} Buried underneath a virtual mound of correspondence, the Oracle sighs
} deeply, once again caught in a moment of reverential whimsy as he
} contemplates the perverse and difficult ways of those strange human
} creatures it his patient and time-exponential duty to guide, as gently
} as possible, onto the Path That Is Wisdom, and wonders, somewhat idly
} WHY THE HELL THEY CAN'T BLOODY WELL DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD!!
} Now, listen here, my good little fjordling, and listen well, because
} there is a damn fine reason why orgasms are not allowed near computer
} equipment, and I'm going to tell you what it is. This will involve a
} little cultural anthropolgy, so wipe that smile off of your face,
} because whether you realize this or not, you are for once involved in
} something far, far, bigger than yourself.
} By way of introduction, have you never wondered what happened to all
} the magic in the world? Your literature is flooded with tales of spells
} and incantations, demons and sorcerers, wild magic, fairies and elves.
} And yet, and yet, take your head out of that copy of "Biker" magazine
} for just a few moments and even you will notice that your world today
} is dull, drab, and dreary, run by small-minded bureaucrats with no
} sense of fun, incapable even of enjoying the simple pleasure of a game
} of MouseTrap (tm).
} The explanation is this: in ancient times, two essences inhabited your
} world, opposing forces held in paradoxical tension, cohabiting uneasily
} with one another in an unstable equilibrium. These essences have been
} given many names in the past: right and left, good and evil, order and
} chaos. Humankind are prone to make such value judgements, and to think
} that one of the opposing forces, usually whichever they happen to be
} labelling "good" at the time, as inherently superior to its opposite. I
} wish to avoid any such prejudices with which your childhood culture has
} doubtless inculcated you, so I shall name simply "yin" and "yang". You
} may think of "yin" as order and "yang" as chaos. Yin is structure, law,
} government. Yang is fluid, magic, freedom.
} In ancient times then, yin and yang, order and chaos, existed in a
} sullen truce. Those in which the spirit of yin predominated formed
} communities, made laws to abide by, appointed judges and police
} officers to enforce them, and called themselves civilized. Those for
} whom the call of yang proved irresistable, kept mostly to themselves,
} weaving their silent magic in the Earth's secret places.
} But it is the way of civilization that it must conquer and this is
} neither good nor bad as you understand it, merely a fact, just as it is
} a fact it is in the nature of magic to resist the encroachment of that
} order upon it. And so things stood until about 1200 years ago.
} At that time, in the land now named Ireland, a great manifestation of
} yin appeared, and the manifestation was named Bailey. It is related in
} The Book of Kells, that Bailey sought to destroy the essence of yang,
} for it is is in the nature of yin that it is shortsighted and does not
} understand the reliance it has upon its opposite, which is why you can
} never get XWindows to run at a reasonable speed on any machine that
} anyone could ever afford.
} But the voices of yang spoke to Bailey in a dream and made this fairly
} plain to him, and so his purpose was deflected so that he resolved
} eventually to merely contain yang and keep it in one place, where he
} could keep a very close eye on it indeed. And after much striving,
} tells the Book of Kells, he succeeded. And Bailey stored the captured
} essence of yang in a bottle. And the force of yang, of fluid and magic,
} was much weakened in your world, and the force of yin, of order and
} literal-mindedness was correspondingly strengthened.
} And two things happened.
} The first was that as order and structures predominated, your current,
} drab, dreary, fast-food, electronic, space-age, whizzbang, conservative
} American, ultimately doomed (take it from Me) culture developed,
} culminating in its ultimate expression, the computer, which only ever
} does what you tell it to, which is so complicated that no individual
} truly understands all its complexity, that props up the wildly
} out-of-control forces of law and order that underpin your sick,
} unbalanced society.
} And the other was that Bailey's Bottle disappeared.
} But very shortly after that, someone started making Bailey's Irish
} Cream, a smooth, wondrous drink, whose restorative powers are legend,
} whose seductive wiles are myriad, whose magic is deep and tempting.
} Now, these last 1200 years, the spirit of yin has been largely
} unopposed, and it has multiplied its powers exceedingly, so that now,
} the amount of order and literal-mindedness contained in a single Sun
} workstation running O/S 4.1 is equivalent to all the order that Bailey
} and the generations that preceded him could ever have imagined. And all
} this time, the makers of Bailey's Irish Cream have perfected their Art,
} shielding against the cyclone of yin their one tiny flame of yang,
} waiting for the time when balance can be restored, slowly, patiently,
} Because it is very, very important that this be done carefully. For can
} you, sitting there in your foolish mortal ignorance, even faintly
} comprehend what might happen if that much yin and yang were ever
} allowed to come into *direct unshielded contact*??? Lab Technicians
} understand this. Alcohol is expressly forbidden in all laboratories,
} just to make sure. But you, you, you will court disaster, insisting on
} having your cocktail/programming nights, won't you? Go on, tell me how
} you make an orgasm? Feel very foolish now, don't you, because the light
} has finally dawned upon you that in addition to the whipped cream, the
} dash of aniseed and the two nips of Cointreau, the main ingredient of
} an orgasm is...well, which seductive, wily, tempting drink from Ireland
} do you think I'm talking about, eh? Now, GET OUT OF THAT LAB, PRONTO!
} You owe the Oracle a flaming lambourghini, mixed with Sambucca, and
} affordably priced.