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Internet Oracularities #362

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362, 362-01, 362-02, 362-03, 362-04, 362-05, 362-06, 362-07, 362-08, 362-09, 362-10


Usenet Oracularities #362    (21 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 25 Oct 91 08:43:47 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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362   21 votes 17922 05772 78231 56712 02874 03468 03666 24933 16842 17742
362   3.1 mean  2.9   3.3   2.2   2.5   3.6   3.9   3.7   3.0   3.0   3.0


362-01    (17922 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please
> tell me why, if airplane baggage has a weight limit, why can REALLY fat
> people fly for the same price as everybody else?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That is quite simple.  When really fat people fly on a major airline,
} the company will also schedule tiny people as well on the flight.
} Therefore, when someons like, say, Rosanne Barr flies on a plane, it is
} necessary to also schedule, say, the entire cast of 'The Wizard of Oz'
} also.  However, precautions must be taken.  If Rosanne were somehow to
} get a window seat, the plane would take off, but simply fiy around in
} circles, and the now out of work munchkins would be late to their
} appointments at, say, the Michel J. Fox look-a-like contest.  This must
} be avoided at all cost.
}
} The advice for the oracle to all fat people, walk. (Especially if, like
} me, you are allergic to munchkins.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a good ejection seat and a bottle of nasal spray.


362-02    (05772 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh all seeing oracle with enough IQ to melt a the polar ice
> caps... Am I a product of my environment or is my environment a product
> of me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer to your question would be the answer to many of the great
} questions of the universe, and that answer is "It Depends."
}
} Let me give you an example:
}
} Father:  "WHAT is that thing in your ear?!"
}
} Son: "It's an earring, Dad."
}
} Father:  "I KNOW that.  WHAT are you doing with an earring?!"
}
} Son:  "Dad, all the cool kids have earrings!"
}
} Father:  "Well, no son of MINE is going to wear one of the things.
}           Take it out!"
}
} Son:  "But DAAAAAD!"
}
} Father:  "If it doesn't come out of your ear, your car doesn't come out
}           of the garage."
}
} Here the environment obviously creates you.  Kids at school convince
} the son to get an earring, and if he takes it out in order to once
} again have his car, which probably ranks as a 9 on the cool scale as
} opposed to the earrings 6 or 7, he will once again be the product of
} his environment.
}
} Now let's see another example:
}
} Mother:  "How nice!  Did you pick these flowers for me?"
}
} Daughter:  "Yes Mom!"
}
} Mother:  "What a sweet girl you are!"
}
} Daughter:  "It's the least I can do for a mother like you!"
}
} This is an obvious case of someone creating their environment.  The
} daughter is blatantly planning ahead for those days in the future where
} she will bring home boys with earrings to meet her parents.  But
} performing such seeming acts of kindness will cushion the blow.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Origin of Species.


362-03    (78231 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> yo oracle most sage and balding:  Today is my 27th birthday, will I
> marry before I turn 30??  {never trust anyone over 30 :-}

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I, Oracle, will do more than simply answer your question; I shall
} examine the future directly and determine when, where, and whom you
} shall marry.
}
} I see a wedding in your future--May 17, 2056.
}
} Wearing your ceremonial g-string, you will crawl down the aisle,
} pausing every five seconds, as required, to kiss the left big toe of
} your betrothed, who will be hopping from lilly pad to lilly pad beside
} you, stopping only to catch the hot pink flies swarming around your
} head.
}
} Your hair, long and white, will be falling over your eyes and dragging
} on the ground as you pass over the mile-wide Highway of Staples and
} Lemon Juice, the traditional place of weddings and bar mitzvahs.  I see
} your hair catching in the band of your spouse-to-be's fedora and being
} ripped out of your head to the jubilant cries of your parents.
}
} Yes, you will marry--have no doubt--but you will be happy only so long
} as you avoid sneezing.
}
} Oh, and one more thing: don't forget to wear your orange underwear.  If
} you wear green, you'll be sorry.


362-04    (56712 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Don't you have something better to do with your time????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The issue of better or worse, divorced from the context of objectives
} and mortal goals, is void of meaning.  Thus it is that all super-mortal
} entities, Gods and Oracles included, might engage in activities
} seemingly meaningless to those whose ken does not extend to the divine
} but mysterious purpose.  But the purpose is served, and whose calculus
} shall determine the cost?


362-05    (02874 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mr. Oracle, I need your help! I'm in a desperate situation!
> They're after me! No, not the Mob. No not the KGB either. Even worse,
> It's the IRS!  Oh please, Mr. Oracle, what am I going to DO?!
> Aiiighhhh!!!! Here comes one now! Oh NO!! He's carrying an AUDIT
> NOTICE!!!! Help!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, you have hit upon the primary benefit of being the Oracle -- the
} tax-free status.  I simply donate all my income to myself and write it
} off in April.
}
} However, being a mere mortal you do not have that option (unless you
} happen to be named Billy Graham or Oral Roberts).  I would suggest the
} following, in this order:
}
} 1.  Take all your shoeboxes full of receipts and drop them on the
} auditor's desk.  This may invoke cardiac arrest, either in yourself,
} depending on how many shoe boxes your have, or your auditor, solving yo
} may also invoke an audit of the last seven years of your life.
}
} 2.  Declare bankruptcy, blame your accountants, hold a concert in your
} benefit and sell an album, performed by yourself, in an attempt to
} prove to the IRS and the world that you really didn't realize you
} needed to pay taxes.
}
} 3.  Flee to Bolivia.
}
} If none of the above work, you should consider declaring yourself
} legally dead.  Return all IRS correspondence with the word "DECEASED"
} written across the address, don't answer your phone, and refuse to be
} seen in public. Granted, it may cause irreparable damage to your social
} life, but being rendered poverty stricken by the IRS would have the
} same effect anyway.
}
} Also, <ringgggg>...  Excuse me a moment.
}
} Hello?
}
} Mr. Oracle, my name is Bob Jones, I'm with the Internal Revenue
} Service.
}
} Uhhhh...
}
} It has come to our attention, Mr Oracle, that you have not filed a
} return with us for the past few decades, we were wondering why.
}
} Ohhhh...
}
} We'll be sending someone to see you early next week.  Please have your
} records ready for a review at that time.
}
} Ehhhh...  Oh Hell.  <ZOT>
}
} Guess I solved that problem.  <ringggg>
}
} Hello, Mr. Oracle, my name is John Jones.  I'm with the Internal
} Revenue Service.  You can ZOT me if you like, Mr. Oracle, but there are
} thousands more where I came from. <click>
}
} Sorry about that.  Like I said, follow my suggestions.  If you need any
} more questions answered, write The Oracle, La Paz, Bolivia.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Swiss bank account.


362-06    (03468 dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> which one is the opposite sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, my child, we are confused aren't we?  I see that someone wan't
} paying very close attention in 9th grade health class.  Fret not,
} however.  The oracle himself has suffered sexual confusion in his
} younger days.  Yes, I recall a night about 453 years ago when, in a fit
} of ambrosia and Mountain Dew induced passion, I spent hours making mad
} passionate love to what turned out to be a large wooly hat, but, uh, I
} digress.  To try to make some sense of this tortuously confusing issue,
} I have made up this handy reference chart to carry in your
} wallet/purse/pocket/mouth:
}
}       If you are......          The opposite sex is......
}       a man                     a woman
}       a bull                    a cow
}       a buck                    a doe
}       a fern                    a fern
}       a nut                     a bolt
}       an alto                   a baritone (Oh wait, that's "sax")
}       a biologist               the one with which you can reproduce
}       a mathematician           -(yoursex)
}       an engineer               with 99.7% certainty, the one you aren't
}       a philosopher             what is "sex"?
}       an idiot                  what is "opposite"?
}       a programmer              opposite what?
}       a surrealist              aluminum foil
}       an artist                 like the fairest summer day
}       Andrew Dice Clay          a f*#$%@g piece of ass
}       Richard Gere              a gerbil
}       Geraldo Rivera            anything on two legs
}       Catherine the Great       anything on four legs
}       Alice Cooper              a corpse
}       a Supreme Court Nominee   something you've never discussed
}                                   in public or private
}       Boy George                all of them
}       Michael Jackson           none of them
}       "Pat"                     ????????
}
} I hope this clears up all your confusion.  You owe the oracle a
} shot of testosterone or estrogen, depending on what sex you think I am.


362-07    (03666 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I don't know what to do oracle and you're pretty smart so I thought
> maybe I could write you and ask you about what you think I should do.
>
> My mommy says that its not good for a boy like myself to play with
> computers so much.  She said that Jimmy and his Sun workstation was a
> bad influence on me and that I shouldn't play at Jimmy's anymore and
> that Jimmy was a bad influence, and that Jimmy's mom does bad things
> with the dog and if I didn't wanna be like Jimmy, his mom, or the dog,
> I should stay away from Jimmy's.  IT'S NOT FAIR!  I love my mom but
> Jimmy's MY friend and its not fair 'cause she won't buy me a
> workstation and I wanna grow up to be just like Steve Wozniak.  What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Child, at first, the Oracle was unsure that it would be wise to answer
} your question, as the Oracle's wit and wisdom is usually reserved for
} adult mortals. But then, considering my previous encounters with adult
} mortals, I would be guilty of blatant hipocrisy were I to refuse, so
} here goes:
}
} First, go to mommy and daddy's room and look for their wallets. Then
} take all the nice green pieces of paper with pictures of dead people on
} them and mail them to the Oracle, care of Steve Kinzler.
}
} Now, as for your mommy not buying you the Sun workstation, don't fret
} over it. The Oracle has several of them at his disposal. And frankly,
} the disposal is the best place for them. Ask her for the latest
} Nintendo machine instead. It has better graphics and it's more
} reliable. Also, you'd never get nasty and incomprehensible messages
} like "Recieved giant packet" or
} "Segmentation error: core dumped" from a Nintendo. And don't think that
} the Oracle hasn't spent long hours analyzing the hidden meanings and
} sexual inuendos implicit in those messages--because he hasn't.
}
} Now, a good way to teach your mommy a lesson would be to go to the
} latest Webster's Unabridged Dictionary and look up a bunch of
} four-letter words, like the kind that Jimmy probably says when his Sun
} workstation breaks down. He probably says them a lot too. Anyway, once
} you've got a good collection of these words together, start screaming
} them at the top of your lungs whenever you feel like it. Be sure to do
} this at least once during dinner, especially if there are other people
} around such as your relatives or friends of the family or your dad's
} boss. When she asks you where you heard those words, tell her you read
} them in the dictionary. If she tells you to stop reading the dictionary
} because it's a bad influence on you, it's a sign that your mommy's
} needle is stuck and you should trade her in for a new mommy as soon as
} possible.
}
} Finally, the Oracle has pondered laboriously your wish to become just
} like Steve Wozniak. My advice is to forget it. Judging by the content
} and level of literary complexity of your question, becoming like Steve
} Wozniak would only be a step down for you.
}
} You owe the Oracle an 8" by 10" glossy photo of Jimmy's mom doing
} bad things with the dog.


362-08    (24933 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I recently bought two new pair of expensive jogging shoes.
> However, they are so new, that their bright white appearance
> is embarrassing.  Some people are even suggesting that I look
> like I'm wearing white nurse's shoes!  What can I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ruffle riffle..
}
} Questions questions, always more questions to grade..  Hmmmm.  Where's
} my yellow marker, anyway?  Can never find the damn thing.. I think the
} students must hide it..  Aha.. Here we go.. Lesse..  Here's a real
} prize winner..  I swear, they're getting stupider every year.
} Sometimes I wonder why I even bother..  Selling drugs will be the best
} career choice for most of them..  Lazy little bastards..  Mumble..
}
} Hmmm.  No groveling.
} -10 points.
}
} Hmm. Mmmmm.. Didn't even say "Dear Oracle"..
} -5 points.
}
} Absolutely no groveling anywhere at all!  Ye Gods!
} Another -5 points.
}
} New shoes?  Already?  What was wrong with the old pair?
} Don't people repair things anymore?  What did they do
} with the old pair, I wonder?  Probably just threw them
} away!  Didn't give them to someone else who really needed them,
} they just WASTEFULLY THREW THEM IN THE TRASH WHERE THEY'LL
} ADD TO OUR ALREADY INTOLERABLE BURDEN OF NON-BIODEGRADABLE
} WASTE!
} -5 points for poor economy and excessive environmental impact.
}
} Expensive shoes?  Don't they know there's a recession on?
} -10 points for poor consumer awareness..
}
} *TWO PAIRS*!?!  What for do they need TWO pairs for?  Goddamn yuppie
} values gone berserk, I swear..
} -20 points for being a selfish jerk.
}
} White shoes?  This isn't Los Angeles.
} -10 points.
}
} Hmm. Bright white, eh?
} -5 points for endangering passing aircraft.
}
} Confused for a nurse?
} -10 points for promoting professional stereotypes.
}
} Hmmm.  That's -80 points on this one alone!  A new record of
} sorts.. Sigh..  Another 8 year bachelors degree, by the looks of it.
} Sometimes I wonder whether they learn *anything* in high school.
}
} I hate this job.
}
} You owe the Oracle a vacation in the bahamas and a Politically Correct
} curriculum for next year.


362-09    (16842 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle smart, Oracle wise,
> Oracle, there above the skies,
> or... in the Computer Caves down Below?
> (Which one it is I'll never know)
> Oracle large, Oracle proud
> (Oracle talkative, pushy and loud)
> Oracle, please just answer me this:
>
> What is the source of eternal bliss?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         ALL of the THINGS which this DECadent MODern socIety
} refers to as ETernal bliss are only transient EVILS that
} distract ones FOCUS on the TRUE GOD; distractions like DRUGS, and
} SEX, and PROStitutes, and MONEY, and SEX, and comPUters! The only
} WAY that TRUE bliss can be ACHIEVED is by dedicated FOCUS....
}         <<<<<<<<<<BHWHAM!!!!!>>>>>>>>>>
}
}         Excuse me, the reverend was just stopping by for a brief
} visit; he's one of the new neighbors, and wanted to get better
} acquainted. I chose this opportunity to better acquaint him with a
} four by four. The answer to your question is "chocolate," and I
} appologize for any inconvenience.
}
}         You owe the ORACLE an autographed copy of Robert
} Heinlein's "The Sound of His Wings."


362-10    (17742 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle most wise, omniscient one who knows all, please answer
> me this:
>
> Which came first, the chicken or the egg ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think I did the chicken first, on the fifth day. Then the egg. Then
} the herbed Brie and sun-dried tomato omelet.
}
} On the seventh day, I did a total backup and GC. And had a good
} breakfast, at the Garden of Eden. Typical yuppie hangout - lots of
} ferns, and you'd have to sell your soul to afford one lousy apple
} torte.
}
} You owe the Oracle a BMW and the Creation Science version of the
} SPARC-2 assembly language manual.


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