastic content of the burgers;
} that fatty gunk is actually melted plastic. Give up: the human
} metabolism is not equipped to handle fast food.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE Wendy. Lisa is tired tonight.


345-05    (49630 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most well oiled Oracle, this humble one requires an answer.
>
> I received a strange message today, can you tell me about it?  This
> was in the message:
>
> "..... Argh, I'm caught again.  Supplies running out.  Send help.
> <screech>  Oh no, it's back again.  Argh!  Urgh!"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, Captain Kirk, I suggest you beam down and help them.  Otherwise,
} we'll have no plot for a show this week.
}
} You owe the Oracle three phasers, two photon torpedoes, and a partridge
} in a pear tree.


345-06    (46b10 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise carelo, sorry, arcelo, whoops, that's olearc, wait a minute,
> something is still wrong, oh most wondrous larceo, hold on, it's coming
> to me, Oh unbelievably awesome Oracle, help me in my greatest hour of
> need.  I'm fleeing the Imperial forces, and Darth Vader's about to get
> me.  No, wait a minute, that's a movie plot.  O Carle, most wise, why
> is that I can't seem to spell your name?  I must be under attack by
> something, so let's call it the Empire, no, I actually think that maybe
> I like the idea of Dan Quayle better.  Or is it the NRA?  If you can
> just hold on a sec, I'm sure I'll think of what I was going to ask
> you...Let me see... Ahh!  Here's the question: Most wonderful Lorcea,
> wise and beautiful sorceress of the Internet (hhmm.. somehow this
> doesn't seem right either...*hack, hack, spit*  that seems to have
> cleared out my sinusi)Let's try again..
> Hey you great booby, what would happen if I quit college and ran for
> president in 1992?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Great Booby?  BREAT BOOBY?  You dare to refer to me as "Great Booby?"
} For that, your firstborn child will turn into a toad after you pay the
} deposit for the clown for her third birthday party.  But, this is mere
} pettiness.  You don't stand a chance in the presidential race.  George
} Bush will have his Yale diploma recalled after a landmark ruling
} involving the jusrisdiction of the NTSB, which normally issues car
} refunds.  After the degree recall (which will occur only weeks before
} the election), Dan Quayle will issue a statement claiming that Bush
} has "A severe ingrown toenail" and has nominated Quayle to run in his
} place.  Paul Tsongas will carry every state except for Missouri and
} Mississippi, and win the election.  However, two-thirds of all
} Americans will still not be able to correctly pronounce his last name.
} Meanwhile, Dan will apologize, saying "Geez, it was only a joke.
} Don't you guys have a sense of humor?"
} You owe yourself a computer that isn't drunk.
} You owe the Oracle "Hole" by the band Foetus.  On CD.  Of course.


345-07    (24754 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the Oracle it may concern:
>
> I'm a small businessman, my wife is pregnant, I have severe angina
> attacks, my mother in law lives with us, and I need a long distance
> service that will suit my needs. I took a chance with that ``other''
> long distance service and really got burned. Now I have some Murphy
> Brown wanna be calling my house every night asking me to ``come back
> now'' to get the service I deserve. Also, there is nothing on my T.V.
> but four minute AT&T commercials and guys from Fiji telling me I just
> dialed the wrong number again. You know that guy that always says,
> ``well I am now!''? I think he's in one of my chemistry classes. Every
> time the prof. says, ``You're not dealing with a protien molecule,''
> this guys says, ``well I am now!'' and storms out of the room. What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O thou insignificant mortal.
}
} To you, your travails look nontrivial.
} Your trade and family, now so freshly fledged,
} are weighted down with inlaw unconvivial
} while carefree plaques en couer so firmly wedged.
}
} With all these burdens dwelling in your home,
} While waiting for that final, fatal seizure,
} You left the fold and chose instead to roam
} A path which always ends in Polynesia.
}
} Come back to that familiar klaxon sound,
} Banish Murphy Brown from your own handset.
} Ma Bell will send some Anglo-Saxon `round,
} who'll exorcise the Other with his lancet.
}
} Be steadfast when your neighbors feed you bull,
} Be steadfast when they tempt you, saying how
} "You are not dealing with the Oracle"
} Then proudly, firmly state "well, I am now."
}
} You owe the Oracle a black box and a Captain Crunch whistle.


345-08    (14890 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I know I didn't have six toes when I woke up this morning!  Oh dear
> Oracle, what is happening to me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My poor, unfortunate child.  You are one of the first victims of a
} malady that will soon begin to spread across the nation:  LAID, or
} Late-Acting Inbreeding Disease.  This disease has begun to spread due to
} the preponderance of the "if you can't keep it in your pants, keep it in
} the family" ethic in so many areas of our country.  Unfortunately,
} you'll soon discover that your eyes have grown a little closer together,
} and your nose will look a little pinched (not to mention the
} corresponding drop in intelligence).  Look on the bright side, though:
} You'll probably be able to play the hell out of a banjo.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VHS copy of "Deliverance"


345-09    (12496 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: alan@hercules.acpub.duke.edu (The Barrister)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, Oh Oracle most witty,
>   I cannot understand you 'cause my mind is itty-bitty.
>     Although I am unworthy, I really must inquire:
>       Is the singular of scissors sciss? and of pliers plier?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tis true you are unworthy, with this adolescent question.
}   Your poetry is awful, too, but here is a suggestion:
}     When coming up with questions, I'd appreciate your trying
}       A query on the dulcet tones of The Sound of One Plier Plying.
}         And the singular of scissors? I must keep you in the dark
}           You see, I never end a poem with any cutting remark.
}
} Your poetic license is hereby revoked.
}
} You owe the Oracle One Grecian Urn.


345-10    (45841 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who is on first?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's right.  If he takes enough of a lead, pick him off.
}
} You owe the Oracle 48 hours of continuous listening to your local
} all-sports format AM radio station.


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