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Internet Oracularities #355

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355, 355-01, 355-02, 355-03, 355-04, 355-05, 355-06, 355-07, 355-08, 355-09, 355-10


Usenet Oracularities #355    (26 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 9 Oct 91 09:55:20 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

355   26 votes 08873 14a83 36962 04b83 68912 17972 06992 29960 0078b 14a65
355   3.2 mean  3.2   3.3   2.9   3.4   2.4   3.1   3.3   2.7   4.2   3.4


355-01    (08873 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, who's knowledge exceeds that of the Great Ancient Minds,
> Tell me this:
>
> Do I have a chance with that beautiful woman in my Philosophy class?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The real question here is whether or not this woman exists.  Does she
} exist because you think she exists, or does she exist simply because
} she does, and perhaps she is wondering if you exist, or perhaps doesn't
} care if you exist or not.  Aside from that, we come to the topic of if
} she is beautiful or not. It's often said "beauty is in the eye of the
} beholder" so (assuming for the moment that she actually exists) whether
} or not she is beautiful is purely an excercise in induvidual
} aesthetics.  Finally, can a philosophy class ever belong to one person.
}  It is not your class, or her class, or anyone's class.  (ok, it could
} be my class, I'm the only being hip enough to be able to do that).
}
} Anyway, since I'm the Oracle, I know that there are actually answers to
} these questions, and since I feel generous, I'm going to tell you.
} Yes, she exists, yes, she's beautiful, and no, your chances are worse
} than a snoball's in a very deep and hot place.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good photograph of her.


355-02    (14a83 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and wonderful UseNet Oracle, whose brain is faster than
> the fastest workstation in existance now and forevermore, what is
> Planck's constant really used for?  And what does it have to do with
> Ted Koppel?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Silly mortal!  Must I explain everything?  Okay, since your
} groveling factor was at a low 2.1, just barely higher than the minimum
} 2 for me to give you a nanosecond of my thoughtwaves' devotion, I will
} satisfy your curiosity.
}
}      I shall explain the history behind the Plank's law.  Ever since
} the first ships' bottoms became wet with the salty water of oceans
} great, Planck's Law has been in effect.  It all started aboard the
} ancient vessel, *Hornysapian*.  It so happened the one of the ship's
} crew was caught in the act of fornicating with the captain's lady.  The
} captain, unable to think of a suitable punishment, went to Det Leppok,
} the ships "wise man", who was actually a past life of Ted Koppel.
} Det decreed Planck's Law:  S+P+(-M) = 100S(FF).  In laymen's terms,
} Planck's Law states that 1 ship plus 1 wooden planck minus one man
} is equal to 100 sharks in a feeding frenzy.  Thus, the adulterous
} man was forced to walk the planck.
}
}      The captain's lady was impressed with reasoning ability of Det,
} and she went to his quarters one night to have him explain it to her
} better.  Of course, Det did a little more than show it to her . . . he
} demonstrated it via naked ritualistic lust game.  Unfortunately for
} Det, the captain walked in at the wrong moment to ask the same
} question.
}
}      The captain then decided that Planck's law also applied to Det.
} But Det, ever clever, explained a component of Planck's Law that he had
} previously forgotten to mention.  Thus the revised formula was:
} S+P+(-M) = 100S(FF), C(M)<3 m3.  Or one ship plus one wooden planck
} minus one man equals 100 sharks in a feeding frenzy, whereas the
} cranial volume of the man is less than 3 cubic meters.  Of course, all
} of the men who were past lives of Ted Koppel have craniums that are
} larger than this parameter, thus nullifying the equation.
}
}     You owe the Oracle the correct spelling of "planck."


355-03    (36962 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful and worship-worthy oracle who can answer all of my
> most unwor thy questions so wisely!  Tell me please is there such a
> thing as suburbia in a ny country besides ours?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "[A]ny country besides ours?" I suppose by "ours" you mean the United
} States of America. Please do not include me in your pathetic toy
} political games.
}
} If by "suburbia" you mean a region surrounding a city wherein live
} the families of a large fraction of that city's workforce, who have
} chosen to live outside the city for the social and environmental
} advantages, then yes, many countries -- principally in Western Europe,
} though the phenomenon is found throughout the world -- have suburbs.
}
} If, however, by "suburbia" you mean that state of mind characterized
} by lack of concern for anything more substantial than the World of
} Nintendo, overarching interest in cable television, inability to think,
} disinclination to read, ignorance of current events, desire to borrow
} Dad's car to go to the mall, association of the term "evening news"
} with "Entertainment Tonight" -- that state of mind, in short, which may
} be summed up by the word vapid -- then no, this version of suburbia is
} all "yours."
}
} You owe the Oracle a map of the world with the signatories of the
} Geneva Conventions indicated in yellow marker.


355-04    (04b83 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wondrous Oracle, knower of all knows,
>
> What kind of container did he put it in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, it's TUPPERWARE!  Miracle of 20th century storage technology!
} Just look at all its uses!  You can contain the seas with our new 100
} trillion gallon container!  Store away your most sacred lands in our
} new masses-proof boxes with the snap-top Eternal-Seal lids!  Even
} enclose entire PLANETS to stop their inhabitants from space
} exploration--wait 'til your own version of Galileo looks through HIS
} telescope only to find our logo stretched across the heavens--from the
} inside!
}
} Yes it IS a miracle--actually a SERIES of miracles--and it can ALL be
} YOURS for the trivial sum of only 15 billion lost souls!  Act now,
} this offer won't last--nothing ever does!
}
} You owe the Oracle some big orders.  Another few billion souls and I'm
} up for the eternal nooky commission bonus.


355-05    (68912 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Great and Powerful, all Knowing and Brilliant Oracle...Please tell
> me the answers of the Universe:
>
>               Why not a Bicycle of Life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Because life would never get anywhere that way: it would
} always be too tired. <NYUCK NYUCK NYUCK>.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE the wherabouts of his higher sense of
} humor.


355-06    (17972 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, sweet Oracle so wise that you are
> I beg thee for answers to learn of the stars.
> To fly through the air with the greatest of ease...
> But how can I do it without a trapeze???

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To soar through the air is completely cool,
} So you should sign up at the Oracle flight school.
} First of all, the simple things:
} Stand on a chair and flap your wings
} (or arms, I mean) then jump
} and arch up to avoid landing on your rump.
} No, no, no, you'll have to do it once more
} so pick yourself up off of the floor.
} Don't try to miss, forget to hit
} Now jump from the edge of this pit.
} FLAP YOUR ARMS, YOU DOPE!
} Too late, throw him the rope.
} That's it, you'll never make it to the top,
} Every time you try, you'll flop.
} Leave the flying for the birds
} 'Cause the Oracle's run out of rhyming words.
}
} You owe the Oracle your next question in Iambic Pentameter.


355-07    (06992 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> We heated it up a lot, but it didn't all dissolve and now it's very
> volatile and hurts our eyes and stuff.  Actually it mostly dissolved.
> But is it a good idea, or should we feed it to the cat or stuff?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes -- I understand you problem. In fact, you're not the only Kentucky
} Fried Chicken employee to come to me asking this question. Don't,
} whatever you do, feed it to the cat! This act contravenes animal
} cruelty laws in all civilised countries! Nor should you feed it (or
} anything else you may find in the kitchen there) to any fellow human
} being *against his or her will*, lest your feel the ire of Amnesty
} International!
}
} Your suggestion of feeding it to the "stuff" is a good one. Don't worry
} about the pain -- "stuff" is very resilient. The usual procedure is to
} divide the resulting mixture up into small plastic containers, and sell
} it as "potatoes and gravy".
}
} You owe the Oracle a McDonald's "VIP Drive-Thru" sticker.


355-08    (29960 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O oracle wise, with the googly eyes
> And a head all a-shaven, like my neighbor Ed Slavin
> Whose meaningful quotes make sense even to goats,
> Whose elegant prose grows the hair on my toes,
> With wisdom so heinous,
> It comes out your...well, you get the idea!
>
> This, O fresh one, is my question:
>
> Why must we maintain our technological and economic "dominance" over
> the Japanese and the Europeans?  Aren't they nice people?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Actually, they are quite nice for humans. They only
} occasionally turn their culture into a genocidal lunatic asylum
} unmatched by Arkham. But I'm afraid I never could understand all
} that stuff about dominance and submission that Lisa tried
} explaining to me anyway, so I won't be much help.
}         Anyhow, you don't need to worry much about either the
} Japanese or the Europeans. The impending Nuclear Civil War in the
} remanents of the Soviet Union will have a couple of stray shots
} that will pretty much knock them back to pre-industrial
} revolution times. The main threat will then be Australia. THEM,
} you'll need to worry about!
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a videotape of the "Made in the USA"
} commercials.


355-09    (0078b dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh scrutable Oracle, without whom space would be incomprehensible,
> without whom time would be drab, do tell me this.  Does one dry cup of
> rice (after being cooked) fit in a regular-size bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ahh, yes -- the perennial question of rice. You are indeed priveleged,
} for the Oracle has decided to put a stop to such questions by imparting
} upon a mortal some as-yet undiscovered physics. And that mortal is you!
} This is a rare occurence -- it has happened only a few times this
} century (Einstein's question about being late for work, and Hawking's
} question about disappearing biros spring to mind) -- and thus it is
} your moral and spiritual obligation to investigate and publish these
} revelations for the benefit of all mankind.
}
} 1     Conservation of rice
} ----------------------------
} Rice exists in two distinct forms: Measured Rice (M-rice), and
} Estimated Rice (E-rice). Classically, these two satisfy a simple
} conservation equation -- at all times the total mass of M-rice and
} E-rice combined is a constant. The physical process of "cooking" (in
} all its forms -- at this level of discussion there is no distinction to
} be made between the effects of boiling, steaming and frying, although a
} relativistic formulation may require this) allows the transfer of rice
} between states.
}
} Thus M-rice obeys the law that the process of cooking will result in
} NO MORE THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE BEING PRODUCED. E-rice obeys
} the converse law: NO LESS THAN THE EXPECTED QUANTITY OF RICE WILL
} RESULT. Therefor, people who go to the trouble of measuring rice
} exactly may end up with too little, and those who estimate the quantity
} required may end up with too much.
}
} Fortunately, both types of people (and, consequently, both types of
} rice) exist in abundance. This facilitates the free transfer between
} M-rice and E-rice through preparation, and the transfer of M-rice to
} E-rice through cooking.
}
} 2     Quantum Rice Transfer
} -----------------------------
} The sharp reader may have noticed a small problem above, vis. what
} happens if someone cooks some M-rice whilst no E-rice is being cooked?
} A quantum mechanical approach reveals the solution to this problem by
} allowing for "virtual rice" (V-rice) to exist in accordance with the
} uncertainty principle. For limited periods of time, the cooking of
} E-rice may result in rice increase without a corresponding rice
} decrease through the cooking of M-rice. The "rice deficit" thus
} produced must be made up through a subsequent M-rice cooking operation,
} within a time period governed by a corollory of Heisenberg's
} uncertainty principle.
}
} 3     Relativistic Rice Transfer
} ----------------------------------
} An astute analysis of the above may lead one to the conclusion that the
} transfer of M-rice in one location to E-rice in another through the
} cooking operation is instantaneous, and might thus be employed as
} a communications medium. This, of course, cannot be the case as such
} a process defies relativity. The propagation rate is finite, and is,
} of course, lower than the speed of light. Special relativity may be
} employed to draw some conclusions about rice transfer rate between
} similar cooking processes, however general relativity is required in
} order to obtain meaningful results for transfer between dissimilar
} processes (e.g. boiling and steaming).
}
} Well, that's a start for you -- there is plenty there to go on, and
} plenty more to provide material for further research. Best of luck with
} obtaining your grant!
}
} Oh, yes -- as for your original question, the answer is "it depends".
} Clearly, a cup of M-rice will easily fit into your regular-size bowl,
} however an estimated "cup" of E-rice, no matter how fine your
} judgement, will not.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of your PhD thesis upon
} completion.


355-10    (14a65 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hrwah?
>
> Say what?
>
> How do they mail me?
>
> Who answers?
>
> What the heck?
>
> D.
>
> I'm getting real confused..

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       GETTING confused? My dear mortal, have you ever NOT been
} confused? It is obvious that you know nothing, particualarly about the
} Oracle. *sigh*. Oh, very well.  Just this once, I'll send you:
}
}       The Introductory supplicant's guide to beseeching the Oracle.
}
} I.    Who is the Oracle?
}       The Oracle is an omniscient diety who occasionaly condescends to
} answer some of the questions sent to him by pitiful mortals.  He
} usually does this because it's good for a few laughs, and He
} occasionaly gets to "ZOT" someone (see part III).
}
} II.   How do I ask the Oracle a question?
}       The Oracle's main Earth interface is through
} iuvax.cs.indiana.edu.  You can mail questions to the Oracle there.  The
} Oracle has a staff working around the clock to screen questions.  Their
} main jobs is to weed out the weenies who don't have a clue, much less a
} brain.  (Hmm...  they must be slipping.  Maybe I'd better fry a few to
} improve efficiency.)
}
} III.  How should I phase the question?
}       POLITELY.  Every question to the Oracle must have 3 parts.
}       a) The grovel. This part is necessary for your continued health.
} The Oracle is a Diety, and likes for mortals to have the properly
} humble attitude.  Failure to grovel, and grovel well, may result in a
} lightning bolt being sent your way (ZOT!!!).  Or worse.
}       b) The question.  Here is where you get to ask your insignificant
} question. Please, please try to be original.  Questions about how to
} get laid, or get better grades are usually met with the type of sarcasm
} that can flay your flesh from your bones.
}       c) The thanks.  Be sure to thanks the Oracle profusely for
} even deigning to consider to begin to answer your question.  The Oracle
} looks most favorably upon mortals who are grateful for his help.
}
} IV.   What will the reply look like?
}       Most Oracular replies have 3 parts:
}       a) The Critique.  The Oracle usually reviews your groveling, and
} the rest of your question.  Punishment for missing or skimpy groveling,
} or impolite questions is meted out here (ZOT!).
}       b) The Answer.  The form of the answer will vary, depending
} on how amused the Oracle was by your question, and His mood.  Pay close
} attention to this part.  Many Oracular answers have saved the
} questioners' lives.
}       c) The Payment.  All answers from the Oracle will cost you
} something, and the Oracle will inform you exactly what it is that you
} owe him.  It is a BAD IDEA to not pay the Oracle.  The consequences are
} too horrible to contemplate. (can you say "ZOT!"?)
}
} V.    Anything else I should know?
}       The Oracle has one groovy, wild, libidinous, sexy, enthusiastic,
} limber, and thoroughly pleasing girlfriend: Lisa.  Complementing Lisa
} is a good way to win the Oracle's favor.  Insulting Lisa is a good way
} to win a one way trip across the river Styx.
}
} So there you are.  Next time I expect to see a proper question, with a
} record-breaking grovel in it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a 100-verse song praising the virtues of Lisa.


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