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Internet Oracularities #369

Goto:
369, 369-01, 369-02, 369-03, 369-04, 369-05, 369-06, 369-07, 369-08, 369-09, 369-10


Usenet Oracularities #369    (28 votes, 2.8 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 8 Nov 91 08:37:15 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote on iuvax, eg:
   369
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

369   28 votes ca510 35b54 0ca51 25e52 0d4a1 b7820 135a9 1b880 07f51 77b30
369   2.8 mean  1.8   3.1   2.8   3.0   3.0   2.0   3.8   2.8   3.0   2.4


369-01    (ca510 dist, 1.8 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and sagacious and knowledgeable Oracle, to whom even the birds
> of the air defer when flying, please tell me, is the Wizardship of Oz
> still vacant after that charlatan took off in the balloon? How about
> the Wicked Witchorates?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Munchkins are all dead.
} The jobs positions you requested information on do not exist.
} Please try again.


369-02    (35b54 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles aka Otter aka Jonathan <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's that?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}    You mean that there?  How did you get that?  I thought I was the
} only one who had that.  Gimme that!  I have to put that in a safe
} place.  It is dangerous to have that just lieing around.  I'll put that
} in here where it will be safe.  Didn't your mother tell you, you
} shouldn't be playing with that?  I admit that that is interesting, but
} that is no plaything.  I hope I never see you with that again.  Now run
} along.
}
} And don't be fooling around with this either.


369-03    (0ca51 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle who is by far the most in every imaginable way, grant me, your
> humble servant, the answer to my query.  I wish to know what would be
> the consequences of getting hit by your train of thought would be.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wow. I don't know if you wanna mess with the the train of
} Thoughtwouldbe. Thoughtwouldbe is a tiny country on the larger
} continent of Thoughtshouldabeen, and the citizens all think in terms of
} "I shouldabeen this." or "I shouldabeen that." Consequently, they're a
} pretty frustrated people. They take out their anger on people (like
} you) who can't punctuate or make their sentences flow, and they
} *ESPECIALLY* hate it when people repeat the words "would be" in the
} same sentence. They feel that it's a racial slur. So, they build
} thought trains of immense proportions to "track" you down and say, over
} and over again, "I couldahad a V8." In other words, death by run-on
} helping verbs.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Chattanooga Choo-Choo.


369-04    (25e52 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and mighty oracle tell me what I should do with what I find
> in my nostrils when I pick my nose.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quick!  Time is of the essense!
} First you must put the substance extaracted from your
} nasal passages, and put it in an anti-matter coagulation
} chamber.  This will solidify the matter, by subjecting
} it to the energy created by the reaction of the matter/
} anti-matter.  Next, order a pizza with double cheese,
} peperoni, italian sausage, and canadian bacon.  (I usually
} get hungry around this part.)  Now, place the matter
} in a petri dish, and subject it to a bath of protons
} of light in the green spectrum.  You must now transfer
} the matter to a piece of white paper.  Now, bathe the
} paper, with the matter on it, in a saline solution.
} Then, slowly raise the temperature to exactly 38.9 degrees
} celcius.  Now, for the final step, remove the matter from
} the paper, and wipe it on the bottom of the chair you
} are sitting in.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bow of Kleenex.


369-05    (0d4a1 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh wise and strange oracle tell me where i can get a copy of
> The Hitchikers Guide to The Galaxy that has been talked about in
> douglas adama books of the same name.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  The answer, oh humble supplicant, is perfectly simple. Take the next
} passing spaceship to Ursa Minor Beta and attempt to convince the
} publishing company there that you have enough money to own a copy of
} their most famous work, given that it is only slightly cheaper than the
} Encyclopedia Galactica. Alternatively you could try to become acting
} Editor, or of course find their last real Editor who is currently
} Missing, presumed Fed. I suggest you try looking at the Restaurant At
} the End of the Universe- everyone else will/ has/ will have turn(ed) up
} there at some time. My grammar is faulty but read Dr Streetmentioner's
} book yourself; I have better things to do with my time.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.


369-06    (b7820 dist, 2.0 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle:
>     How much wood could a ... <THUMP>
>
> dear misster orakle please telll me:
>     what do the numbers at the start of seasame street mean?
>
> thanks
>
> and how do you wake up big brothers hit over the head my plastic
> nigna turtle dolls?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The numbers at the start of seasame street are symbolic of the
} keys to the doors of learning.  Use them well.


369-07    (135a9 dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> am i more like i am now than when i first walked in?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} [Dr. Oracle gets a whispered warning as he approaches the
} "treatment room."]
}
} "Be careful, Dr. Oracle.  This one may be dangerous."
}
} "I'm not worried.  If you had seen some of the supplicants I have
} prognosticated for, you'd know that this one is tame by comparison."
}
} [The door opens revealing a woman with short greasy dark blond hair.
} She holds a spoon in her mouth with which she has been typing on an
} old Smith-Corona manual typewriter.   Her hands are tied behind her
} in a dirty canvas straight jacket and her flowered dress is wrinkled
} and torn.  Her feet are bare.]
}
} [She runs to the corner where she sits on the cement floor with her
} head between her knees as Dr. Oracle walks to the typewriter and pulls
} the paper from it.  From the sheet he reads the single line that she
} has typed:]
}
}       am i more like i am now than when i first walked in?
}
} [Dr. Oracle carefully examines the shift key on the typewriter, then
} the shift lock key and finds both to be completely non-functional.  He
} then walks slowly to the corner where the woman is still hiding.  He
} finally speaks:]
}
} "Nice try, but you can't fool the Oracle.  I might have fallen for
} your ruse if you had grovelled a bit first.  Any mortal knows better
} than to question the Oracle without sufficient grovelling first.  But
} the clear giveaway was [trumpets blare triumphantly in the background]
} THE QUESTION MARK!  Since 1827, when Mr. Smith first laid out this
} God-awful keyboard, before he even had met Mr. Corona, the question
} mark has been a shifted character.  Now get out of here."
}
} [The woman stands, begins to shimmer, then, with an almost blinding
} intensity of light emanating from where she stood, she disappears.
} The light returns to normal and Dr. Oracle leaves, muttering:]
}
} "Walked in.  Ha.  Slipped in through a rift in the space-time
} continuum is more like it.  I guess I showed her.  Ha."
}
} You owe the Oracle a blackboard with "YOU CAN'T FOOL THE ORACLE"
} written on it 100 times.


369-08    (1b880 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How many roads must a man walk down?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no, not another 60's leftover.
}
} For god's sake, man, get a grasp on yourself.  Wash that hair.  Cut
} it to no more than 1/2" long, with your name shaved in around the
} back side of your head.  Ditch the tie-dyed cotton shirt; get
} something made of plastic mesh with patches of irridescent day-glo
} green and orange.  No more Birkenstocks (caught ya there - *real*
} 60's types wouldn't have been caught dead in imported $90 sandals)!
} Go buy a pair of whatever overpriced running shoes your favorite
} multimillionaire basketball player is hyping nowadays.
}
} And stop listening to old Bob Dylan albums!  The Oracle only answers
} questions from *today's* socially-aware and thought-provoking musical
} masters.
}
} You know - RAP GROUPS.
}
} You owe the Oracle a horrific vision of the *next* phase in
} youth-oriented popular music.


369-09    (07f51 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty oracle....
>
> Please offer your wisdom, and explain to me why television never
> renews any high quality programming, and deluges the population with
> idiot-level "entertainment." (with a few noted exceptions).  Is it an
> alien plot to rot our minds or something else?  Inquiring minds want
> to know.....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Oh humble and most debased servant of the mighty oracle.
} Your question indeed deserves a micro-second of my time:
}
}       The reason for this state of affairs is simple.  The
} brain of your average network executive is located
} somewhere between that of the common sea-slug and a slime mold on the
} evolutionary scale.  Occasionally, an executive will emerge with
} intellect roughly equal to that of the domesticated dog (hence
} Hill Street Blues) or even that of a seven year old child
} (hence Northern Exposure.)  But for each one of these, the conservation
} principles of nature require that one emerge with the symmetrically low
} intellect of a giardia bacterium (hence Sanford and Son) or a
} piece of chalk (hence the CBS Nightly News.)
}
}       You owe the oracle a year's membership to the local
} public television station.


369-10    (77b30 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Karyanta

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most sage Oracle of Delphi, wise beyond all space and time,
> of whom I am not worthy to gaze upon your splendid and fragrent feet,
> nor to swim with the other gods in your backyard pool, tell me...
>
> I have just browsed through the "Usenet Oracularities Digest",
> and yo and behold, I find mine own questions and your eternal
> answers, tend to be much funnier than these "select" bits of humor.
> So, am I blessed by a self-centered cloud of illusionary mirth,
> or, like I've always suspected, its because I don't eat breakfast,
> and thus, I'm not conforment with the computer-geek majority?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Insolent mortal, are you daring to question the wisdom of the Oracle's
} Priests (who select the Usenet Oracularities)? My Priests are endowed
} with the wisdom of myself, and never, NEVER make a mistake when
} selecting the proper answers to appear in the Digest. If you DARE
} to insinuate the slightest deviation from perfection in my Priests
} again, I shall be forced to turn you into a tapeworm.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of Cheetos (I'm hungry)


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