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Internet Oracularities #357

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357, 357-01, 357-02, 357-03, 357-04, 357-05, 357-06, 357-07, 357-08, 357-09, 357-10


Usenet Oracularities #357    (23 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 13 Oct 91 10:36:24 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   357
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

357   23 votes 02894 59441 4a810 03596 03497 59810 12794 02c63 26573 58631
357   3.1 mean  3.7   2.4   2.3   3.8   3.9   2.2   3.6   3.4   3.1   2.4


357-01    (02894 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that my terminal/modem lock up just when the
> article I'm reading starts to get REALLY interesting?
> Is this an example of AI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost. It's actually an example of AIDS (Artificial Intelligence
} Deficiency Syndrome) that affects most PCs, Macintoshes, and anything
} produced by Sun. Most computers are just as interested in your articles
} as you are, and they will read the articles before passing them on to
} you. This should normally take only an instant, but if it's
} intelligence has been hindered by AIDS, the machine may thrash around
} trying to figure out the normal implications of said articles. Some
} machines may crash due to an inability to understand some particularly
} witty or profound statement, some may merely cut off the article at the
} important point.
}
} Here are some steps you can take to remedy the situation:
}
} 1. Disconnect your machine to other machines. As you probably know AIDS
} is spread through interfacing with other machines, and you've probably
} witnessed how one computer networked to many others becomes sluggish
} and unresponsive.
}
} 2. Moderate the amount of phillosophical or humorous articles you read,
} so you don't overload your computer. Diffuse such material with boring
} or insulting articles. Alternate between reading alt.humor.oracle with
} alt.sex for example.
}
} And the most important thing is:
} 3. When about to read a particularly hilarious or deep article.


357-02    (59441 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Daniel V. Klein" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> We did not find it.  Is it OK to use a cucumber instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Absolutely not! It would be considered cruel and unusual
} punishment to the goose. Merely place your hands on the edge of the
} table, drawing the watermelon back far enough so your partner can
} switch on the battery, and paste the edge of the newspaper on the
} plastic, until the name "Maudling" is almost totally obscured.


357-03    (4a810 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle,
> two words are sticking in my mind and I don't know what
> they mean. Can you tell me what "Happy Rhodes" is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       They're the secret keywords implanted in the UN*X System V
} kernel. Whenever a posting is recieved by a machine running this
} modified kernel, it causes the machine to run at a 50% reduced speed.
} This modified kernel is responsible for 85% of netlag. The other 15% of
} netlag is caused by static electricity. So there.         At your
} service, as always...


357-04    (03596 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can write text editors in FORTRAN, do
> scientific programming in COBOL, and even write useful programs in
> BASIC, please help me out:
>
> Lately all of the MIPS inside my computer seem to have escaped and are
> flying around my lab, pouncing on my coworkers and our cats.  They keep
> dive bombing the poor helpless creatures, (the coworkers) screaming
> "IBM SUCKS" and disrupting our gossip, er, research.  I've been beating
> them off with a curses manual, but they seem to be getting better at
> dodging.  Worse yet, I see a couple of MFLOPS staring out from near the
> power supply  with their beady little eyes, waiting their chance to
> attack.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After consulting with my priesthood, I have decided that the best course
} of action would be as follows:
}   Firstly, you need to get in contact with an IBM technician.  When
} He/She arrives in their nice blue suit butter them up with sweet talk
} and take them into the lab.  It matters not, that you have an IBM or
} not.  I sincerely hope you do not.
}   Anyway, take the technician into the lab (making sure he is wearing an
} IBM badge.  When your renegade MIPS see him/her they will go for the
} attack thus destroying the technician.
}   As the little MIPSes feast on the flesh of the technician simply
} capture them with a handy Xterm.  Not only will you have captured your
} MIPSes, but you will have removed a technician from the face of the
} earth.  This method will be most pleasing to the Oracle.
}   If, you find that this method fails, then you should visit the Little
} Shop Of Oracularities.  In this shop you will find a MIPS-- machine.
}   Fortunately this machine is a field effect machine (Price upon
} application).  Simply set the machine up in the doorway of your lab and
} (after removing the cats from the room, and coworkers if you feel
} friendly) activate the machine according to instructions.
}   Any little MIPS caught in the MIPS-- field will immediately dump thier
} core, and without this will be unable to fly any more.  It should be a
} simple matter to put them back in your computer.
}   On the final problem of your MFLOPS near your power supply, you should
} be able to keep them in line with some of the flesh from the technician.
}   To stop the problem occurring again I would suggest you wrap the
} terminals in any of your favourite shells, and take 2 aspirin every 12
} hours.
}   You owe the Oracle the IBM badge.  (I'll put it on my wall, next to
} the moose heads)


357-05    (03497 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what will happen to gerd on his trip to california?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP>
}
} <brrrrrr>
}
} <brrrrrr>
}
} "Hello, and welcome to the Fates Telcom Service. If you are inquring
} about the past, please enter '1' from your touch-tone phone now. If you
} are inquiring about the present, please enter '2.' If you are inquiring
} about the future, please enter '3.' If you are calling from a rotary
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the future of Yugoslavia, please enter '1.'
} If you are interested in the 1992 United States presidential campaign,
} please enter '2.' If you are interested in Gerd's trip to California,
} please enter '3.' If you are interested in Elizbeth Taylor's ninth --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} --" "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please
} enter '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd,
} please enter '2.' If you are interested in the sex experienced by Gerd,
} please enter '3.' If you are interested in the memorable sights seen by
} Gerd, please enter  '4.' If you are interested in the lunatics who will
} contact Gerd, please enter '5.' To hear these options repeated, please
} enter '9.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now."
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "There will be none."
}
} "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please enter
} '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd, please
} enter '2.' If you are interested --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in San
} Bernadino, please enter '1.' If you are interested in the drunk and
} disorderly charge in Los Angeles, please enter '2.' If you are
} interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in Santa Barbara,
} please enter '3.' If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly
} charge in Bakersfield, please enter '4.' If you are interested in
} the drunk and disorderly charge in Fresno, please enter '5.' If you
} are interested in the bank robbery and shootout in San Francisco,
} please enter '6.' If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly
} charge in Lassen Volcanic Natural Park, please enter '7.' If you are
} interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in Yreka, please enter
} '8.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now."
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the crimes --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the mugging in Los Angeles, please enter '1.'
} If you are interested in the pickpocketing incident in San Diego,
} please enter '2.' If you are interested in the indecent exposure
} incident on I-5, please enter '3.' If you are interested in the
} kidnapping and reprogramming interlude in San Francisco, please enter
} '4.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now."
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please enter
} '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd, please
} enter '2.' If you are interested in the sex experienced by Gerd, please
} enter '3.' If you are interested in the memorable sights seen by Gerd,
} please enter  '4.' If you are interested in the wierdos and freaks met
} by Gerd, please enter '5.' To hear these options --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the biker gang, please enter '1.' If
} you are interested in the Moonies, please enter '2.' If you are
} interested in the defrocked priest, please enter '3.' If you are
} interested in the Field Workers Liberation Front, please enter '4.'
} If you are interested in the federal agents, please enter '5.' If
} you are interested in the movie star, please enter '6.' If you are
} interested in the Professor and Mary Ann, please enter '7.' To
} return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now."
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the crimes visited --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "If you are interested in the future of Yugoslavia --"
}
} <BEEP>
}
} "Thank you for using the Fates Telcom Service. We hope this service
} has been helpful to you, and look forward to hearing from you again,
} if we allow. Have a nice day."


357-06    (59810 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... where I can get the best beer in the world !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice grovelling... Nice question...
}
} You owe the oracle a sixpack.


357-07    (12794 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oralce?  You there, pal?  Got a question...
>
> Why is it when I was a kid, every Year the Sear's Christmas Wish Book
> always showed an Etch a Sketch with a house drawn on it (with perfectly
> diagonal
>
> lines) and then also a ROUND sun up in the corner, AND THERE WERE *NO*
> LINES connecting the sun to the house.  Isn't that an impossibility on
> an Etch-Sketch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you well know, the Etch-a-Sketch is useful for many specialized
} drawing purposes, but these are normally restricted to horizontal and
} vertical lines.
}
} The promotion of this fascinating device has a sketchy history. When
} ACME first marketed this novelty (yes, they were the first to sell it),
} they set upon the problem of showing people the neat things it could
} do. First they hired several artists to do their best with the toy, but
} this met with little success. Most artists complained of the drawing
} restrictions they were limited to. Several of the most dillegent ones
} started a branch of art known as Neo-Cubism, and some made what can
} only be described as minimalist or serial art. Several interesting
} artifacts were made, one being a mural of ACME's logo done on 9
} Etch-a-Sketch's in a 3x3 row.
}
} One of the minor successes was a few submissions described as "cows
} eating grass". The marketeers decided this was probably the easiest
} picture anybody could produce, and so they declared that this picture
} be engraved on the device when it was sold, furthermore  one could
} always return it to this position by shaking the screen. However this
} did not solve the problem of actually drawing stuff on it.
}
} The most innovative work used 28 E&Ss to make a sculpture of a
} horseman, submitted by a young man name of Worhol. While the marketeers
} agreed this was fine art, they decided the production costs of
} crumpling the toys to sculpt them properly far outweighed the aesthetic
} value, and they insisted the thing could be used to actually DRAW
} something!
}
} Mr. Worhol was deeply offended. He stiffly declared that only monkeys
} would be stupid enough to think they could produce art by drawing on
} the thing.
}
} The executives of ACME agreed, and made plans to sell their marketing
} license of the Etch-a-Sketch.
}
} But the marketeers weren't licked yet! They decided to take Mr. Worhol
} quite at his word, and so assembled a giant lab filled with chimps,
} each assigned to a particular E&S. After 2 weeks, 3174 E&S's and
} 500,002 bananas, they analyzed the results. The picture you see of the
} sun and house was the best one, they decided, so they marketed this
} picture. They did have to reject 1,235 sonnets, 238 self-portraits
} (though well done, a chimp's self-portrait does not seem to appeal to
} the human eye.) and a revised version of the Complete Works of Douglas
} Adams.
}
} Unfortunately the sun-house picture reached the executives too late,
} who had already sold their license to the product.
}
} However they did find out, several years later, that Mr Worhal, afraid
} of being shown up by a chimp, had himself created the sun-house picture
} we all know and love. Apparently the marketeers were so excited at
} seeing a 'sensible' picture, they failed to notice the black thread
} glued to the screen.
}
} Of course, the executives sat on this secret, and it is only because of
} I, the omnicient Oracle, that this secret may now be revealed. Trust
} me, it IS impossible to actually CREATE that picture on the screen w/o
} artificial props.
}
} You owe the Oracle your self-portrait.


357-08    (02c63 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell meO great Oracle....
> Where did Dr. Seuss go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has given much thought to your question and has decided that
} it is actually a question within a question. For Dr. Suess is --I mean
} *was*-- a mortal and to tell you where he went, I would have to tell
} you where *all* mortals go when their time comes. Unfortunately, the
} only one who can tell you for certain, right off the top of his head,
} exactly where each and every mortal soul goes is God. But God is a very
} busy chap. Between arranging miracles, inflicting plagues, answering
} prayers (except those that originate at racetracks), listening to
} mortals yell about him during sex, talking with Orel Roberts and making
} sandwiches at the poker game every other Saturday, he's hardly got a
} moment to breathe--not that he has to. I left a message on his machine
} concerning this particular question, but he hasn't gotten back to me
} yet so the best I can do is pass on to you the information presented in
} a pamhlet I picked up once while waiting in his office. Some
} information has been omitted for the sake of brevity, for the Oracle is
} not in the mood to be verbose.
}                                   ----------
}
}                           GUIDE TO THE GREAT BEYOND
}                         A quick look at the afterlife
}                            Written by God, By God!
}
} The afterlife is divided into 5 main regions, each conststing of a
} number of divisions. Each division may have further sub-divsions,
} depending on popular demand and housing conditions. The five main
} regions are Sinners, Non-Sinners, Repentants, Deadheads and
} Politicians. Note that the Deadhead division has its own
} Sinner/Non-Sinner divisions. The reason for this is to enable all the
} Deadheads to be grouped into their own region because, frankly, noone
} else can stand them.
}
} What region a mortal goes to depends on the information on his Lifetime
} Experience Form 2285-J, which can be obtained from the admissions desk.
} Listed below are a few of the more heavily populated divisions and the
} criteria needed to qualify for entry.
}
} I. Sinners
}    a) People who voted for Richard M. Nixon (self-explanatory)
}    b) People who removed tags from their mattresses (ditto)
}    c) People who let their shopping carts run around lose in the
}       parking lot instead of putting them back where they found then
}       (ditto)
}    d) People who sent money to televangelists (extreme stupidity is a
}       sin)
}       sub-division 1: People who actually enjoy professional wrestling
}    e) People who took the lord's name in vain (self explanatory)
}    f) People who used the lord's Visa card number in vain (ditto)
}    g) People who bought Pee-Wee Herman memorabelia (stupidity again)
}    h) People who believe everything they read (guess what)
}    g) Television network excutives who decided to ax Twin Peaks
}    i) Lawyers (self explanatory)
}
} II. Non-Sinners
}    a) People who changed the channel when _Married, With Children_ came
}       on
}    b) People who *didn't* buy any New Kids On The Block albums
}    c) People who drove at the speed limit (sparsely populated)
}    d) People who thought Farvegnuggen was dumb
}    e) People who *didn't* switch to MCI (the monopoly was bigger than
}       you think)
}
} III. Repentants
}    a) People who all did things that the people in the Sinners region
}       did, but who are really, really sorry and promise never to do it
}       again.
}
} IV. Deadheads
}    a) Sinners (see Sinners)
}    b) Non-Sinners (see Non-Sinners)
}
} V. Politicians
}    a) People who decided Dan Quale would make a good vice-president.
}    b) People who admitted being responsible for Irangate
}    c) People who actually *were* responsible for Irangate
}    d) People with faulty memories of Irangate (*RESERVED*)
}    e) People who lived in Washington DC (beyond extreme stupidity)
}                                   ----------
}
} As you can see, Dr. Seuss could be in any one of a number of places,
} but he's most likely in the Non-Sinners region, possibly in the _c_
} division.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Spam and a roll of duct tape.


357-09    (26573 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle, whom my most exagerated superlatives cannot justly
> describe, pray answer me this question:  how did George Bush find
> someone even less qualified than I to be Vice President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By confining his search to Republicans.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dan Quayle joke he hasn't heard.


357-10    (58631 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> But the real question is:  bowls or stories -- which will
> be more satisfying?
>
> ..Dick W.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, bowls are faaaar more satisfying.  You can put all
} sorts of things into a bowl...m&ms, peanuts, kittens, porterhouse,
} and of course Trix jello....
}
}       What can you put into stories?  Well, not much to tell the
} truth.  I tried to pour a bag of cheese curds into a Stephen King
} collection and it just stank...
}
}       You owe the Oracle a bar of cheddar...


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