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23 Nov 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 10:53:21 GMT

Internet Oracularities #364

Goto:
364, 364-01, 364-02, 364-03, 364-04, 364-05, 364-06, 364-07, 364-08, 364-09, 364-10


Usenet Oracularities #364    (21 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 29 Oct 91 09:41:17 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

364   21 votes 25833 16a22 19740 42492 17535 28641 28542 24735 17832 04773
364   3.0 mean  3.0   2.9   2.7   3.1   3.2   2.7   2.8   3.2   2.9   3.4


364-01    (25833 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Most wise and gracious Oracle, who has never felt the indignity of
> having walked up two flights of stairs to the tea-room, only to find
> that some SOB has used the remainder of the milk, and failed to replace
> it.
>     Pray tell me why it is that coffee-drinking dweebs, pumped up with
> the expectation of getting their bi-hourly fix of caffeine, are
> physically inapable of spooning a single spoonful of sugar into their
> disgustingly filthy cups, without distributing half of the contents of
> the coffee container throughout the sugar container, thus managing to
> slightly upset us nice, otherwise placid, otherwise genteel tea
> drinkers.
>
>                          Yours most sincerely,
>                            Michael D.  Cole.  ( Esq.  )

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pity them -- they are addicts, they know not what they do. Picture
} yourself in their shoes...
}
} ...your head is starting to throb you need a fix your mind is racing
} when was the last cup of coffee who knows you're worried are you
} drinking too much coffee how could you tell if you were drinking
} too much coffee how can anyone tell what are the symptoms who cares
} you just need a cup and you need it now quick upstairs with your
} cup are you going to wash it no there's no time for that but it's
} really filthy too late you've put the coffee in you're pouring the
} water you should wipe the spoon before using the sugar but you
} don't you need the coffee right now and there's just no time add
} the milk some SOB's used it up and not replaced it but it was probably
} you 30 minutes ago so you keep quiet and just drink it black and
} you're starting to feel better already yes that's it that's what
} you needed...
}
} ...not that the Oracle has ever experienced this at all it's just that
} the Oracle is all knowing and like that means I know everything whether
} I've actually experienced it or not you owe the Oracle an express
} elevator up to the tea room...


364-02    (16a22 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does Bob like doritos so much?  Who is Bob?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear, oh dear.  Every second person asks the oracle about that one.
} Why? Who cares?  DOES IT REALLY MATTER?  Of course it doesn't,
} especially when one knows the answer (which, if you are really good and
} read all this message, I will tell you later).
}
} Try in future to ask questions that really matter, questions like:
}
}       *       Hey Oracle, where can I get the best pizzas
}
}       *       Letters starting with:
}
}               "Dear Oracle,
}                       I  always  thought the letters to you were just
}               made up, but now I'm not so sure.  I was just sitting in
}               the nude on my window-sill, playing with myself, when who
}               should walk into my life but...."
}
}       *       Dear Oracle,    If one and one are two, and JohnH needs a
}               haircut, what's the answer to question 4 on my term
}               paper?
}
}       *       Oracle - If you were travelling at the speed of sound,
}               and you switched the radio on, would you still hate the
}               Beatles White Album?
}
}       *       Is Elvis alive, and if so, was he that fat guy eating
}               tacos with straight chilli sauce
}
}       *       Why  do  I have to come in and do full-backups on
}               Saturday mornings when I should be at home?
}
}       *       Did I really do what they said I did after I chugged
}               those 47 bottles of cider last Saturday night?  Can you
}               catch anthing off Municipal buildings?
}
}       *       I'm thinking of becoming a nun, should I try and kick the
}               ... habit  (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA)
}
}       *       Does looking at your private parts in the mirror give you
}               cancer?  If so, where?  What would happen if I looked at
}               someone else's private parts in a mirror?  Would they get
}               it, or would I?  Could I maybe go into business as a
}               "long term" contract killer by doing this?
}
}       *       It says I'm supposed to mount tape 7.  If I don't mount
}               it, will the world stop spinning?  If it does, will
}               people try to get off?  If they do, and they succeed, can
}               I have their cars?
}
}       *       Just what is a good penis size, and how can I prove it?
}
}       *       There are two pucks, A and B, travelling along a
}               frictionless surface at a velocity of 10 m/2.  They are
}               travelling in opposite directions, and will collide in 25
}               seconds.  When they collide, will someone please tell me
}               why we call air tables frictionless surfaces, and WHY
}               CAN'T WE PLAY SHUFFLPUCK on them when no-one's using
}               them?
}
}       *       Why not?
}
}       *       Is salami really bad for you?
}
}       *       I have to tell the machine that tape 7 is ready.  Why
}               doesn't the tape know that tape 7 is on?
}
} There.  The answer to your question is:
}       (a)     Because.
}       (b)     He's the guy who killed Laura Palmers Father.


364-03    (19740 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me oh inebrious Oracular entity,
>  Why can't one purchase fermented corn in the south on sunday.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very simple question to answer.  The reason you cannot buy
} fermented corn on Sunday is because Sunday is fermented GRAPE day.
} Fermented CORN day is Monday through Thursday.  Friday and Saturday
} are fermented BARLEY days.
}
} This holds true for the southern regions.  In the northern regions,
} fermented corn day lasts only until Wednesday and Thursday is fermented
} AVACADO day.  Just some little quirk about northerners that nobody's
} really ever been able to figure out.


364-04    (42492 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please, mighty Oracle, in your great wisdom enlighten me...
>
> How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could Chuck
> Norris?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, seeing as the woodchuck's wood-chucking ability
} would be heightened by the ability to chuck wood as Chuck Norris
} would be able to chuck wood, one would think that the wood would be
} more apt to be chucked by someone of such chucking stature.
} However, we know not if Chuck's woodchucking would be better than
} a woodchuck, and therefore we cannot conclude whether or not the
} new woodchuck's wood to be chucked would be chucked better than
} the average non-Chuck woodchuck who would chuck wood.  So, the
} answer is:
}
} If a woodchuck could Chuck Norris, it would kick butt, but probably
} not chuck any more wood than would a non-Chuck woodchuck.
}
} You owe the Oracle some wood to chuck.


364-05    (17535 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, please answer my question,
>
> Everybody here is addicted to Tetris.  Nobody does anything useful,
> since they play Tetris all day.  Is Tetris a part of a Communist plot
> to stop the concur the west ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} That's "CONQUER," you...you...damn.  Just a second, my thesaurus
} server is offline and I need some really archaic insult.  Ah, it's
} back up.  Let's see:  "FOOL: idiot, dunce, buffoon".  No, not quite.
} "IDIOT: mental defective, imbecile, moron."  Hmmm.  "MORON: cretin,
} idiot, imbecile."  Perfect.  Let's try again.
}
} That should be "CONQUER," you cretin!  What's more, that second comma
} should be a period, "West" should be capitalized, and that last
} sentence doesn't make any sense at all!  Do you have any idea how much
} extra effort I have to put in to try to parse garbage like that?  I
} can't use my standard context-free parser, and even my normal natural
} language processor barfs on it.  I have to pull out my "Dunce and
} buffoon" parser.  If you think NP-complete algorithms are hard, you
} should see the complexity of this one!  You people have no idea how
} much trouble you cause when you fail to proofread.  No wonder you
} geeks can't get anything better than a C minus in any class where
} you're required to actually write ENGLISH.  Sure, you may be able to
} handle C, Fortran, Pascal, Snobol, Cobol, 8088, JCL, Ada, Eiffel,
} Algol, and APL, but if you try to put together a few paragraphs in a
} letter to your mother, you choke!  You don't believe me?  When was the
} last time you wrote to your mother, then?
}
} And what are you doing getting addicted to some stupid video game,
} anyway?  My god, it's just little blocks falling down into a big
} rectangle.  It's not even violent!  Neither does it involve much
} mental effort; it's mostly memorization of patterns coupled with quick
} reflexes.  Daytime television is more intellectually taxing than this!
} You could at least be addicted to some real electronic game, like "Zork
} Zero" (involves mental effort), or "Street Fighter II" (violent).
} Besides, doesn't that lousy music bore you?
}
} Now tell, me then:  why do all of you have this game?  Did every
} person there actually BUY the game?  Or, did you ILLEGALLY COPY IT all
} over the place, you PIRATE?!  You know, programmers have to make a
} living, too.  Some of them produce this game that, for some reason,
} you love so much, and what do you do?  You spit in their face, and
} don't pay them for their work, that's what.  How would you like it if
} your boss told you he didn't feel like giving out paychecks this week?
} You wouldn't, that's how!
}
} So you expect me to answer a question from a functional illiterate
} imbecilic criminal software pirate who doesn't proofread, is addicted
} to a stupid game which he plays instead of working, gives serious
} thought to conspiracy theories, and doesn't write to his mother?  Well,
} you know what I say to that?
}
} "OK."
}
} The answer to your question is a very common one:
}
} No.  They did it because they needed the money.


364-06    (28641 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do you ever heard about Le Pen, this fascist pig ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, The Oracle has heard about Le Pen. And well do we know what a
} fascist this Le Pen is. All France is disgraced by the presence of Le
} Pen. Le Pen is surely the root from which poison about France has been
} spreading to her trusted friends and military allies.
}
} What started as simple, good for business international competition in
} the disposable plastic writing utensil industry has at last turned into
} cutthroat, murderous politics and diplomacy gone to hell, but not yet
} come back.
}
} Where before the 1920's the American tastes in pens was primarily
} determined by utility, blindly placing function before form, after the
} "French Invasion" of mass produced yet intriguingly unique and
} physically attractive pens there was a "French Revolution" in the
} public's view of their writing sticks. Now, they saw that a pen can be
} a statement of one's personality, and in this light they flocked to
} embrace the individuality of the French Fashion Penmakers, the premier
} of whom incorporated under the _nom_du_plume "Le Pen."
}
} The American manufacturers suffered from devasting losses of market
} share. An advertising campaign was started to attempt to bring back the
} consumers to American pens. The marketing strategy began first to
} portray the American pen companies as the helpless hometown heros
} defending against ruthless, unscrupulous foreign invaders. About this
} time, Mussolini was beginning to rise in power, giving an opportunity
} for the pen manufacturers to promote the idea that Europeans,
} especially the French, were by and large fascist. And, of course, no
} one wanted to support a fascist regime like the French! And what more
} insidious path for fascist sympathizers to promote their cause, than to
} seduce Americans with promises of new, good things, designed with
} fashion in mind, for what is fashion than merely the masses following
} mindlessly the dictates of the few? And what more devious method to
} introduce their fashion fascism than through the ordinary writing pen?
} A utensil that should, by *the natural order* should serve a function
} rather than slave to the concept of "form" of an elite,
} incomprehensible few?
}
} The American people, as they have done ever since, took the words of
} the advertisers at their face value, and deeply believed that the
} French were attempting to impose their twisted will upon the rest of
} the world through the introduction of their brands of ball point pens.
} To this very day, we decry the very existence of the French pens, with
} the worst bile saved for the worst of them all, the fascist Le Pen.
}
} You owe the Oracle a text on the French Industrial Revolution
}   written by Ralph Nader.


364-07    (28542 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Your last answer, oh greatest imagineable Oracle, was really great.
> What can I do for you, misty Master of the Metrum?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Well, that depends on how far you are willing to go.
} I know that being a mere mortal with feelings of pain and
} humiliation make limits on the amount of "what can I do for you?"
} Let's take various stages of servitude and see which ones are
} right for my needs, as well as your level of open-mindedness:
}
} 1) Spread the word of the Oracle throughout the land.
}
}    This one has pretty much been beaten into the ground already,
} and the only people who would oppose you are Muslims who might
} think you were trying to sway others from Allah.  However, it
} is simply too easy for you to do, and is done by most others
} who have felt my power.
}
} 2) Get a tattoo of my face on your butt.
}
}    This one I like, except for a few things.  One, no one would
} ever see it unless you were involved with something really hot
} and heavy, and then it's unlikely anyone would stop what they
} are doing to actually admire the tattoo.  Also, tattoos don't
} give that much pain to endure.  I should know, because I have
} one of Lisa's face on my inner thigh.  Oh, yes, the last reason
} is that I don't have a face.
}
} 3) Swear yourself to chastity in my name.
}
}    Never mind.
}
} 4) Cut "The Usenet Oracle is the greatest thing that
}         has ever happened to me" into your forehand
}       with a really big knife.
}
}    My personal favorite.  To lessen the obvious amount of pain, you
} could drink enormous amounts of alcohol before inflicting the cuts.
} Of course, your blood would be much thiner than usual, causing
} it to run down your face and drip onto your chest, and it would be
} very hard to get it to clot well, but at least you would feel
} less initial pain.  In fact, you's better forget the alcohol part,
} but I still like the idea.  Nice and painful.
}
}       So, it is decided.  Carve the above phrase into your
} forehead with a butcher knife, without the help of alcohol to
} lessen the pain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a recording of the screaming.


364-08    (24735 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O mighty oracle, tell me this:
>
>          Do human beings have souls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} %ftp earth.creator.com
} Connected to earth.creator.com.
} 220 earth FTP server (Version 3634.682c) ready.
} Name (earth.creator.com:big_guy):
} Password (earth.creator.com:big_guy):
} 230-Welcome to the Mother of all Creation FTP server.
} 230-A current listing of all species is located in the root directory
} 230-called 00Species.txt.Z
} 230-Please read the 00Readme.NOW file, last updated 2 days ago.
} ftp> cd /species/land/mammal/tiger/bengal
} 250 CWD command successful.
} ftp> binary
} 200 Type set to I.
} ftp> put soul.tar.Z
} 200 Port command successful.
} 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z.
} 226 Transfer complete.
} local: soul.tar.Z remote soul.tar.Z
} 284721 bytes sent in 54 seconds (5.1 Kbytes/s)
} ftp> cd /species/water/mammal/whale/blue
} 250 CWD command successful.
} ftp> put soul.tar.Z
} 200 Port command successful.
} 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z.
} 226 Transfer complete.
} local: soul.tar.Z remote soul.tar.Z
} 284721 bytes sent in 58 seconds (4.8 Kbytes/s)
} ftp> cd /species/land/mammal/human
} 250 CWD command successful.
} ftp> put soul.tar.Z
} 200 Port command successful.
} 150 Opening BINARY mode data connection for soul.tar.Z.
} Data connection refused.  Aborting.
} ftp> quit
} 221 Goodbye.
} %


364-09    (17832 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mighty Oracle, tell me what did Jim Morrison though of
> when he wrote:
>     When the still sea conspires an armour
>     And her sullen and aborted
>     Currents breed tiny monsters,
>     True sailing is dead.
>     Awkward instant
>     And the first animal is jettisoned,
>     Legs furiously pumping
>     their stiff green gallop,
>     And heads bob up
>     Poise
>     Delicate
>     Pause
>     Consent
>     In mute nostrill agony
>     Carefully refined
>     And sealed over.
>
> What is he talking about ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Very astute question, very good, indeed:
} This only affirms my notion that you would be that person,
} the only one from this Age that would be enlightened as to
} the ways of God and Man.  Now I am no longer dissatisfied
} with this Age and will not destroy it with fire, nor water,
} nor twinkie inundation.
} You must know now that Jim was my personal avatar.  He was,
} if you wish to know, my three thousand and fifty first incarnation-
} and oh, what an incarnation, Summer nights and Venice Beach and
} oh, it almost makes me forget about when I was Siddhartha Gautama
} at Benares and when I was Charles Lutwidge Dodgeson, but not
} completely, there is, as you noted, a message here: and one
} which you should learn if you are to be this Age's prophet.
} So, here goes:
}
}     When the still sea conspires in Armour
}  (when a ship- on a near frozen sea near Alaska dumps waste)
}     and her sullen and aborted
}  (this sea is near a nation where abortion is a sullen issue)
}     currents breed tiny monsters,
}  (    Republicans         )
}     True Sailing is Dead.
}  ( Listen also to the Grateful Dead, from their mouths too
}      issue forth brilliant stars of nirvana)
}     Awkward Instant
}  (remember your first kiss, well this is where the world is
}     kissing death for the first time)
}     And the first animal is jettisoned,
}  ( the mule of the Democratic party will be replaced
}     with the image of a Tomato under your divine guidance)
}     Legs furiously pumping
}  ( an image of the texas oil wells and dancing girls,
}      Texas is the home of the first church you will found)
}     their stiff green gallop
}  ( Columbus filled his groin with green death or some other nonesuch)
}     and heads bob up,
}  ( Vanilla Ice will be decapitated by a partisan of your religion
}      and too, Madonna, in order to purge bad taste from
}      the world)
}   Poise, Delicate, Pause, Consent
}   (the sexual VCR you will manufacture to make the world a
}      better place, Poise will position the users, Delicate
}      will start action, Pause is for phone calls and dern
}      those mid-sex munchies when you just HAVE to get up an
}      get some grapes or a handful of popcorn, Consent is
}      when you don't feel the position is morally acceptable,
}      Dr. Ruth will come on and say its Ok.
}      )
}      The rest is Jim's own- I suspect it has something to
} do with cocaine addiction- rather pleasing but not what I
} have in mind for a religious statement.
}
} You owe me an American Prayer, with emphasis on the prayer.


364-10    (04773 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bucks in tux?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fox in socks.
} Clocks on rocks.
} Box in lox.
} Docks at Knox.
}
} Blue in view.
} Crew at two.
} True in moo.
} Woo woo woo.
}
} Rick on stick.
} Quick to nick.
} Flick your Bic.
} *CLICK* *CLICK* *CLICK*
}
} You owe the Oracle the next release of the Dr. Seuss Prose Generator.
} This one sucks...  buck in tux... oh, never mind...


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