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Internet Oracularities #365

Goto:
365, 365-01, 365-02, 365-03, 365-04, 365-05, 365-06, 365-07, 365-08, 365-09, 365-10


Usenet Oracularities #365    (26 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 91 09:25:14 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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   365
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

365   26 votes a7432 3a490 68642 46d12 4a822 18c50 27a61 027d4 29f00 0026i
365   2.9 mean  2.2   2.7   2.5   2.7   2.5   2.8   2.9   3.7   2.5   4.6


365-01    (a7432 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> tell me

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ask me


365-02    (3a490 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omniscient, omnipresent, omnivorous, omnidirectional, and
> omnipotent ORACLE, who is not only greater than I do imagine, but is
> greater than I CAN imagine, who is the fountain of all knowledge and
> wisdom, I, a most humble and unworthy supplicant, fear that I must beg
> a precious moment of your attention to help me with my insignificant
> problem.
>
> For the past four years there has been a person on campus who
> apparently looks just like me.  I have never seen this person, but most
> of my friends have, and have mistaken him to be me, even when I had
> been verifiably elsewhere.  I do not know who this person is or what he
> wants, but as I am about to finish college and leave the area, I fear
> that the situation, whatever it is, must be resolved soon.  I believe
> that the truth of the situation is one of four possibilities:
>
> 1. This person is my evil twin.  He has been waiting for the right
> moment to kill me and then to replace me without anybody noticing.
> That way he can get my college degree, friends, money, job, and legal
> status without having to do any work.
> If this is the case, what should I do to prevent this person from
> taking my place?  (For that matter, why would he want to take my place,
> considering my degree, friends, financial situation, job, and legal
> status?)
>
> 2. Without knowing it, I am this person's evil twin.  Instead of
> wasting these past for years studying, making friends, paying bills,
> and obeying laws (more or less), I shoud have been enjoying myself, and
> waiting for the right moment to take over his life.  That way I could
> get the benefits of all his years of hard work without doing any
> myself.
> If this is the case, what should I do to effectively take over this
> person's life without anybody noticing?  Is his life really that much
> better than mine?
>
> 3.  This person is actually myself from the future.  After inventing
> time travel I decided to travel back in time to give the secret of time
> travel to myself.  That way I will be able to use the knowledge to
> become incredibly rich without actually having to invent time travel
> again.  I haven't contacted myself yet because I haven't figured out
> how to deliver the plans without causing disruptions in the space-time
> continuum. If this is the case, what is taking me so long to give
> myself the plans? Why hasn't my future-future-self figured it out and
> told my future-self how to accomplish the delivery to my present-self?
>
> 4.  This person is actually you, the ORACLE.  You have disguised
> yourself as me and you are having all kinds of fun, which I won't hear
> about until later when I am met at my door by the Police, FBI, CIA,
> KGB, ASPCA, Moral Majority, David Letterman's "stupid human tricks"
> film crew, the local media, and several motion picture companies
> looking to buy the movie rights to my (your) exploits.
> If this is the case, why did you choose me?  (Also, can I have copies
> of the pictures when they are developed?)
>
> Oh, wise oracle, I humbly beg you to please tell me the true reason
> for the existance of this identical person, and what I should do about
> it.
>
>  - Your most inferior supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You're never alone when you're a clone.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed, first edition copy of "Brave New
} World"


365-03    (68642 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Somebody give this guy a tap on the side; he appears to be stuck.
}
} >WHAP!<  There.
}
} Geez, buddy, either put a penny on the tone arm or switch to CD's
} so this doesn't happen in the future!
}
} You owe the Oracle a clue.


365-04    (46d12 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are Christmas shopping ads now appearing before Hallowe'en,
> when in past years they have waited politely in the wings until
> Thanksgiving had had its chance?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} They're not just lurking behind Halloween decorations any more.
}
} For hundreds of years they've waited for their chance.
}
} Their chance is now.
}
} They're out for blood.
}
} Christmas shopping ads.
}
} They kill without mercy, and come in two different designer colors.
}
} Don't miss...
}
} REVENGE OF THE HORRIBLE EVIL BLOOD-COVERED CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS THAT
} HATE YOU.
}
} Coming soon to a theater near you.                         Rated PG-13


365-05    (4a822 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wonderful, excellent Oracle!  Tell me this!!!
>
> Why is my shoe still wet?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Its those darn Quantum Polarity Shifts again.  To correct
} the situation:
}
}       1) Run out to K-Mart and pick up a Quantum Phase Inhibitor.
}          If they charge more than $758,372,754.95, you're being
}          robbed.
}
}       2) Ask Aunt Matilda to connect it to her washing machine.
}          Why ask why?
}
}       3) Wash your shoe as you normally would, adding a bit of
}          Liquid Phase gel.
}
}       4) Bake at 375F for 30 - 40 minutes until golden brown.
}
}       5) Allow to cool.
}
} You owe the Oracle 25 Odor Eaters and a box of Tide.


365-06    (18c50 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: starkesw@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Scott W. Starkey)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle wise and mighty beyond compare, please answer my question.
>
> Everybody here is addicted to Tetris.  Nobody does anything useful,
> since they play Tetris all day.  Is Tetris a part of a Communist plot
> to stop the conquer the west ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm...Mortals are not groveling as well as they used to.  And mortal
} grammar has also, we see, gone down the tubes.  The oracle must speak
} to the gods of language and grammar about doing something about this.
} Still, even though you grovel only indifferently, the oracle will
} condescend to answer your question.
}
} Tetris was, as you surmise, part of a plot to conquer the west.  It was
} to be the first wave of computer games of increasing complexity which
} nonetheless still appeared to be deceptively simple.
}
} However, you are mistaken in thinking that it was part of a Communist
} plot. Just look at the Communists.  Obviously, they spent so much time
} playing this game that everything went to hell in a handbasket (and
} even faster than we---er, that is, the plotters had predicted).  No,
} this is part of a plot by extra-dimensional beings to take over all of
} humanity and use them as mindless pleasure slaves--which, after a few
} hours of Tetris, is all their little minds are good for.
}
} You owe the Oracle a few dozen of your co-workers.


365-07    (27a61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include <stdgrovel.h>  /* not feeling too inspired tonight */
> #include <stdcomplm.h>
>
> Why am I having so much trouble stopping procrastinating?  I haven't
> been like this since high school.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} make -k
} cc question.c
} question.c: 2: Can't find include file stdgrovel.h
} question.c: 3: Can't find include file stdcomplm.h
}
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name am
} "question.c", line 2: illegal initialization
} "question.c", line 2: syntax error
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name I
} "question.c", line 2: too many initializers
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name having
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name so
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name much
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name trouble
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name stopping
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: warning: undeclared initializer name
} procrastinating "question.c", line 2: syntax error
} "question.c", line 2: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 2: newline in string or char constant
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name haven
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name been
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name like
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name this
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name since
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name high
} "question.c", line 3: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} "question.c", line 3: warning: undeclared initializer name school
} "question.c", line 5: warning: old-fashioned initialization: use =
} *** Exit 1
}
} Compilation finished at Sun Oct 27 11:57:16
}
} <oracular interception invoked>
}
} Of course, you must be a Quiche Eater. Used to programming in PASCAL
} or worse, in MODULA-2. That are the languages for procrastinators.
} Write here, write there, everything but the thing you are going to
} program. Here do the types, there the modules but save the central
} algorithm.
}
} I'll tell you what: try C, or even better Assembler. That will teach
} you to program concisely and go straight to the heart of the problem.
} You'll see, it will even improve your lifestyle. If you insist, you
} may use even FORTRAN 66 - a simple, concise, truly American computer
} language, none of this cryptic European stuff. Obey my suggestion and,
} you will see, things will change for you.
}
} Completely.
}
} You owe me a new C compiler. Mine crashed after compiling your text.


365-08    (027d4 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, who has persisted through the light and dark ages of
> Mankind, never suffering from occasional Oracularity, but always
> (boom-boom!) Eveready and still going, please look kindly upon this
> inquiry from one who is least worthy to claim even a picosecond of your
> time, which is fortunately far more than you would need to answer the
> following question:
>
> What are those orange balls doing on power lines?
>
> In various locations around the USA one can occasionally look up at
> overhead power lines and observe what appears to be an oversized NBA
> basketball, through which one of the power lines run.  Actually I think
> the "basketballs" are made of metal, but have elected not to attempt to
> touch one to verify. They are only placed on SOME segments of SOME
> power lines.  If there were only one or two on a segment one might
> imagine any number of rational explanations for their existence but
> Noooo, these are strung like beads on some Godzillsized necklace and
> not to be found at all on any adjacent power line.
>
> Please spare a few electrons to enlighten (but not shock) me what on
> earth, er, what in sky is the meaning and use of these orange balls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You, mortal, who nearly understands your pitiful existence as much as
} your brain can understand, and who, at least attempts to grace my
} existence with your hollow praise, shall be granted the answer to
} your question:
}
}  The orange balls in question are, in fact, a chain of U-Store-It (TM)
} storage centers run by some very entrepreneurial squirrels.  They are
} only located in areas where more affluent squirrels reside, and thus
} are not present everywhere.
}  The familiarity of the storage units to basketballs is due to a failed
} publicity campaign by the U-Store-It founder, E. G. "Big Cheeks" Olson,
} who wanted to have a big name sporting star endorse the storage
} facilities.  However, none of the NBA stars contacted would accept
} payment in acorns.
}  The reason the units are located on only certain power lines is that
} many nuts have the unusually property of sprouting due to certain
} phases of electricity.  While the nuts store fine on one line, the
} adjacent line, being 120 degrees out of phase, may cause the nuts to
} sprout, and consequently die and rot, due to the lack of water,
} nutrients, and light.
}  No, they are not made of metal, but of a squirrel-made polymer that
} will never biodegrade, one more example of how the animals are willing
} to do their part in destroying mans' environment.
}
} The Oracle has spared his electron.  Be enlightened and go about
} your piffle existence, mortal.


365-09    (29f00 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh best oracle, whose answers are like nuggets of purest gold,
>
> Why do I have a headache, is it the radiation ?
> (I thought only married women had headache)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Headaches are something the Oracle has thought about
}         for many, many years...
}
}         First, I would like to enlighten you as to why married
}         women have headaches...You see, when a woman gets
}         married, a special enzyme (inherent only to the female
}         species) is released inside the woman's brain.  This
}         enzyme causes the woman to have sporatic, short term
}         headaches (usually after 9 pm while getting ready for
}         bed).
}
}         As for your headache...The radiation is probably causing
}         it, but I am sure that you have noticed that the radiation
}         is also clearing up your acne.  My faithfull follower, it
}         is simply a trade off.  Headache - no acne, no acne - headache.
}         It is your choice...


365-10    (0026i dist, 4.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whos keyboard never has crumbs,
> Will the USA ever go metric?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ladies and gentlemen, we are here today to determine the United States
} measurement challenge once and for all.
}
} In the blue corner we have our current US champion for many years,
} weighing in at 220.4623 pounds, our hero: Igor Imperial.
}
} In the red corner we have, weighing in at 100kg all the way from
} France, and currently storming the world wherever he goes, our
} challenger: Mean Mr Metric.
}
} It will be a great fight today and one that may change the course of
} history. Can Mean Mr Metric defeat Igor Imperial and change US life
} forever, or will Igor outwit the classy opponent and maintain his place
} in history.
}
} We are about to find out.
}
} Gentlemen, I want a clean fight. Shake hands and come out fighting on
} the bell.
}
} Round 1: "DONG"
}
} They both approach each other and meet in the middle of the ring.
} Metric has trained well and opens with the first punch:
}
}    How many feet in a mile?
}
} Imperial answers after a moments hesitation with:
}
}    5280
}
} "Good exchange there Bob, hasn't worried either of them."
}
} "No Bill, it's still neck and neck, although Imperial took a fraction
} of a second to divert that question."
}
} Imperial decides to attack with a similar strategy:
}
}    How many metres in a kilometre?
}
} Instantly, Metric flashes back with:
}
}    1000
}
} "Wasn't that a great counter by Metric eh Bob - so quick. He's looking
} good tonight"
}
} "Sure is Bill"
}
} Imperial goes on the attack again with a curly one:
}
}    How much does a litre of water weigh?
}
} Metric comes back quickly with:
}
}    1 kilogram
}
} "Great offense from Imperial there Bob. Combining both measurement of
} mass and volume - well thought out."
}
} "Sure thing Bill, but I think he may have left himself a bit vulnerable
} here. If I can guess, Metric should follow up with..."
}
}    How much does a pint of water weigh?
}
} Imperial reels back with such a tough one. He hesitates.
}
} "Thought he'd do that Bill, he's looking shaky. I wonder how he's
} trained for this?"
}
} Suddenly, Imperial's eyes light up and he comes back with:
}
}    1.0431758 pounds
}
} "Well Bob, our champ got out of that one but it was a bit messy eh?"
}
} "It was Bill. I think he was lucky there. Metric should come back with
} a tough one here if he's got it in him."
}
} As Metric prepares for an offense, the champ Imperial slips in a sneaky
} one:
}
}    If 1mm of rain falls on 1 square metre of roof, how much water
}    is collected?
}
} "What a shot Bob! That'll hurt him."
}
} Metric defends without a flinch:
}
}    1 litre
}
} "No Bill, Metric has trained too well and has got too much ability.
} That reply was instananeous. You know, I think he should follow the
} same strategy as before and follow up with..."
}
}    If 1 point of rain falls on 1 square foot of roof, how much water is
}    collected?
}
} "Imperial is down!"
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7...
}
}    7.97922 fl oz
}
} "What an answer! Our boy's still got guts!"
}
} "DONG"
}
} End of Round 1.
}
} "Bill, that bell came just at the right time. This fight shouldn't last
} the next round."
}
} "You're right Bob, but that guy from France is just too good.
}
} Round 2: "DONG"
}
} Imperial comes out and slips in a gentle offense:
}
}    How many grams in a kilogram?
}
} Metric defends:
}
}    1000
}
} "Playground stuff there Bob."
}
} "Yeah Bill"
}
} Metric goes for the kill:
}
}    How many grains in an ounce?
}
} "Uh oh. I think this is it Bob."
}
} Imperial stutters:
}
}    uuuhhhhmmmmmmm. Which system?
}
} "Oh Bill, he's answered with a question. That's not following the
} spirit of the game!"
}
} Metric replies:
}
}    All three.
}
} "Curtains Bill. I'm sure."
}
} Imperial responds:
}
}    Well in Avoirdupois its 437.5, in Apothecary its 480 and the other
} one is... What other one?
}
} Metric jabs:
}
}    You tell me.
}
} Imperial falls to the floor.
}
} 1    2    3    4    5    6    7    8    9    10
}
} "Knocked out Bob!"
}
} "Yeah Bill. I guess we have to get used to the idea of a new system
} here in the US of A. This guy is a mean lean measuring machine."
}
} "Just let me interrupt you Bob, our man Leroy is down in the ring
} talking with Mean Mr Metric."
}
} "Mean Mr Metric that was an incredible last blow there. Tell me what is
} that other system"
}
}    Tell you the truth, Leroy, I don't know nor care. I just know there
}    are three and they are all stupid.
}
} "Interesting response there from Mean Mr Metric, Back to you Bill"
}
} "We've just got word that the judges are going to make an
} announcement..."
}
} After final discussion, the judges have decided to declare the fight
} null and void due to the fact that the win by Mean Mr Metric would mean
} that some politicians might lose the next election.
}
} You owe the Oracle a life in the dark ages.


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