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Internet Oracularities #35

Goto:
35, 35-01, 35-02, 35-03, 35-04, 35-05, 35-06, 35-07, 35-08, 35-09, 35-10


Usenet Oracularities #35
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 27 Oct 89 20:18:24 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
       oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
       oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu


35-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise,
>
>   Why is the senior C.S. work room empty (except for a couple of loser
> first year engineers)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well freshman engineers tend to do things like studying. Compsci's
} learn quickly that there is nothing to be gained from such a useless
} activity and sleep during the day. They then stay up all night in
} computer labs.
}
} The money spenders there would have done well to do some research
} before they built a senior C.S. work room. They should have spent the
} money on
}
} 1 - A coffeemaker & supplies (debit card issued to all CS students)
} 2 - toothpicks to hold CS students' eyes open
} 3 - beer & pizza for the loser freshman engineers to try and get them
}     to become Real Partying Students
} 4 - the establishment of a compu-porn server
} 5 - hire of an Oracle
}
} You owe the Oracle an HP-15C. And a backpack. With only one strap.
} So he doesn't look like a loser freshman engineer.


35-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the best way to save the manatees from the insidious threat of
> New Age Music?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just take away from them all their walkmanatees.
}
} You owe the Oracle a McManatee sandwich, extra meat.


35-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle,
>       Tell me what the address for the talk.bizzare...I am dying of
> curiosity to see how people talk bizzarre!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Many people think that talk.bizarre is a USENET newsgroup, but the
} Oracle knows the truth.  Talk.Bizarre is a secret fron for the
} transmission of coded secrets from the U.S.  to the Soviet Union, as is
} evidenced by the following message:
} -----
} Article 13314 of talk.bizarre:
} Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
} Subject: Moles in your feet <-----CODED TOP-SECRET SUBJECT
} Date: 24 Oct 89 22:52:40 GMT
} Distribution: na,fnord
} Organization: Roadkills-R-Us <-----GORBACHEV'S TOP-SECRET NAME.
} Lines: 26
}
} Moles said to tell you hi, Biff.
} He also said he checked with his Oracle, his Turtle Ingres (tm)
} and his /rdb, and he is allowed to marry multiple saughters.
} He asks that everyone wiat, however, until his frontal lobotomy
} heals, and his income doubles, before sending him any more
} saughters, as rog's is keeping him quite busy with the pooper
} scooper, thankyouverymuch.
}
} TRANSLATED:
} ----------
} The U.S. Ballistic Missile Submarine Los Angeles
} will be cruising 142.5 miles south-southeast of Sakhalin Island (tm) w/
} a new top-secret /RDB missile platform able to guide multiple launchers.
} We ask that you wait, however, until 10/29/89 10:12:32 GMT until the sub
} reaches the coordinates, and the chance of detection doubles, before
} trying to capture the sub, by keeping the escort fleet quite busy with
} distractions.
} ----------
} As you may now clearly see, talk.bizarre is a front for Soviet Spies
} transmitting top secret U.S. military secrets back to their contacts in
} the Soviet Union.
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the "Top Secret" video tape.  VHS format
} only, please.


35-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Draw me an ASCI representation of Lisa, our new net.sex.goddess.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best ASCII picture of Lisa is a picture of words:
}
} Her hair is the color of wet dreams
} Her eyes are as round as pelican's eggs.
} Her nose is as cute as a koala bear
} Her lips are as red and sensual as a pair of otters dipped in rouge.
} Her neck is as an alabaster pillar, and twice as stiff.
} Her arms are like arms.  what can I say?
} Her breasts are ... well, you only get to see the tops of them in this
} portrait.
}
} You owe the oracle a flea.


35-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How about an ASCII representation of Lisa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} How bout them ASCII representations of Lisa!  Why, they whumped the
} EBCDIC representations of Charlene right good.  I wuz a-watching it,
} drinking a fuckin' uuencoded Bud Light, and it wuz a right good game!
} Those ASCII reps o' Lisa took that ball and ran every which way.  Three
} touchdowns in the first innin', and then there was no stoppin' 'em!  And
} they whumped the BCD bitmap encodings of Gertrude, too, just last week!
} Them BCD-bitmap guys didn't seem to know if they was binary or decimal,
} against those ASCII reps.  Those ASCII reps is goddam *good*, I tell
} you!  They're going right to the nationals!  They're going to win the
} Pickle this year!  Right-on!
}
} How 'bout them ASCII representations of Lisa!


35-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can you explain the second law of thermodynamics (explain it in
> detail, please)...?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very simply.
}
} The harder you rub the hotter it gets.  If you rub too hard mass will
} become energy and there may be a discharge.  Always use a good insulator
} such as latex to protect yourself from such discharges.


35-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a tibia clausa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Something you put in your will to leave your legs to science.


35-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> My ocelot is whining.  Is she hungry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First of all, you ocelot a stupid questions. But since you asked...
}
} It's usually a good idea to eat something when drinking whine. In this
} way, she will be a lot less likely to make a fool out of herself at
} parties or pass out in a gutter. She will also be less likely to puke
} on her shoes, but if she does, it will be messier. Of course, if she's
} only got a little whine, she can get drunk a lot faster on an empty
} stomach. In an emergency, I recommend those little fishy crackers you
} find at bars and sci.aquaria, but only with wite whine.
}
} You owe the Oracle a C- in spelling.


35-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do cats have tails?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cats were designed as animals for the measuring of small spaces.  ("Not
} enough room to swing a cat".) While it would be possible to swing a cat
} without a tail, it would not be nearly as easy.  Cats' tails, then, are
} yet another example of ever-benevolant Providence smiling on human
} metaphor.
}
} You owe the oracle a cattail.


35-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a dulciana?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sees into your mind's eye and understands that you wish to
} know what a 'ducinea' is, and not, as your mortal fingers typed, a
} 'dulciana'.  The former, meaning MISTRESS or SWEETHEART is an obvious
} plea from you to The Oracle for help with your love life.  The latter,
} meaning DULLARD, or STUPID UMINAGINATIVE INSENSITIVE LOUT, a sorry and
} sad reference to your current state of affairs.


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