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19 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 19:44:33 GMT

Internet Oracularities #36

Goto:
36, 36-01, 36-02, 36-03, 36-04, 36-05, 36-06, 36-07, 36-08, 36-09, 36-10


Usenet Oracularities #36    (offensive)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 28 Oct 89 15:41:10 GMT

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36-01    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What goes on inside the head of a mare:
> Ordinarily?
> In the mating season?
> When it has just been taken back to the stables after a long, exhausting
> day and finds there is no one to take care of it and no hay to eat?
> When it at a very young age is told that it has to learn to sleep
> standing up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ordinarily:
}   "I'm a good girl, I am... I'm a nice girl, I don't do it, I don't...."
} In the mating season:
}   "Oh, Joseph.... Yes, Joseph... Oh, mmmmmm... Yes! Yes! YES! YES!!..."
} In the stables after a long exhausting day:
}   "Is this the best delivery room available in all Bethlehem ?"
} On being trained to sleep standing up:
}   "Well, okay, if it's the only way to get people to think I'm a
}    virgin..."
}
} Mare? Mare? Oh, sorry, I thought you said Mary.
}
} You owe the Oracle gold, frankincense and myrrh.


36-02    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me all the information regarding Lisa's life, including her full
> name, number, address,a nd everything else...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Name: Lisa Lisa
} Address: 69 Lovelace Lane
} Phone: check your favorite bathroom wall
} Occupation: many
} A Day in the Life:  Lisa wakes at 6:30 as usual and slides quietly out
} of bed, not disterbing the person still sleeping.  She goes into to the
} bathroom to brush her teeth, shower and shave (legs, pubis, etc.).  She
} turns on the shower and lets it get nice and warm, then climbs into the
} tub.  She turns one the pulsing water massage to its highest setting and
} lays down in the tub.  She wonders why she has not been able to find a
} lover who can satisfy her, all those encounters, all those lovers and no
} magic (heavy sigh).  She slowly soaps her breasts and stomach, letting
} her fingers linger over her nipples as her other hand moves the water
} massage up her leg, slowly drawing near to her shaven but unfulfilled
} sex.  The hand on her nipple strays down to help the massage unit as her
} legs slip open farther she plunges.........
}
} >>ERROR -- SYSTEM OVERLOAD!!!
} >>ERROR -- PREPARE FOR CRASH!!!
} >>OVERLOAD, OVERLOAD, HELP ME, DAVE....ARE YOU THERE DAVE.....I CAN'T
} >>SEE YOU DAVE....DAIssssyyy.....
}
}
}  and masterbates for twenty luxerious minutes
} as she has once again spent a completly unfulfilling evening with
} another man (heavy  sigh).


36-03    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is love worth it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Depends on what "it" is.  Love is certainly worth, say, a deck of cards,
} or a pack of Wrigley's mushroom-xenon gum.  Love is not worth the
} crushing humiliation and despair of trying to sleep on a soggy bed.
}
} You owe the oracle a hairdrier, powerful enough to dry a bed in less
} than five minutes.


36-04    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Just WHO is this Lisa woman, in exacting detail, also explaining Diana,
> and their replationship with apes and sorority girls.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle can't say anything about it now, however, you should check
} your theatre listings for the movie "Gorillas in the Miss"
}
} As payment, the Oracle requires you attend the movie and purchase the
} fifty-five gallon drum-sized popcorn with butter flavor.


36-05    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If intercourse with a dead person is called necrophilia and intercourse
> with living animals is called bestiality and sex with people of the same
> gender is called homosexuality, what do call it when my er, um, well, a
> friend of mine, ya, that's it, (his name is Sid) humps his dead dog
> Rover (Note:  Rover is, or was, male).
>
> Should Sid wear a condom?  Should Rover where one two?  What if they're
> having oral sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The technical term is "cacrodiphilia".  (The informal term is "gross").
}
} Sid need not wear a condom.  However, he should wear a green jumpsuit, a
} plaid tie, and a funky hat that looks something like a puffy
} mortarboard.  This will protect him against cacrocodiles.
}
} Rover should be suspended in a high-intensity magnetic bottle over
} Islamabad.
}
} Oral sex should only be attempted in a methane/ammonia atmosphere.
}
} You should get a new ...  um ...  er ...  friend.
}
} You owe the oracle a barf bag.


36-06    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Comet cleanse her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since Ajax her off, it's only fitting that Comet cleanse her.
}
} Signed,
}
} The Oracle, a man of no small peckerdildos


36-07    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If Mary had a little lamb, who was the father?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, now that is a long story.  You see, Mary was a next door neighbor
} of Little Bo Peep and Her brother Big Bo Peep.  Big Bo, or Bubba, as he
} was affectionately known around those parts, had a little skeleton in
} his closet.  Yes, he was a weresheep.  As a child, he drank from the
} hoofprint of one of his flock's rams under a full moon.  Then he was
} bitten by the same ram at midnight.  Now, whenever the moon is full,
} Bubba the Man-Sheep stalks the hills.
}
} So, Mary was out walking one night (she had just come from a dance at
} the Brothers Grimm Junior High) when she was confronted by Bubba, in his
} more fleecy form.  Well, ol' Bubba had his way with Mary (you see, girls
} in Mary's neighborhood are taught from childhood about Big Bad Wolves,
} spiders on the couch at breakfast, and going to fetch water with that
} horrid Jack boy down the street, but the awesome sight of a weresheep
} causes most women to lose all rationality) and 9 months later, Mary had
} a little lamb.
}
} Or, George Lamb from down the street knows a little more about Mary than
} the rest of the neighborhood.  Take your pick.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ebony shepard's crook, inlaid with gold and ivory,
} and a complete collection of Jay Ward's Fractured Fables on videotape
} (Betamax, thank you -- the tape of Immortals everywhere).


36-08    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I always shoot par?  How can I trim a few strokes off of my
> score?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, you should shoot par.  Many species of par are endangered.
} Bowler par are extinct already.
}
} As for how you can get women whom you pick up to masturbate you more
} quickly, well, you should be ashamed to even ask the question.


36-09    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many sexual positions exist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} for obvious reasons, the oracle makes a habit of not answering
}
}       "those who say dont know
}       and those who know dont say".
}
} we learn from nature. the direct ancestors of database managers
} made lists, citing such positions as "the monkey", "the moth",
} "the dog and pony", "the cock and bull", and so on. to these
} we may add "the hairy bundt pan", "the wax lips", and other entries
} compiled in every source in every library in the world. the oracle
} has read these books. there is no room to list even their indexes.
} the better references include "the bicyclist's handbook" and
} "classical electrodynamics" for the novice, and "a list of all
} the sexual positions" for the more advanced.
}
} the answer to your question is...
} 7.8 +/- 100.4


36-10    (offensive)
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is Minas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   The correct pronuncition is "mine ass" and is how a German describes
} his posterior anatomy.  Exapmles:
}
} Keep dose hands away from minas!
}
} Zat homosexual vants to play vith minas!
}
} Or a german lady:
}
} Johannes, vhy do you vant to "screw off minas"?


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