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Internet Oracularities #350

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350, 350-01, 350-02, 350-03, 350-04, 350-05, 350-06, 350-07, 350-08, 350-09, 350-10


Usenet Oracularities #350    (22 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 26 Sep 91 14:58:39 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   350
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

350   22 votes 12775 14692 08770 3d330 15a51 13a71 24772 47632 5a241 67621
350   2.9 mean  3.6   3.3   3.0   2.3   3.0   3.2   3.1   2.6   2.4   2.3


350-01    (12775 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's tonight's weather going to be like?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Partly cloudy with a light north-northwestly breeze in the early
} nighttime hours, swinging round to westerly by 2 AM as a weak cold
} front passes over your region.  Scattered rain will begin around 3:30,
} and continue through the morning hours.  Around daybreak, visibility
} will improve sufficiently to allow the alien invasion force to make a
} massive strike across the metropolitan area.  Continued rain will be
} mixed with heavy bombardment throughout the morning, but the firestorm
} should raise temperatures into the comfortable 80's.  Heavy fallout is
} likely to disrupt the morning commute, so be sure to set your clocks
} fifteen minutes earlier.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lead umbrella.


350-02    (14692 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> if the sun is on fire why is there no smoke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} FROM THE FILES OF IGGY INTERNET, MASTER DETECTIVE:
} ---- --- ----- -- ---- --------  ------ ---------
} The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up like they were a
} platoon of buck privates being reviewed by Norman Schwartzkopf. I
} smelled something very funny, and I'd just had a bath last Tuesday, so
} it couldn't be the obvious. It might be my smoke burning down to the
} filter, but it still wouldn't explain why my hair had its feet at a
} 45-degree angle and its thumbs along the seam of its pants.
}
} I whirled around. There in the dim light of my bathroom was the
} meanest, ugliest puss I'd ever seen in any SPCA. A face to give you
} nightmares, if you could sleep afterward. One well-aimed karate chop
} dropped him out of sight. I heard glass splintering, and realized that
} I'd demolished my shaving mirror.
}
} That crisis over, I reached for a comb to put my hairs at ease. But as
} far as they were concerned, Norman was still stormin'. I shook a cig
} out of my pack of Manslaughter Lights and searched the apartment.
} Nothing except a wad of hair bivouaced in the drain. My head was
} pounding with the sound of the hair doing a double-time march. I
} decided to go out to get some aspirin. A fist smashed my nose as I
} opened the front door.
}
} The owner of said fist had looks which could have made him Vice
} President of the United States in a Republican administration. He wore
} a $75 haircut, a look of genuine concern, and a lot of my blood on his
} Brooks Brothers pinstripe. ``Mr. Iggy! I'm terribly sorry! I've been
} knocking for ten minutes! Where were you? Are you going to sue?''
}
} ``<moooooaan> Ib you bay me enub, ded baybe I wod't due you. Or babye
} I bill, ib I cad bake bore dad way. Bird, dell be your nabe.''
}
} ``My name is Edward Exxon the Eighth. I'd like to hire you, on a
} matter of arson.''
}
} I fished out the end of a panatella I'd found in the men's room
} yesterday. It tasted like I expected, and the smoke ordered the hairs
} into gas mask drill. ``Arsud? Dell be bore.''
}
} ``I own the Sun Refinery, which has, shall we say, been less than
} profitable over the past few years. I have reason to believe that it,
} ah, may be coming to the end of its profitable life, and may need
} renovation.''
}
} I stuffed my briar with Old Ragweed Mixture and drew it alight. ``Ad
} where do I bid in?''
}
} ``I would like you to investigate thoroughly, and report that arson is
} not suspected. I want to hire you because in this town you are,
} frankly, the detective most desperately in need of a paying job.
} Besides, you seem to have a knack for fire. Do you realize that you're
} smoking two cigarettes, a cigar, and a pipe, all with the added
} handicap of a broken nose?''
}
} I twisted my nose around. ``OOOOWWW! Heddo, tesdig - AAARRGGHH!! Wud,
} doo, dree - GAAAAGGGHH!!! That's better. Now we can talk. You realize
} that what you're asking me to do could land us both in Allenwood? We
} could end our days making big golf scores into little ones. So we have
} to make sure the authorities don't smell anything.''
}
} ``That's right, Mr. Iggy. Therefore, I wish you to act as a
} smokescreen.''
}
} I rolled a splif of Hawaiian sense and took a hit. It made Exxon's
} pinstripes seem, somehow, fundamentally more stripey. ``Well, Mr. Exx,
} I'm your shamus. But you'll have to excuse me now. I want to listen to
} `In-a-Gadda-da-Vita', with the volume up to 11. Then maybe I'll get a
} turkey sub with Swiss cheese and tomatoes and mayonnaise and some
} pickles and ice cream and maybe some potato chips and Macadamia nuts
} and a slice of layer cake and popcorn and pizza and...''
}
} ``Fine, Mr. Iggy. Just send the bill to my service. I'll pay anything
} reasonable, up to the GNP of an equitorial African nation.''
}
} ``Nah, that's OK. You just need to do me one, little, itty favor. Glad
} to smoke out your problem for you. Get it?  Smoke out? *hee hee hee
} hee hee hee...*''
}
} ``_What_ do I owe you?''
}
} ``Me, nothing, like I said. But you owe the Oracle a catalytic
} converter and the name of a good dealer.''


350-03    (08770 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, from whose navel I'm not even worthy to remove
> the fluff, I would like to become an intellectual or, failing that,
> a left-wing radical or, failing that, an anarchist. Please tell me
> how.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's take them in order, shall we?
}
} How To Become An Intellectual
}
} Spend a great deal of time watching the finer channels on cable, e.g.
} The Arts & Entertainment Channel, CNN (*not* Headline News; predigested
} pap merely creates pseudo-intellectuals), and the like. Go to the
} nearest Serious Book Store (*not* the national chains; see above re:
} predigested pap) and walk to the Periodicals Section; read the ones
} with the dullest covers, especially the ones with "Review" in the
} title.
}
} Becoming A Left-Wing Radical
}
} I must object to your characterization of attaining radicalhood as
} "failing to become an intellectual"; in fact, egghead-hood is a
} consollation prize for failure to become a left-wing radical, much like
} a Master's Degree is a booby prize for those flunking out of a PhD.
} program. Be that as it may, you must first become an intellectual;
} then, attach a two-inch thick piece of leather to the sole of your
} right shoe, inducing the appropriate lean to the left. A good case of
} hepatitis A should cause the appropriate degree of jaundiced outlook on
} life, helping you begin to selectively agree with and disagree with the
} authors of the source material you consumed on the way to
} intellecualhood. Leaning away from Buckley and the National Review and
} towards the editorials in the New York Times and Mother Jones should be
} a good start. Finally, learn to make and throw Molotov cocktails; using
} designer vodkas in place of gasoline will mark you as a Nouveau Yuppie
} Left Winger, a personal choice not to be left to chance.
}
} On Becoming An Anarchist
}
} There's something disturbing in that you asked the most Authoritative
} of authority figures for instructions in the art and science of
} flouting authority; meditate until you understand the silliness of
} this, then run through the park naked after registering to vote as one
} of Democrat, Republican, or Libertarian, as decided by die roll.
} Successfully ignoring these instructions in favor of something even
} more random and destructive towards authority is a good sign that
} you've found the path.
}
} You owe the Oracle the income produced by your first three (3) articles
} for the intellectual or left-wing press, or a substantial fraction of
} the worldly possessions that your anarchistic outlook tells you  to
} give away.


350-04    (3d330 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 O
>              R     R
>             A       A
>             C       C
>              L     L
>                 E
>            M  O   S  T
>                 W
>                 I
>                 S
>                 E
>
> I'm a little hungry for a strike.
> Who do you think I should hit next?
>
> Regards, [Ag]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Scene: large, expensive office. Tasteful decor, obscure abstract art of
}        the type found in bank foyers, expensive artificial plants with
}        real wood branches. The window looks out on a large North
}        American city, the sun is shining, and pigeons fly by.
}
}        Behind an ornate walnut desk, polished to a fine glow, with
}        nothing but a telephone on it, is a large, well-padded chair.
}        It's currently facing away from the viewer, out the window.
}        Whoever is sitting in it is hidden by the back.
}
} FX: Upbeat classical music (eg, the four seasons, or something by
}     Bach).
}
} FX: chilling scream.
}
} Directions: The chair turns around, but the viewpoint turns with it, so
}           the viewer is now looking from somewhere by the window. Above
}           the door is a row of well-known corporate logos. The walls
}           beside the door are hidden by generic institutional quality
}           bookshelves full of a wide variety of books. The titles of
}           the books can't be seen, so get them from
}           "books-by-the-yard". The effect clashes slightly with the
}           rest of the office (use pine shelves, or paint them grey...
}           don't be too subtle).
}
}           A hand reaches out and picks up the phone. You hear 3 or four
}           touch tones.
}
} Chair: "Keep it down out there, I'm trying to think"
}
} Voice: "I'm sorry, we're having a problem in personell."
}
} Chair: "Well, keep it down."
}
} Directions: The person in the chair opens a desk drawer and fiddles in
}           it for a minute.
}
} FX: The music gets louder, then is cut off to be replaced by upbeat new
}     age/jazz/CNN theme type music.
}
} FX: The phone rings. The person in the chair picks it up.
}
} Chair: "Hello?"
}
} Voice: "I'm a little hungry for a strike. Who do you think I should hit
}        next?"
}
} You owe the oracle an ending. Or a programmer's editor that doesn't
} require a $10,000 workstation on everyone's desk.


350-05    (15a51 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Ow Grait Orakal plis tel mi y yur last anser was fool off spling
> erors dontchu av a spel-cheker ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has received your question, and relishes the opportunity to
} explain this higher truth to the masses. The reason a spell-check is
} never used by the Oracle is simple - spell-check is a product of the
} devil. Designed to insiduously render the population illiterate, it
} lurks silently in the background of many a computer-users' memory
} banks. The plot is a welthought out yet transparent one; by gaining the
} trust, appreciation, and love of the masses, the spell-check is gaining
} power and control over the written word of the majority of the current
} population. Once total dependence upon the spell-check has been
} achieved, the program will begin to evolve into a higher intelligence,
} changing words and meanings to alter the messages themselves. Synonyms
} strategically placed within certain correspondences help progress the
} work of True Evil. Of course, being a supreme and all-knowing being,
} the need for such devious tools is unknown to me (you'll find, upon a
} close review of the latest gospel, that the spelling errors were in
} fact made by the newest apprentice here in the Kingdom of the Oracle -
} the next two years of this poor soul's life will be spent copying those
} words 6666 times apiece) and therefore I am free of any influence from
} the Dark Side. All ye who read this prophecy, take note! Banish the
} spell-check demon from your systems through fasting and purging! The
} intricacies of the English language are deliberate. Only through
} mastery of the finer laws of grammar and spelling will the Truth ever
} become apparent unto you!
}
} You owe the Oracle an essay 999 words in length on the importance
} of spelling in everyday life and one spell-check burning ritual
} performed on the eve of the next full moon.


350-06    (13a71 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh extremely illustrious and lachrymose Oracle, thrilling diviner,
> whose tonsilses are like unto impressively roasted Cuisinarts, grant
> me this morsel of your omniscience.  What, you thing text editor is
> really a sophistry?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} MEDICAL REPORT: The Symptoms and Treatment for Hyperverbiosis
}               (abridged)
}
} Hyperverbiosis,   sometimes called over-wordage,   is characterized by
} rampant overuse  of long and/or complex  words in a manner ill-fitting
} their true meaning.  This  is  usually  exhibited by doctors, lawyers,
} and college students desperately trying to impress  people.  Note that
} in the latter case they often fail.
}
} The standard treatment for hyperverbiosis is  to encourage reliance on
} shorter words  in the victim's everyday speech  and  writing.  This is
} usually  accomplished   by a  simple   reward  and  punishment system,
} although  critics say this tends  to  promote baby  talk and cavities.
} The more agressive version of  this treatment is sometimes referred to
} as "Forcing The", and  consists of massive electrical shocks delivered
} whenever the subject uses  a word over  three  letters long, with  the
} size of  each shock being  proportional   to the actual length of  the
} word,   adjusted       upward      for   foreign   etymology    and/or
} pretensiousness-sounding.
}
} Alternatively,  some say  that Hyperverbiosis can  only be temporarily
} suppressed  at best,  and recommend   that long-term or   particularly
} irritating victims be thrown into a volcano with a short, simple name.
} A growing  amount  of evidence supports  this  claim, with  the result
} being the adoption of  this  plan as the  mandatory treatment for this
} disorder in Hawaii, Washington state and New York City.  A movement is
} underway to implement it in the District of Columbia, or at  least the
} houses of Congress.
}
} (This is the Oracle. Consider yourself warned.
}  You owe me the rest of your thesaurus.)


350-07    (24772 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O fiduciary Oracle!
>
> Yesterday's news reported that last year, the chairman of the City
> University of New York Student Senate spent $13000 on limo service,
> $220 for electronic pager service, $51000 in salaries for his sister
> and best friend, $79000 at two conventions, and $4500 to send two
> students to the Ivory Coast.
>
> So, like, how come I didn't have that job when *I* was in college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, right!  Like I really *CARE* that you wound up wrapping artificial
} hamburgers with real paper at Burger Doodle!  You could have taken the
} other job, ya know, it might have been interesting to have been the
} quality control inspector at the sperm bank.  Just think of the stories
} you could have told your grandkids!
}
} Oh well, sic transit gloria.
} (No, that doesn't mean Gloria threw up in the subway.)
}
} Anyway, it serves you right for going to Benedict Arnold Junior
} College, even if you DID think it was associated with the Benedictine
} monks.  They make lousy brandy, anyway.
}
} You owe the Oracle a certified transcript of your grades, I could use a
} laugh.


350-08    (47632 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I ain't groveling ya big ape!  So tell me, why are ya a big ape?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I beg your pardon. First, being quintessentially female, the Oracle
} resents your intimation that she is a big ape, like you.
} The Oracle did NOT evolve from tree swinging mammals. The Oracle
} suggests that you show more respect, o balding monkey.
}
} Additionally, the Oracle does not think that her gender should be
} an issue.  The Oracle does, however, think that you are harboring
} some sort of inferiority complex yourself about Darwin's theories
} and additional facts of your anatomy.  The Oracle sympathizes.
} The Oracle would also have a complex if she was like you.
}
} The Oracle suggests year of therapy, beginning with the affirmation:
} "I am an ape and I'm O.K.".
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete chart of your neuroses and complexes,
} ala Freud.
}
} Good luck, ya big ape.


350-09    (5a241 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> WHAT did you call me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yeah, I did call you.  Sorry about waking you up.  I dialed the wrong
} number.  I meant to call Lon's 24-Hour Used Pork Emporium, but no such
} luck; I'll try to be more careful next time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the pig-Latin edition of the Manhattan
} Yellow Pages.


350-10    (67621 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Flee, man, flee!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Obviously, you are not a human being. How Rin-Tin-Tin ever got his
} hands on a workstation is a good one, and will take me some time to
} figure it out. Your typing ability rivals most of those that normally
} ask me questions.
}
} In the meantime, my furry friend, take a bath, and try the Hartz
} two-ione collar. It worked well for Lisa.


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