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19 Sep 2017 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:35:35 GMT

Internet Oracularities #37

Goto:
37, 37-01, 37-02, 37-03, 37-04, 37-05, 37-06, 37-07, 37-08, 37-09, 37-10


Usenet Oracularities #37
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 29 Oct 89 16:51:04 GMT

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37-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a cromorne?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Foolish Mortal, delving into nooks and crannies where Mankind was not
} meant to delve!  Listen now and prepare for yor doom!
}
} Cromorne is the name of an ancient race that existed even before Pop
} Tarts were invented.  They are the Elder race from which the middle
} class of our society has drawn values and taste.  They are the
} originators of all Ronco products, plastic dog doodle, whoopee cushions,
} Commodore computers and disgusting kids' breakfast cereals.
}
} Cromornes live for all that is tacky.  They idolize all styrofoam lawn
} ornaments as religios icons and plastic Jesus ornaments and the little
} Garfield suction cup things that are everywhere.
}
} Cromornes plot to overthrow our society by diverting technology to
} useless items that will accumulate and eventually bring the high
} standard of living down to that of living off of cheesy-weezies and lite
} beer in styrofoam prefab shanties.
}
} Beware the cromornes!!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a pink flamingo.


37-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> At what age does "middle age" start?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Middle age is not a thing that starts or stops.  Rather, it is a state
} of mind, a gestalt.  Its major symptom is a growing awareness of one's
} own mortality.  This awareness makes an individual ask questions such as
} "Why was I put on this Earth?" and "At what age does `middle age'
} start?"
}
} Take heart.  You are right on track in life's collision course with
} death.
}
} The Oracle is very depressed now.


37-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> where can i get a good lisp interpreter

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} At any good speech rehabilitation center.


37-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is that guy who always writes Minasized Oracularities, and why
> doesn't he ever use capital letters?  oy, you are of the knowing what i
> mean.  oy, the sex question, always the being of the sex question.  so
> much the minasizing.  always the minasizing.  never the capitals being
> at the beginning of the sentences wird haben gewesen worden ist.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} i am not with great pleasure of the minasized oracularities foolery!
} the my english mockery is not the good thing!  i am not very much like
} it!  the minasizing is the hard thing for to learn, very great the
} effort, many of the years of the small child practice, very much of the
} anguish, very few the grants of minasizing, so very few the grants of
} government for the non-citizen.  oy, the years with the working as the
} waitress in dillie's 24-hour coffeeshop.  not very much the fun thing!
} the dislike of the parents of the new art!  the foolery of the friends!
} always the mockery!  even the neh grant of the minasizing, very justly
} funded last week, not the slowing of the foolery!
}
} you are for to owe the oracle the shift key keyboard.


37-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, oracle, tell me this fall: who is the fairest one of all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fairest one of all is a young woman by the name of Godzilla Mary
} Smith, currently in the Harvard Law School.  She usually doesn't use her
} first name, but she understands that her parents were on LSD at her
} christening, and she doesn't resent it either.  She'll make a superb
} judge and mediator in seven or eight years.


37-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>   Why do so many people at my college use this "oracle" thing- what is
> so great about it anyway?  And what is all this talk about someone named
> Lisa?  Is there a large group of people fantasizing about a girl, or are
> they fantasizing about owning an Apple Lisa computer?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gives insight into the Cosmic All.  It is thus very valuable
} -- if used correctly.
}
} Lisa is the current net.sex.goddess.  Many people think that she is
} human (or at least humanoid), and fantasize about her.  Several think
} that she was recently involved with them, and are wondering why she
} dumped them.  Others, more mechanically inclined, think of her avatar as
} an Apple Lisa computer, but this is perverse and it's a good thing the
} network is open-minded about human-computer love or there'd be a massive
} flamefight.


37-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Sould I have avoided appending my .signiture to my last two questions ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nah.  In fact, the Oracle PREFERS you to include your account with your
} question
}
} It allows my associates your identity, who have therefore autorized me
} to make you this exciting offer:
}
}         Congrasdulations!  You are the GARUNTEED winner of one of the
} folowing prizes!
}
}               1. A Chevy S10 Blazer
}               2. $1000 in CASH
}               3. a genuine 14K gold electroplated diamelle ring!
}
} simply call our representative at 1-900-AN-IDIOT to set up an
} appointment to claim your prize.
}
} --------------------
}
} note:  prize is awarded conditionally upon attendance at our 3 day
} seminar, "The wonderful world of mail forwarding." You must make
} reservations at the Oracle hotel at least 3 weeks in advance.  All
} travel expences and accomodations must be paid for by the recipient.
} Void where prohibited.


37-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why does my tape player sound bad?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is actually nothing wrong with your tape player that some
} head-cleaning won't fix.  The major problem with it is that your
} roommate (the one in the fraternity) tried to play a roll of masking
} tape on it last week, and the heads are rather gumed up.
}
} You owe the oracle a "Elvis Sucks Dead Bats" tee-shirt.


37-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey! What's a pneumogloid??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You see, the gloids were a race of beings who used to inhabit sewers
} throughout the Lost Continent of Atlantis (which really isn't _lost_ per
} se, just misplaced.  I wish they'd find it, the Atlantean Government
} borrowed one of my favorite priestesses just before The Disappearance,
} and I'd like her back (and her front, and her top, and her bottom)...er,
} I digress) where they would live on the wastes of the Atlanteans.  This
} wasn't such a horrible existence as it sounds, as the Altlanteans only
} used their sewers to dispose of their unused chocolate and occasionally
} a nubile slave girl or boy or two.  Of course, the gloids liked to "go
} topside" every once in a while, and so they would get to the streets
} through the manhole covers.  Now, gloids had this problem of leaving
} slimy trails of chocolate wherever they went, which did nothing to
} improve the mood of the perpetually grumpy Atlantean Street Cleaners.
} So, the City Planners started making the manhole covers much thicker and
} heavier.  The gloids soon found that they would need some new way of
} moving those blasted covers, so they started enhancing their strength
} with pneumatic exoskeltons (which they got from some Troll Mechanics who
} were sidelighting for the Piss Off The Council Hepcats (P.I.T.C.H)).
} Any gloid who was fortunate enough to posess one of these devices became
} known as a pneumogloid.  Eventually, jealousy between the pneumogloid
} "haves" and the gloid "have-nots" resulted in a messy little sewer war
} which wiped out the species.
}
} You owe the Oracle an oil-change.


37-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why zits?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Zits, because the Creators were feeling merciful when they got around to
} implementing adolescence.  There are races afflicted with epilepsy,
} arthritis, aneurisms, diabetes, heliocentrism, unbearable lightness of
} being and/or engine knock during those years (and some races, it lasts
} millennia).  Really, wouldn't you rather have a few small pus-filled
} sores on your face than a steel rod bashing on your temple every 15
} seconds?  Or sudden, periodic flashes of X-ray vision (too bad it's
} fashionable for female Oracles to wear clothes with lead in the
} weave...) or even a craving for Spam.  Anyway, there are simple,
} effective ways to permanently remove zits [note lack of word `painless'
} though].  Simply ask the Oracle.  However, it will have to wait for
} another question.
}
}    You owe the oracle a case of Clearasol -- effective sunspot remover.


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