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Internet Oracularities #363

Goto:
363, 363-01, 363-02, 363-03, 363-04, 363-05, 363-06, 363-07, 363-08, 363-09, 363-10


Usenet Oracularities #363    (16 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 27 Oct 91 00:50:20 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   363
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

363   16 votes 35251 06442 45421 10564 15523 40570 06730 02563 21337 26422
363   3.1 mean  2.8   3.1   2.4   3.8   3.1   2.9   2.8   3.6   3.8   2.8


363-01    (35251 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty Oracular type person, dude of Useneticity, I ask of
> thee a question of great importance.  A question whose answer has been
> sought out since the Great Long Distance Break-up.
>
> Answer me this, most radical of information service type people:
>
> Does God have a phone number?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, good seeker, god does have a phone number.  In fact, he has his
} own area code, and every phone number in that area code is his.  This
} area code is 408.  Unfortunately, it is hard to reach god on any of
} these lines, because conventional telephones have no slash in the
} O's...
}
} This reminds me very much of a question I was asked recently:
}
} "Oracle, how come god preforms no miracles of biblical proportions
} these days?"
}
} The answer to both lies in this little gem of wisdom:
}
}       You could reach goals beyond your own comprehension,
}       if you didn't spend all day on the internet.


363-02    (06442 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do babies come out of mothers and not fathers?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} INSOLENT MORTAL!  You must grovel and humble yourself when you ask a
} question of the all knowing, all seeing, all mighty Oracle.  You are
} lucky I am in a good mood, as I will answer your question and curse you
} with only a mild case of hemmoroids for your insolant behavior.
}
} As for your question,  can you imagine a baby trying to crawl through
} the hole of the male genitalia?  But perhaps, just perhaps, you're
} question was meant to be taken in a broader sense, asking about the
} origins or the process. I shall give you the benefit of the doubt, and
} shall reveal this knowledge to you:
}
}  % Flashback -bce on
}
}  Adam and Eve had just gotten the boot from the garden of Eden and God
}  was faced with a monumental problem.  He had not yet selected the way
}  in which human's would reproduce.  He had tried various different
}  methods with the other animals about, but didn't think anything quite
}  fit.  Still feeling angry at Adam, Eve, and the snake for their part
}  in 'the tree incident', He considered forcing both of them to pass
}  eggs through their rectum.  He decided, in his infinite mercy, that
}  this was too harsh, and evetually decided to place most of the
}  responsibity on Eve, still blaming her for disobeying his command.  He
}  gave the snake the eggs, and instead gave Eve, and thus all decendants
}  of mankind <
}  % ^z
}  That's mankind as in all humans, the Oracle holds no prejudice, he
}  sees all people as equally insignificant
}  % fg
}  > the responsibility of raising a live human being for an entire year
}  inside of her body before it was born.
}     Eve, of course, was outraged, and received no sympathy from Adam
}  who looked very sorry in her presense but she just KNEW he was laughing
}  behind her back.  She had a heated argument with God which earned her
}  a monthly period and PMS.  She did manage to convince God that a year
}  was too harsh from the child's point of view, and got Him to lower the
}  time to 9 months.
}
}  % end of flashback
}
} You owe the Oracle a Condom.


363-03    (45421 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me which of the four directions is right for the place
> that I sit in? I feel like I sit in the North, where buffalo is, but
> I'm not sure....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle will determine which direction is right by a process
} of elimination.
}
} The Oracle points his mighty finger to the north:
}
} <ZZZATZ!>
}
} <rumble rumble rumble moooooo rumble>
}
} There are buffalo in that direction, as you said, but they are
} now stampeding east.
}
} The Oracle points his mighty finger to the west:
}
} <ZZZIZT!>
}
} <BOOM bubble>
}
} The Pacific Ocean is that way.
}
} The Oracle points his mighty finger to the south:
}
} <ZZZANG!>
}
} <poof>
}
} That takes care of that pesky David Duke.
}
} The Oracle points his mighty finger to the east:
}
} <ZZZWOMF!>
}
} <AIIIEEEGH!  burble thud sizzle>
}
} You are in the east.
}
} <rumble rumble moooooo rumble rumble>
}
} Ooops, forgot about the buffalo.  Hope they can find your
} remains.
}
} You owe the Oracle a hand-drawn map of the world showing all
} objects larger than 1 meter, with a small sign saying "I am here"
} at your current location.


363-04    (10564 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What should I do for halloween?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The activities of a person on halloween are particularly based on age.
} Select the proper activity from the list below.
}
} unborn:       Take a ride with mom (in the clown suit), and the
}               other kids in the neighborhood.  Get an early start on
}               hardening arteries by having mom eat 1/2 the candy before
}               she gets home.
}
} age  0 -  3:  Drool on your costume while not in the presence of
}               adults. Scream and cry/hide upon meeting strangers.  Gnaw
}               on candy in the wrapper.
}
} age  4 - 10:  Trick-or-treat in a costume of popular cartoon character
}               obtained from K-mart.  Get candy stuck in hair and
}               costume.
}
} age 11 - 13:  Attempt to manufacture your own costume from your own
}               ideas. End up wearing costume form age 10.  Loose 1/2
}               your candy when the bottom falls out of your bag in the
}               rain.
}
} age 14 - 18:  Realize that these are final years that you can
}               "realisitcally" still get free candy on halloween.  Party
}               with friends and experiment with candy flavor liqueurs.
}
} age 19 - 25:  Your supposed to be studying in college now.  What do you
}               mean halloween?  Visit fraternity/sorority halloween
}               party and demonstrate prowess with candy flavor liqueurs.
}
} age 26 - 30:  Get first house with new spouse, and attempt to entertain
}               kids on halloween.  Buy econo-size candy and local
}               warehouse food distribution center, and eat all that's
}               left over.
}
} age 31 - 35:  Yell at your *O#$**(&%$ spouse to get the door and take
}               care of those screaming kids.  Munch on "heart smart"
}               seasame seed candy.
}
} age 36 - 40:  Take *O$**(&%$ kids out to get candy in the neigborhood.
}               Dress in costume if necessary.  Return home and fight
}               with spouse who ate all the "extra" candy and didn't
}               leave you any.
}
} age 41 - 45:  Try to figure out what all the other divorced people do
}               on halloween.  Begin quietly eating the kid's halloween
}               candy as they return home.
}
} age 46+:      Die from eating all that halloween candy ASAP.  This
}               makes the life insurance companies happy.  Bonus points
}               are scored for death before age 65.
}
} Dead:         Audition for screen appearance in the filming of
}               Friday the 13th part XC.
} ----
}
} You owe the oracle all of your saltwater taffy.


363-05    (15523 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and magnificient Oracle please clear up this great mystery for
> me.
>
> My girlfriend's name is Brenda.  Now, I know that David means beloved,
> and my last girlfriend's name was Barbara which means strange and
> unusual, but pray tell me, what does Brenda mean????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, this is indeed a great mystery, nonetheless I, the wise and
} magnificent Oracle, shall attempt to explain it to you.
}
} Your answer lies in the ancient and mystical art of numbers! A
} philosophy eveloped by an ancient race of mathematicians who were later
} wiped out by barbarion hordes, numbers can provide the answer to all of
} life's problems.
}
} In your case David, your name has 5 letters and Barbara has 7 letters.
} "Beloved" has 7 letters, as does "strange" and "unusual". "Strange and
} unusual" has 17 letters. The sum of the values of your relationship
} with Barbara ( "David and Barbara" = "beloved and strange and unusual"
} ) is 15 = 27. If you examine these results closely you will see a
} pattern of 7's. Since 7 is a lucky number indicating luck in love this
} obviously means the disharmony of your name ruined your relationship
} with Barbara ( It would have been successful if your name had been
} Stephen - 7 letters, 17 = 27, note the sevens).
}
} Benda has 7 letters as well, which bodes well for your relationship
} with her. David and Brenda = beloved and ?, or 5+3+6 = 7+3+?, which
} means 14 = 10+?. So, her name definately means a four letter word -
} "carp". Since the lucky number 7 is still present (14/2=7), and the
} Equation balances (14=14), I predict great things in your relationship
} with Brenda.
}
} You owe the Oracle the derivative of David with respect to Brenda, carp
} <=0 and beloved(Brenda)=42.


363-06    (40570 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sob !

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       What?  You *dare* call the Oracle a son of a bitch??
} Here I am, working my tail off for measly peons such as yourself,
} giving up my free time, my work time, and even my time with Lisa
} to answer every single question you come up with, and I still get
} this blatant attack to my persona?  After...*wipe tear*...all I
} have done for you, you just...send me...hate...*sniff*..mail
} all day long like I weren't...*blow nose*...a real person.  Sob!
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Kleenex.


363-07    (06730 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Was that professor at indiana.edu serious about dinosaurs passing so
> much gas that they caused global warming, and then died?
>
> Or is this one of your better tricks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is in fact true.  The professor you speak of is actually the
} nationally acclaimed Dr. Dave Barry, endowed stool of journalism at
} Dade County Correctional Instruction.  As noted in several of his
} scholarly articles, unauthorized emissions from the tailpipes of
} various large farm animals are responsible for the current woes being
} cleverly passed off as the fault of the Republican administration.
}
} Additional research funded by the Taco Bell Research Institute has
} discovered that dinosaurs are in fact responsible for the oil and gas
} deposits located around the country, but that the causal mechanism was
} poorly understood.  In fact, what we now call "West Texas
} Intermediate" is really the remnants of a "Big Dino Burrito" special
} from the wade-through window of the Mesozoic Mall.  We leave you to
} draw your own conclusions about the material now being marketed as
} "Natural" gas...
}
} And now that the Oracle has enlightened you, he advises that you
} approach from _down_ wind the next time!


363-08    (02563 dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O host with the most, please tell me the following:
>
> Why do bees fly when scientists say that their bodies aren't suitable
> for flight?
>
> I wait for your answer...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Kinda shows how much your scientists know, doesn't it?
}
} Flying has little to do with the shape, size, or weight of one's body.
} Notice that bees, eagles, squirrels, and 747s all fly, even though
} their shape, size, and weight all vary greatly.
}
} As has been pointed out before, flying is the knack of throwing
} yourself at the ground, and missing. This requires a highly distracted
} state of mind, and invokes the Law of Selective Gravitation. This has
} been illustrated many times in educational films such as old Road
} Runner cartoons.
}
} Bees can fly because their minds are so small that it doesn't take much
} to distract them. The prospect of a pollen-filled blossom is enough to
} make them forget to fall.
}
} Eagles (and birds in general) can fly because they're so intent on
} finding dinner in the bushes below, or on getting away from that larger
} bird that's chasing them (for ITS dinner), that they forget about
} gravity.
}
} Squirrels can fly because (paradoxically) they don't do it very well.
} For them, the sheer risk of trying to make that flying leap to the next
} branch is enough to distract them from hitting the ground.
}
} 747s can fly because the people on board get so distracted by the
} amount of money the thing costs, that hitting the ground is just
} completely forgotten. It's so important that the pilots maintain this
} distracted state that they are surrounded by gobs of distracting
} things, like navigation instruments, engine RPMs, and Air Traffic
} Control. Occasionally, a group of passengers start to wonder why they
} don't hit that big earth below, and all the distractions in the world
} won't keep the thing up, and a crash results.
}
} You owe the Oracle one Bernoulli.


363-09    (21337 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most humble Oracle, I must have the answer to the following question,
> else I shall die.
>
> If roses are red, and violets are blue, what color are mirrors?
>
> I anxiously wait your reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                  Investigation into the color of mirrors.
}                  ----------------------------------------
}
} Abstract: In response to an anonymous inquiry, the notion of the
} color of mirrors is contrasted with the notion of color in two
} different types of flora. Both anecdotal evidence and empirical
} research are employed and the possibility of several solutions,
} dependent on initial boundary conditions, is proposed.
}
} Introduction: The concept of color has long been an important
} one in the classification of objects. "I feel blue" laments
} the typical country and western singer, indicating an empathy
} with the flower of the violet. Such color classification is
} often used to introduce apparently unrelated topics also. For
} instance, in the traditional rhyme:
}
}                       Roses are red
}                       Violets are blue (*)
}                       Bush might seem stupid
}                       But Quayle's number two.
}
} (*) Why violets are not referred to as being violet remains a
} topic for further research. See also Goldberg (1987), The Colour
} Purple.
}
} Method: Anecdotal evidence was collected by asking friends for
} their opinions as to the color of mirrors. One group, a control
} group, was simply asked for the color, whilst another was told
} what colors violets and roses are before the question was asked.
}
}         Empirical research was performed by looking first at
} violets, then at roses, then at a mirror.
}
} Results: There was one respondent in each of the two categories
} mentioned earlier. Results are given in table 1.
}
}             Table 1 - Anecdotal evidence as to mirror coloration.
}         Group              Reply
}         -----              -----
}        Control             How the hell would I know?
}        Prompted            Black, as near as I can tell.
}
}          It is worth noting that respondents in both groups live
} in the same house, where the power has just been cut off. We may,
} however, safely assume that this does not bias the study.
}
}          In empirical enquiries, after looking at roses and violets,
} and then looking at a mirror, all that was observed was a brilliant
} white glow. See Bacchus (1543 BC), Why the Oracle Keeps Evaporating
} My Beer.
}
} Conclusion: Mirrors are white for me, and black for everyone else.


363-10    (26422 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr Oracle --
>
> Is it true that, in the world of the future,
> there will be vast cities made entirely of Q-tips?
> ( I hope so, because I like Qtips. )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What kind of groveling is that?  And that's MS Oracle to you!  You owe
} the Oracle three boxes of
}
}       [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Answer the bloody question!]
}
} ear wax dissolver.
}
} Yes, of course.  Actually, vast cities are already made of metaphorical
} Q-tips.  You see, the architectural field has long been dominated by
} men with a distinct case of penis envy.  In ancient Egypt, they built
} pyramids, because, of course, it was length and width that counted the
} most.  This paroxysm of metaphorical erection sated architects for the
} most part until the late Middle Ages, when among the Christian clergy,
} a new wave of penis envy struck, causing the plannign and erection of
} taller and more elaborate cathedrals, with higher, taller, and kinkier
} spires and flying buttresses. The clergy really liked to dress up and
} do it that way.  The modern era ended yet another respite, starting
} with the erection of the Eiffel tower (since French architects liked
} sparseness), and accelerated with the Chrysler building (tall, sleek,
} and in the car), and reached its climax with the Empire State Building
} (since power is an aphrodisiac).
}
} Since Q-Tips, like all these tall buildings, are redolent of the male,
} whether or not cities actually are built out of Q-Tips, they might as
} well have been made thereof, for quite some time now.  No wonder you
} like Q-Tips so much.
}
}       [Message from gaia@mother.earth.org: Much better.  Now make your
}       bed!]
}
} You owe the Oracle an Erector set.


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