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Internet Oracularities #367

Goto:
367, 367-01, 367-02, 367-03, 367-04, 367-05, 367-06, 367-07, 367-08, 367-09, 367-10


Usenet Oracularities #367    (29 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 4 Nov 91 17:28:51 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   367
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

367   29 votes 05a95 2a953 89840 0aa81 26a83 1ab52 05a86 18c53 8f330 46955
367   2.9 mean  3.5   2.9   2.3   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.5   3.0   2.0   3.0


367-01    (05a95 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (PETROSKY,WILLIAM T)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who' right for me?
>
> I like girls with
>
> long dirty blonde hair.
> about 5'9"
> light brown eyes
> a big "personality"
>
> Who am I looking for?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Welcome to "Who's My Date?", the gameshow that matches YOU with the
} mate of your dreams!!!  And here's your host, the Usenet Oracle!!!
}
} [applause]
}
} "Welcome everyone to the fabulous gameshow, 'Who's My Date?'.  Today's
} contestant has chosen to remain anonymous, so we'll just call him
} Billy-Bob.  Welcome, Billy-Bob!"
}
} "Uh...  Hi there Oracle."
}
} "So, are you ready to find out who's the woman for you?"
}
} "Oooh, yeah!"
}
} "Great!  You've already specified your preferences, but for the sake of
} the viewing audience, tell us what they were, Billy-Bob."
}
} "Ok...  I'm looking for someone with long dirty blonde hair, about
} 5'9", light brown eyes, and a PERSONALITY!!!"
}
} "Hmm...  Sounds a lot like MY girlfriend, but she's not on our show
} today so we'll just have to fire up the old computer here and match you
} up with one of our other contestants."
}
} "Great, Oracle.  I'm anxious to see who is picked!"
}
} "Ok.  We'll just feed this information to the program, and hit
} ENTER..."
}
} [sound of computer accessing tapes, disks, hard drives, printers,
} modems, plotters, and a variety of other I/O devices]
}
} "Well, it seems the computer has come up with two people for you!!!  I
} must remind you that because of a limited number of people available,
} you can't always get exactly what you requested.  Do you understand
} this Billy-Bob?"
}
} "Uh...  I guess, Oracle."
}
} "Ok, the envelope please!........   Uh.....  Well, Billy-Bob, the first
} selection is, Grace Jones."
}
} "Um..."
}
} "Ok, Billy-Bob.  You can either keep Grace, or turn her down for the
} second selection.  I must remind you that should you turn down Grace,
} you must go out with the second person.  What do you want to do?"
}
} "I think I'll go with the second choice, Oracle."
}
} "OK...  So, instead of Grace Jones, you'll be having a date with....
} Julia Childs!!!!!"
}
} "Ack!!!  Gasp!!!"
}
} "Ed, tell Billy-Bob where he and Julia will be going for their date!"
}
} "Ok, Oracle.  Billy-Bob, you and Julia will spend a fabulous week for
} two in beautiful North Korea!!!  Yes, you and...  Hey!  Where is he
} going!!!"
}
} "I'm outa here!!!  AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
}
} "Hey, Billy-Bob, you have to go out with Julia!!!"
}
} "No way man..."
}
} [door slams]
}
} "Well folks!  This has been another riveting episode of 'Who's My
} Date?' See you next time when we have as our contestant, Dan Quayle!"
}
} [corny music]
}
} You owe the Oracle a date with Paulina Poriskova.


367-02    (2a953 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: The Great Squid

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows who put the bomp in the bomp-shoo-
> bomp (shoo-bomp), please tell me what's going to be on the exam.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The exam,my friend,will cover everything from the Fall of the Roman
} Empire to the Fall of the House of Usher.
} It'll cover everything from Paul Revere to Paul Prudhomme.
} Everything from David Copperfield to David Bowie.
} From the War of 1812 to "2001".
} From the Laws of Integration to the Law of Gravity
} From West coast geography to East coast pornography.
} From equal rights to incandescent lights.
} From the civil war to "What is a whore?"
} From Canada to Dry.
} From George Bush to "How to get some bush"
} From Dan Quayle to "Henry the snail"
} From Garfield the cat to "understanding DAT"
} From A to 42 inclusive.
}
} But I shan't bore you any longer. I'll give you a hint:
}
} Study as much as you can.
} Whatever you neglect to study will be included on the exam.
}
} Time limit: 2 agonizing hours.
}
} You owe the Oracle a full 3 minutes of sexual gratification.


367-03    (89840 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear MR ORACLE,
>
>    You may already have won $1,000,000. Just scratch off the silvery
> bits on the enclosed card. If you reveal three "$" symbols, then you
> have won $1,000,000! Also enclosed is a copy of the Mitsushita Hifi
> catalogue. If you order any Hifi system over $300, you will recieve a
> free Mitsushita Personal Cassette Player!*
>
>    Do not hesitate, MR ORACLE, to claim the $1,000,000, you must reply
> by 31st October.
>
>       yours,
>           Mr. A. Conman,
>           Promotional Manager,
>             Mitsushita Hifi.
>
> * Mitsushita PC100, with volume control. ($5.99)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it seems that I still have about 364 days time to answer so
} there's no hurry. Thanks anyway. $1,000,000 is always welcome. I am
} quite short of pocket money right now.
}
} Because this was so generous an offer you owe me this time nothing but
} a free Mitsushita Personal Cassette Player with a Manual.


367-04    (0aa81 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh all-knowing Oracle, explain this paradox to me:
>
>   Three men split the cost of a thirty-dollar hotel room.  Later, the
>   manager realized the room was only $25 and sent an employee to their
>   room with the refund.  This person, realizing that they can't split
>   the $5 evenly, keeps two dollars and gives them three.  Now each man
>   has $9, totaling $27, and the servant has $2.  Where is the other
>   dollar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, I'm really glad someone brought this up.  I meant to handle it a
} long time ago,  but being very busy,  I couldn't.
}
} As of 1/11/1991,  Robert M. Gluckenspiel of Eliot, Maine is the
} current owner of the dollar.  Mr. Gluckenspiel is a ship captain.
} Before him,  Robert D. Glockenspiel,  a NYC taxi driver had it.
} According to our estimates,  in the next few days,  the dollar will
} once more change hands and will become the property of Robert K.
} Glookkenspil of Dover, New Hampshire.  My advice to you is to write to
} Mr. Gluckenspiel before he loses the dollar and ask him to send it to
} you.  Once you get the dollar,  you can send it to the hotel owner,
} Mr. Robert X. Gluk.  Mr Gluk is in financial difficulties and would
} greatly appreciate such a nice gest.
}
} You owe the Oracle The Dollar.


367-05    (26a83 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise Oracle, she who knows all, who has enlightened us with her
> wisdom, do tell me this, please.  Are there any cereals better than
> Heavy Cream Retaining Walls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       No, there are none better (trust me, I've tried them all)!  I
} once thought that Krunchy Krunchy Klingons were better, because of
} their mysterious flavor and texture.  I then discovered that Krunchy
} Krunchy Klingons were made with all-natural, healthy, whole-wheat
} ingredients, so I, of course, immediately stopped eating them.
} However, Heavy Cream Retaining Walls are made with such great, tasty
} ingredients as 4-month old curdled cream (a lot of it; that's why it's
} so "Heavy") and cement (which also makes it "Heavy").  Mmmm, it makes
} my mouth water just thinking about it.  The only drawback with Heavy
} Cream Retaining Walls is that you need to bring a large forklift with
} you to the store so that you can get the stuff home.  Of course, who
} doesn't own a forklift, right?  Once you get the stuff home, you are
} all set to enjoy the best taste sensation imaginable!  Just scoop a
} generous supply of the cement powder mixture into a large bowl, then
} add cream and stir until the powder is disolved. You must then eat the
} completed Heavy Cream Retaining Walls mixture within 10 minutes, or it
} will harden a bit too much (this can do BAD things to your teeth!).
} Then just savor the delicious flavor and aroma.  Heavy Cream Retaining
} walls not only tastes great, but it fills you up fast, and keeps you
} going all day long.
}       Heavy Cream Retaining Walls is available in sizes of 1, 2, 4, 10,
} and 25 tons.  If your local grocery store (or building supply store)
} doesn't carry Heavy Cream Retaining Walls, then you can mail-order it
} direct from the manufacturer.  Here is the necessary information you
} will need for ordering:
}
}       Orders Only:            1-800-SO-HEAVY
}       Questions:              1-800-THE-WALL
}
}       Prices:
}               1 ton           $50.00 + $500.00 shipping & handling
}               2 tons          $75.00 + $850.95 shipping & handling
}               4 tons          $135.99 + $1000.00 shipping & handling
}               10 tons         $250.33 + $1999.01 shipping & handling
}               25 tons         $434.12 + $2532.19 shipping & handling
}
}       VISA, MasterCard, and Discover accepted.
}
}       Anyone ordering more than 100 tons will receive a 5% discount!
}
}       Address:
}                       Heavy Cream Retaining Walls
}                       OMEGA (R) Corporation
}                       ATTN: Ordering Dept.
}                       P.O. Box 9999
}                       Battle Creek, MI  10184
}
}       [OMEGA (R) Corporation is a Registered Trademark of the US Postal
}        Service, ACME Cement Company, Lotta Rock Dairy, Robert Seace
}        Industries, and the Usenet Oracle Foundation.]
}
}       Send in your orders today!


367-06    (1ab52 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great great great great great great great great great great great
> great great great great great great great great great great great
> great great great great great great great great great great great
> great great great great great great great great great great great
> great great great great great great great great great great great
> all powerful Oracle who's girlfriend is better than Samantha Fox
> naked and on drugs (notice how I've snuck in sex, drugs, and rock&roll)
> tell me oh wonderous great great great great great great great great
> great great great great great great great great great great great
> great great great great and powerful all knowing being:
>
> What was I going to ask?  After all that groveling I've seemed to
> have forgotten.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You were going to ask the square root of 81.  The answer answer answer
} answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer
} answer answer answer answer answer answer answer answer is 9.
}
} The second part of question was "Do I ever get tired of answering
} questions like the above?"  The the answer answer is is definitely
} definitely not not. You you mortals mortals really really need need my
} my advice advice.
}
} (oops, got that recursive algorithm stuck in high gear again!)
}
} You owe the oracle some good sex, drugs and rock rock rock rock 'n
} roll.


367-07    (05a86 dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does he do it? I mean really,how does he do it!?
> I've been a fan for years,but I just can't answer this one question :
> "How does he do it!?"

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It appears that who you meant by "he" is not present for the
} same reason that there is no groveling.  I will give you the benefit
} of the doubt and assume something got eaten by some unscrupulous
} e-mail program.  Now I'll have to use my crystal ball to find out who
} you are referring to...
}
} Hmmm... the crystal.ball server seems to be acting flaky today, I'll
} have to take some potshots...
}
} Houdini uses mirrors.
} George Bush uses pre-emptive air strikes.
} Dan Quayle uses a lava lamp.
} Bill Gates uses twenties and hundreds.
} Steve Kinzler and Ringo Starr use a little help from their friends.
} Mike Jordan uses Nikes.
} Picard uses the StarFleet handbook.
} The professor uses hand-waving.
} The root uses daemons.
} and it just comes natural for Jack Nicholson.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "The Easy How-To Book".


367-08    (18c53 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's up?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      Your question seems deceivingly simply on the surface but if one
}  does not stay on that level but instead probes deeper to discover the
}  real meaning of your querry you can start to dig into the deepest
}  mysteries of the cosmos. If you have the courage, your question leads
}  one to wonder about things like God, the cosmos, the secrets of
}  eternity, Dick Clark's hair etc...
}      But then you realize that this is all pretentious philosophical
}  masturbation and cut to the chaser....
}
}            Not much is up on this end, how about with you?


367-09    (8f330 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    To BSD or not to BSD That is the question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Ah, like the greatest of literature, this Shakesperean
} question shall be marked down as one to include in an upcoming
} local play, which will no doubt be done in a small outdoor
} "in the park" theater during a winter blizzard.  Thank you for
} your contribution to the arts.
}
} You owe the Oracle an overcoat.


367-10    (46955 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Klone (aka Daniel V. Klein) " <dvk@SEI.CMU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, answer me this question:
>
> Why is it that languages like C use an underscore for the breaks
> between words in identifiers, but languages like LISP use hyphens?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} When inexperienced languages like LISP grow into developed mature
} languages like C,they lose their hyphen.
}
} In fact,some LISP's have lost their hyphen while simply riding a bike!


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