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Internet Oracularities #366

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366, 366-01, 366-02, 366-03, 366-04, 366-05, 366-06, 366-07, 366-08, 366-09, 366-10


Usenet Oracularities #366    (27 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 2 Nov 91 11:15:07 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   366
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

366   27 votes 47c40 1259a 16c80 36b61 168b1 36963 0359a 2d840 03ba3 14c55
366   3.2 mean  2.6   3.9   3.0   2.9   3.2   3.0   4.0   2.5   3.5   3.3


366-01    (47c40 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who is so great and wonderful that nobody would
> even dare consider making a sitcom with you as the main character,
> please tell me...
>
> If all the world is a stage, and all the men and women merely players,
> where the hell can I find the guy who wrote my part and get him to
> add a few sex scenes?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The guy who wrote your part did add a few sex scenes.
} It's just that none of them involve you.
}
} Try watching some "Nature in Action" films.
}
} You owe the Oracle a complete script from an Amber Lynn movie ( with
} all "Oooh"'s, "Aaah"'s, "Harder"'s and "That's it baby"'s included.


366-02    (1259a dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, mighty oracle,
> Oh oracle, great oracle,
> Oh oracle, wise oracle,
> Oh oracle, etc oracle,
> Grant me an answer to this question, I beg of you.
>
> What is the ending to the saying which starts:
> If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans......?
>
> Your loving supplicant,
> Me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If "if"s and "and"s were pots and pans
} And life a bowl of cream
} Then dictionaries would be quite strange
} And not quite all they seem
}
} The world would be rectangular
} We all would cook on gas
} Examinations would be hard
} But all of us would pass
}
} The dedicated high court judge
} Would be both just and fair
} And wouldn't ever think to mix
} Some coke with pubic hair
}
} World leaders would be quite sane
} Including T. Dan Quayle
} Saddam Hussein to insignifi-
} Cance would quickly pale
}
} The Oracle would get great praise
} And not the word "etcetera"
} Grovelling would be the norm
} (What the hell rhymes with "etcetera"?)
}
} Money would be a thing of the past
} We all would trade in cheese
} Atlantis - it would rise again
} They'd all catch colds and sneeze
}
} But "if"s and "and"s aren't pots and pans
} They're only little words
} And so we come to the end of the rhyme
} 'Twas really quite absurd.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Oxford English Dictionary in braille.


366-03    (16c80 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, who solves the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle
> in the span of a heartbeat, who realized the folly of disco even before
> the Crimean War, who spake the words "It must have been her father"
> upon the first airing of Twin Peaks, tell me this:  what should I say
> in the conclusion of my paper?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since I detect no problems in your grovelling ability, I will offer
} a few suggestions for you.
}
} -----CLIP AND SAVE------------------------------------------------
} 10 Ways to get an 'A' on every paper.
} (Simply end your paper with one of these.)
}
} 1) The professor owes the student an 'A.'  (In best oracle fashion)
} 2) ....and they lived happily ever after.
} 3) THE END
} 4) PS: You're on TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes.
} 5) "I'll be back!"  (Hit the weight room first.)
} 6) How about a song?
} 7) A marriage proposal.
} 8) A twist of lemon is always nice.
} 9) $250 in small bills.
} 10) A horse's head.
}
} Each of these is ideal when dealing with the right professor.
} Using more than one method on the same paper at the same time
} is considered gauche, even for the Oracle.
} ----------CLIP AND SAVE------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle two footnotes.


366-04    (36b61 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: mzintl@plasma.ps.uci.edu (Michael Zintl)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the meaning of life ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why, to dispense my priceless wisdom and pearls of knowledge to the
} poor unfortunate net geeks who need it oh so desperately, and to have
} a rip-roaring good time while doing it, of course!
}
} Oh, wait.  You meant YOUR life, right?   Mwahahahahahahaha!  What's the
} meaning of YOUR life?  Right!
}
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
} HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. . . .
}
} >repeat and fade out<


366-05    (168b1 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>         Oh mighty and wise one, who understands the mysteries of
> Gorby's red spot and who knows how old Dick Clarck *really* is, I have
> but a small favor to ask:
>
>          How do I get the women
>                       ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son, this is not a small favor.  This question has been bothering
} mankind for centuries.  This is the reason man invented pick-up lines.
} Some work, some don't.  Here is a pick up line that is guaranteed.
}
} You meet a girl in a bar.  You're into some casual conversation and you
} discover that she video tapes Oprah Winfrey everyday.  She even calls
} Ms. Winfrey, "my girl."  The pick-up line that will always works is,
}
}       "Men are scum."
}
} You are at a church retreat and you're really hot for this young thing
} in cutoffs.  The pick-up line that will always work is,
}
}       "Why yes, sister!  Of course I know Jesus!!"  (Must be said
}       enthusiastically)
}
} Now, there are other pick-up lines that do not work well.  For
} example...
}
} You are at a football come and some bright, bouncy cheerleader comes
} flitting by, her mini-skirt catching the breeze.  Never say,
}
}       "Nice pom-poms"
}
} You are at a Greatful Dead concert.  The girl selling the tie-dyes
} looks at you and smiles.  Never go to her and say,
}
}       "Wanna take a ride in my Mercedes?"
}
} Anyway, you get the idea.  The trick is to find pick-up lines that work
} for you.  As much as women don't like to think so, they are still an
} integral part of relationships in the 90's and will be forever more.
}
} You owe the oracle a rational explanation as to why Gorby's birthmark
} makes him the antichrist.


366-06    (36963 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Orclae! Most wise and sagacious, fount of all perspicacity and
> enlightenment in this otherwise dark and miserable world, how come
> I can never type Olacer properly?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem lies in your technique, dear child.  You just need a
} little encouragement!  Let's give it a little practice, shall we?
}
} Now, first off, your stance is all wrong.  Spread your feet apart
} about a shoulder's width. Ready?  Here it comes!
} ----> "Oclrea!"  STRIKE ONE!
}
} Ok, ok, next step.  Choke up on the bat a little. Ready? GO!
} ---->  "Olarce!"  STRIKE TWO!  A little closer. The 'C' moved
} closer to the end where it belongs.
}
} Allright, now.  Keep your eye on the ball and just relax. Ready?
} ---->  "Orlcae!"  FOUL BALL!  Things are starting to line up.
} See there? You got the tip of it!
}
} Now you need to....HEY! Take that gum out of your mouth!!!!
} ----> "ORACLE!"  HOME RUN!  The Cubs win the pennant!
}
} You owe the Oracle a week of batting practice with the Braves.


366-07    (0359a dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, mighty Oracle, please answer a question from your humble
> supplicant.
>
> I need to find $5,000 by Friday, or they'll kill me.  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your options are listed below.  Please chose the one you like best.
} If you want more than $5000,  use several of these methods.
}
} 1) Steal.  Warning: illegal and dangerous.
} 2) Beg.  Not advised,  it might take very long to collect $5000.
} 3) Borrow.  Out of the question, that's how you got into this s**t in
}    the first place.
} 4) Work.  Not advised,  very tiring, and not a lot of fun.
} 5) Win the lottery.  Strongly advised.
} 6) Save the life of a millionaire,  then ask him to give you $5000.
} 7) Invent something.  Then sell it for $5000.
} 8) Kidnap someone, then ask for $5000 from his/her
}    wife/husband/child/parents/whomever cares.  Warning:  a really bad
}    thing to do.
} 9) Blackmail.  Take dirty pictures of someone and threaten him/her to
}    show these to someone who gives a s**t.  Illegal,  of course.
} 10) Star in porn movies.  Lotsa fun,  but you might die of heart
}     failure, if you are over 45.
} 11) Prostitution.  Also fun, but a little dangerous.  Use condoms each
}     and every time.
} 12) Sell your soul to devil.  Not advised,  worse than dying.
} 13) Work for S & L.
} 14) Start a guerilla movement against a comunist government.  Then ask
}     George Bush for help.
} 15) Go to Middle East.  Make a new country.  Find oil.  Sell.
} 16) Go to Middle East.  Make a new country.  Start war against Iraq.
}     Ask the United States for help.
} 17) Go to Europe.  Start your own country.  Enter the EC.  They'll
}     help you.
} 18) If you are white,  go to South Africa and get into the slave
}     business.
} 19) If you have a religion,  become a televangelist.
} 20) If you have no religion,  start your own cult.
} 21) Contact the mafia.
} 22) Buy an apple.  Sell it for the price of two.  Repeat until rich.
} 23) Start your own 900 telephone line.
} 24) Throw yourself in front of a car, then sue the guy.
} 25) Put water in the tank of your car, then sue the company for not
}     making it clear that water would harm your vehicle.
} 26) If you can't find a reason,  sue someone for no reason.  You might
}     get lucky.
} 27) Become an actor.
} 28) Become a sports star.
} 29) Become a ...
}
} Well, if you have read this far,  that means you are in *big* trouble.
} Here's my suggestion:  open a hole in your shirt.  Put lots of ketchup
} on yourself.  Catch flies and let them lose in your house.  Produce an
} offensive smell.  A dead rat will do fine for this.  Take your gun in
} your hand.  Fire a blank shot. Then slowly throw yourself to the
} ground.  Wait till your neighbors or your ennemies arrive.  Don't
} move,  they will go away,  because they wouldn't want to be involved.
} You are now saved.
}
} You owe the oracle $5000.  You have until friday to pay.


366-08    (2d840 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh noble and sliming Oracle, do tell me this, please.  Are there any
> cereals better than Rye Lumps?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.  Only Rye Lumps make that pleasant squishy sound when they hit
} the ceiling, walls, or the back of someone's head.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Kellogg's Variety Pack.


366-09    (03ba3 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wonderful Oracle, who is so really wonderful, please help me
> out of this dilemma:
>
> I have signed a contract to move a piano from one room to another
> for 5 pounds. One room is in the Louvre Museum (Paris) and the
> other is in a flat in London.  At the moment I am far away
> from both of these. I can't afford a lawyer on 5 pounds, and they
> are threatening to "sue me for breach of contract".
>
> Thanks

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}     Well my advise to is "What's good for the goose is good for the guy
}   that cooks the goose". Since you got te worst out of the deal by not
}   reading the fine print so to speak, see if you can dish out the same
}   treatment. here are a few suggestions for places in the contract
}   where loopholes might be found.
}
}    1) does the contract say anything about whether the piano should be
}       in one piece? It would certainly make it easy to carry if you
}       could break the piano up into wires, boards, and small pieces of
}       felt. You can ask your friends to help you out whenever they take
}       a trip from France to London
}
}    2) does the contract say anything about how long you have to take?
}       Maybe if you take 10 or twenty years to move the piano maybe 5
}       pounds will be worth more than it is now.
}
}    3) does the contract say what kind of state the piano has to be in
}       when it is finally delivered?  If you were to, for example, burn
}       the piano when you were at the Louvre, it would be more worth your
}       while to carry the ashes but if you gave them a suitable story
}       about your dead grandmother I'm sur they will let you by with
}       little difficulty.
}
}       Hope I have been of some help


366-10    (14c55 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@ebay.sun.com ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, please answer my unworthy question so I may continue
> on with my pathetic life.
>
> I have studied the creationist and evolutionist views of the human
> race, and I can understand both views, however it is the Twinkie (tm)
> that confuses me the most.  Was it created by something I cannot
> comprehend or did it somehow evolve into the incredible multi-purpose
> sponge cake we know it as today, and if so could you please explain the
> evolutionary chain.
>
> I eagerly await your answer.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies! What is it about Twinkies that so
} fascinates you people? Every thirty-first question I get asked
} is about Twinkies. That makes it the second most popular use of
} my amazing powers, just below foretelling personal destinies
} and above explaining the success of New Kids on the Block.
}
} Twinkies are JUST A SNACK FOOD! Sure, they've got a shelf life
} of twenty-seven hundred years, but so does seed corn and honey
} wine. When was the last time anyone asked me about honey wine?
} About twenty-seven hundred years ago, that's when;  Bacchus
} asked me if I could stash a bottle for him where his wife
} couldn't find it. I've still got it around, someplace.
}
} Anyway, there is nothing mystical about Twinkies, except for
} the hold it has over your imaginations. Yes, yes, I know it's
} perfect for cleaning up soft drink spills, and that if you
} stick Gummi Bears in the creme filling holes you can play
} submarine in the bathtub. I also know that you can use the
} sponge cake in a passable mock apple pie, and that someone
} once plotted to murder her husband by suffocating him in a
} bowl of the creme filling. But there's nothing mysterious in
} any of this; when faced with the option of eating a Twinkie,
} people are naturally going to seek alternate uses.
}
} My advice is to let this Twinkie thing go. Oh, and Spam, too;
} that's number five on the list of questions, and frankly the
} attention is undeserved.
}
} You owe the Oracle a box of Ding Dongs and a glass of milk.


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