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Internet Oracularities #360

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Usenet Oracularities #360    (20 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 21 Oct 91 09:16:35 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   360
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

360   20 votes 17822 43247 16661 34247 44831 26417 14843 23933 35732 54731
360   3.0 mean  2.9   3.4   3.0   3.4   2.6   3.2   3.2   3.1   2.8   2.5


360-01    (17822 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O h what a beautiful name that
> R asps in my throat as I pronounce it
> A nd how heavenly the sound it is!
> C ould you possibly imagine a more
> L oving and respectful
> E arful of grovelling such as this?
>
> Say, dude... aren't you worried that Lisa might bring a sexual
> harassment suit against you? Some of the innuendo that passes for
> titilation on this Oracle line is pretty raw stuff.
>
> What think, kemosabe?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, if Judge Thomas can get away with it, then so can I.


360-02    (43247 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise, witty, wonderful Oracle, whose hovercraft most certainly
> is not full of eels except when you want
> it to be, please tell me:
>    I finally got Jennifer to go out with me...now what do I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, dear, another one of these.  OK, follow these steps carefully:
}
} 1. Take a bath.  Yes, this involves actually allowing the water (and
} soap, too) to contact your skin.  People survive it all the time.  Wash
} your hair, although the Oracle realizes you may need to use ArmorAll
} rather than shampoo this time around.
}
} 2. Get new clothes.  I realize that having blue jeans that stand on
} their own makes it easy to get dressed, but get something a bit more
} stylish.  New shoes (without holes; new ones come that way) and a shirt
} that actually has buttons, sleeves, and no pens in the pocket would be
} nice as well.
}
} 3. Pick a place to take her to dinner.  I strongly suggest you avoid
} pizza places and Chinese places (unless they put tableclothes on the
} tables); I realize this may mean you have to expand your selection of
} restaurants from those that deliver at 12:30am.
}
} 4. Engage in entertaining conversation.  In particular, DO NOT BRING UP
} THE FOLLOWING TOPICS: Computers (of any form), science fiction (of any
} kind), or role-playing games (of any type), unless she has already
} expressed an honest and deep interest in those topics.  You might
} consider reading something that actually has some vague literary merit,
} if you can spare the time from working on your latest YACC
} optimization.
}
} 5. Now, you have to make a decision.  Are you interested in a quick
} night of sex, or actual romance?  Continue below as appropriate (it's
} just like a flow chart, so don't sweat it):
}
} 5a. Quick sex: I strongly suggest investing in a bottle of RealMan (tm)
} Genuine Spurious Aphrodisiac Powder.  Put some in her drink when she's
} not looking.  By the time you get her back to her place, she'll be
} ready to haul you upstairs, tear your clothes off, and screw your
} brains out for hours.  (You may have to think fast if she lives with
} her folks.)  Unfortunately, she'll be so ashamed of herself in the
} morning that she'll refuse to see you, but that accomplishes the goal,
} hmmm?
}
} 5b. True romance: Repeat 1-4 as necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle an invitation to the wedding or baby shower,
} whichever comes first.


360-03    (16661 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great, oh so wise, oh so 'Long Dong Silver'ish one.
>
> Why did Anita Hill come back and haunt me? When I asked you many years
> ago:
>
> > Hey, is it ok if I sexually harass one of my special assistants?
>
> You replied:
>
> } Sure! GO ahead, no one will ever find out and she will probably never
> } become famous, or you for that matter, so no one will look into it
> } Oh, try the 'Pubic Hair in my Coke joke' right now. Just march right
> } out of your office and proclaim that. Trust me, no one will ever know
> } And she will never have the courage to come out and admit it.
>
> Well, great! She came out and admitted, right in my confirmation
> hearing too! So how am I going to survive this, although I am now a
> Supreme Court Justice, I think my marriage is going down the tubes and
> frankly, I don't think I will be able to walk in public again or have
> any credibility. Will they find out I am actually working for the WAAA,
> Whites Against African Americans. I mean, will they find out I am pro
> segregation and pro-slavery? Tell me oracle!
>
>               -Supreme Court Justic Clarence Thomas

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because...*as the Oracle rips off his latex mask to show that he looks
} _just_like_you_* I'm not the Oracle after
} all, I'm your evil twin Skippy!  I did this to destroy you.  I want to
} make you _suffer_.  After all, that's my
} job...see, here's my contract, signed by NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS, and
} CNN...it saved them _loads_ of money because
} they just stuck cameras in Congress and didn't have to make any new TV
} shows for the whole weekend.  Of course,
} I will now tell Jesse Jackson about your membership in WAAA, too...
}   My advice to you is to grab your ankles, relax, and pray that it
} doesn't hurt too bad...


360-04    (34247 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>       What is the most common digit in the binary expansion of Pi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 0, of course.
}
} Well, if you expand Pi in binary form, you'll come across a whole lot
} of 0's and 1's and an occasional 2. The 2's are obviously errors since
} they don't appear in binary expansions. As for the 1's, look at it this
} way: After retracing your steps to get rid of the 2, you'll compute
} several thousand more 0's and 1's before coming across another 2, or
} perhaps a 3, which indicates another error, and hours of backtracking
} and recomputing. Eventually you will tire of these errors and stop
} computing.
}
} By then you will have listed several million 1's, but omitted
} mentioning an infinite number of 0's. Thus since you've only a finite
} number of 1's, but still forsee an infinite number of 0's (this is
} known as the dark-matter theory of Pi) you will thereby conclude the
} 0's outnumber the 1's.
}
} But that's irrational, you say? Well, so's Pi.
}
} You owe the Oracle a half-empty glass of air.


360-05    (44831 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracke, I have a question on human pyschology. Why is it that
> a typo or a spelling mistale makes someone seem so stpid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it's like this:
}
} A typo implies a lack of attention on the part of the writer.  Now why
} do you have so much trouble paying attention to your thoughts?  Because
} your thoughts are boring to you.  There is nothing in them to interest
} you, therefore you cannot pay attention.  Why do you think thoughts
} that so totally disinterest you?  Because you have a lack of self
} esteem.  If you find yourself on your knees as Dan Quayle approaches, I
} rest my case.  Is this because you are ignorant, clueless, and horribly
} deformed?  No.  The reason you are constantly cleaning your lunch off
} your mirror is that you see no purpose to your existence.
}
} The only other reason you could have for making a typo is that you were
} hurried.
}
} Most people (excluding zen masters) assume the worst, which is the
} first reason.  Anyone who would make a typo for the first reason is
} obviously stupid.  QED.


360-06    (26417 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh help me Oracle, I'm going to have an orgasm right here in the
> computer rooooooom.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buried underneath a virtual mound of correspondence, the Oracle sighs
} deeply, once again caught in a moment of reverential whimsy as he
} contemplates the perverse and difficult ways of those strange human
} creatures it his patient and time-exponential duty to guide, as gently
} as possible, onto the Path That Is Wisdom, and wonders, somewhat idly
} WHY THE HELL THEY CAN'T BLOODY WELL DO WHAT THEY'RE TOLD!!
}
} Now, listen here, my good little fjordling, and listen well, because
} there is a damn fine reason why orgasms are not allowed near computer
} equipment, and I'm going to tell you what it is. This will involve a
} little cultural anthropolgy, so wipe that smile off of your face,
} because whether you realize this or not, you are for once involved in
} something far, far, bigger than yourself.
}
} By way of introduction, have you never wondered what happened to all
} the magic in the world? Your literature is flooded with tales of spells
} and incantations, demons and sorcerers, wild magic, fairies and elves.
} And yet, and yet, take your head out of that copy of "Biker" magazine
} for just a few moments and even you will notice that your world today
} is dull, drab, and dreary, run by small-minded bureaucrats with no
} sense of fun, incapable even of enjoying the simple pleasure of a game
} of MouseTrap (tm).
}
} The explanation is this: in ancient times, two essences inhabited your
} world, opposing forces held in paradoxical tension, cohabiting uneasily
} with one another in an unstable equilibrium. These essences have been
} given many names in the past: right and left, good and evil, order and
} chaos. Humankind are prone to make such value judgements, and to think
} that one of the opposing forces, usually whichever they happen to be
} labelling "good" at the time, as inherently superior to its opposite. I
} wish to avoid any such prejudices with which your childhood culture has
} doubtless inculcated you, so I shall name simply "yin" and "yang". You
} may think of "yin" as order and "yang" as chaos. Yin is structure, law,
} government. Yang is fluid, magic, freedom.
}
} In ancient times then, yin and yang, order and chaos, existed in a
} sullen truce. Those in which the spirit of yin predominated formed
} communities, made laws to abide by, appointed judges and police
} officers to enforce them, and called themselves civilized. Those for
} whom the call of yang proved irresistable, kept mostly to themselves,
} weaving their silent magic in the Earth's secret places.
}
} But it is the way of civilization that it must conquer and this is
} neither good nor bad as you understand it, merely a fact, just as it is
} a fact it is in the nature of magic to resist the encroachment of that
} order upon it. And so things stood until about 1200 years ago.
}
} At that time, in the land now named Ireland, a great manifestation of
} yin appeared, and the manifestation was named Bailey. It is related in
} The Book of Kells, that Bailey sought to destroy the essence of yang,
} for it is is in the nature of yin that it is shortsighted and does not
} understand the reliance it has upon its opposite, which is why you can
} never get XWindows to run at a reasonable speed on any machine that
} anyone could ever afford.
}
} But the voices of yang spoke to Bailey in a dream and made this fairly
} plain to him, and so his purpose was deflected so that he resolved
} eventually to merely contain yang and keep it in one place, where he
} could keep a very close eye on it indeed. And after much striving,
} tells the Book of Kells, he succeeded. And Bailey stored the captured
} essence of yang in a bottle. And the force of yang, of fluid and magic,
} was much weakened in your world, and the force of yin, of order and
} literal-mindedness was correspondingly strengthened.
}
} And two things happened.
}
} The first was that as order and structures predominated, your current,
} drab, dreary, fast-food, electronic, space-age, whizzbang, conservative
} American, ultimately doomed (take it from Me) culture developed,
} culminating in its ultimate expression, the computer, which only ever
} does what you tell it to, which is so complicated that no individual
} truly understands all its complexity, that props up the wildly
} out-of-control forces of law and order that underpin your sick,
} unbalanced society.
}
} And the other was that Bailey's Bottle disappeared.
}
} But very shortly after that, someone started making Bailey's Irish
} Cream, a smooth, wondrous drink, whose restorative powers are legend,
} whose seductive wiles are myriad, whose magic is deep and tempting.
}
} Now, these last 1200 years, the spirit of yin has been largely
} unopposed, and it has multiplied its powers exceedingly, so that now,
} the amount of order and literal-mindedness contained in a single Sun
} workstation running O/S 4.1 is equivalent to all the order that Bailey
} and the generations that preceded him could ever have imagined. And all
} this time, the makers of Bailey's Irish Cream have perfected their Art,
} shielding against the cyclone of yin their one tiny flame of yang,
} waiting for the time when balance can be restored, slowly, patiently,
} waiting.
}
} Because it is very, very important that this be done carefully. For can
} you, sitting there in your foolish mortal ignorance, even faintly
} comprehend what might happen if that much yin and yang were ever
} allowed to come into *direct unshielded contact*??? Lab Technicians
} understand this. Alcohol is expressly forbidden in all laboratories,
} just to make sure. But you, you, you will court disaster, insisting on
} having your cocktail/programming nights, won't you? Go on, tell me how
} you make an orgasm? Feel very foolish now, don't you, because the light
} has finally dawned upon you that in addition to the whipped cream, the
} dash of aniseed and the two nips of Cointreau, the main ingredient of
} an orgasm is...well, which seductive, wily, tempting drink from Ireland
} do you think I'm talking about, eh? Now, GET OUT OF THAT LAB, PRONTO!
}
} You owe the Oracle a flaming lambourghini, mixed with Sambucca, and
} affordably priced.


360-07    (14843 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:     Number 1 (also known as The Usenet Oracle)
> From:   Number 2
>
> Subject: Number 6 is still making troubles
>
> We have serious problems with Number 6.  He refuses to cooperate,
> tries to escape,  he does not give us any information, and he keeps
> running around shouting "I'm not a Number I'm a free man!".
>
> We've tried everything we had.  Nothing works on him.  What should I do
>
>      Signed
>       #2

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear No. 2 (more like #10 if you ask me . . . ),
}
} Sorry to hear about the problems with No. 6; he's always been rather
} rebellious, hasn't he?
}
} I agree that something should be done, and quickly, before he foments
} any dissatisfaction.  A pacification would be best.
}
} Ah!  A brilliant idea!  Guess that's why they pay me the big bucks,
} huh? Why don't you tie him down in front of a TV set, turn the dial to
} the public broadcasting station and do one of two things:
}
}       1) Force him to endure long hours of pledge breaks until he
}          breaks down and begs to be re-educated.
}
}       2) Force him to make sense of the plot of "The Prisoner."
}
} I urge you to use that last method only as a last resort.  Only those
} who are uniquely mentally trained, such as my magnificent Self, can
} decipher the plot of "The Prisoner" without losing substantial higher
} cognitive function.
}
} Hoping that this works at last,
} Yours Truly,
} the Usenet Oracle, a.k.a. No. 1
}
} P.S.:  If he still gives you trouble, make him watch "Let's Make a
} Deal."  Of course, he won't be much use to anyone after that, but at
} least he'll be quiet and tractable, and he should only drool
} intermittently.  Hm.  Sounds a bit like a lobotomy, doesn't it?
}
} You owe the Oracle at least two hours of Dr. Who tapes without pledge
} breaks.


360-08    (23933 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most multicellular, infinitely wise and wonderful, just generally
> all-around neato-keen Oracle, whose very
> cursor I am not fit to be blinked at by, please tell me:
>    Is there more to life than sex and chocolate?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nope.


360-09    (35732 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most omnipresent, whose twice powerful (see question) personna
> is too great to even comprehend, please tell me :-
>
> Why in recent ocularities have I seen a disturbing trend which would
> appear to signal a possible take over bid by one trying to impersonate
> your omnipotent self.  That is .....  some of the replies have contained
> ZAP (tm), whilst others have contained <ZOT> ????  Does this mean that
> there are in fact two of you ?  Or is it just Lisa having us all on (I
> should wish !!!!) ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You dare to question the Oracle's methods, puny mortal?
}
} <ZOT>
}
} ZAP
}
} Any one else have a question?


360-10    (54731 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What sort of people watch "American Gladiators" and why?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         The same kind of people as watched the Roman Gladiators,
} and for mostly the same reasons. And you think you've made
} progress in the past two thousand years.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a few missing legions.


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