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17 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:48:05 GMT

Internet Oracularities #349

Goto:
349, 349-01, 349-02, 349-03, 349-04, 349-05, 349-06, 349-07, 349-08, 349-09, 349-10


Usenet Oracularities #349    (18 votes, 2.7 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 24 Sep 91 10:47:35 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   349
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

349   18 votes 08631 59220 17613 64530 57240 36270 13860 05a21 02a60 14850
349   2.7 mean  2.8   2.1   2.9   2.3   2.3   2.7   3.1   2.9   3.2   2.9


349-01    (08631 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and holy Oracle, whose shoes I am not even fit to polish with
> my tongue, answer me this:
>
> What the hell am I doing in a dank little room staring at a workstation
> on a Friday night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This riddle is not in SRN (standard riddle notation.)  I will rephrase
} it for you:
}
} "I am doing the hell in a dank little room.  I am staring at a
} workstation. It is Friday night.  What am I?"
}
} From here, we can proceed using the process of elimination.  You are in
} a little room, so you cannot be anything large.  The room is dank, so
} you cannot be anything dry (at least, not for long.)  You are staring,
} so you cannot be blind.  You know what time it is, and which day of the
} week it is, so you cannot be oblivious.  You are doing the hell, so you
} cannot be shy or timid (or morally sound, for that matter.)  You know
} what a workstation is, but doesn't everyone these days?  You are asking
} the question, so you cannot be the Oracle.
}
} You are Lisa.  Now go away and let me get back to the real questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of The Secret Diary of Laura
} Palmer. (And a couple of sessions of doin' the hell, but that can wait
} until tonight.)


349-02    (59220 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Help!  I'm seeing double!  Everything I say winds up crossposted to
> talk.cyberpunk.lack.of.common.decency and news.msdos.comics!  It's
> like this!  Only smaller!  Where can I do, Oracle, where can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Calm down, child! It's not that you are *seeing* double, it's rather a
} symptom of our society. For instance: Double majors, Doublemint gum,
} double headers, Nugent's "Double Live Gonzo", Lennons "Double Fantasy"
} (Chapman was actually a music critic, and shot him for recording this),
} double dating, doublespeak, double trouble, double your money, double
} your pleasure. You are perfectly normal, provided you maintain your
} a) Double personalities and b) double vision. Hope you don't have
} a quad stereo, if so, then you'd be in *big* trouble!
} You owe the oracle a date with your twin sisters.
}
} ( would have included the Minnisota Twins in this list, but hey,
} I refuse to recognize teams that have no chance of ever actually
} winning a world series )


349-03    (17613 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Tell me, please, oh most puissant, powerful, prognosticating,
> proficient, and preternaturally prescient Oracle, why did they
> ever try selling us "New Coke"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a religious thing.  As is written in the Book of MacDonald 15.3
}
}   And when the auguries are favorable, thou shalt bring forth New
}   Product Variations, which thou shalt advertise with Great Hoopla and
}   many TV Spots.  And the profits shall multiply among thy people, that
}   they grow great and powerful, and your Market Share shall increase
}   beyond your Wildest Dreams, Yea! unto the seventh generation!
}
} The Oracle recommends sun tea with a little lemon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a catchy slogan.


349-04    (64530 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the Oracle it may concern:
>
> My mom always said that I should wait six months after eating before I
> go swimming. Well, I've been asking around and, be honest, isn't this
> somewhat extreme?
>
> She also said I should chew my food at least 300 times before putting
> it in the blender, setting it to *pulverize* and then taking it
> intravenuously. Is this overdoing it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listening to your mother isn't ALWAYS a good idea, Norman.
}
} You owe the Oracle a candid gif of Janet Leigh.


349-05    (57240 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How come my workstation often reboots ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has not detected a high groveling factor. This will
} abbreviate your answer.
}
} Workstations are often products of busy people, and therefore often are
} busy themselves with more busy people.  Workstations, by their
} intrinsic nature, are always working, working, working!! They shuttle
} mail over long distances, they shuffle incomings, display your work and
} transmit data, a complete slave to whomever decides to "log in".
} Therefore, workstations often have to reboot, re-shoe and re-sole.
} They wear them out so quickly.
}
} The Most MIghty Oracle Has Spoken.


349-06    (36270 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I seek the Tao.  Is it within you, O Mighty Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} *oracle looks at itself*
} Nope, no tao, but there is a hawaian pizza and half of a skunked beer,
} will that do?
}
} The Great and Mighty Oracle


349-07    (13860 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  A thermos can keep a liquid warm.
>  A thermos can keep a liquid cool.
>
>   How does it know which?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle appreciates your interest in this burning question. Many
} Many supplicant have requested this information.  The Almighty and
} Powerful Oracle must tell you that you must GROVEL more.  No good
} answers without some good healthy supplication.  Keeps you in form for
} tax time.
}
} The secret is this: the thermos DOESN'T KNOW!!  The thermos, filled
} with a vaccuum like many human heads we know, does not know that there
} is a specific kind of hot or cold liquid in it.  Since it does not
} know, it does not transmit the heat.  In fact, the thermos is SO DUMB,
} you could make its eyes light up by shining a lite in it's ear!!
}
} Face it, thermoses are one of the few stupid things in this world
} that still do a job.  Unless you count Quayle.
}
} The oracle has SPOKEN.


349-08    (05a21 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> We are in the front-end module of our project.
> Is the front-end the front or the end ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Oracle! Oracle!"
} "Yes, apprentice, what is it now?"
} "Take a look at this question! He didn't grovel at all."
} "Yes, that's very rude."
} "Can I start flaming him?"
} "No, I think you'd better not."
} "Oh, please, please..."
} "No, I'm afraid we've been flaming non-grovellers a bit too heavily
} lately. The Oracluar Priesthood are getting a bit bored of it and are
} less prone to include your answer in the Oracularities if you flame to
} heavily.
} By the way, I just noted that the questioner shows bad oracletiquette
} in another way - which one?"
} "You mean that he just starts off with quoting someone, without telling
} from where he's quoting"
} "Exactly"
} "But don't you know anyway? I'm mean, being omniscient and all..."
} "Of course _I_ know, stupid! But we don't want to do any unnecessary
} work, do we? Being an Oracle is exhausting work."
} "Well, the actual answering of questions doesn't seem to exhausting,
} but of course you've been doing some pretty ewxhausting things with
} Lisa and Lena lately..."
} "Shut up! If you _ever_ want to be an Oracle like me, you'd better
} start applying yourself with more seriousness to your work, instead of
} criticizing your betters. You can start right now by writing a polite
} and truthful answer to the question."
} "How about this:
}
} 'The front end is both; it's the end that's in front, stupid.'?"
}
} "I said a _polite_ and _truthful_ answer, you lazy slob! Try again.
} And when you're finished, you can start cleaning the bathrooms."
} "OK (sigh)"
}
} 'The front end is neither the front nor the end, at least not in the
} literal sense. It is the part of a compiler that reads the user's
} source code and converts into a form more suitable for the later
} processing, protecting the delicate innards of the compiler from the
} harsh environment of an actual operating system.'
}
} "That's better! But don't forget the last part!"
}
} 'You don't owe the Oracle anything. This Oracularity was produced as
} an Oracular University Tutorial and payed for by government funds.'


349-09    (02a60 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most miffed, mighty, migratory, mild, militant, milky, mimetic,
> mingled, minimal, ministerial, minstrelsy, miraculous, misanthopic,
> miscellaneous, mischievous, miscreant, mishapen, missionary, misty,
> and mitagated Oracle, Please answer my ever so humble question:
>
>       How can I eradicate FMLI from the universe by lunchtime tomorrow?
>
> ThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyouThankyou

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lunchtime tomorrow is a tough timetable, but it can be done.  First,
} get yourself a large supply of letter bombs, the kind that fit into a
} large envelope and explode when you open them.  You can find them in
} the Notions section of any K-Mart.  Color is unimportant, but be sure
} that the expiration date hasn't passed.
}
} Find the nearest Federal Express office, and bring along a list of
} names and addresses for everyone in your FMLI.  Mail one package to
} each of your siblings, parents, cousins, nephews, uncles, and other
} assorted relatives and in-laws by overnight express.  This will be a
} little pricey, so make sure that your VISA credit line can take it.
}
} You owe the Oracle the FMLI jewels.


349-10    (14850 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dearest Oracle,
>
>   What in the world IS That Thing!!!???!!!
>
>  Thank you.
>
> [large, graphical signature deleted to preserve anonymity -sk]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yuk.  Ugly thing, isn't it?  What you have there is a type of Ugly
} Graphical .Signature (siggus graphus homlius).  It is found primarily
} in the "org" sections of the Internet, though it has been spotted
} almost everywhere.
}
} Note that this specimen attempts to create much larger letters out of
} noletters.  This is typical of the pathetic nature of the Graphical
} .Signature, as it attempts to look much larger than it actually is.
}
} Also notable in the upper right is a stream of alternating upper- and
} lowecase letters.  This is another feature that is used more often in
} headers, in order to confuse KILL files.  It's purpose in a .Signature
} is to indicate that its master is of the type to use the above ploy.
}
} Well, that all the time we have for now.  Join us next time on .Sig
} Nature World, when we'll take a look at the common Changing Quote
} .Signature.  Bye!


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