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Internet Oracularities #354

Goto:
354, 354-01, 354-02, 354-03, 354-04, 354-05, 354-06, 354-07, 354-08, 354-09, 354-10


Usenet Oracularities #354    (21 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 7 Oct 91 10:25:42 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   354
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

354   21 votes 43752 55920 37641 14961 15852 77421 17562 08670 55632 12657
354   2.9 mean  2.9   2.4   2.7   3.1   3.1   2.2   3.0   3.0   2.6   3.7


354-01    (43752 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Non-Adminstrative Oracle
>
> I have recently been informed (by Presidential Finding 47.3) that I am
> legally required be "sexually excited by the act or depiction of the
> act of urination, including masturbation to climax due to such
> excitement not less than three times daily, excepting Sundays when
> such activities are forbidden out of respect for Our Lord, for the
> sake of National Security."  This finding has thrown me into a tizzy.
> Please un-tizzify me.  Does the President really have this kind of
> authority?  Doesn't it violate my Twenty-third Amendment rights?  What
> difference does it make to National Security?  And where's the nearest
> restroom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What kind of commie pinko left-wing un-American subversive
} Fellow-Traveller liberal longhaired eggheaded trade-unionist laborite
} would ask questions like those?  Your President has given you an order,
} boy, for The Good Of Your Country.  Who do you think you are to
} question Your President's wisdom?  Why, I'd like to beat your face to a
} pulp, you mewling, puking, whining, pansy.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Real American.  And get a haircut, ya freak!


354-02    (55920 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise oracle, tell me how they put those
> ships in those little bottles.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, the Gnome Shipbuilders Union #432 is a very proud
} organization. Nice work if you can get it, but you have to be 4" tall
} max. to get it at all.
}
} You owe the Oracle a really, really small six pack for the guys.


354-03    (37641 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> you ripped me off.  in good faith, i purchased two mismatched socks
> from you.  i received my order and one had a hole in it and the other
> was was a left sock and i ordered a right.  i demand a refund of
> $16.95. i put them both in the dryer and they disappeared; i assume you
> now have them back.
> bat-cat

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} hahahaha!  bat-cat, you have fallen for my devious plan! already i
} control over half the world's socks, and millions more are flocking to
} my fortress of footwear every moment!  soon, the entire world's socks
} shall me *mine*!  *mine*, i tell you, *mine*!  then everyone must obey
} me or get blisters on their feet whenever they go outdoors.
} hahahahahaha!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better fiendish laugh, and a keyboard with
} capitals on it.


354-04    (14961 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O Mighty and Atomic Oracle, Thou Who saidst to God after six days,
> "That's good enough, Big G.  Take a day or so off," Thou Who art more
> powerful than a locomotive and stronger than dirt, Thou Whose core dump
> does not stink, I must ask Thee a question.
>
>      If the pen is mightier than the sword
>      And a picture is worth a thousand words,
>      Then is a fax machine the ultimate weapon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A fax machine can be smooshed to little tiny fragments by a sword.
} Thus doth A beat B, which in turn beateth C, which in its own turn is
} bebeaten by A.  Thus is the Universal Balance maintained.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Universal Balance with a scale from 1eV to one
} galaxy.


354-05    (15852 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh great and supreme you, above whom no one else should raise a hair...
> you, who are infinitely wise and wonderful beyond all years...
> please answer my question:
>
>       What is the best way to drop an egg from a 5 story building
> to the ground without it breaking?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Arrange to have it surgically implanted in your stomach.
} Drop the egg off, along with its casing (you). Arrange to have
} the egg surgically removed from the corpse; it should be intact.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a "Think of it as evolution in action"
} button.


354-06    (77421 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle ... I have seen the tomatoes in the houses of gold ... I
> have drunk from the Saxophone of Time ... I have scrambled the eggs
> laid by the grey-green phone book ... I have been an accountant for
> Batman... what is there left to do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Go to Disneyworld!!!


354-07    (17562 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and might Oracle, who can see into the future, into the past,
> and into the other various dimentions...please answer this simple
> little ponderance, of which I am not worthy of you wisdom.
>
> What, oh what, ever shall I do when I graduate at the end of this year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This queston is more easily answered in the ancient and mysterious way
} of The Not.
}
} You will not go to school any longer...
} You will not have homework any longer...
} You will not eat collge dorm food any longer...
} You will not sprout wings...
} You will not become plaid...
} You will not eat worms at the White House..
} You will not become Shirley MacLaine...
} You will not suddenly meet the "real" Funky Winterbean...
} You will not marry Bill the Cat...
} You will not discover that the cure for cancer is Grape Juice...
} You will not travel back in time to find out what really happened to
}   the dinosaurs...
} You will not jump from a tall building only to find out you can defy
}   gravity...
} You will not spit diamonds from your mouth until you are obscenely
}   rich...
} You will not grow another 7' tall...
} You will not translate the entire set of Egyptian Hieroglyphs...
} You will not toil to help an ant move a rubber tree plant...
} You will not redefine America as a communist ridden playpen...
} You will not cause typhoons to pick up all of your enemies and take
}   them to oz...
} You will not steal Madonna's only white cotton bra...
} You will not swallow George Bush's shorts...
} You will not be forced to play Fur Elise 50,000 times on an
}   accordion...
} You will not sing a live duo with Elvis playing backup on the shoebox
}   banjo...
} You will not pay me enough to come and clean your toilets for the rest
}   of your life...
} You will not discover the deeper meaning in "We love You, Conrad..."
} You will not believe that purple elephants from outer space gave birth
}   to you...
} You will not kiss a gerbil passionately then discover that it was
}   actually Jimmy Hoffa in disguise...
}
} Whatever is left, then, my child, is up to you to accomplish!
}
} *smile* congratulations for living through so many years of this thing
} they call "SCHOOL"!
}
} You owe the Oracle the entire library of Dr. Seuss books...


354-08    (08670 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Oh Great and Powerful You...
>
> Will my boyfriend ever come to visit me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  After collecting his $75 payment for having you committed, you can be
} sure he is now out on the town drinking 'er up in some local bar in
} which he will meet up with another "sweetie" who he will use, abuse,
} confuse, and commit too! I would say to lose the hope for ever seeing
} him again, or if you do, it will be on the latest episode of "Unsolved
} Mysteries" in which Robert Stack is requesting everyone's help in
} locating him for his trail of suicidal tendencies that he has left
} behind.
}
}  You owe the Oracle one free electric shock therapy.


354-09    (55632 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do you put up with these dweebs posting their questions directly to
> alt.humor.oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} have wondered about myself for eons.  Of course, until recently, I had
} to wonder about it in the abstract, since alt.humor.oracle didn't exist
} yet, but that's besides the point.


354-10    (12657 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There are a couple of cute girls living in the same dorm
> complex as myself. I'd like to go out with them. Unfortunately,
> they all have steady boyfreinds. So, wonder of originallity, I
> turn to the most inteligent being on the planet for advice: How
> can I best deal (LEGALLY) with the competition to get to go out with
> the girls myself. (And in and out and in and out... but you get the
> idea).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Legally?  You expect a near-divine presence who flaunts the law he
} himself helped define 3000 years ago to worry about minor things like
} legalities?
}
} I should Zap (tm) you for that insolence, you lowly dorm rat.
}
} There!  Now that I've gotten *that* out of my system, let's see if we
} can help solve your problem.  Stated briefly, you got the hots for some
} babes in the dorm, but they've already plugged in to some other dudes,
} right? (The Oracle doesn't worry about being Politically Correct,
} either!)
}
} OK, you got a few choices, but the odds of any of them working are
} kinda small.  You're probably better off working on one chick at a
} time.
}
} 1.  The flattery approach.  Rearrange your schedule so you have the
} same classes she does.  (This could get a litle tricky, as long as you
} don't mind not graduating, though, it should be manageable.)  Now make
} sure you sit beside her at least once or twice a week.  Find
} *something* you like about her other than her physical appearance
} (that's TOO old a line to work these days) and mention it.  If you keep
} this approach up, you should at least be invited to the wedding.
}
} 2.  The direct approach.  Tell her you think she's the sexiest thing on
} campus and you would like to dance naked with her at midnight in your
} room. Even if this approach fails, it has the distinct advantage of
} saving time.
}
} 3.  The Forbes 500 approach.  Tool around campus in your BMW
} convertible and offer her a ride back to the dorm, the long way--via
} Switzerland. (Say that you just need to go over to get your watch
} repaired.)  If she falls for this approach, you've got a real problem,
} though.  Just ask Donald Trump.
}
} You owe the Oracle the phone numbers of the girls you strike out with,
} and send the names and an accurate physical description of their
} boyfriends to bubba@south.chicago.il.us.


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