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Internet Oracularities #351

Goto:
351, 351-01, 351-02, 351-03, 351-04, 351-05, 351-06, 351-07, 351-08, 351-09, 351-10


Usenet Oracularities #351    (22 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 28 Sep 91 10:53:53 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   351
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

351   22 votes 97321 65740 69610 14c50 46174 21595 16f00 44572 03577 37552
351   2.8 mean  2.0   2.4   2.1   3.0   3.0   3.6   2.6   3.0   3.8   2.8


351-01    (97321 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most pubicly aware Oracle of this small and insignifcant planet,
>
> If God is Love,
>    and Love is blind,
>    and Ray Charles is blind,
>    is Ray Charles God?
>
> You've got the right one, BABY!  UH-HUH!
>
> p.s. etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, foolish mortal, you got the wrong one, momma. Uh-uh!!
} I--whoops,I mean, God is more than Love. Love is more than blind. Ray
} Charles is less than blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is just a lousy
} musician who is highly overrated for his crummy performance in "The
} Bues Brothers."
}
} BTW, did you know that he got the whole Milli Vanilli syndrome started?
} Yes, he actually has someone playing the piano for him, as he blindly
} pounds on a stringless fake one. Who really plays? That's another
} question you can ask me at another time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Coke.


351-02    (65740 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wicked bad Oracle,
>
> For about three months there your Oracularities were about as exciting
> as watching ice melt, and about as funny as a road accident.  Since the
> beginning of September they have been witty and poignant.  What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is quite simple, mearly mortal being!  For the past several months,
} all of you have been asking stupid questions. Now that summer is over,
} you are getting to more important things. Like frat parties. Your
} questions are better now, except this one, which deserves a boring
} answer.


351-03    (69610 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great slavering Oracle, whose six-inch fangs would instantly crush
> a mere mortal, answer me this:
>
> If Old McDonald has a farm, why do McNuggets taste synthetic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old McDonald had a vision of himself as the greatest chickenbreeder
} ever. He started by bulding the biggest chicken food factory the world
} has seen. The chickens showed a massive aversion to the box-shaped food
} they were offered, and McDonald had to watch them all starve, no more
} beep-beep on his farm. Trying to save the last remnants of his family
} fortune, McDonald filled the box-shaped chicken feed with industrial
} waste from his own factory and sold it in an obscure fast-food chain.
}
} You owe the oracle a McEaster rabbit egg souffle.


351-04    (14c50 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Klone (aka Daniel Klein) <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you a duck?  Or why can't I find myself a new live explosive
> device?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a minute!  WHO told you about our new PUDD (Paddling Undercover
} Demolitions unit, Duck) Team?  We thought we had a SEVEN year jump on
} the Soviets in developing a new covert method of raising hell in the
} Kremlin by sending a crew of specially trained Mallards into Red Square
} and having them place explosives strategically camoflaged as duck poop
} and bread crumbs. Of course, we had to procure the latest in explosive
} technology, so we swiped the entire world supply of C-69, the latest in
} plastic explosives. Dang!  Well, congratulations, you're in a position
} to blow wide open a 12-year black program... then again, I guess we
} can't let you do that, now can we?  Too bad, we could've used more
} people like you...
}
} [knock knock]
}
} "quack quack... [cough cough] er... PIZZA MAN!"
} (didn't know ducks could talk, eh?)
}
} [sounds of violent struggling followed by a BOOM]
}
} You owe the Oracle... oh, nevermind, we'll bill you for the duck later.


351-05    (46174 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, I put your full name into a program and this is
> what it told me:
>
> The following are anagrams of The Usenet Oracle
>
> Ulcerate the ones.                      To enthuse cereal.
> Ulcerate the nose.                      The erect anus. Ole!
> He cruel to senate.                     Cleanse the outer.
> Resolute the acne.                      Erase the cunt! Ole!
> Eat the enclosure.                      Count the release.
> O! Release the cunt.                    To censure the ale.
> He's a tree cunt. Ole!                  Senate lecture oh!
> Censure the tale O!                     Hee, eat cunts lore!
> Cheats neuter ole!                      Resonate the clue.
> Hate eon lectures.                      Touch net release.
> He elect urea snot.                     Let us note a cheer.
> Use coherent tale.                      Let us enter a echo.
> Let's neuter. O! ache.                  Erase thence lout.
> Nucleate the sore.                      See to the unclear.
> Not see lecture ha!
>
> The longest word found using some of the letters:
> COELENTERATES
>
> Anagrams produced with SuperGram, a computer program
> for the Archimedes/A3000 range of computers.
>
> These are disturbing. I think you should change your name.
>
> Jim.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Failing to act as an all-seeing, all-knowing oracle, this Archimedes
} individual clearly has made a foul try to drag my name in the dirt.
} You should have given the task to ME instead !
}
} You owe the oracle a list of at least 27 anagrams composed out of your
} name.


351-06    (21595 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most overloaded, but yet capable to cope with silly questions,
> oracle, please answer my question:
>
> Why do I keep asking you these questions when I never have received any
> answer so far ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dagnabit, this silly mortal-developed mail technology never was worth
} a...
}
} AH - finally through!  Sorry, I actually have been getting your
} questions but for various reasons the answers failed to make their way
} back to you. So here are the answers to all the questions you've asked
} me:
}
} - Fifteen, if you don't count water on the knee.
}
} - Of course he did, how else do you think we've managed to stay out of
}   the EEC, the fact that we're not in Europe?  No way.
}
} - Holy cow, *I* wouldn't tell her if I were you!
}
} - No, you won't really go blind, that's an old wives' tale.  Try to
}   stay away from old wives while you're doing it, though.
}
} - 7:PM on Friday (6:00 Central and Mountain) so you'd better be ready
}   to finish the spin cycle by no later than 3:30.
}
} - That's disgusting!!  Even Lisa and I have never done anything like
}   that. Hmmm...   uh, Lisa?
}
} - No, I wouldn't say that you would have to bribe a congressman just
}   for something like that.  Make sure that you're not observed by the
}   FBI, NSA, BCCI or the ASPCA though.
}
} - It's recommended that you ignore the recipe and use TWO teaspoonsfull
}   of liquid nitrogen to give it that extra something your dog will love
}   you for.
}
} - Because.
}
} - 2700, and don't ever ask me that kind of question again.
}
} - Have you tried holding your nose and coughing?  That always works for
}   me.
}
} - $20, same as in town.
}
} - A space-android transvestite Nazi-junkie will always fall for that
}   old "something on your tie" gag, so use that to disarm it and then go
}   for the wallet.
}
} - No, I didn't, and you can't prove anything either.
}
} - Hope doth spring eternal in the human breast.
}
} There, I think that about answers you all up.
}
} You owe the Oracle someplace to put all the stuff He asks for from
} everyone else that he can't really use.


351-07    (16f00 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Big Guy!
>
>       I noticed today that you do not have any questions to ask!
>       Looks like folks don't care much for your answers eh?
>
>       It figures.. You Big Guy's have only muscle and no brains.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, you have it all wrong.  I did not ask you a question because
} _I_ don't care much for _your_ answers.
}
} After all, we DO have standards around here, especially since SK's
} rot13 encoder broke after the orgy early last summer.
}
} Face it, you have got to learn that you cannot simply answer every
} single question you get "42".
}
} You owe the Oracle an answer that gets at least a 3.3 from the panel.


351-08    (44572 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle,
> wonder of this world,
> so wonderful a spectacle,
> that i must wear a blindfold.
>
> I'd die to know why my friends keep laughing at me about
> my particular habit of collectioning nudies pictures ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, your poetic groveling does my heart good.  The
} friends of which you speak either probably never had a date
} or are getting the real thing all the time.
}
} I myself collect such pictures, and see nothing wrong with
} it.  Who would dare laugh at the Oracle anyway?  Here's
} a little of my own poetry that I think addresses this
} concern ...
}
} Your friends are laughing,
} do not fret,
} it's not really funny,
} till the pictures get wet.
}
} You owe the Oracle a GIF of your choice from alt.sex.pictures


351-09    (03577 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who even Dr. Kinsey himself needs to ask for sexual
> advice, I humbly beseech thee to tell me the fundemental truths behind
> why one of each pair of my socks disappear in the dryer.  [obligatory
> bowing and scraping here]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fill-in-your-own-grovelling.  What is the world coming to?  Next thing
} you know I'll be getting grovelling macros.  Well, I'm in a charitable
} mood, and you did grovel a little bit in your own humble, pathetic way,
} so I suppose I'll give you an answer.
}
} Yours is an interesting question.  It is a question that has baffled
} scientists, philosophers, metaphysicists, and Erma Bombeck fans for
} years.  No one has come up with an answer to date.  No one, that is,
} except the Oracle.  Yes, I and I alone know the answer to this all-
} important question, and now I'm ready to share it with the world!  Yes,
} the One True Sock Answer is now before you: those socks that you
} thought were lost forever in time and space actually ended up, after
} travelling through a special patented Chrono-synclastic Infundibulum
} that has mysteriously been appearing in dryers everywhere, to...MY
} WAREHOUSE! Yes, it's...
}
}       THE USENET ORACLE'S HOUSE O' MISMATCHED SOCKS!
}
} Yes, my friends, now it can be told, and at WHAT A SAVINGS.  The Oracle
} is liquidating his entire stock of millions upon millions of mismatched
} socks!  Yup, I've been collecting them since the modern clothes dryer
} appeared in the late 1940s and now I'm ready to sell them to you at
} BLOW-OUT LIQUIDATION PRICES!  I've got argyles!  Tubes!  Athletics!
} Even wool!
}
} Now you may be asking yourself, "How can I cash in on this amazing
} once-in-a-lifetime offer??  How much does the fabulous Oracle want
} for this form-fitting footwear?"  How much would you expect to pay
} for a vintage mismatched sock?  $40?  $50??  AHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!!!
} DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!  These socks are coming to you for the amazing
} ONE-TIME PRICE of only $9.95 each!  No, that was NOT line noise!
} $9.95 each!  Yes, for only $9.95 YOU can own a randomly selected
} sock from the Oracle's vast warehouse in downtown Hoboken!  Maybe it
} was once worn by a powerful chief of state!  Maybe it was once worn
} by a famous Hollywood star!!  MAYBE it was once worn by ELVIS
} PRESLEY!!!
}
} Now I think I mentioned what a generous, charitable mood I'm in today.
} That's why I'm prepared to offer you the following INCREDIBLE DEAL:
} TWO SOCKS for only $16.95!  Yes, TWO beautiful anonymous socks for
} the low low price of $16.95!!  ORDER YOURS TODAY!!  Just run your
} favorite mailer and send your address and credit card number to:
} oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!  That's oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!
} Once again, that address is: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!  And
} don't forget to ask about our special SACK O' SOCKS, featuring over
} 100 RANDOMLY SELECTED mismatched socks!  ONE OF THEM MAY BE YOURS!
}
} And remember our guarantee: Each and every sock sent to you is
} GUARANTEED to be COMPLETELY DRY, or your money back!
}
} You owe the Oracle $5.00 in quarters for the laundromat.


351-10    (37552 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's it going to be then, eh?
> --
> [signature with an address in the nasa.gov domain deleted -sk]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With an attitude like this, it's no wonder the Hubble Space Telescope
} needs glasses.
}
} You owe the oracle a new Graphics Programmer for NASA.


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