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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that my terminal/modem lock up just when the > article I'm reading starts to get REALLY interesting? > Is this an example of AI?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Almost. It's actually an example of AIDS (Artificial Intelligence } Deficiency Syndrome) that affects most PCs, Macintoshes, and anything } produced by Sun. Most computers are just as interested in your articles } as you are, and they will read the articles before passing them on to } you. This should normally take only an instant, but if it's } intelligence has been hindered by AIDS, the machine may thrash around } trying to figure out the normal implications of said articles. Some } machines may crash due to an inability to understand some particularly } witty or profound statement, some may merely cut off the article at the } important point. } } Here are some steps you can take to remedy the situation: } } 1. Disconnect your machine to other machines. As you probably know AIDS } is spread through interfacing with other machines, and you've probably } witnessed how one computer networked to many others becomes sluggish } and unresponsive. } } 2. Moderate the amount of phillosophical or humorous articles you read, } so you don't overload your computer. Diffuse such material with boring } or insulting articles. Alternate between reading alt.humor.oracle with } alt.sex for example. } } And the most important thing is: } 3. When about to read a particularly hilarious or deep article.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, > > We did not find it.  Is it OK to use a cucumber instead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Absolutely not! It would be considered cruel and unusual } punishment to the goose. Merely place your hands on the edge of the } table, drawing the watermelon back far enough so your partner can } switch on the battery, and paste the edge of the newspaper on the } plastic, until the name "Maudling" is almost totally obscured.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Wise Oracle, > two words are sticking in my mind and I don't know what > they mean. Can you tell me what "Happy Rhodes" is.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       They're the secret keywords implanted in the UN*X System V } kernel. Whenever a posting is recieved by a machine running this } modified kernel, it causes the machine to run at a 50% reduced speed. } This modified kernel is responsible for 85% of netlag. The other 15% of } netlag is caused by static electricity. So there.         At your } service, as always...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, who can write text editors in FORTRAN, do > scientific programming in COBOL, and even write useful programs in > BASIC, please help me out: > > Lately all of the MIPS inside my computer seem to have escaped and are > flying around my lab, pouncing on my coworkers and our cats.  They keep > dive bombing the poor helpless creatures, (the coworkers) screaming > "IBM SUCKS" and disrupting our gossip, er, research.  I've been beating > them off with a curses manual, but they seem to be getting better at > dodging.  Worse yet, I see a couple of MFLOPS staring out from near the > power supply  with their beady little eyes, waiting their chance to > attack.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After consulting with my priesthood, I have decided that the best course } of action would be as follows: }   Firstly, you need to get in contact with an IBM technician.  When } He/She arrives in their nice blue suit butter them up with sweet talk } and take them into the lab.  It matters not, that you have an IBM or } not.  I sincerely hope you do not. }   Anyway, take the technician into the lab (making sure he is wearing an } IBM badge.  When your renegade MIPS see him/her they will go for the } attack thus destroying the technician. }   As the little MIPSes feast on the flesh of the technician simply } capture them with a handy Xterm.  Not only will you have captured your } MIPSes, but you will have removed a technician from the face of the } earth.  This method will be most pleasing to the Oracle. }   If, you find that this method fails, then you should visit the Little } Shop Of Oracularities.  In this shop you will find a MIPS-- machine. }   Fortunately this machine is a field effect machine (Price upon } application).  Simply set the machine up in the doorway of your lab and } (after removing the cats from the room, and coworkers if you feel } friendly) activate the machine according to instructions. }   Any little MIPS caught in the MIPS-- field will immediately dump thier } core, and without this will be unable to fly any more.  It should be a } simple matter to put them back in your computer. }   On the final problem of your MFLOPS near your power supply, you should } be able to keep them in line with some of the flesh from the technician. }   To stop the problem occurring again I would suggest you wrap the } terminals in any of your favourite shells, and take 2 aspirin every 12 } hours. }   You owe the Oracle the IBM badge.  (I'll put it on my wall, next to } the moose heads)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what will happen to gerd on his trip to california?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP> } } <brrrrrr> } } <brrrrrr> } } "Hello, and welcome to the Fates Telcom Service. If you are inquring } about the past, please enter '1' from your touch-tone phone now. If you } are inquiring about the present, please enter '2.' If you are inquiring } about the future, please enter '3.' If you are calling from a rotary } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the future of Yugoslavia, please enter '1.' } If you are interested in the 1992 United States presidential campaign, } please enter '2.' If you are interested in Gerd's trip to California, } please enter '3.' If you are interested in Elizbeth Taylor's ninth --" } } <BEEP> } } --" "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please } enter '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd, } please enter '2.' If you are interested in the sex experienced by Gerd, } please enter '3.' If you are interested in the memorable sights seen by } Gerd, please enter  '4.' If you are interested in the lunatics who will } contact Gerd, please enter '5.' To hear these options repeated, please } enter '9.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now." } } <BEEP> } } "There will be none." } } "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please enter } '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd, please } enter '2.' If you are interested --" } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in San } Bernadino, please enter '1.' If you are interested in the drunk and } disorderly charge in Los Angeles, please enter '2.' If you are } interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in Santa Barbara, } please enter '3.' If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly } charge in Bakersfield, please enter '4.' If you are interested in } the drunk and disorderly charge in Fresno, please enter '5.' If you } are interested in the bank robbery and shootout in San Francisco, } please enter '6.' If you are interested in the drunk and disorderly } charge in Lassen Volcanic Natural Park, please enter '7.' If you are } interested in the drunk and disorderly charge in Yreka, please enter } '8.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now." } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the crimes --" } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the mugging in Los Angeles, please enter '1.' } If you are interested in the pickpocketing incident in San Diego, } please enter '2.' If you are interested in the indecent exposure } incident on I-5, please enter '3.' If you are interested in the } kidnapping and reprogramming interlude in San Francisco, please enter } '4.' To return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now." } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the crimes visited upon Gerd, please enter } '1.' If you are interested in the crimes perpetrated by Gerd, please } enter '2.' If you are interested in the sex experienced by Gerd, please } enter '3.' If you are interested in the memorable sights seen by Gerd, } please enter  '4.' If you are interested in the wierdos and freaks met } by Gerd, please enter '5.' To hear these options --" } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the biker gang, please enter '1.' If } you are interested in the Moonies, please enter '2.' If you are } interested in the defrocked priest, please enter '3.' If you are } interested in the Field Workers Liberation Front, please enter '4.' } If you are interested in the federal agents, please enter '5.' If } you are interested in the movie star, please enter '6.' If you are } interested in the Professor and Mary Ann, please enter '7.' To } return to the previous menu, please enter '0' now." } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the crimes visited --" } } <BEEP> } } "If you are interested in the future of Yugoslavia --" } } <BEEP> } } "Thank you for using the Fates Telcom Service. We hope this service } has been helpful to you, and look forward to hearing from you again, } if we allow. Have a nice day."

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ... where I can get the best beer in the world !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice grovelling... Nice question... } } You owe the oracle a sixpack.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oralce?  You there, pal?  Got a question... > > Why is it when I was a kid, every Year the Sear's Christmas Wish Book > always showed an Etch a Sketch with a house drawn on it (with perfectly > diagonal > > lines) and then also a ROUND sun up in the corner, AND THERE WERE *NO* > LINES connecting the sun to the house.  Isn't that an impossibility on > an Etch-Sketch?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you well know, the Etch-a-Sketch is useful for many specialized } drawing purposes, but these are normally restricted to horizontal and } vertical lines. } } The promotion of this fascinating device has a sketchy history. When } ACME first marketed this novelty (yes, they were the first to sell it), } they set upon the problem of showing people the neat things it could } do. First they hired several artists to do their best with the toy, but } this met with little success. Most artists complained of the drawing } restrictions they were limited to. Several of the most dillegent ones } started a branch of art known as Neo-Cubism, and some made what can } only be described as minimalist or serial art. Several interesting } artifacts were made, one being a mural of ACME's logo done on 9 } Etch-a-Sketch's in a 3x3 row. } } One of the minor successes was a few submissions described as "cows } eating grass". The marketeers decided this was probably the easiest } picture anybody could produce, and so they declared that this picture } be engraved on the device when it was sold, furthermore  one could } always return it to this position by shaking the screen. However this } did not solve the problem of actually drawing stuff on it. } } The most innovative work used 28 E&Ss to make a sculpture of a } horseman, submitted by a young man name of Worhol. While the marketeers } agreed this was fine art, they decided the production costs of } crumpling the toys to sculpt them properly far outweighed the aesthetic } value, and they insisted the thing could be used to actually DRAW } something! } } Mr. Worhol was deeply offended. He stiffly declared that only monkeys } would be stupid enough to think they could produce art by drawing on } the thing. } } The executives of ACME agreed, and made plans to sell their marketing } license of the Etch-a-Sketch. } } But the marketeers weren't licked yet! They decided to take Mr. Worhol } quite at his word, and so assembled a giant lab filled with chimps, } each assigned to a particular E&S. After 2 weeks, 3174 E&S's and } 500,002 bananas, they analyzed the results. The picture you see of the } sun and house was the best one, they decided, so they marketed this } picture. They did have to reject 1,235 sonnets, 238 self-portraits } (though well done, a chimp's self-portrait does not seem to appeal to } the human eye.) and a revised version of the Complete Works of Douglas } Adams. } } Unfortunately the sun-house picture reached the executives too late, } who had already sold their license to the product. } } However they did find out, several years later, that Mr Worhal, afraid } of being shown up by a chimp, had himself created the sun-house picture } we all know and love. Apparently the marketeers were so excited at } seeing a 'sensible' picture, they failed to notice the black thread } glued to the screen. } } Of course, the executives sat on this secret, and it is only because of } I, the omnicient Oracle, that this secret may now be revealed. Trust } me, it IS impossible to actually CREATE that picture on the screen w/o } artificial props. } } You owe the Oracle your self-portrait.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell meO great Oracle.... > Where did Dr. Seuss go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has given much thought to your question and has decided that } it is actually a question within a question. For Dr. Suess is --I mean } *was*-- a mortal and to tell you where he went, I would have to tell } you where *all* mortals go when their time comes. Unfortunately, the } only one who can tell you for certain, right off the top of his head, } exactly where each and every mortal soul goes is God. But God is a very } busy chap. Between arranging miracles, inflicting plagues, answering } prayers (except those that originate at racetracks), listening to } mortals yell about him during sex, talking with Orel Roberts and making } sandwiches at the poker game every other Saturday, he's hardly got a } moment to breathe--not that he has to. I left a message on his machine } concerning this particular question, but he hasn't gotten back to me } yet so the best I can do is pass on to you the information presented in } a pamhlet I picked up once while waiting in his office. Some } information has been omitted for the sake of brevity, for the Oracle is } not in the mood to be verbose. }                                   ---------- } }                           GUIDE TO THE GREAT BEYOND }                         A quick look at the afterlife }                            Written by God, By God! } } The afterlife is divided into 5 main regions, each conststing of a } number of divisions. Each division may have further sub-divsions, } depending on popular demand and housing conditions. The five main } regions are Sinners, Non-Sinners, Repentants, Deadheads and } Politicians. Note that the Deadhead division has its own } Sinner/Non-Sinner divisions. The reason for this is to enable all the } Deadheads to be grouped into their own region because, frankly, noone } else can stand them. } } What region a mortal goes to depends on the information on his Lifetime } Experience Form 2285-J, which can be obtained from the admissions desk. } Listed below are a few of the more heavily populated divisions and the } criteria needed to qualify for entry. } } I. Sinners }    a) People who voted for Richard M. Nixon (self-explanatory) }    b) People who removed tags from their mattresses (ditto) }    c) People who let their shopping carts run around lose in the }       parking lot instead of putting them back where they found then }       (ditto) }    d) People who sent money to televangelists (extreme stupidity is a }       sin) }       sub-division 1: People who actually enjoy professional wrestling }    e) People who took the lord's name in vain (self explanatory) }    f) People who used the lord's Visa card number in vain (ditto) }    g) People who bought Pee-Wee Herman memorabelia (stupidity again) }    h) People who believe everything they read (guess what) }    g) Television network excutives who decided to ax Twin Peaks }    i) Lawyers (self explanatory) } } II. Non-Sinners }    a) People who changed the channel when _Married, With Children_ came }       on }    b) People who *didn't* buy any New Kids On The Block albums }    c) People who drove at the speed limit (sparsely populated) }    d) People who thought Farvegnuggen was dumb }    e) People who *didn't* switch to MCI (the monopoly was bigger than }       you think) } } III. Repentants }    a) People who all did things that the people in the Sinners region }       did, but who are really, really sorry and promise never to do it }       again. } } IV. Deadheads }    a) Sinners (see Sinners) }    b) Non-Sinners (see Non-Sinners) } } V. Politicians }    a) People who decided Dan Quale would make a good vice-president. }    b) People who admitted being responsible for Irangate }    c) People who actually *were* responsible for Irangate }    d) People with faulty memories of Irangate (*RESERVED*) }    e) People who lived in Washington DC (beyond extreme stupidity) }                                   ---------- } } As you can see, Dr. Seuss could be in any one of a number of places, } but he's most likely in the Non-Sinners region, possibly in the _c_ } division. } } You owe the Oracle a can of Spam and a roll of duct tape.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh Oracle, whom my most exagerated superlatives cannot justly > describe, pray answer me this question:  how did George Bush find > someone even less qualified than I to be Vice President?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} By confining his search to Republicans. } } You owe the Oracle a Dan Quayle joke he hasn't heard.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> But the real question is:  bowls or stories -- which will > be more satisfying? > > ..Dick W.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh, bowls are faaaar more satisfying.  You can put all } sorts of things into a bowl...m&ms, peanuts, kittens, porterhouse, } and of course Trix jello.... } }       What can you put into stories?  Well, not much to tell the } truth.  I tried to pour a bag of cheese curds into a Stephen King } collection and it just stank... } }       You owe the Oracle a bar of cheddar...