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Internet Oracularities #353

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Usenet Oracularities #353    (21 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 4 Oct 91 17:52:24 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   353
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

353   21 votes 13a43 23862 0017d 04881 17823 33d02 26841 25464 18471 38622
353   3.2 mean  3.2   3.1   4.6   3.3   3.0   2.8   2.8   3.2   3.0   2.6


353-01    (13a43 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle of the nether circuits, my life has been marred by one
> of those niggly little things that can bring down a civilisation - A
> Question.
>
> The question is:
>       " Why is a carrot more orange than an Orange? "

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the question is "Why do people enclose their own statements
} in quotation marks when they aren't quoting?"  The answer is "Because
} they were dropped on their heads when they were babies."
}
} Carrots are orange because they contain carotene, a crystalline
} hydrocarbon pigment.  Oranges are orange because they contain orange
} juice, a tart breakfast drink.  Most orange juice is concentrated and
} then reconstituted, a process which significantly reduces its natural
} color, and leave it with a fresh, wholesome taste not unlike battery
} acid.
}
} You owe the Oracle one person who honestly believes that ripe Florida
} oranges are "yellow, or even a little green".


353-02    (23862 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> How come the Federal Government has raised the taxes on referees?  I
> can't afford to referee my son's Little League games anymore.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very simple, really.  Like most government actions, it is a plot to
} ruin your life.  Your son will continue to play Little League, but
} he'll be the only boy whose father doesn't help out.  As a result, he
} will be teased mercilessly, taunted, chased, beaten to a bloody pulp,
} and generally ostracized like the vile scum that he is.  Or rather,
} that you are.  All the other parents will hate him, too, since they are
} out sweating on the ball field while you are at home watching Wheel of
} Fortune.  As a result of this utter lack of nuturation, your son will
} grow up to be a maladjusted sociopathic paranoid-schizophrenic, will
} insist that everyone refer to him as "Number 96," and will be gunned
} down by the New York City SWAT team on a cold winter afternoon after he
} has terrorized 14 nuns with a sub-machine gun.  His last words will be
} "It's Daddy's fault!"  You will be arrested and charged under the
} Parental Malpractice Act of 1998, and sentenced to castration without
} anesthetic.
}
} On the other hand, you might want to figure out why you want to referee
} a baseball game.  They usually used umpires.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed picture of Charles Manson.


353-03    (0017d dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty Oracle, endowed with the wisdom of the Universe and one
> _really_ nasty babe for a main squeeze,
>
> Why do people think legalizing drugs is The Answer? I thought The
> Answer was 42.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The great and mighty Oracle has deigned to give you an answer to this
} question. You should offer thanks.
}
} Throughout time immemorial, it has been asked: What is the purpose of
} human existance?
}
} At first this was easy. The answer was food
}
} You see, back in the Paleozoooliphic, the answer to everything was
} either food or rock.
}
} What do you want? "Food" Where do you live? "Rock" Look, that guy is
} making off with your stuff, what will you do? "Rock make him food!"
}
} As you can see, conversation wasn't too stimulating, and philosophers
} were stuck with saying things like "rock is rock" and "food is not
} rock" Luckily rock candy had not been invented yet.
}
} Many years passed, vocab increased, and finally the ancient greeks got
} back around to the question. Socrates explained how the question had no
} meaning. He of course was wrong, but he was such a great pain in the
} ass that people agreed with him to shut him up. Finally, they slipped
} some hemlock in his tea, and that was that.
}
} Later, once the vocabulary had gotten all settled, the
} Romans came up with another answer, one which many of us would agree
} with today. This, of course was sex. It was later found, however, that
} sex could not be the answer. Sex was the question. Yes was the answer.
}
} This whole issue got more confused around the time of Jesus. You see,
} Jesus was convinced that Love was the answer. By this, he did not mean
} what most people think of as love, because then he could have just
} said that sex is the answer. That would lead to the problem above,
} Now, Love might be a possible alternative to sex, but the Romans
} were so upset by the idea that sex wasn't it, that they nailed Jesus
} to a couple of planks.
}
} The Roman empire fell to the barbarians, and it was back to food for
} most of the dark ages.
}
} When the Renaissance finally hit, the answer was Painting. Later on
} they decided that that was just too silly, and changed it to
} Enlightenment.
} This worked fine for the aristocracy, but, at least in France, the
} pesants revolted, and settled firmly on food again.
}
} Not too much after this, drugs spread out through western culture.
} Some people at this time suggested that drugs were the answer, but
} Opium isn't really powerful enough to blot out all other questions, so
} it was quietly shelved for a later date.
}
} At one point this century, the proposal "Coke is it" was widely
} spread, but if Coke was it, what was New Coke? It flat and too sweet?
} No, that idea was also disregarded.
}
} In the '60s, everything disregarded came back with a vengance (except
} painting, it was still too silly) "Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll."
} The Republicans hated this (They thought the answer was Money), and
} they conspired to break the idea at its weak point; Drugs. So went the
} revisionists (who ignored the fact that George Washington grew
} Marijuana), and they outlawed drugs. Outlawing sex would have been
} nice for them, but even they realized that Republicans, at least, had
} to reproduce.
}
} In 197something, Douglas Adams decided that the answer to Life, the
} Universe and Everything was 42. Being irrational, it made it difficult
} to refute, and so was popular among young Democrats (Who had lost so
} many brain cells due to drugs that they were equally irrational), and
} science fiction fans (who were so weird that they could just accept
} it).
}
} You now see where your question fits in. Some people think that the
} solution is to legalize Drugs, and some think that the answer is 42.
} Others think it is sex, a few still believe in Coke, and food is a
} perrenial favorite. Of course the true answer is there, and has been
} for a while...
}
} The answer is....
}
} Painting. Of course.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Velvet Elvis.


353-04    (04881 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose giraffe is nutritious, whose finch is kittenish,
> whose wolf is regulatory, whose clam is scatterbrained, whose marmot
> is Roman, whose elephant is robust, whose butterfly is pacific, whose
> raven is jello-coated, whose cobra is extravagent, whose otter is
> righteous, whose whale is torpid, whose ferret is cloudy, whose
> panther is perverted, whose gerbil is Egyptian, whose oyster is
> Hungarian, whose ant is vigorous, whose mastodon is rudimentary, whose
> mutant is purely greater, whose weretiger is accessible, whose manta
> ray is crossly whinging, whose spider is serene, whose baboon is mild,
> whose goat is managerial, whose mouse is saucy, whose praying mantis
> is outgoing, whose squid is rather seriously exquisite, whose bear is
> grotty, whose trilobite is Finnish, whose piranha is fastidious, whose
> baby finch is slightly atavistic, whose mussel is bespectacled, whose
> snail is vile, whose kiwi bird is florid, please answer me this
> question.  Where can I get a zoo as wonderful as yours?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, my child!  How Glad I am that you asked this.  Being all-powerful
} and all-knowing does have its privileges, if you know I what I mean.
} To obtain such a zoo, such a wonderful collection of amazing animals,
} is possible for mere mortals, but it 'tis difficult.
}
} Zeroth off, you must have plenty of space.  _Lots_ of space to hold
} all of your critters.  Yes, some are small, as is the obsequeous
} termite, and some are quite large, as is the vanilla-flavored
} brontasauraus.
}
} Firstly, you must acquire a support staff.  One mere polyunsaturated
} human cannot comprehend the amount of feeding required by such a
} menagerie, nor can she comprehend the amount of, um, waste material,
} generated by such a collection.  You could feed this effluent to a pack
} of lecherous lawyers, but why spoil your zoo with such squalid animals?
}
} Secondly, get your animals.  There are many schools of thought to
} obtaining beasts and birds, fowl and fish.  The time-honored way is to
} construct a wooden boat (look up "ark" in your encyclopedia.  Be sure
} to skip over the section labeled "arkansas"), and look at the sky as if
} it were about to rain.  You should, after a short time have a breeding
} pair of every animal, from the exhorbitant aarrddvvaark, to the
} Fun-Sized(tm) Zebra.
}
} the second way to capture your animals is beyond the capabilities of
} ordinary non-powerful beings.  When you have figured out how to warp
} time and space, cured the common cold, and have discovered Dan Quayle's
} intellect, give me a call.
}
} Lastly, you must have a _complete_ collection of animals.  The list you
} gave, while accurate, is but a mere shadow of all of the creatures that
} are lurking, nee existing and thriving in the universe around us.
}
} Do not forget the wombat that is lethargic, the Tasmanian Devil that is
} wholesome, the Denebian Slime Devil that is bedraggled, the American
} Game Show Host that is disgusting, the rodent that is opto-mechanical,
} the penguin that is electrified, the snuffleupagous that is divine.
}
} Please enjoy yourself in constructing your zoo.
}
} You owe the Oracle badgers that are beautiful.  Lots of them.


353-05    (17823 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Thy sly and cruelly honest oracle, thy words are like cutting
> blades on the lies of society.  Why is it that women are much more
> friendly when accessed through the usenet than when met face to face??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    Because most of the ``women'' on the net are men who have gone
} through a certain readjustment period, which usually follows the
} pattern below.
}
}    1) Realised that most of the women on the net are men.
}
}    2) Posted to alt.personals, mailed every user on every computer
} within two hundred miles with a message like ``I'm a hot chick who
} wants erotic email.''
}
}    3) Sat back and waited for their mailbox to fill.
}
}    4) Teased any bloke they can find into a (possibly international)
} plane flight through offering to have coffee with the mailer.
}
}    5) Turned up with a bunch of friends to see how long the jet-lagged
} traveller will wait around. Some of them take sleeping bags in case
} it's a long wait. You never heard of the phrase ``Go down to there and
} turn left where the computer-geek is still waiting for his date.''
}
}    6) Decided to try to get another computer date, ends up getting in
} touch with one of his previous victims. See step 4.
}
}    And thus ends(?) the vicious cycle.
}
}    You owe the oracle (incarnated as mark@maths.su.oz.au) the date of
} your last non-computer conversation with a female.


353-06    (33d02 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where the fuck do they keep the one million different kinds of blue
> around here?  I'm starting to discover the truth about raisins.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In light of the fact that your question didn't even have a smidgen of
} grovelling in it, I'll demonstrate one of my favorite kinds of blue,
} namely the lightning bolt that narrowly misses your head...
} --*~*~*~*~*~> ZZZAP!
}
} Oh lowly mortal, when will you realize that all of the colors you'll
} ever need to name may be found in the Crayola(tm) 64 crayon set!
} Cornflower blue, periwinkle, aqua...what more do you humans need?!
}
} As for raisins, the truth is they're little and wrinkled.
}
} You owe the Oracle an etch-a-sketch and some prune juice.


353-07    (26841 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   should i sell the thing, or keep the parts for later use?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} break the thing, buy magic bean, plant in an old RS232 port, watch
} grow an immense beanstalk, climb beanstalk, meet beautiful princess,
} kiss beautiful princess, make love beautiful princess, get hernia, be
} flat on back when giant comes in, get squished.
}
} no.  that bad idea.
}
} keep for parts, ten years now use parts IBM 5623 Personal Robot, watch
} robot go berserk, watch robot grow five hundred feet tall, watch robot
} emit radiation beams from RS232 port, run find mad scientist for stop
} robot, find mad scientist lab, mad scientist out, beautiful assistant
} in, kiss beautiful assistant, make love beautiful assistant, robot
} step on mad scientist lab, get squished.
}
} um.  make love, get squished either way.  you choose.
}
} Owe Oracle RS232 port.


353-08    (25464 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise one, whose mere parameters I am not worthy to type
> after that damn slash-backslash thing, tell me this:
>
> If one out of every four children are born Chinese, and you've already
> had three children......

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} An hour later you're horny again.
}
} You owe the Oracle an order of Peking duck without the usual 24 hour
} wait.


353-09    (18471 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, this is sure great.  i sent in a totally desparate question, and
> if I don't get an answer in a minute or two I'll die, and now I have
> to wait a day or two.  I tell you, if you can't trust the Usenet
> Oracle to save your life, who the heck can you trust!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In your case, Floyd Beaverton. In four years, when your life is just
} starting to get REALLY crummy, he's going to give you a substantial tap
} with the front of his car, knocking you about twenty feet through the
} air and out cold. An instant later, the remains of the Hubble Telescope
} will tear down from the sky and strike the exact spot where you would
} have been. Instead of flattening you, the wreckage will drill through
} the passenger seat of Floyd's car. Floyd will win a record-breaking
} settlement for damages and psychological stress from NASA, while your
} suits against both Floyd and the government will be dismissed as
} groundless. Floyd's hoar head shall go down peacefully into the grave
} after a long and happy career as the pitchman for Met Life, while you
} will die of tuberculosis before your time, collapsing in the street on
} top of all you own, a sack of tin knives you will be trying to peddle,
} in a barrio outside Mexico City.
}
} Perhaps now you understand why I am in no big rush to answer your
} questions.


353-10    (38622 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I write hiaku about my starships?  Will it scramble my skin?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Oracle                                           Oct. 4 1991
}     Iuvax
}     Indiana
}
}                   Dear Mr Vader
}
}    Being your instructor in the course "Think positive and the world
} will love you", I must say that you are going the wrong direction.
}    When you try to soften your approach to the rest of the world
} I meant that you should minimize actions which might upset other
} intelligent beings, such ass blowing up planets by force of your
} death-star. You should also try to make that little extra effort to
} make your friends happier by karma-harmonic actions - such as showing
} your real face to your son.
}   However I can see that you have made a fatal error trying to
} cheer up your appearance. You shoul *not* try to change your
} personality since this is what makes everyone so interesting. I
} recommend you to give up your haiku plans and concentrate on thing
} which are more close to your way of life.
} Try, for example to:
}           1. Change the color of your light-sword to a little
}              more bright and sunny shade.
}           2. Make your death-star which is under construction right
}              now heart-shaped.
}
}                                   Have a nice life
}                                           Big O


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