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Internet Oracularities #348

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Usenet Oracularities #348    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 18 Sep 91 21:38:43 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   348
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

348   22 votes 03829 28660 34555 033d3 37a20 37750 01a47 0c730 5a430 98320
348   2.9 mean  3.8   2.7   3.2   3.7   2.5   2.6   3.8   2.6   2.2   1.9


348-01    (03829 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> You ask me, I blame society.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bailiff: USENET Circuit Court is now in session, Judge T. Usenet Oracle
} presiding.  All rise!
}
} [A motley collection of users, daemons, viruses, and mythological
} creatures shuffles noisily to its feet, claws, pseudopodia, etc.  The
} Oracle enters to a fanfare of slightly out-of-tune trumpets, wearing
} black silk robes and a bedraggled powdered wig.]
}
} Bailiff: Be seated!  Docket number 7442100-1991, People vs. Society.
}
} Oracle: Society, you are blamed.  How do you plead?
}
} Lisa: Guilty.  I throw myself upon the court.
}
} Oracle [disentangling himself after a few minutes of heavy groping]
} Lisa, I *am* busy now.  Gimme a minute, OK?
}
} [Lisa smirks enchantingly, causing three of the jury to faint from
} desire, and slips under the bench.  The Oracle sits rigid for a moment,
} and then begins to fidget and make soft "urnk" noises.]
}
} Oracle: Bailiff <urnk>, bring in Society now, please? <urnk>
}
} [Society enters manacled and chained, followed by an executioner with a
} very large axe.]
}
} Oracle: Society, you are blamed. <urnk-ur-AH!>  How do you plead?
}
} Society: Like this [falling to its knees hands stretched beseechingly
} upward] PLEEEEAAASSSE let me go, P-P-PLEEEEEEEASSSSE!!!!
}
} Oracle: Everyone's a bloody comedian.  Kill the bitch.
}
} Executioner: CHOP!
}
} You owe the Oracle a New Society.


348-02    (28660 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh well-hung and incoherent Oracle, whose sexual fantasy I am too
> lowly to imitate, I humble myself in the face of your surfboard-like
> beauty.  Why does Fidel Castro lick melted butter off of Mr. Reindeer
> Egg-Mcmuffins's morality?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is the Meese Police.  You are under arrest.  The use of melted
} butter in the manner you described is a crime.  The statement you
} made about sexual fantasies is a crime.  Sexual fantasies are a crime.
} Talking about sex is a crime.  Sex with a non-republican in a manner
} other than standard missionary position--no birth control is a crime.
} Thinking about sex is a crime.  Thinking is a crime.
}
} Ed Meese is your friend.  Ed Meese wants you to place yourself in front
} of this firing squad.  Not doing so is a crime.  Ed Meese is god.
}
} (Uh, Oracle here... I would not recommend going.  Run to the nearest
}  convent and hide, quick.  Oracle out.)
} (Oh...you owe the Oracle a picture of Phyllis Schlafly
}  strapping on a dildo.)


348-03    (34555 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wine and freon clog my ears,
> My purse is full of frosted flakes,
> My dog has drunken fifteen beers,
> My cat has peed on all my cakes,
> A parrot stands upon my head
> And screeches "Ugly" at my friends;
> Fifteen nudists stole my bed,
> And now (alas) I have the bends.
> So now I turn to thee: pray tell
> With honeyed voice and calming verse
> How all these troubles to me befell
> And how I can all them reverse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dreary mortal, filled with woe,
} your life has taken such a turn.
} You've done right asking me - I know
} the cure for you, and you can learn
} to stay your ills, prevent your fate,
} regain your confidence - I will
} reverse this fateful trend of late
} with consummate panache and skill.
}
} The scam behind your misery
} is near-impossible to find.
} This convoluted causery
} afflicting sore your troubled mind.
} But stay a moment, tarry please --
} The crystal ball is clearing now.
} Ah, yes, I see it clear with ease!
} It's plain to me; I'll tell you how.
}
} One day last week you boned royale
} You stepped upon a pavement crack.
} Your mother's one vindictive gal -
} She doesn't like her broken back.
} The ladder you so blithely strolled
} beneath was waiting just for you!
} The potent curse from days of old
} has ruined many others, too.
}
} This double whammy's not enough -
} You broke your bathroom mirror, too!
} In cases like this, Fate plays rough!
} I say, you boned it!  Yes, I do.
} The letter you received that day,
} you threw it out, you broke the chain.
} You read what it'd had to say,
} And tossed it - oh, your wish is plain!
}
} I've heard from those like you before.
} Your wine and freon pleases you.
} Those frosted flakes - you stashed them, or
} That drunken dog who's just like YOU.
} You sickos like it when your cat
} Relieves itself upon your food.
} As for the parrot - WEAR A HAT!
} Unless you *LIKE* it - oh, most lewd,
} depraved, disturbed young postulant
} You HAVE no friends, admit it here.
} Your parrot's dead, it's YOU who rant
} at passersby - must be that beer.
}
} Those fifteen nudists - yes, I see
} you HIRED them to take your bed.
} 'Cuase secretly you want to be
} asleep while standing on your head.
} As for the bends, you must be dim.
} What made you want to join the pool?
} It works much better if you *swim*;
} Your addled mind forgot that rule.
}
} And so now, you are asking me
} to save your ass?  Well, buster - TOUGH.
} You *LIKE* your fate, it's plain to me.
} Buzz off -- you've bugged me long enough.
}
} You owe the Oracle a framed calligraphy rendering of "There once was
} a man from Nantucket."


348-04    (033d3 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Huh?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Subject: Failure in replying.
}
} Dear sir,
}
}       I'm sorry to tell you that the oracle have failed to answer your
} question due to the following problems:
}
} [x] failure in satisfaction of grovel factor.
}
} [x] question was too general
}
} [x] question was in an non-standard language (The oracle understands
}     all languages but will not answer questions in too exotic languages
}     for moral reasons.)
}
} [ ] The question is the null/woodchuck/'how can I get Lisa'
}     question.Lack of public interest.
}
} [x] previous debts . You haven't sent the following which you owe:
}
}       a. 4 first born children
}       b. 7 newt eyes
}       c. a ticket to the moon
}       d. the Bible , 'dirty' version.
}       e. 5 text adventure games written in Cobol.
}
}     Until those debts are settled the Oracle will answer none of your
}     questions.
}
} [x] disgusting physical appearance
}
} [ ] the oracle is on vacation
}
} [ ] the oracle doesn't feel like answering you
}
} [x] no answers are given on Friday the 13th.
}
}       Please fix the above mistakes and send your question again.
}
}                               Yours
}
}                               Flega buttlehoyngen
}
}                               oracle personal secretary.


348-05    (37a20 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does Satan wear spandex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wear it?  My dear querent, Satan _invented_ spandex. How better to
} stir up feelings of inadequacy in humans than by dividing the whole
} species into two groups: those who can wear spandex, and those who
} cannot?  And those who wear spandex must dread the day when the flab
} finally comes home to roost, so all of humanity finds itself roiling
} in tides of jealousy, fear, and constriction.
}
} You owe it to the rest of your species to
} wear polyester for the rest of your days.


348-06    (37750 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Does it mean anything if your cat runs away, your dog is taken by
> aliens, your parents seem to always hate dogs (for some reason) and
> that they seem to have an Odd greenush-coloring, and 1 and 1 suddenly
> doesn't make 2?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's probably nothing...
}
} I'm sure that each of these events can be expliained quite logically.
} Let's start from the beginning:
}
} Your cat's running away is a normal occurrence.  After all, not all
} cats are willing to put up with as much as the cat in the series ALF
} did.
}
} You only think that your dog was taken by these aliens.  From the
} sounds of things, it is much more likely that your parents actually
} called these aliens to have them take your dog and give it a much
} better home.  How many dogs do you know that have been taken by aliens?
} I didn't think you knew any...  That makes your dog special, and he's
} probably the only earth dog on their planet.  Just feel glad that the
} aliens didn't mistake you for the dog...  Or perhaps they mistook the
} dog for you...
}
} As for your parents' odd greenish-coloring, rest assured that it was
} just a mild overdose of blue and yellow food-coloring.  Or perhaps it
} was just acid-rain-tainted bath or shower water.
}
} Finally, 1 and 1 no longer make 2 since you are performing your
} calculations using exceptionally large values of 1.
}
} You owe the Oracle a ride on the nearest flying saucer.


348-07    (01a47 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's a "thet"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A "thet" ith a mathematical conthept which ith normally
} reprethented in LITHP by meanth of a litht. Tho the thet
} of all prothehthed meath in my fridge would be reprethented:
}
} (olive-loaf gizzard-whizz jalepeno-flavored-entrail-puree thpam)
}
} Thimilarly, the thet of all flattery included in your query would be:
} ()
}
} Hmm.  Well, anyhow, the betht tetht of your LITHP interpreter ith
} to thee how it reprethenth the thet of all theth that do not include
} themthelfth.  Let'th thee what happenth...
}
} (
} #! STACK OVERFLOW ERROR: You're hosed
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the++


348-08    (0c730 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How often did George Washington's writings bring me to orgasm last
> week?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean you don't know?
}
} Three, plus two fakes, and next time, don't lose count.
}
} You owe the Oracle a fifth/case/keg of whatever you've been drinking,
} and a copy of the Declaration of In... no wait, make that the
} Constitu... er, no, er..  Say, what DID George Washington write,
} anyway?  A love letter to Martha?
}
} Done.


348-09    (5a430 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise of all Oracles,
> my beloved Sandy is now 350 miles away, and shall remain
> so for many months to come...
> Whatever shall I do?  Are we destined to meet again someday?
> Shall we marry someday?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahhh, my child.  The road I see before you is a dark one, fraught with
} many perils: potholes, roadkills, and worst of all....New Jersey
} drivers. If you successfully navigate this turnpike 'o love, surely you
} and your beloved Sandy shall become one again.  If however, you flip
} off the third NJ driver you see, he shall be named Biff, and he shall
} pummel you to the brink of oblivion and ne'er shall ye see thy fair
} Sandy again, as Biff will flex for her, standing above thy stinking
} corpse.
}
} Just a warning.
}
} You owe the oracle a hot date on Saturday night.


348-10    (98320 dist, 1.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Oh wise and perfect Oracle, who has made All-Pro for all 22 positions
>   on a football team for the last millenium even before football was
>   invented, answer for me this:
>
>   Why oh why oh why can't you let the Tampa Bay Buccaneers win a game?
>   They've been coming so close for the last three weeks, but they can't
>   seem to pull it out in the long run.  Can't you do something about
>   it?  Puh-lease help me to throw the football.
>                                       Thank you,
>                                               Vinny Testaverde

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I would, but Y'see, I'm kinda occupied with improving the
} Cleveland Browns and all. (They Paid me more than The Patriots)  As for
} throwing the foot ball, put a magnet on the end, and have the players
} hold a few.  Great for fake punts.
}
}  The Most Excellently Wize Orcale


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