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Internet Oracularities #352

Goto:
352, 352-01, 352-02, 352-03, 352-04, 352-05, 352-06, 352-07, 352-08, 352-09, 352-10


Usenet Oracularities #352    (24 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 2 Oct 91 10:16:22 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   352
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

352   24 votes 27663 77451 19b21 26592 157a1 48840 68262 18771 16962 76551
352   2.8 mean  3.0   2.4   2.7   3.1   3.2   2.5   2.6   3.0   3.1   2.5


352-01    (27663 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient Oracle, whose ankle I am too fat to floss with, whose
> sexiness fills the Amsterdam of our lives as the stars do brighten the
> night sky, without whom Cleveland would be incomprehensible, without
> whom reality would be brain-dead, do tell me this, please.  What, you
> thing peccary is really a scabbard?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the great quest for your answer, I have traveled to the very edges
} of your puny solar system, and beyond, so I may ask the lords of the
} worlds.
}
} I travelled to the orbits of the great animals and the falling stars
} so that I may ask the rulers of the heavenly spheres.
}
} I travelled to the other known and unknown galaxies so that I may ask
} the Gods of All Beings.
}
} I travelled into the very depths of humanity so that I may ask every
} man's heart of Gold.
}
} I descended unto hell so that I could ask the corrupter of souls, who
} knows of all evil in the Universe.
}
} I ascended into the Great Beyond, home of all truth and good, so I
} could ask this of the Creator himself.
}
} In each of these places, I went and showed the text of your question
} to the Powers that Be; and to a man, woman, spirit or diety, in all
} cases, their response was the same:
}
} "Say WHAT?!  This dude is CONFUSED!  Git outta here."
}
} You owe the Oracle a new pair of Reeboks, if not a new pair of feet.
} (Owww...)


352-02    (77451 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Great Oracle of the electronic pathways, a great question has
> weighed heavily on my mind in recent days.  Pray tell me, why are the
> pictures I take with my new camera always just a little bit too dim?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} From the home office at VT240 and the mind of Road Dawg
} (AWOOOOOOOOOO!), we have the top ten reasons for your photographer
} problem, which follow:
}
}       10:  It's your fault, Charlie Brown.  You've got your finger on
}            the lens, and thus are only looking at your thumb (ever
}            wonder why all the photos seem to be of a canyon?).
}        9.  You have your eyes closed when viewing said photos.
}        8.  Peanut butter (that comes from the schizophrenic in us all).
}        9.  Wow man, it's real groovy inside these electronic pathways.
}            I wish we'd sober up and get the hell out of here, man.
}        8.  You have the lens cap on while snapping said photos. Either
}            you are pretty stupid, or you are insane. In that case, set
}            the camera down and either go get a Brain (tm) or go to your
}            rubber room and slip on this nice little jacket.
}        8.  Boy, I wish I knew what came after eight, so I could end
}            this list.
}
}       And the number one reason why you photos are so dim...
}        1.  (as promised).  Because you are using the wrong lens at the
}            wrong time at the wrong place.  Step back into your time
}            machine and get back 2020.
}
} You owe the Oracle something that you can't get and thus owe the
} Oracle. See the first part of this sentence, and wham! you're caught in
} an infinite loop.


352-03    (19b21 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> [I think we lost part of the question here -sk]
> between them is NOT a straight line (such is really the case!) what's
> the longest possible route from A to B?
>
>         To prove that the shortest distance between two points is not a
>         straightline, simply take a piece of paper and place a dot
>
> Now fold the paper in half such that the two points touch....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As far as know, there are two possibilities for longest routes from A
} to B.
}
} 1)  Tear your sheet of paper in half and mail one half to Greenland via
} the US Mail with no return address.  Point A will travel an infinite
} distance trying to get back to Point B, which will reside on your
} refridgerator under a Snoopy(tm) magnet indefinately.
}
} 2)  AZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCB
}     |--longest route A to B--|
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of any Non-Euclidean Geometry textbook
} published prior to the Reagan Administration.


352-04    (26592 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Woof!  Woof woof!!   Bark, grrrr, woof!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         I swear, these questions are just going to the dogs. The
} bone is between the two trees in the yard, about six inches down.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE nothing, Fido, except to let your
} master do the asking from now on.


352-05    (157a1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and ponderous one, whose intelligence rivals that of, uh, who
> is really REALLY smart, would you please answer the most humble of
> questions and settle an argument about your greatness?  My friend is
> curious about the status of Lisa.  We both have been away from the
> planet for a while, and do not know. Somehow she has the idea that Lisa
> is SK's little sister, while I think that it does not matter whose
> sister she is.  You still bagging the babe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Lisa is Dan Rather's niece.  I have never bagged her, although once I
} folded her up inside a suitcase and had her shipped to Detroit.


352-06    (48840 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Oh almighty Oracle, whose sight is too devine to look at, please
> answer me this..
>
>  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The chicken soup was first, followed quickly by the omlette.


352-07    (68262 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle powerful, Oracle wise,
> Oracle smarter than all of us guys,
> Oracle mystical, Oracle magic,
> Oracle comic, historic, and tragic,
> Oracle holy and also sublime,
> Oracle clever (most of the time),
> Oracle tubular, Oracle cool,
> Oracle who seldom is anyone's fool,
> Oracle greater than squirrel or moose,
> Oracle, why did God take Dr. Seuss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I hate fish.


352-08    (18771 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was it Dan Quayle who said, "War is like a stupid spaniel.  Sometimes
> it is fine.  Sometimes it flies from bush to tree to shrub."?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my confused one, it was Karl von Clausewitz.  His exact words were,
} "War is like a stupid vice president.  Sometimes it is fine.  Sometimes
} it flies from one public appearance to another, making a complete ass
} of itself."
}
} You owe the Oracle a bust of Napolean, executed in cream cheese.


352-09    (16962 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I am gourd ... I am dove ... Feel me weave your ears into a tapestry
> that spans galaxies ... but keep it out of reach of children ... why
> is this done in general?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Segmentation fault.  Gourd dumped.


352-10    (76551 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Name you fee!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You owe the Oracle a band spankin new "r" key.


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