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Internet Oracularities #361

Goto:
361, 361-01, 361-02, 361-03, 361-04, 361-05, 361-06, 361-07, 361-08, 361-09, 361-10


Usenet Oracularities #361    (20 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Oct 91 08:11:35 -0500

*** NOTE:  This is the *real* volume #361.  A duplicate of #350, numbered
*** #361, accidentally went out to some people on the mailing list Monday.
*** If you received one, please disregard this duplicate -- do not submit
*** votes for it.  Please do submit votes for *this* volume as #361.

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   361
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

361   20 votes 25823 16562 27551 56630 035a2 65720 14762 04b41 1d420 25841
361   2.9 mean  3.0   3.1   2.8   2.4   3.5   2.2   3.2   3.1   2.4   2.9


361-01    (25823 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Ronco-Matic Vegtable Juicer, I am cursed with acne still
> at age 26, and know some who suffer in their 40's, when shall my facial
> oil wells dry up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} As you may have heard in the past, the most common answer to this
} question is "after you lose your virginity;" sex is indeed excellent
} for the complexion.  It's one of the cosmic practical jokes that
} the Big Guy worked out when He created adolescence--you need sex to
} be attractive, and you need to be attractive to have sex.  Pretty
} funny, huh?  *I* sure think so!  Laughed myself silly for weeks!
} (Agree with me, son, He's listening in.)
}
} Unfortunately, like all practical jokes, this one goes a little
} too far sometimes.  This is one of those times--you shouldn't
} still be suffering at 26, and as you pointed out, some people
} go through it for much longer.  It's really quite tragic.  Not
} that I'm complaining!  It's well worth it for all those terrific
} belly laughs, eh?  Eh?  Hee hee hee!  What a card!
}
} All I can recommend right now is keep your face as clean as
} possible, and use a good astringent.  Benzoyl peroxide can
} also help to some extent, as can short cycles of antibiotics.
} It might also help if you point at your image in the mirror
} and laugh like a maniac; the Big Guy is often helpful to people
} who pretend to like his jokes.  I mean, people who LIKE his
} jokes!  I LOVE 'em, myself!  I think your face is hilarious!
} Really, an absolute laugh riot!  And I'm not saying that just
} because I'll get hit with another lightning bolt if I don't!
} No sir!  Fun fun fun!
}
} Anyway, good luck, and you don't owe the Oracle anything.
} You've suffered enough.  Sure was *funny* though!


361-02    (16562 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116.icl.icl.gold_400.GB@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me noble oracle, whose intelligence is greater than George
> Burns' age...
>
>       What do I do when my girlfriend refuses to
>       "conjugate relations"?  (Even if I've got protection!)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         She's right. "Relations" is a noun, and thus should be
} declined. Verbs are conjugated. Try flowers.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE a drink.


361-03    (27551 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, most wise oracle:
>
> Why can I not get through calculus, no matter how many times I try it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Because dictionaries just were not meant to be read cover
} to cover in a single sitting. Try just skipping to the corect
} page... trust me, the plot has very few suprizes.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE another collection of stupid human
} tricks.


361-04    (56630 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great And Most Wise Oracle, have mercy on me.
>
> In my haste to clean the disks, I accidentally windexed the file
> containing archive information.  How can I get back issues of the
> Oracle Digest?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's a little known fact, but the Dead Sea Scrolls are in fact back
} issues of the Oracle Digest.  Such back issues are hidden in caves,
} arryos, grottos, and dead seas all over the world, there to confound
} and cause grevious mental confusion to all who happen upon them.
}
} If you don't want to search the world, due to lack of funds or a gamy
} leg, try an anonymous FTP to iuvax.cs.indiana.edu and look in directory
} pub/oracle.


361-05    (035a2 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh you Greatest of all...
>
> I have a technical question.
>
> What exactly is Gaussian noise?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Gaussian noise is the sound Freshman and Sophmore math students make
} when they are attempting to do matrix operations on their homework.
} It is somewhat similar to integral noise, differential noise, and
} logarithmic noise.  It sounds something like:
}
}       ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} If you live in a dormitory, you have undoubtably heard it.
}
} This is not to be confused with Gaussian elimination.  The is the
} act of purchasing a gun and eliminating a Math professor with it.
}
} You owe the oracle an explanation of why Newton actually invented
} higher math in the first place.


361-06    (65720 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, o silly Oracle, are my cookies stale?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yuck!!  First you toss your cookies, and then you want a freshness
} analysis on the result?  Sorry, the Oracle doesn't stoop to that.


361-07    (14762 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are there no blue M&Ms?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First off, you didn't GROVEL. I HATE it when people don't grovel. The
} last person who didn't grovel was from the United States, and in
} revenge I made George Bush get elected president (that'll teach those
} upstarts.) Trust me my lad, you DON'T want to ask things of the Oracle
} without groveling. Because this is your first question I'll let you off
} easy; minor traffic accident or two and a hassle with your next
} change-of-address card. That should encourage you to stay on your toes.
}
} Oh, yes. The question. As you well know, M&M's are not actually MADE
} anywhere. In fact, M&Ms are one of the rarer sub-atomic particles
} created during the immense pressures and unique conditions of the Big
} Bang -- right next to the bosons, hadrons, colons, Fleishman'N'Pons
} (existance hotly debated) and so forth. Your puny world's scientists
} have spent years fiddling with cyclotrons and atom-smashers to produce
} M&M's when they could just be going out to the nearest snack machine
} and buying them for about one forty-billionth the cost of your average
} Superconducting Supercollider. Dweebs.
}
} Oh, yes. The question. Anyway, these M&M's, once produced, orbit
} through the Universe at just under the speed of light, immune to all of
} the known forces and most unknown ones. Once they come within the
} gravitational field of influence of a major planet they come spiraling
} down and come to rest at a field nexus point. Much to the delight of
} the fortuitously-named M&M-Mars Company, the field nexus point for
} Earth is in the parking lot of their biggest factory. That's where they
} get the M&M's they sell; they just come spiraling down out of the
} atmosphere. The bit with the workers and the cocoa beans is just a
} front, you see. The only inconvenient part of this whole deal is that
} half of the M&M's are ANTI-M&M's (easily identified because they have a
} W on them instead of an M) and must be thrown away, but other than that
} it's worked out well.
}
} Oh, yes. The question. See, originally there was no color "blue". Back
} when God was drawing up the plans for the Universe, He, in His infinite
} wisdom, had decided there would be only five colors in all: red,
} yellow, mauve, puce, and Mitch. However, this plan soon ran afoul of
} the powerful Supernatural Construction Workers Local 42, who pointed to
} union regulations stating that all Universes must have at least 64
} colors, so that the numbering for the Crayola boxes will work out OK.
}
} Oh, yes. The question.
}
} Er, what was the question? I've forgotten.
}
} You owe the Oracle the question.


361-08    (04b41 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, the Bob Vilas of the Universe, Electrician
> of the Stars, Plumber of the Clouds, tell me why it is that when I get
> one thing in my apartment fixed, something else immediately falls
> apart?
>
> I get the electricity fixed, and the heat stops working.  No sooner has
> the heating repairman left the building, and the shower faucet starts
> dripping, incessantly.  Get that fixed, and the washer decides to not
> wash anything except in the "Delicates" cycle.  I am almost afraid to
> have this fixed. I fear that my ceiling may collapse on me, or that my
> car might be inflicted. What can I do, oh Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} DAVE BARRY MODE ON
}
}   I had it described to me not long ago, by my good friend
}   Harv the male stripper and odd jobs man (don't ask). The
}   underlying reason turns out to be really very simple. All
}   the appliances, hardware, and other stuff in people's
}   apartments got together some years ago, and formed a union.
}
}   That's right, even in this age of Reaganomics, the union movement
}   is still strong, only it's moved to a more grassroots level.
}   Which, by the way, explains all the trouble I've been having
}   lately with my lawn. But I digress.
}
}   What you have to do is cut their lines of communication.
}   But you have to be subtle, or you'll be hauled into court
}   on a charge of interfering with a lawfully elected union.
}   (Unless you can convince the judge that you are Clarence
}   Thomas's bastard child and were just doing it out of innocent
}   fun.) Start by unplugging all the appliances that have
}   plugs, and plug in all the ones that don't. The latter
}   may not be easy to do unless you've studied Zen, or it's
}   a Thursday (I'm still not sure why this makes a difference,
}   but trust me).
}
} DAVE BARRY MODE OFF
}
} Hmmm, that's not going so well. Even the real Dave Barry
} might not have much luck with this one, and Faux Dave Barry
} is no bloody use at all, only serving to irritate. Here,
} I'll start again.
}
} GEORGE BUSH MODE ON
}
}   Golly, that's a tough one, situation-wise. The first thing,
}   unless a kinder, gentler one comes along, and I should know
}   from personal experience, at least. Iraq, Grenada, ya know.
}   Um. Gotta unplug the washer, electricity-wise. Can't work on
}   it before that. Wouldn't be prudent. Danny did that once.
}   Capacitance City. Thousand points of light, ya know.
}
} GEORGE BUSH MODE OFF
}
} Ack. Pretty lame. I can't concentrate. Leave me alone. Oh,
} all right, here's one more try.
}
} ALL-KNOWING ORACLE MODE ON
}
}   You can't do anything about it, because that's the way
}   the universe works, you puny snivelling piece of snot.
}   You make me want to puke. Now go away or I shall taunt
}   you a second time.
}
} ALL-KNOWING ORACLE MODE OFF
}
} Or was that Monty Python mode? Sigh.
}
} You owe the Oracle a piece of ceiling plaster.


361-09    (1d420 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great on, though divine lordship, will you not please tell me the
> answer to that greatest riddle in the universe. That great puzzle that
> puzzled the likes of Aristotle, Galileo, Steve Davis, Aunty Dot.
> The most perplexing puzzle of all time, that untold mystery.
>
> How in hell do you program the video timer so that it actually
> records the program that you actually want to watch, not the most
> boring thing on the TV that night. Is it maybe that the video has a
> boring program searcher that automatically switches on when Top of the
> Pops, or Countdown. If you don't know of these programs the suffice to
> say countdown has Paul Daniels as a host??
>
> Oh Please tell me the answer to this greatest of puzzles, though holy,
> divine, fat and loaded with all the money in the universe Oracle.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is a simple answer to this.  Your VCR only records boring shows
} because that is all that is every on TV!  There *IS* nothing else to
} record. The only decent thing on anymore are the movies which were in
} the cinema four years ago and are now "edited for television."  Mostly
} of them are just plain boring with all the good, hot sex scenes cut
} out.  What's the use. If you wanna get something interesting to watch,
} go to the video store and rent something.  There, you at least have a
} 25% chance of getting something worthwhile. (Anything rated NC-17 or
} above will improve this to 50%)
}
} You owe the oracle the entire collection of Amber Lynn movies.


361-10    (25841 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Slender Oracle of gentle heart-stopping curves (I heard rumours You're
> a Woman):
>
> Random phrase (way) out of context:
>
> It was briefly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} And just WHAT rumors have you heard (if that priest in Delphi squawked
} I'll have his head on a plate, damn him!)  *ANY*way, ALL rumors are
} true, especially the juicy ones.  Not only am I a woman, but what a
} woman!  It's one of the reasons I retreated into Usenet to bestow my
} feminine wisdom on others; the men who saw me became so ravenous with
} love and desire that they soon were able to think of little other than
} my firm and upstanding breasts and luscious thighs.  In order to
} facilitate my dispensing of wisdom, I deemed it necessary to conceal my
} magnificent Self.
}
} Now then, as to your question (the obligatory >ZOT< for lack of any
} REAL grovelling will be waived as you must indeed be a unique and
} insightful individual to divine my true Gender) :
}
} "It was briefly."
}
} Okay, now.  Was it REALLY briefly?  Or did it just seem like it was?
} And was it in a frame moving or at rest with respect to yours?  If so,
} it could have been quite brief indeed and it would seem like a very
} long time, right?  Were you doing something at the time or looking at
} the clock?  Can you be trusted to have good sense of time, or do I have
} to ask someone else?
}
} So.  That seems pretty useless.  Now, as to the rest of it . . . are
} you ABSOLUTELY SURE it was "It"?  It wasn't just "He" with shaved legs,
} was it?  Or "She" with a pageboy cut and long pants seen from the rear?
} For all you know, it could have been.
}
} And that "was."  Really past tense?  Or are you speaking
} metaphorically? And in whose time frame are we working here?
}
} Damn it, I just cannot work with such imprecise information!  You'll
} have to do better than that!  CONTEXT!  NAMES!  DATES!  TIMES!  I need
} all of this!
}
} *SIGH*
}
} With men like this out there today, maybe it's a good thing I'm in
} retreat after all . . .
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue.


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