[IO]
Internet Oracle
19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:50:06 GMT

Internet Oracularities #359

Goto:
359, 359-01, 359-02, 359-03, 359-04, 359-05, 359-06, 359-07, 359-08, 359-09, 359-10


Usenet Oracularities #359    (24 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 17 Oct 91 08:52:10 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  Let us know what you like!
Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   359
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

359   24 votes 65751 03b73 66372 84831 64941 20a75 06c51 033c6 0d551 025c5
359   3.1 mean  2.6   3.4   2.7   2.4   2.6   3.5   3.0   3.9   2.8   3.8


359-01    (65751 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do houses require more money to be spent on them than wives do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They do??????!!!!!


359-02    (03b73 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How do you spell relief?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The proper way to spell relief is
}
}       I-a-m-n-o-t-r-e-a-l-l-y-p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t
}
} You'll find that there are very few things which provide more relief.
}
} You owe the oracle an EPT.


359-03    (66372 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why is my penis so large?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You lack of sniveling and the superficial coarseness and stupidity
} of your worthless question brought me within a hair's breadth of
} turning you into a patty melt, my presumptuous supplicant.
}
} However, at the last moment, it occured to me that your question must
} be encrypted or something, since the actual size of your miserable
} pecker doesn't seem to (snicker) warrant the attention of an immortal.
}
} I turned to Qabbalistic analysis of your query to ascertain the True
} Question lurking there.  Henceforth, some possible rearrangements
} of your wanker-query, "Why is my penis so large:":
}
} 15. Yo, whimpering lass -- yes!
} 14. Yeh, wipe my gross nails!  .
} 13. Igor Ylenes, whip my ass.
} 12. Win her, ample goy sissy!
} 11. Piss my LAN, ye sore Whig,
} 10. Yes, Phil, ignore my saws!
} 9. Wash my pirogi, Nessey L.!
} 8. Wiemy springy Asshole.
} 7. Yes! Sample hirings! Yow!
} 6. We, her sissy goyim, plan.
} 5. Hey, Eros's lawn is gimpy!
} 4. A ... I espy wormy shingles.
} 3. I spew shiny gray moles.
} 2. My Irish gyno lass, weep.
}
} and probably the most accurate assessment of your anatomy is ...
}
} 1. I.e., whey-slimy ass prong.
}
} You owe the Oracle Miss Muffet's phone number.


359-04    (84831 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To the incredible Oracle of the Usenet,
> Whose knowledge and wisdom is legendary,
> Whose insight on world affairs is astounding,
> Whose listeners are bound for fortune,
> Who, while considered a fiction, a spoof,
>       is an excellent authority to ask on
>       questions of global security,
>       which if breached without such cover,
>       would surely harm we who so humbly ask of you this:
>
> We belong to a secret intelligence corporation that exists as a
> commercial alternative to government espionage.  We search in the dark
> for information and receive payment in the dark.  Our organization is
> proud to have had direct involvement in infiltrating the Nazis and
> inducing Hitler's suicide in the '40s, warning MacArthur of the Red
> Army advance into Korea in the '50s, breaking up the D'Glassio crime
> family in the '60s (an insidious band of high finance rogues), and
> keeping Soviet espionage from dominating the Third World intelligence
> community in the the '70s.
>
> We are officially non-ideological, although many of
> us have supported America as opposed to the Soviets, and so being
> capitalists at heart we have catered to opposing audiences.  Recently,
> we have taken a great loss to our reputation and finances when Iraq
> cancelled our nuclear tech collection contract at the start of the
> Gulf War.  It seems we also lost a big opportunity due to low morale,
> as our moles in the KGB dallied in informing us of the hard-liners'
> putsch.  We could have made out big if we had approached Gorbachev
> before the coup!  Oh well, so much for crying over spilled milk.
>
> Still, we need a new market.  With the end of the Soviet Union as a
> threat to the United States and as a political reference point for the
> Third World, our old haunts are drying up, and now we're stumped.
>
> Oh, great Oracle, before the banks close our (concealed) accounts, what
> is the world's next great intelligence question?
>
> Signing off for now,
> your live(?), roving reporter
> at the University of Roach Eater,
>
> Ben D. Taylor
>
> "Huh? Nobody told me we needed our heads for the exam."
>
> "Whereever you go............ There you are." -- Buckaroo Banzai

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You seem to be missing out on the Clarence Thomas - Ku Klux Klan thing.
} Frankly, for an intelligence group such as your own, I'm suprised that
} you haven't picked up on it yet.  Although he hasn't spoken about his
} involvement with the KKK yet, you people should be aware of this by
} now.  Let me fill you in in:
}
} Back in his marijuana-smoking college days at the Jack Daniels
} Institute of Law and Sexual Harassment, Judge Thomas played football,
} and raised quite a fervor on campus when he mooned the homecrowd after
} sacking the quarterback and asking the cheerleaders if they had ever
} seen such a nice ass.  While some of them fainted, one cute chick namde
} Anita Hill commented on the fact that she had never heard such an
} offensive pick-up line before.  Having been humiliated in front of his
} team, the opponents, and even the unconcious cheerleaders, Judge Thomas
} quit the team and dove into the bottle.  While wandering down a dark
} alley late one night, he stumble upon a meeting of the KKK.  Naturally
} pissed off at the presence of a black man at their meeting, they
} proceded to draw their weapons and move towards the drunk Thomas. Dizzy
} from the bottle, he nonetheless saw the fate which was to be his own if
} he didn't act fast.  He spoke: "I apologize for interrupting your
} gathering, and I will leave you alone if you let me, but if you let me
} help you, I can help you kill off every black man in this area."  This
} got the Grand Master drooling so bad, he slipped and fell in his own
} spit.  When he regained conciousness, they quickly named him an
} honorary member of the KKK. While he promised all the black men, Thomas
} only wanted to see one black dead: the bitch who had embarrassed him.
} They had only begun to plot plot the gruesome suicide that Hill was to
} successfully attempt, when Judge Thomas got word of his nomination to
} the Supreme Court.  He immediately quit the KKK, and accepted Mr.
} Bush's nomination.  Unfortunately, the bitch stepped forward to testify
} against Judge Thomas.  For you and only you to know, the next piece of
} information will be the KKK slaying of Anita Hill, since Thomas never
} lost contact with his white-supremicist friends.
}
} Your mission:  Since the Oracle does not appreciate either the KKK or
} Anita Hill, your mission is to have the KKK kill off both Clarence
} Thomas and Anita Hill, and let President Bush pick someone else to
} judge, such as Marion Barry or Dan Quayle.
}
} You owe the Oracle a picture of Clarence Thomas' butt.


359-05    (64941 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                 Dee
>          Doo
>                       Doo
>                                   Dooooooo  ?
>                             Doo

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dee         Dee
}       Doo        Doo,  Dee            Dee
}                               Doo             Doo
}
} You owe the oracle a close-encounter with your girlfriend/boyfriend.


359-06    (20a75 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh!  How powerful is such a question!  Such grace, such
} power is communed through the artisan's hand!  You can
} just see his face as he so imploringly questions if The
} Oracle, in all of its infinite knowledge and power, would
} deign to grant his feeble, unworthy request.  "Please,
} please! Tell me," he begs, tears streaming down his
} face, as he kneels before The Great One.  "I must
} know."
}       The Oracle looks down, smiling comfortingly at
} the poor mortal.  "Of course, my child. What is your
} question?"
}
}       The supplicant glances up, his eyes red and wet
} from the tears, and a brief flash of hope is seen deep
} within his eyes, a smile, flitting upon his lips.
}
}       "" he says.
}
}       "Sorry, what was that?"
}
}       "" he repeats, his whole body straining to hear
} what the Oracle will answer him.
}
}       "What?"
}
}       A look of fear briefly touches his visage.
} Cannot the Oracle hear him?  He lets go a strangled cry
} of pain, ""?!
}
}       "If you're not going to ask me a question,
} you'll have to leave."
}
}       Strong servants of The Oracle come forward, and
} drag him from the chamber.  He struggles against them,
} but all his energy is spent.  Still, as he is dragged
} out, he cries again and again.  ""  "" "" """"""""""!!!
}
}       "Next," says The Oracle.


359-07    (06c51 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I need to know, oh noble one who told Ali Baba,
>
>       "Hey man, don't touch that lamp!"
>
> "Why do they call toilet paper, facial tissue.  Don't the manufacturers
>  know what it is used for?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Three reasons:
}
} 1) in advertising, it's unwise to mention the word "toilet" on
}    anything, even stuff for the toilet.
}
} 2) a backlash from their being called "buttface" too often.
}
} 3) the most important reason: most advertising people have their heads
}    wedged in their asses anyway, so for them it IS facial tissue.
}
} You owe the Oracle the advertiser's address and the Jaws of Life.


359-08    (033c6 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       Oh oracle, all knowing, I ask of you this question that has been
> in this for some time and find myself at a loss.  I heard that light is
> made of microscopic particles that have nearly no weight.  But, today,
> one of my professors told me that as an object approaches the speed of
> light, it gets heavier.  Well, light GOES the speed of light, so isn't
> it heavy rather that light?  If so, why don't we call light "heavy"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's a heavy question.
}
} Although it might be right to call light "light", it might be right not
} to call light "light".  Your Professor Wright was right, light's made
} of mighty light mites, right?  Right.  Now light mites are light, and
} fight like mighty light mites.  If one takes fright and takes flight,
} the fighting mite might follow right behind the mite with fright.  If
} the fighting mite gets right up with the flighty mite, it might take a
} bite from the flighty mite's right leg, lightening the flighty mite.
} Now as the fighting mite and the flighty mite get right up to the speed
} of light, if the fighting mite likes biting the flighty might the
} flighty mite gets lighter, so it can be flightier.  So when the flighty
} might is right at the speed of light it's actually quite light, right?
} Right.
}
} If light were called "heavy" I wouldn't have been able to write that
} paragraph.
}
} You owe the Oracle every light bulb joke ever.  Right?


359-09    (0d551 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most dude-ulous Oracle !!!?!?!
>
> Which should I call my brother on a regualr basis to annoy him more:
>
> 1) Dude bro
>
> 2) Bro dude

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gets many questions about siblings, and, fortunately, many
} problems mortals have regarding siblings have ample precedent.  Yours,
} my supplicant, is among them.
}
} You see, back in 3986 B.C., after my good friend Yahweh had booted
} Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden, what Yahweh termed
} subprocesses but what you would probably call "children" had emerged,
} two of whom were these two dudes named Abel and Cain.  Abel was the
} older one, and as such, often claimed the preponderance of resources,
} much to Cain's distress.  Cain, although smaller and younger, was,
} nonetheless, the brasher.  One is tempted to say "stupider", but that
} temptation might be due to hindsight.  Anyway, Cain decided to try to
} annoy Abel into letting him have more responsibilities (for example,
} running the lawnmower), and, of course, just to spite him.
}
} Cain first tried calling Abel "dude" instead of "Abel" or "brother".
} Abel took this as a compliment, since he was a budding linguist and
} just thought that Cain was trying to coin new words, which would, of
} course be useful in all aspects of everyday life.  Cain tried using
} "bro" without the intended effect.  Abel recognized that Cain had
} found the first negative-fix method of describing endearment.  Cain's
} combinations of "bro dude" and "dude bro" only puzzled Abel, since he
} couldn't figure out why Cain's word ordering was inconsistent.
}
} Finally, Cain drew despondent.  Abel was getting more and more
} responsibility *and* was finding absolutely nothing annoying in what
} he had done.  Finally, he decided to try to start threatening his
} brother, in the hopes of scaring him off to Poughkeepsie, anywhere but
} Mesopotamia.  Thus, Cain fashioned the world's first jackknife out of
} a flat,sharpened rock, a twisted vine, and a piece of dried celery.
} Cain brandished the knife in front of Abel, who proclaimed, "Why,
} Cain!  The world's first use of recycling, using discarded food as a
} tool!"  Abel grasped the wrong end of the knife, puncturing his hand,
} and bled to death, because while he was wondering about why Cain's
} grammar was inconsistent, he had failed to invent Band-Aids.
}
} So, in the long run, whatever annoying phrase you use for your brother
} might annoy him to death.


359-10    (025c5 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Whatever,
>    Will it work out?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle has attempted to parse your question and has terminated
} with errors.  The Great Oracular Context Demanding Grammar is provided
} below for your inconvenience:
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
} oracle-question->flattery fluff grovelling fluff question
}
} flattery->compliment|compliment fluff flattery
}
} compliment->compliment-physique|compliment-psyche|compliment-Lisa
}
} grovelling->a-grovel|a-grovel fluff grovelling
}
} a-grovel->self-humiliation|
}       offer-to-service-the-Oracle-in-a-disgusting-way|
}       sacrifice-of-body-part|description-of-lude-sexual-practice
}
} fluff->random-character-sequences fluff|(null)
}
} question->Where did it go? |
}         Why did he do it? |
}         How does he do that? |
}         Why couldn't she control herself? |
}         Will it work out? |
}         Why does it happen? |
}         Who is responsible? |
}         Are we there yet? |
}         What is the relationship between the worms and the spice? |
}         Why Spice Racks? |
}         What made me do it? |
}         Vi or Emacs? |
}         How many times have I told you? |
}         Have you checked the children lately? |
}         How can I get a date with Lisa? |
}         Why is that man gesturing? |
}         How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
}               wood? |
}         What is the relationship between the recently observed
}               metamorphosis of the psyche and the patterns occurring
}               in my coffee mug? |
}         .
}         .
}         .
}         But what happened after that?
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} Partial parse tree follows:
}
}                    :(
}                    |
}    +-----------------+----------------+
}    |                                |
}    |                                |
}    |                             question
}    |                                |
}  fluff             +------------+-----+-----+-----------+
}    |               |            |           |           |
} Whatever,         will         it         work         out
}
}
} Error #19:                     Input ended without warning.
} Error #16342349324211003212001:  Flattery not optional.
} Error #4:                        Grovelling not optional.
} Error #0:                      :(
}
} Program terminated abnormally-exited with non-zero return code.
} Segmentation fault--core dumped.
}
} sync;sync;halt


© Copyright 1989-2017 The Internet OracleTM a Kinzler.com offering Contact oracle-web@internetoracle.org