[IO]
Internet Oracle
21 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 16:02:47 GMT

Internet Oracularities #358

Goto:
358, 358-01, 358-02, 358-03, 358-04, 358-05, 358-06, 358-07, 358-08, 358-09, 358-10


Usenet Oracularities #358    (21 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 15 Oct 91 09:57:25 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   358
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

358   21 votes 26850 17562 4b411 46731 19731 22287 23484 24843 44553 08625
358   3.0 mean  2.8   3.0   2.2   2.6   2.7   3.8   3.4   3.1   3.0   3.2


358-01    (26850 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise Oracle,
>
> I am a devout pagan and worshipper of the old gods.  Why is it that I
> keep attracting all these born-again christians?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a shameful yet open secret that things are tough in the divinity
} business nowadays.  The presence of some of the more washed-up deities
} playing cameo roles (as themselves or as other deities) in some of My
} august oracularities may have tipped you off.  While I am pleased to
} help My less well-off comrades when I can, I am often the last stop for
} them before Hollywood Squares and the Love Boat.
}
} Consider the Aztec pantheon.  Once whole nations held them in awe, and
} they enjoyed thousands of human sacrifices every year.  Now almost no
} one tears out a heart for them any more.  The gods who are household
} names, despite their wider exposure, are doing little better.  Take the
} current front runner: sure, many folks still go to his churches, but
} it's nothing like the heady expansion days of the Roman Empire, when
} followers joyfully went off to get mauled by lions. Face it:  today's
} believers have grown unacceptably soft to be of any use to most
} deities.  Or as Quetzalcoatl succinctly put it at a crisis meeting of
} the General Pantheon last month:  "They're all a bunch of WIMPS!"
}
} Well, some of us eventually agreed to cooperate in raising the standard
} again. We're pledged not to divulge the exact details to mortals, but
} suffice it to say that the phenomenon you're noticing may have
} something to do with it.
}
} Have you noticed, for instance, that these born-agains have been
} especially fervent to witness to you lately?  Have they talked
} rhapsodically about wanting to follow in the footsteps of their
} founder, who they also emphasize as a pure and perfect sacrifice?  Have
} you, upon hearing all this enough times, been feeling the instinct to
} rip their guts out?
}
} Have you considered that possibly none of this is coincidence?
}
} You owe the Oracle first dibs.


358-02    (17562 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is it that when these things happen, people always say
> "These things happen."?
>
> Huh?
>
> Just wondering . . .
>
> Signed,
>
> A humble postulant, unworthy to floss the toes of the Mighty Usenet
> Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "These things happen" isn't really the statement made: think about it.
} If we do a brief experiment I think you'll see the light.
}
} Suppose you were to win a ton of money suddenly....  Hmm.  Let's see.
} I know I left Ed's phone number around here somewhere... Ah, yes.
}
}   Hey Ed!  T. Usenet Oracle here.
}
}   What? Hunh?  Don't you know it's four in the morning???
}
}   I got a poor schmuck over here who needs to win a million bucks.
}   Drop by his place tomorrow with all of the lights and cameras and
}   that great big check you're always waving around.
}
}   Forget it!  I'm not about to put my hugely lucrative endorsement
}   career on the line just for some two bit electronic deity.  My fans,
}   integrity, and wallet are far more important than an order from some
}   overgrown abacus. Let me tell..
}
}   Either that or I pull out those photos from the last Tonight Show
}   cast party- you know, the ones with you, Lisa, and the ox.
}
}   A million, you say?
}
} Now listen to the comments made by your friends and co-workers.  How
} many told you "These things happen"?  None, right?
}
} Ok, now, let's suppose your grandmother were to be hit by a bolt of
} lightning, much like this. <ZOT>  Oh dear- she didn't seem to hold up
} very well to that at all.  Just a second...
}
}   Hello- you have reached the 911 emergency hotline.  Our operator is
}   currently on break, so all calls are being forwarded to our new voice
}   mail system.  Please press 1 if you are bleeding profusely, press 2
}   if you or your home is on fire, press 3 if <ZOT><ZOT><ZOT><ZOT><ZOT>
}
} Sorry, but the Oracle does not do voice mail.  Anyway, now tell your
} friends and co-workers that your grandmother just died.  How many told
} you "Oh, we're sorry.  Shame that these things happen" with sickening
} sympathetic looks of concern?  Lots, correct?
}
} Now you know the full meaning: "These BAD things happen"  People say
} this because they realize that the world is a profoundly depressing and
} unhappy place, where all sorts of horrible things happen constantly,
} and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a single bad thing which has never happened and a
} cyanide pill.


358-03    (4b411 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why I'd rather pamper my ears with fine music, read obscure literature
> and chase after girls than finish my #@&!*! thesis and secure my future
> in a world governed by money.  And what can I do about it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear child...
}       I understand your problem.  Many of us would much prefer to chase
} girls and do the things you mention.  However, what we need to remember
} is that we are mere pawns in this world of money.  The general concept
} is to be a pawn until an opportune moment comes when one can stab one's
} superior in the back in order to take over his/her position.  Once
} accomplished, you will rule the world of money and everyone else will
} be your pawns.  Until the day, grin and bear it.


358-04    (46731 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I want to know the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What?!  Have you never read Douglas Addams?!
}
} The meaning of life is rather simple.  Whoever dies with the
} biggest smile on their face is declared the winner.
}
} (All winnings subsequent to sales tax.  This offer void where
} prohibited by law.)


358-05    (19731 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Great Oracle, who browses through the infinite pages of history and
> thinks "I do nice work", please help me as I prepare a presentation.  I
> would like to include some quotes from historical figures, but not the
> ordinary, everyday quotes you find in the history books or those little
> calendars.  Could you please share with me some of the lesser know
> bits-o-wisdom from those who can be blamed for the way the world is
> today?  Anything will do, really.  My presentation is mostly BS anyway
> and I could work almost anything in. I await your reply with due
> humility.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         "It is folly in one... to look for disinterested favors
} from another."  -- George Washington, Farewell Address to the
} People of the United States, September 1796 (Published in the
} newspaper, "Claypole's Daily Davertiser")
}
}         You owe the ORACLE one of his usual outrageous fees, an
} essay on cheating, an apology to your professor, and credit in
} the presentation.


358-06    (22287 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, before whom all others seem
> as so much pond scum, please answer this lowly mortal his
> entreaty:
>
>      How did you sneak my other blue sock away?  I know you
>      can grab them at will whilst they are in the dryer, but
>      I never put my socks in the dryer.  I hang them on the
>      towel racks in the bathroom to dry.  My mother told me
>      (and her wisdom is eclipsed only by yours, most wise and
>      all-knowing orrie) that drying them in the dryer is bad
>      for the elastic, so I never do it.  I know I had two of
>      them drying there, and I wanted to wear them, but one
>      is gone!  I do not begrudge you the sock, most bodacious
>      and succulent one, but I long to know how you did it.
>
> I remain, splendiferous one, you lowly servant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit outta my hat."
}
} "Again?"
}
} "Nuthin up my thleeve... Prethto!"
}
} "Say, Bullwinkle, what is that thing?"
}
} "Why, it lookth like one blue thock. Gee, I wonder where it could
} have come from. I know it'th not one of mine. I dithinctly remember
} putting on one red thock and one yellow thock thith morning. Thee?"
}
} "Bullwinkle, those socks don't match!"
}
} "Why, thure they do! In fact, I have another pair at home jutht like
} them."
}
} "Anyway, wherever that blue sock came from, it's not a rabbit."
}
} "No, but with thome thithorth and glue I could make it into a rabbit
} puppet."
}
} "Maybe you should take that magic hat back where you bought it and
} demand a refund. It's never worked right."
}
} "I don't think I can get a refund."
}
} "Why not?"
}
} "I got it for free. I met a thort, evil-looking fellow with a black
} mouthtache on the thtreet one day, and he gave me thith hat. He thaid
} it wath a magic hat which used wormholeth through time and thpathe
} to tranthlocate bunnieth for magic trickth."
}
} "A wormhole? That sounds like a whole load of baloney to me."
}
} "Could be, Rocky. Onthe I pulled out a ham sandwich."
}
} "Hey, Bullwinkle, did you say the man who gave you the hat was short,
} evil-looking, and had a black moustache?"
}
} "Yeth."
}
} "Did he have an accent?"
}
} "I couldn't tell."
}
} "Why not?"
}
} "I wath having trouble underthtanding hith thick foreign acthent."
}
} "A short, evil-looking man with a black moustache and an accent. Who
} does that sound like to you?"
}
} "Daddy?"
}
} "No, it was Boris Badenov. He tricked you into taking the magic hat
} from him. No wonder it's never worked!"
}
} "But why would he want me to have the hat?"
}
} "I don't know, but we're going to find out. Come on!"
}
} "Where're we going?"
}
} "To find Boris and make him confess."
}
} "Good idea! I'll meet you there."
}
} "Where are you going?"
}
} "To find a prietht."
}
}       And so our intrepid heroes begin their quest to
}       discover why Boris would foist a magic hat that
}       doesn't quite work on Bullwinkle. Tune in next
}       time for
}
}                     BEDTIME FOR BORIS
}
}       or
}
}               I NEED THIS HAT LIKE I NEED A
}                    WORMHOLE IN THE HEAD


358-07    (23484 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein)" <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   O great Oracle, before whom I an not even worthy to
> self-referentially grovel, so I'll stop now:
>
>   Why won't my computer explode?  I've tried giving it paradoxes to
> solve, showering it with illogical human emotion, asking to compute the
> last digit of Pi using Common Lisp, and questioning its prime
> directive.  But it just sits there.  It doesn't even say "Does not
> compute".
>
>   I did get it to say "Core dumped" once, which sounded promisingly
> ominous, but when I sat back to watch the sparks fly, nothing happened.
>  Not even a puff of smoke.  What's wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is wrong, mortal, is that the people who set up computer systems
} are aware that smart alec users such as yourself are going to be
} working with them. Therefore, they take careful steps to prevent
} deliberate system crashes. However, system designers and programmers
} are, like you, only mortal and have been know to let a few things slip
} by them.
}
} While it is true that all machines have a breaking point, some are
} hardier than others. The Oracle suggests the following methods for
} those stubborn instances when your system just refuses to give in.
}
} 1) Load your system with digitized photographs of Rosanne Barr in the
}    nude. Please note that this means that Barr should appear nude in
}    the photos, and NOT that you should be naked when you carry out this
}    procedure. Unless, of course, you're funny that way.
}
} 2) If your system consists of an Apple II, install a second disk drive
}    controller and issue instructions to get both sets of drives running
}    at the same time. This may not damage the computer per-se, but the
}    power supply will go right out the door.
}
} 3) If your system is a VAX, aquire CMKRNL (Change Mode to KeRNeL) or
}    CMEXEC (Change Mode to EXECutive) privileges and issue a HALT
}    instruction. This may not destroy the system, but it will achieve
}    many of the same effects (like gettimg you fired or expelled or
}    both).
}
} 4) Have the power company change the line voltage to 220, three phase.
}
} 5) Get a few thousand feet of insulated copper wire, wrap the computer
}    room with it and plug it in to a REALLY BIG power supply. You may
}    not get any smoke from this one (other than from the wire) but it'll
}    be a while before anybody uses the system again.
}
} 6) If your system is a Sun running Unix, just wait a while and it'll
}    pack up on its own soon enough.
}
} 7) If you're hell bent on making the sytem blow up just by using the
}    keyboard, make sure you use swift, well placed blows and go for the
}    disk controller first.
}
} 8) If your system uses an 8mm tape drive backup system, ask the system
}    administrator to restore a file for you, then replace the backup
}    tape with a copy of Ishtar when he's not looking.
}
} 9) Write a program to send yourself 100,000,000 copies of a mail
}    message containing at least 100 lines of text. Note that if you do
}    this through a network, you can crash a bunch of other computers
}    too. Again, there'll be no smoke, but you'll have fun and that's
}    what's important.
}
} 10) Finally, if all else fails, please remember the wise words of
}     another Oracle who said:
}     "There's no problem that can't be solved with the proper
}      application of high explosives."
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete collection of VAX/VMS Version 5.4 system
} manuals


358-08    (24843 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> First of all: Forgive me Great Oracle for posing a question about God
> in such a way as to suggest that in addition to your splendiferous self
> there exists some other infinite being.  What I meant to ask was this:
>
> Since YOU are all-powerful, can YOU create a drug such that YOU can get
> high off it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} PFFFFFFFFFFFFfffffffffffftt!!!
}
} Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
}
} Oh, wow.  Look at all them colors!  Wow.  Awesome, man!  What's in the
} fridge?
}
} Mmmm... the Oracle owes you... I mean... I owe the Oracle... I mean...
} Oh wow...


358-09    (44553 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, wise and mystic oracle; keeper of the knowledge of the
> ancients and winner of four academy awards...
>
>       What ever happenned to Jimmy Hoffa?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Aaaaagh! How did you find me here? Kinzler said this #$%* thing was
} anonymous!  Are you with the teamsters? I gotta get out of here!
} <Connection Lost>


358-10    (08625 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, whose wondrous wisdom surpasses that of Solomon,
> Athena, or Jean-Luc Picard and illuminates the net like one of those
> honkin' big carbon-arc lamps that goes BANG! when you turn it on, I
> beseech you to tell me, when Spider-Man was swinging his way across the
> city, what _were_ his webs attached to?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} His hands. What are you, blind?
}
} You owe me a can of Silly String.


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org