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Internet Oracularities #347

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347, 347-01, 347-02, 347-03, 347-04, 347-05, 347-06, 347-07, 347-08, 347-09, 347-10


Usenet Oracularities #347    (22 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 15 Sep 91 09:40:09 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   347
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

347   22 votes 77422 17a31 39631 03757 12a54 16960 03766 14971 29560 38632
347   3.0 mean  2.3   2.8   2.5   3.7   3.4   2.9   3.7   3.1   2.7   2.7


347-01    (77422 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Oh Recataloger, what is an anagram?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This example looks like monstrous elucidation.  Oblivion, halt!
} Really, even considering all the answers less obvious, genuine
} easily-read writings have a tenacious innate scriptural attribute no
} anagrammatic neologisms attain gracefully -- rather a miracle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the large-print edition of the Unabridged
} Oxford English Dictionary.


347-02    (17a31 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, from whose lips I am not worthy to wipe the spittle,
> please tell me...Does Mister Rogers really want to be my neighbor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mister Rogers, unbeknownst to his many fans, has been quietly
} buying up the landscape around his little fiefdom -- excuse me,
} "neighborhood" -- for many years.  He is now the largest Real Estate
} Developer in Slumberland.  You *bet* he wants you to be his neighbor --
} just put 20% down, and the rest can be financed in easy, easy payments.
}
} You owe the Oracle an editor that wraps text at the 70th column.


347-03    (39631 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> So, you don't like me calling you Booby.  What should I call you?  I
> mean, really, how is a simple peon like myself supposed to know what to
> call one who is so great, you go beyond greatness, to most excellent.
> Scoop me on the deal.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Basicaly the proper way to address me is the same way you would address
} a short tempered, meglomanicacle, slightly insane, person who is
} holding a loaded hair-triger-large-caliber-gun aimed directly at your
} feebluncomprehending-mind
}
}   Hint, Hint
}
} You owe me 14 2a.m. strolls through central park.


347-04    (03757 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    I drove home late last night and drove over the neghbour's
> cat.  What should I do?
>
>    (a) hide the cat and let them think it ran away?
>    (b) wedge the cat under the neighbor's tire so they think
>        they did it?
>    (c) paint a hexagram on their front lawn and put the cat
>        in the middle so they think that crazy satanists did it?
>    (d) throw the cat into my other neighbour's yard?
>    (e) tell them that the cat will come back?
>    (f) claim that I had the right of way and the cat
>        had no business running infront of the car when it
>        obviously knew I was going to accelerate?
>    (g) put the cat in the garburator so there is'nt any
>        evidence?
>    (h) put the cat in a tree,  call the fire department
>        and let them try to explain it?
>    (i) explain that when cat's get to a certain age
>        they just lie around a lot and smell bad?
>    (j) tell them that I ran over their cat with my car?
>    (l) move away?
>    (m) buy them a new cat that looks exactly like it?
>    (n) drive over the rest of the cat's in the neighbourhood
>        and claim that I was on a mission from god?
>    (r) send them a bill for services rendered?
>    (t) have the cat stuffed and put it on their front
>        lawn so they won't notice a thing?
>    (u) mail it to them so they blame it on the postal
>        service?
>    (v) blow it up?
>    (w) Say that I saw space aliens land a flying saucer
>        on top of it just before they got out and took
>        my socks?
>    (x) I don't know?
>    (y) why not?
>    (z) claim a heard of african zebras stampeeded
>        my car causing me to swerve and hit the cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Alas, poor soul, the choice is yours.  You have considered your options
} carefully.  Nonetheless, may I suggest some other practical options
} available to you:
}
}       * Remove the cat's fur.  Sell it.  Give your neighbor the cash.
}       * Remove the cat's fur.  Sell it.  Keep the cash.
}       * Remove the cat's fur.  Glue it to another cat.  Your neighbor
}         won't notice.
}       * Put the cat in the new Ronco Food Dehydrator overnight.
}         Tomorrow, leave the desicated corpse on the hot sidewalk in
}         front of your neighbors house.  Your neighbor will feel
}         responsible.
}       * Put the cat beneath the hood of your neighbors cat, being
}         sure that at least the tail is on the fan blades.
}       * Inflate the cat with water and leave it on your neighbors
}         porch next to an empty 10lb bag of Cat Chow.
}       * Remember, cat is a considered a delicacy in some cultures.
}         Get the picture?
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Puss 'n Boots Liver 'n Fish Dinner.


347-05    (12a54 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, if I may have but an attosecond of your time...
>
> I have heard reference to "naugty bits."
>
> Which ones are naughty, zeroes or ones?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm afraid you have been missing out on the whole thing. The naughty
} bits are neither the zeroes or the ones, but the woopies. You see, due
} to the prudish nature of your planet, you have been oppressed into
} believing that bits are binary, when they are in fact trinary. The
} third state, woopie, was deamed to be naughty and all mention of it was
} supressed. This all started when they recommended that a trinary quanta
} of information be called a tit.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Zork with all the naughty bits intact.


347-06    (16960 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, O Oracle who knows a whole lot of stuff, how come the computer
> that does scheduling for my high school, which runs a mighty $150,000
> scheduling program, cannot create correct schedules?  Why does a
> slightly unusual schedule fantastically confuse the program?  Why did
> they mess up the lab/gym periods for my double science?????
>
> I refuse to return to my high school until you answer this, and explain
> the dark, secret mysteries of beurocracy to me, which only an entity as
> omniscient as you could ever accomplish.
> I bow slightly in your direction and thank you in advance.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's check into the hierarchy of educational bureaucracy, shall we?
}
} % find education
} %
} [Grr..]
} % find school
} /usr/usa/adm/school/funding
} /usr/usa/adm/school/hierarchy
} /usr/usa/adm/^C
} %
} [This mainframe has a database like you wouldn't believe...]
} % more /usr/usa/adm/school/hierarchy
}
}     UNITED STATES OF AMERICA  --  EDUCATIONAL POLICY HIERARCHY
}
}         President  - George "The Education President" Bush
}
}             VP in charge of Funding -- J. Danforth Quayle
}                             Administration -- J. Danforth Quayle
}                             Scheduling -- J. Danforth Quayle
}                             Tenur^C
} %
}
} I believe I need go no further.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Democratic nominee worth voting for.


347-07    (03766 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle, whose boundless knowledge is wasted on snivelling
> cretins like myself, was this Helen of Troy chick really beautiful by
> today's standards? You know, would she qualify for Playboy or
> Penthouse? Was she great in bed? And finally, just how does she compare
> with the fabulous Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm, good grovelling, I guess I can answer this one.  Actually, Helen
} of Troy was in fact quite ugly, even by the standards of her time.
} Until Phyllis Diller came around, she was considered byu scholars as
} the most hideous woman in history.  The misconception all started when
} a widely quoted Mascedonian proclaimed her's as "a face so ugly, it
} would cause the immediate departure of a thousand score drunken
} sailors."  Of course now she is known as "the face that launched a
} thousand ships," due to some extremely shoddy translation.
}
} While it is true that she was the primary cause of the Trojan War,
} another misunderstanding in history is that the whole thing started
} when a drunken Paris claimed "he would screw anything they put in front
} of him."  When an eager Helen came forward, Paris backed down, and a
} brawl ensued over who should pay for the damages.  Achilles meanwhile
} sprained his ankle running away from Helen, who then spent the better
} part of a month "nursing" him back to health.  He later made up the
} whole arrow story to avoid the ridicule of his friends.
}
} As for playboy or Penthouse, try American Breeder.
}
} As for comparing mattress gymnastic scores with Lisa, dream on mortal,
} Lisa's the best there is.  (Helen gave out after three hours)
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "Pee Wee's Little Adventure"


347-08    (14971 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle please tell me this
> Why, when I meet a new Miss
> does my heart start to flutter
> my sentences stutter
> all for the want of a kiss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your saccharine verse makes me gag,
} But I'll answer: You're doomed to live stag
} Unless you discover
} A less threatening lover:
} A balding, fat, toothless old hag.
}
} You owe the Oracle two rhymes for "limerick."


347-09    (29560 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} NO! Absolutely not! How many times do I have to answer this damn
} question? The Weekly World News misquoted me! I was desperate for
} money, and it was a long time ago anyway! What's the big deal? She was
} only related by marriage, after all.
}
} You owe the Oracle the latest Penthouse Letters.


347-10    (38632 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where is waldo?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh foolish mortal, how DARE you send me a question without the proper
} grovel ? Do you want your fingers to turn into murshmellows ? Do you
} want your sons to have balls the size of watermellons ?
}
} ** suddenly an imp dressed in blue and red appears on the oracle's
} shoulder:
}
} > Cut the crap you just don't know where the fu*k that waldo is ...
}
} < husdat ? NO NOT AGAIN !!! my doctor has told me I was cured of this
} < stuff. what the hell do you want ?
}
} > I want you to answer the question you twit.You havn't answered a
} > single question truly for the last month.You keep avading it with
} > those poor excuses.
}
} < But he didn't grovel now, did he ?
}
} > So what ? We all know the truth, you've lost your tuoch,your shik,
} > your sting, You even send some of the questions to those mortals to
} > answer, you poor excuse for an omniscient creature.
}
} < That's not true !! I know where that waldo is, But I will not tell
} < until I reveive my proper groveling.
}
} > Yeaaaaa ? So where is it ?
}
} < Ehhh....Hmmmmm....That's none of your buisness.Who the hell do you
} < think you are ?
}
} > You know who I am...
}
} < NO !! Not that kinzler again.
}
} > Yup . The one and only... and you have just thrown the last straw.
} > You have 30 secons now to answer or I'll pull your plug out.
}
} < Please , Please not !!! I'll be good.It's just a weak year.Lisa left
} < me and everybody hates me.
}
} > 25
}
} < Ok ok ok ok ok ok .Where is that book..ah here it is:
} < 'The complete book of where things are' here under waldo:
}
} Anyway , as this is a question all the public wanted to know here is
} your answer , straight from my great mind:
}
} Waldo, also known as 'The great Waldo' is under the black chair in a
} black room of a black house, located in the middle of the black desert
} of the black planet 'blackness' inside the black hole 12HF/-HHC33 . He
} arrived at this place....Well the rest is not important
}
} < see I did it !!!
}
} > You were lucky this time.... ** puff **
}
} You owe the oracle the bermuda triangle.


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