} Oh, dreary mortal, filled with woe,
} your life has taken such a turn.
} You've done right asking me - I know
} the cure for you, and you can learn
} to stay your ills, prevent your fate,
} regain your confidence - I will
} reverse this fateful trend of late
} with consummate panache and skill.
} The scam behind your misery
} is near-impossible to find.
} This convoluted causery
} afflicting sore your troubled mind.
} But stay a moment, tarry please --
} The crystal ball is clearing now.
} Ah, yes, I see it clear with ease!
} It's plain to me; I'll tell you how.
} One day last week you boned royale
} You stepped upon a pavement crack.
} Your mother's one vindictive gal -
} She doesn't like her broken back.
} The ladder you so blithely strolled
} beneath was waiting just for you!
} The potent curse from days of old
} has ruined many others, too.
} This double whammy's not enough -
} You broke your bathroom mirror, too!
} In cases like this, Fate plays rough!
} I say, you boned it! Yes, I do.
} The letter you received that day,
} you threw it out, you broke the chain.
} You read what it'd had to say,
} And tossed it - oh, your wish is plain!
} I've heard from those like you before.
} Your wine and freon pleases you.
} Those frosted flakes - you stashed them, or
} That drunken dog who's just like YOU.
} You sickos like it when your cat
} Relieves itself upon your food.
} As for the parrot - WEAR A HAT!
} Unless you *LIKE* it - oh, most lewd,
} depraved, disturbed young postulant
} You HAVE no friends, admit it here.
} Your parrot's dead, it's YOU who rant
} at passersby - must be that beer.
} Those fifteen nudists - yes, I see
} you HIRED them to take your bed.
} 'Cuase secretly you want to be
} asleep while standing on your head.
} As for the bends, you must be dim.
} What made you want to join the pool?
} It works much better if you *swim*;
} Your addled mind forgot that rule.
} And so now, you are asking me
} to save your ass? Well, buster - TOUGH.
} You *LIKE* your fate, it's plain to me.
} Buzz off -- you've bugged me long enough.
} You owe the Oracle a framed calligraphy rendering of "There once was
} a man from Nantucket."