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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most pubicly aware Oracle of this small and insignifcant planet, > > If God is Love, >    and Love is blind, >    and Ray Charles is blind, >    is Ray Charles God? > > You've got the right one, BABY!  UH-HUH! > > p.s. etc.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, foolish mortal, you got the wrong one, momma. Uh-uh!! } I--whoops,I mean, God is more than Love. Love is more than blind. Ray } Charles is less than blind. Therefore, Ray Charles is just a lousy } musician who is highly overrated for his crummy performance in "The } Bues Brothers." } } BTW, did you know that he got the whole Milli Vanilli syndrome started? } Yes, he actually has someone playing the piano for him, as he blindly } pounds on a stringless fake one. Who really plays? That's another } question you can ask me at another time. } } You owe the Oracle a case of Coke.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wicked bad Oracle, > > For about three months there your Oracularities were about as exciting > as watching ice melt, and about as funny as a road accident.  Since the > beginning of September they have been witty and poignant.  What gives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is quite simple, mearly mortal being!  For the past several months, } all of you have been asking stupid questions. Now that summer is over, } you are getting to more important things. Like frat parties. Your } questions are better now, except this one, which deserves a boring } answer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, great slavering Oracle, whose six-inch fangs would instantly crush > a mere mortal, answer me this: > > If Old McDonald has a farm, why do McNuggets taste synthetic?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Old McDonald had a vision of himself as the greatest chickenbreeder } ever. He started by bulding the biggest chicken food factory the world } has seen. The chickens showed a massive aversion to the box-shaped food } they were offered, and McDonald had to watch them all starve, no more } beep-beep on his farm. Trying to save the last remnants of his family } fortune, McDonald filled the box-shaped chicken feed with industrial } waste from his own factory and sold it in an obscure fast-food chain. } } You owe the oracle a McEaster rabbit egg souffle.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you a duck?  Or why can't I find myself a new live explosive > device?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wait a minute!  WHO told you about our new PUDD (Paddling Undercover } Demolitions unit, Duck) Team?  We thought we had a SEVEN year jump on } the Soviets in developing a new covert method of raising hell in the } Kremlin by sending a crew of specially trained Mallards into Red Square } and having them place explosives strategically camoflaged as duck poop } and bread crumbs. Of course, we had to procure the latest in explosive } technology, so we swiped the entire world supply of C-69, the latest in } plastic explosives. Dang!  Well, congratulations, you're in a position } to blow wide open a 12-year black program... then again, I guess we } can't let you do that, now can we?  Too bad, we could've used more } people like you... } } [knock knock] } } "quack quack... [cough cough] er... PIZZA MAN!" } (didn't know ducks could talk, eh?) } } [sounds of violent struggling followed by a BOOM] } } You owe the Oracle... oh, nevermind, we'll bill you for the duck later.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, I put your full name into a program and this is > what it told me: > > The following are anagrams of The Usenet Oracle > > Ulcerate the ones.                      To enthuse cereal. > Ulcerate the nose.                      The erect anus. Ole! > He cruel to senate.                     Cleanse the outer. > Resolute the acne.                      Erase the cunt! Ole! > Eat the enclosure.                      Count the release. > O! Release the cunt.                    To censure the ale. > He's a tree cunt. Ole!                  Senate lecture oh! > Censure the tale O!                     Hee, eat cunts lore! > Cheats neuter ole!                      Resonate the clue. > Hate eon lectures.                      Touch net release. > He elect urea snot.                     Let us note a cheer. > Use coherent tale.                      Let us enter a echo. > Let's neuter. O! ache.                  Erase thence lout. > Nucleate the sore.                      See to the unclear. > Not see lecture ha! > > The longest word found using some of the letters: > COELENTERATES > > Anagrams produced with SuperGram, a computer program > for the Archimedes/A3000 range of computers. > > These are disturbing. I think you should change your name. > > Jim.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Failing to act as an all-seeing, all-knowing oracle, this Archimedes } individual clearly has made a foul try to drag my name in the dirt. } You should have given the task to ME instead ! } } You owe the oracle a list of at least 27 anagrams composed out of your } name.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most overloaded, but yet capable to cope with silly questions, > oracle, please answer my question: > > Why do I keep asking you these questions when I never have received any > answer so far ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dagnabit, this silly mortal-developed mail technology never was worth } a... } } AH - finally through!  Sorry, I actually have been getting your } questions but for various reasons the answers failed to make their way } back to you. So here are the answers to all the questions you've asked } me: } } - Fifteen, if you don't count water on the knee. } } - Of course he did, how else do you think we've managed to stay out of }   the EEC, the fact that we're not in Europe?  No way. } } - Holy cow, *I* wouldn't tell her if I were you! } } - No, you won't really go blind, that's an old wives' tale.  Try to }   stay away from old wives while you're doing it, though. } } - 7:PM on Friday (6:00 Central and Mountain) so you'd better be ready }   to finish the spin cycle by no later than 3:30. } } - That's disgusting!!  Even Lisa and I have never done anything like }   that. Hmmm...   uh, Lisa? } } - No, I wouldn't say that you would have to bribe a congressman just }   for something like that.  Make sure that you're not observed by the }   FBI, NSA, BCCI or the ASPCA though. } } - It's recommended that you ignore the recipe and use TWO teaspoonsfull }   of liquid nitrogen to give it that extra something your dog will love }   you for. } } - Because. } } - 2700, and don't ever ask me that kind of question again. } } - Have you tried holding your nose and coughing?  That always works for }   me. } } - $20, same as in town. } } - A space-android transvestite Nazi-junkie will always fall for that }   old "something on your tie" gag, so use that to disarm it and then go }   for the wallet. } } - No, I didn't, and you can't prove anything either. } } - Hope doth spring eternal in the human breast. } } There, I think that about answers you all up. } } You owe the Oracle someplace to put all the stuff He asks for from } everyone else that he can't really use.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Yo Big Guy! > >       I noticed today that you do not have any questions to ask! >       Looks like folks don't care much for your answers eh? > >       It figures.. You Big Guy's have only muscle and no brains.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, you have it all wrong.  I did not ask you a question because } _I_ don't care much for _your_ answers. } } After all, we DO have standards around here, especially since SK's } rot13 encoder broke after the orgy early last summer. } } Face it, you have got to learn that you cannot simply answer every } single question you get "42". } } You owe the Oracle an answer that gets at least a 3.3 from the panel.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, > wonder of this world, > so wonderful a spectacle, > that i must wear a blindfold. > > I'd die to know why my friends keep laughing at me about > my particular habit of collectioning nudies pictures ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My child, your poetic groveling does my heart good.  The } friends of which you speak either probably never had a date } or are getting the real thing all the time. } } I myself collect such pictures, and see nothing wrong with } it.  Who would dare laugh at the Oracle anyway?  Here's } a little of my own poetry that I think addresses this } concern ... } } Your friends are laughing, } do not fret, } it's not really funny, } till the pictures get wet. } } You owe the Oracle a GIF of your choice from alt.sex.pictures

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, who even Dr. Kinsey himself needs to ask for sexual > advice, I humbly beseech thee to tell me the fundemental truths behind > why one of each pair of my socks disappear in the dryer.  [obligatory > bowing and scraping here]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fill-in-your-own-grovelling.  What is the world coming to?  Next thing } you know I'll be getting grovelling macros.  Well, I'm in a charitable } mood, and you did grovel a little bit in your own humble, pathetic way, } so I suppose I'll give you an answer. } } Yours is an interesting question.  It is a question that has baffled } scientists, philosophers, metaphysicists, and Erma Bombeck fans for } years.  No one has come up with an answer to date.  No one, that is, } except the Oracle.  Yes, I and I alone know the answer to this all- } important question, and now I'm ready to share it with the world!  Yes, } the One True Sock Answer is now before you: those socks that you } thought were lost forever in time and space actually ended up, after } travelling through a special patented Chrono-synclastic Infundibulum } that has mysteriously been appearing in dryers everywhere, to...MY } WAREHOUSE! Yes, it's... } }       THE USENET ORACLE'S HOUSE O' MISMATCHED SOCKS! } } Yes, my friends, now it can be told, and at WHAT A SAVINGS.  The Oracle } is liquidating his entire stock of millions upon millions of mismatched } socks!  Yup, I've been collecting them since the modern clothes dryer } appeared in the late 1940s and now I'm ready to sell them to you at } BLOW-OUT LIQUIDATION PRICES!  I've got argyles!  Tubes!  Athletics! } Even wool! } } Now you may be asking yourself, "How can I cash in on this amazing } once-in-a-lifetime offer??  How much does the fabulous Oracle want } for this form-fitting footwear?"  How much would you expect to pay } for a vintage mismatched sock?  $40?  $50??  AHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA!!! } DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH!  These socks are coming to you for the amazing } ONE-TIME PRICE of only $9.95 each!  No, that was NOT line noise! } $9.95 each!  Yes, for only $9.95 YOU can own a randomly selected } sock from the Oracle's vast warehouse in downtown Hoboken!  Maybe it } was once worn by a powerful chief of state!  Maybe it was once worn } by a famous Hollywood star!!  MAYBE it was once worn by ELVIS } PRESLEY!!! } } Now I think I mentioned what a generous, charitable mood I'm in today. } That's why I'm prepared to offer you the following INCREDIBLE DEAL: } TWO SOCKS for only $16.95!  Yes, TWO beautiful anonymous socks for } the low low price of $16.95!!  ORDER YOURS TODAY!!  Just run your } favorite mailer and send your address and credit card number to: } oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!  That's oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu! } Once again, that address is: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu!  And } don't forget to ask about our special SACK O' SOCKS, featuring over } 100 RANDOMLY SELECTED mismatched socks!  ONE OF THEM MAY BE YOURS! } } And remember our guarantee: Each and every sock sent to you is } GUARANTEED to be COMPLETELY DRY, or your money back! } } You owe the Oracle $5.00 in quarters for the laundromat.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's it going to be then, eh? > -- > [signature with an address in the nasa.gov domain deleted -sk]

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} With an attitude like this, it's no wonder the Hubble Space Telescope } needs glasses. } } You owe the oracle a new Graphics Programmer for NASA.