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Internet Oracularities #356

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356, 356-01, 356-02, 356-03, 356-04, 356-05, 356-06, 356-07, 356-08, 356-09, 356-10


Usenet Oracularities #356    (20 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 11 Oct 91 10:13:23 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   356
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

356   20 votes 05465 38612 3b510 34472 18731 14672 26570 53741 1a711 29630
356   2.8 mean  3.5   2.5   2.2   3.0   2.8   3.2   2.9   2.6   2.5   2.5


356-01    (05465 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         The incantation on the page is smudged. What does it say
> after "Death and destruction across all creation until the end of
> eternity rolls round the bend...." It's really making this spell
> difficult, oh mighty Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you've stumbled across one of the Oracle's favorites!  That
} incantation started out as a tune Thor was trying to come up with at
} one of those parties Dionysis throws every year.  Y'see, he was trying
} to pick up one of those really stacked Finnish water spirits, but she
} was really hung up on this Greek guy who was singing all these really
} cool songs.  No, it wasn't Orpheus.  This was a strictly deity and
} eternal spirit affair, no mortals allowed.  Um...he was about this high
} and had kinda curly light brown hair (really light for a Greek).  He
} was kinda goofy looking...but I'm getting off the subject. Anyway, Thor
} figured he'd write a song to impress the girl.  Of course, this is
} after eight or nine horns of mead.  I mean, you know how he gets.  So
} he's in the corner trying to come up with a love song, but all he
} really knows about is smashing things, and that's how it was coming
} out.  Then Cthulhu happens by and hears him.  He decides he's gonna
} help out, and brings Ares along with him.  Now of course you know that
} Cthulu's got kind of a way with words, but none of the immortal gods
} can listen to that lispy kinda thing of his without cracking up.  So
} between the two of them (Ares was no help at all; in fact, it's a
} wonder he could still stand; you know how he is at parties) they manage
} to finish the thing up.  So then the three of them start to sing it at
} the top of their lungs.  Ares may have been drunk and he can't carry a
} tune, but he's LOUD.  Within five minutes, everybody there is singing
} the damn thing with Cthulhu waving his arms like he's conducting.  Ares
} starts imitating him and slams his arm into a support beam, and the
} ceiling comed down, hitting the Greek guy and knocking him cold.
} Everybody was just rolling on the floor singing the song for the rest
} of the night, and Thor went home with the water spirit.
} So anyway, the incantation goes:
} "Death and destruction across all creation/Till the end of eternity
} rolls round the bend/Murder and genocide without hesitation/Gimmie a
} beer and I'll be your best friend."
} Still cracks the Oracle up every time the Oracle thinks of it.  You owe
} the Oracle an invite to your next party.


356-02    (38612 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, to whom riddles are nothing and to whom the inadequacies
> of the human languages seem to melt in the light of omniscience, what
> is the sound of one hand clapping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And I quote: ""
}
} You owe the Oracle the sound of a tree falling in the forest, with no
} one hearing it.


356-03    (3b510 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O powerful Oracle, who has been truly called a wise ass by many, I have
> a great problem. Last week I discovered that my boss is really the
> antchrist.  What should I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Bribe the waiter at your next three martini lunch to
} serve you both glasses of holy water. Alternatively, bow down and
} worship him (a more appropriate response to one's boss).
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a invitation to Damien Thorne's next
} birthday party, and to your funeral.


356-04    (34472 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear wise smart oracle,
> What is the right answer when someone says "bless you" after you
> sneeze?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The correct answer depends solely upon the situation in which you
} sneeze, and upon whom you are sneezing.
} If you are in private and someone says "bless you" then the answer is
} to ring 911 and ask for immediate medical and mental assistance for
} your oncoming attack.
} If, on the other hand, you are in an audience with the Pope(tm), and
} you happen to cover him most liberally with the holy gunk, then, should
} he say "Bless You" you should obviously answer with the appropriate
} quotation from  The User's Manual For Encounters With Your Local Papal
} Figure.(Published by Oracular Press Inc, 1985, 2nd Edition)
} For your everyday sneezing bouts you can reply as the mood takes you.
} If you are in a good mood you can thank them with the time honoured
} words
}     "Thank you"
} If, however, you are really, really angry you can pull out your 35mm
} Beretta and blow the scum away for being a condescending know all who
} thinks you need a blessing to ward off any evil spirits that may have
} crawled up your facial proboscis in the short moment of time in which
} your are open for attack after a sneeze (which, as every one knows,
} disturbs your nasal aura for a short time).
} Finally should you happen to sneeze on or near me you won't need to
} consider any answer for I shall zap you to small fragments and scatter
} them throughout the universe. (just a friendly warning)
} You owe the Oracle a world record sized, knife shaped lump of snot
} displayed in all its glory inside a 10' by 10' display cabinet, and a
} photograph of the face of the person who produced such a marvel (before
} their nose has healed).


356-05    (18731 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Oracle, who is so modest that groveling is superfluous:
>
>       I'm having a lot of trouble writing code lately.  My mind
> wanders, I look away from the terminal, I pick up science fiction
> magazines to read, I spend hours combing my Unix-Guru (TM) approved
> beard.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's the Unix-Guru (TM) approved beard.  Picking up stray static
} discharge from the CRT, it's disrupting your brain impulses.  Lose it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Remington Rechargeable.  "Shaves as close as a
} blade, or I'll have my football players taunt you with their penises."


356-06    (14672 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wisest oracle of my dreams, why do these strange accidents happen to
> me all the time ? Last night i was attacked by a flock of 747's, and
> the day before, rabid jellyfish surged my neighbourhood craving my
> blood. Last sunday hordes of small grey ladies brutally asked me about
> the way to the nearest post office and i still shiver from the time
> when I woke up with a nazi-cross-shaped birthmark on my forehead.
> Why are these things happening ? When will they stop ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mortal, 'tis not a wonder this stuff happened to thee.
} Hast thou not been lewdly cherishing the vile platypus?
} Doth it not, concerning this behaviour,  say in The Scripture:
} "...and verily, for this sin of thine shalt thy eye be pluck out
} with a pointed Sticke, the jell-o-ous Fishe shalt drain thy Bloode,
} with blunte Objeckts shalt thy head be struck, with Sauerkraut shalt
} thy Forehead be smeared, for postal reference wilt thou be turned
} to by Violent Senior Citizens..."
} And hast thou not been picking thy nose in Publick?
} Doth the scripture not say: "He who displays his snot in his
} brothers sight, be he on his forehead marked with the swasticka
} and befell with Aeroplanes, laughed at even by the ugliest of
} Persons, yeah, his Toes will rot and fall to the ground like figs."
}
} Well, as a matter of fact thou hastn't. The real reason is:
}
} We felt like it.
}
} Have a nice day.


356-07    (26570 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle who's mathematical circuits are truly the most efficient and
> least expensive. Please, oh please, tell me why the Runge Kutta method
> of solving Ordinary Differential Equations is better than the Euler
> Explicit method, when the Euler Explicit method is obviously much
> easier to do.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Euler's Explicit method IS easier, and LOTS more fun, but
} demostrating that kind of explicit behavior in a crowded lecture
} hall would have the PC Police all over your beloved instructor.
}
} The Runge-Kutta (note the hyphen, kid) method is more complicated
} but the carrot suit is one-size-fits-all.


356-08    (53741 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Wize and Magnaimous Oracle, who sees all, hears all, knows all, and
> whose pooper scooper is obviously in the attic, please tell me:
> When are you going to train your fruitbats to keep out of my airspace?
> They're really cute little critters; however, for the hundredth time,
> they flew over my garage and crapped all over my car last nite!!!  BTW,
> what do your feed them - EXLAX?  They don't know when to quit!  I'm all
> for animal rights, but GEEZ!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The bats are a vital part of my everpresent brainways, if they
} are disturbed, my circles are as well, unfortunately, hostilities (like
} yours) are increasing, and this may caussajk 78  /%267 {\]|s<^1w
}
} Core dumped.


356-09    (1a711 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle, who was probably there and can give me an eye-witness
> account,
>
> What was the best thing before sliced bread?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh mortal worm, the answer is... sloth dung.  Yes, you heard right (and
} don't question my knowledge again if you enjoy being anatomically
} correct) -- sloth droppings.  Few people know, or even suspect...
} actually, few people would even be comfortable with a suggestion to the
} effect that sloth pies, liberally applied in a topical fashion, could
} not only cure several diseases common to prehistoric man, but also
} helped seal open wounds and served as an attractive garnish.  Yes,
} sloth dung.  Surely, before sliced bread, The Greatest Thing!
}
} You owe the Oracle a Farm Animal Scratch 'n Sniff.


356-10    (29630 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> We did not find it.  Is it OK to use a cucumber instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes it is, if you skip the champagne, serve the tomatoes with
} mayonnaise instead of soy sauce, have a wee shot of peach schnapps
} between the custard pie and the waldorf salad (replace the walnuts with
} pinto beans, by the way) and inflate the raisins.
}
} Be sure to sing the holy mumbo-jumbo song *before* you grind the old
} 'cumber and mix the leftovers with nitric acid before the sacrifice.
}
} You owe the oracle a copy of the anarchists' cookbook.


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