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Internet Oracularities #346

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Usenet Oracularities #346    (22 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 11 Sep 91 17:40:54 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   346
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

346   22 votes 23b51 48631 33259 24385 26851 13576 35842 74524 46750 34a41
346   3.0 mean  3.0   2.5   3.6   3.5   2.9   3.6   2.9   2.6   2.6   2.8


346-01    (23b51 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: arf@mentor.cc.purdue.edu (The Nefarious Scotto)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Almighty Oracle, who both dug Witt's End and published the magazine
> that must be left there, who knows where all the magic mushrooms are,
> who mastered even the new Windows Solitare the day it was released,
> please answer the following question, which was published in a
> newsletter of a major corporation (no, not mine, and it wasn't and
> isn't my question!):
>
>       My supervisor is always bugging me.  He walks in when I am
>       playing computer games and makes sarcastic remarks, implying I
>       am not doing my job.  How can I get him off my back?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Before I address your question, I must clear up a mistake you
} made (No problem, I expect it from humans).  Being omniscient, I
} mastered solitaire (Note the spelling, if you please) the day
} Bill Gates thought it up.  This was of course a long, long time
} before it was released.
}
} Now onto your problem.  Yes, I know you say it isn't your
} problem, but you can't fool the Oracle.  There are several
} alternatives you could choose, depending on in what sort of mood
} you are.  The most obvious answer is to stop playing computer
} games.  But then you boss would expect you to do real work and be
} productive.  This is clearly not a viable option.
}
} If you want to get someone off your back, you can turn around and
} kiss him.  Long and hard, as if he were the only release for your
} pent up up sexual frustrations.  Unfortunately you boss is so
} disgusting that not even you are that desperate.  Next.
}
} Ask my good friend Guido for a little favor.  Just say the word
} and he'll make your boss a custom fit pair of concrete galoshes
} and take him swimming.  But wait, it seems you owe Guido some
} money.  You'd better pay up soon, or he'll make you an offer you
} just won't be able to resist.
}
} I guess that leaves you with just one alternative.  I wouldn't
} normally mention it but your case is rather extreme and I know
} that you can be trusted to do the right thing.  I must warn you
} that this method, if improperly applied could cause injury or
} even premature death, so you must exesize extreme care.  Tha
} answer is really very simple:  Turn you boss into a newt.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of those magic mushrooms.


346-02    (48631 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You fingered my brain!  How DARE you!  Don't you know your dealing with
> Guillermo P.?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *shudder*
}
} Guillermo P. Did you say?  I'm dealing with Guillermo P!  That
} spineless twit!  The Guillermo P. who once put his own head inside a
} blender and set it on Liquify?  The Guillermo P. who valiantly fought
} the oppresors in his home country of Grand Fenwick, only to be told
} that his home country no longer existed!  That Guillermo P.?
}
} Well Pardon me for fingering the brain of such an august personage.  I
} mean it was a waste of time anyway.  Look:
}
} Login Name:  brain                     In Real Life: Atrophied Mush
} Directory: /dev/null                   Shell: /bin/tortoise
} Last Login May 23 1973 from talcum.powder.diaper.edu
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing, there's nothing you have that's really
} useful anyway.


346-03    (33259 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why ? oh, god, why ??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The plaintive scream cut through the silence of abandoned ruins like a
} chainsaw through a cheerleader.  As one man, the group froze, their
} attention torn from the peculiar inscription on the altar that
} Professor Bockmeyer had been examining, like a teenager drooling over a
} smuggled copy of Playboy.
}
} "Perhaps these ruins aren't as abandoned as you think, eh?"  Callaghan
} straightened up with a wry smirk, and drew his revolver.
}
} Without further comment, we walked toward the dark opening behind the
} altar, from which the agonized cry had shot like an tracer shell from
} an anti-aircraft gun.  At the end of a corridor littered with broken
} statuary, crushed pottery, and bleached bones, an eary green light
} flickered like an oversexed firefly on an August evening.
}
} "Excuse me," said Callaghan, "but shouldn't that be 'eerie'?"
}
} The party crept... Huh?  What was that?
}
} "Eerie," he repeated.  "E-E-R-I-E.  Not E-A-R-Y.  You mis-spelled it."
}
} Oh, right, yeah.  Thanks.
}
} "No sweat."
}
} The party crept toward the light, weapons clutched in sweaty hands like
} so many gigolos between their lovers' thighs.  Callaghan stood
} suddenly, an annoyed look on his face.  "Look, could you cut the
} extended metaphors, and get on with the action?"
}
} Now wait a minute, *I'm* the narrator.  You're just a character.  You
} can bloody well wait until I'm ready!
}
} "Think so, buckwheat?  And just how far do you think you're likely to
} get without me?"
}
} Ha!  And what do you think you can do about it... Hey!  Callaghan!  Get
} back here!!  You can't do that!
}
} "Hm, sort of a sticky one," mused Bockmeyer, scratching his head.
} "Perhaps one of us can fill in for him?"
}
} You shut up!  Callaghan!!!  Damn you, Callaghan, I'm going to re-write
} the first chapter and make you a transvestite homosexual claims
} adjuster with leprosy and bad breath!  CALLAGHAN!!
}
} Callaghan?
}
} Shit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new protagonist.


346-04    (24385 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Indefinite Oracle,
>   What does my mother think about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} She loves you as if you were her own child


346-05    (26851 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise oracle, whose wisdom teeth my severe dental problems would not
> begin to tarnish, please tell me:
>
> If an airplane flies below the equator, why doesn't it fall into space?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhhh... finally, a correct question.  First of all, go seek dental
} help quickly, as you are on the verge of being struck by lightning and
} as you should know, poor teeth improve one's odds of being struck 88.4
} times.
}
} Now on to your question...
}
} Airplanes do not fly below the equator!   You mean you've been fooled
} for all of these years?  Wow, I should give the marketing department a
} raise!
}
} The world has always been, is, and will always be, flat.  So all that
} an airplane could possibly do is fall off the edge.  So, of course, you
} ask why don't airplanes fall off the edge?  Simple.  I personally put a
} large fence around the playpen.
}
} You owe the Oracle round trip tickets to Sidney, Australia.


346-06    (13576 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Indefinite Oracle,
>   What does my lover think about me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Beige.  I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
}
} You owe the Oracle three gallons of Sherman Williams Interior Wear-All
} Hi-Gloss Latex and a pair of handcuffs.


346-07    (35842 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the top ten opinions of Ms. Religious Being?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 10.  Jesus saves, Moses invests.
}  9.  God is dead (Nietche).  Nietche is dead (God).
}  8.  Men are such Gabardene swine.
}  7.  Catholics rule, Buddhists drool.
}  6.  Let he who is stoned cast the first sin.
}  5.  It's pronounced "toe-MAH-toe".
}  4.  Turn-ons:  cassocks, Dryden, the Council of Nicea, long walks on
}      the beach
}  3.  Turn-offs:  atheists, Descartes, argyle sox
}  2.  "I like Woody Allen, but I just can't watch _Interiors_."
}
} and the #1 opinion of Ms. Religious Being...
}
}  1.  Zoroaster = STUD!
}
} You failed to grovel, slave.  You owe me a Gutenberg bible.


346-08    (74524 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, very divine diviner, prithee, I beg of you, pray
> answer my phenolic problem.  Is Glinda the Good really a pigeon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but this really is a dumb question.  Come on, guys, let's
} incorporate just a trace of creativity into this asking questions
} stuff!  Think of all the really intriguing questions that you COULD
} have asked!
}
} - What makes Glinda's bubble float?  And while you're at it, what makes
}   her smile like that all the time?  And where can I get a few hits?
} - Is it true what the Oz Inquirer published about Glinda and the
}   Wizard?  And if not, what *do* they do with the flying monkeys?
} - Why do witches dissolve in water?  Is it some sort of religious
}   thing?
}
} We could go on for hours, boys and girls.
}
} You owe the Oracle some entertainment.
}
} PS: Glinda is actually a highly evolved form of snail.  She forms her
} bubble from snail-slime.  She feeds on little dogs, by the way, which
} is what brought her to Munchkinland in the first place.


346-09    (46750 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, O Knowing One, tell me:
>    Have you ever been swimming with bowlegged women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mmmm. Lemme tell ya! Once I was horseback riding with this absolutely
} delicious little redhead when we reached a stream and she asked if I'd
} like to go for a little dip with her. Several passionate hours later,
} as she nibbled <Whap> Ouch! <Whap> Sorry, Lisa <Whap> Ouch!
}
} Now look what you've done! <Whap> <Whap>
}
} You owe the oracle a way to weasel out of this <Whap> one.


346-10    (34a41 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose hand is slow and whose hair is really cool, please
> answer this question:
>
>         Is there any way to prepare tripe so that it is edible?  Or
> even (gulp) *palatable*?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since (as everyone knows) tripe is the lining of the large intestine of
} deceased politicians, it is very coarse and rubbery.  The traditional
} method of preparation is to boil it for 12-24 hours.  Unfortunately,
} this tends to rob tripe (and anything else prepared in this way) of its
} desirable taste and texture characteristics.
}
} TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #1
}
} First treat half of the store-bought tripe in a moderate solution of
} NaOH.  This will make the tissue puff up violently and turn purplish
} grey.  After treatment, discard this half and prepare the remaining
} portion in the traditional manner.
}
} This method does not provide us with a more palatable product, but is a
} lot of fun to watch.
}
} TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #2
}
} Locate an over-land frieght company.  Select a cross-country semi, and
} affix a portion of tripe to the wheel-side of a mudflap (3M spray
} adhesive is appropriate).  Wait for the semi's return, remove the
} tripe, and bake for 20 minutes or until crispy.
}
} This allows all the succulent constituents of the tripe to remain
} nearly intact.  Other delicate flavors and textures are imparted during
} the semi's trip, such as road grit, roadkill, and whatever the driver
} might have introduced by scraping his boots on the mudflap.
}
} Unfortunately, this method can take several days to plan and execute,
} and certain drivers are sure to be protective about their custom
} mudflaps.
}
} TRIPE PREPARATION METHOD #3
}
} Mix 1 part food-processed tripe with 30 parts ground beef.  Make
} fist-sized hunks, fry until brown.
}
} This is the method favored by the Oracle.
}
} Take your pick.  You owe the Oracle a package of turkey franks, skin
} removed.


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