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} Hmmm... the Oracle must take a moment to review the latest
} Grovelling Manual before processing your request.
} Let's see... supplication, appeasement, begging, bribery,
} flattery... ah: self-debasement... well, I don't quite know how
} to break this to you, mortal, but the newest requirements don't
} say anything about dung or the application thereof. I'm afraid
} you went out of your way for nothing.
} As for your getting slapped for what you thought was a
} compliment, I suspect that your problem lies in the different
} interpretations that men and women have for similar expressions
} in the English language. Unfortunately, in your zest to incur
} my good favor, you neglected to supply enough information for me
} to properly judge your exact situation. However, I will nonetheless
} attempt to illustrate the cause of your problem by generating an
} example. I leave it to you to apply it as needed.
} For this demonstration, I will use a highly popular program
} from OracleSoft (tm) called Mortal Simulator V42.0. This versatile
} piece of software genrates simulated human responses based on a
} wide range of input and supports both male and female modes,
} multiple age groups and a sizeable variety of other
} Oracle-selectable--er, user-selectable parameters. It's available
} from OracleSoft for a measly $750,000,000. I suggest you pick up a
} copy today--and don't forget to make all checks payable to Steve
} Kinzler.
} Now, since you neglected to include a description of the 'she'
} in question, or of yourself for that matter (excluding the part
} about the dung), I'm going to have to use the STANDARD_MALE.DAT
} and STANDARD_FEMALE.DAT data files. Watch closely, and I think
} you'll see why you're having so much trouble communicating your
} intentions.
}
} $ MORTLSIM/FILE=STANDARD_MALE/INTERPRET=MALE/TRANSLATION/-
} _$ REACTION=(EXPECTED,VERBAL)/INPUT=(SPEECH,-
} _$ TEXT="Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?")
} %MORTLSIM-I-INTERPRT, interpreting text from male standpoint
} %MORTLSIM-I-TRANSLAT, translating text to standard meaning
} %MORTLSIM-I-REACTION, generating expected reaction from male standpoint
} %MORTLSIM-I-COMPLETE, MORTLSIM simulation completed with 0 diagnostics
} $ type MORTAL.OUT
} VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 1
}
} Original input text:
} -------------------
} Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?
}
} Simulated male interpretation:
} -----------------------------
} My dear woman, while I would never stoop to judging one of the fair
} sex by physical beauty alone, I would be most surprised if your
} strikingly well defined frame hasn't garnered you a host of well-meant
} compliments.
}
} Translation to standard meaning:
} -------------------------------
} Miss, your butt is turning me on. Please come home with me.
}
} Expected reaction from male standpoint:
} --------------------------------------
} Why, no! Say, why don't we go back to your place and have
} some wild monkey sex?
}
} SIMULATOR INTERNAL TIMING
}
} Phase Faults CPU Time Elapsed Time
} Initialization 150 00:00.2 00:00.6
} Source Analysis 1219 00:02.2 00:03.1
} Source Listing 46 00:00.1 00:00.5
} Tree Construction 200 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Flow Analysis 48 00:00.1 00:00.0
} Value Propagation 12 00:00.0 00:00.0
} Profit Analysis 93 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Context Analysis 215 00:00.4 00:00.4
} Name Packing 7 00:00.0 00:00.0
} Code Selection 106 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Final 79 00:00.2 00:00.5
} TOTAL 2181 00:03.5 00:05.4
}
} SIMULATOR STATISTICS
}
} CPU Time: 00:03.5 (2085 Lines/Minute)
} Elapsed Time: 00:05.4
} Page Faults: 2181
} Pages Used: 2570
}
} VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 2 End simulation
} $ MORTLSIM/FILE=STANDARD_FEMALE/INTERPRET=FEMALE/TRANSLATION/-
} _$ REACTION=(ACTUAL,VERBAL)/INPUT=(SPEECH,-
} _$ TEXT="Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?")
} %MORTLSIM-I-INTERPRT, interpreting text from female standpoint
} %MORTLSIM-I-TRANSLAT, translating text to standard meaning
} %MORTLSIM-I-REACTION, generating actual reaction from female standpoint
} %MORTLSIM-W-NULLVERB, warning: no verbal reaction generated
} -MORTLSIM-S-SUBSTPHY, physical reaction substituted
} %MORTLSIM-I-COMPLETE, MORTLSIM simulation completed with 1 diagnostic
} $ purge
} $ type MORTAL.OUT
} VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 1
}
} Original input text:
} -------------------
} Hey babe, anybody ever tell you you got a gorgeous ass?
}
} Simulated female interpretation:
} -------------------------------
} Hi, I'm a male chauvinist pig who thinks only of using women for
} instant gratification in purely physical and emotionally meaningless
} relationships. The chances of you and I actually hitting it off are
} slim to none, but I'm going to try and put the make on you anyway.
}
} Translation to standard meaning:
} -------------------------------
} Miss, your butt is turning me on. Please come home with me.
}
} Actual reaction from female standpoint:
} --------------------------------------
} *SLAP!*
}
} SIMULATOR INTERNAL TIMING
}
} Phase Faults CPU Time Elapsed Time
} Initialization 150 00:00.2 00:00.6
} Source Analysis 1219 00:02.2 00:03.1
} Source Listing 46 00:00.1 00:00.5
} Tree Construction 200 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Flow Analysis 48 00:00.1 00:00.0
} Value Propagation 12 00:00.0 00:00.0
} Profit Analysis 93 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Context Analysis 215 00:00.4 00:00.4
} Name Packing 7 00:00.0 00:00.0
} Code Selection 106 00:00.1 00:00.1
} Final 79 00:00.2 00:00.5
} TOTAL 2181 00:03.5 00:05.4
}
} SIMULATOR STATISTICS
}
} CPU Time: 00:03.5 (2085 Lines/Minute)
} Elapsed Time: 00:05.4
} Page Faults: 2181
} Pages Used: 2570
}
} VAX Mortal Simulator Version 42.0 Page 2 End simulation
} $
}
} As you can see, the same phrase genrates two completely different
} responses when viewed from male and female contexts. Regrettably, the
} Oracle has yet to find single sentence in the English language that
} does not produce this result. If the /COMPARE qualifier is specified,
} along with two seprerate data files, Mortal Simulator will calculate
} the degree of similarity between male and female responses and, if used
} in tandem with the /OPTIMIZE qualifier, it will also generate a
} modified version of the input text that, in its view, would produce the
} least divergent reactions.
} The Oracle realizes, of course, that Mortal Simulator may be just
} a little beyond your means, so I will tell you that after running
} repeated simulations based on the situation shown above, your best
} move would be to brush up on your grovelling, go back to this woman
} on your hands and knees and beg forgiveness. And instead of covering
} yourself with dung, bring candy and flowers.
}
} Hmmm... I wonder...
}
} $ MORTLSIM/FILE=LISA.DAT/INTERPRET=FEMALE/REACTION=(ACTUAL,PHYSICAL,VERB
} AL)/-_$ INPUT=(SPEECH,TEXT="Let's have hot monkey sex.",-
} _$ ACTION=PRESENT_GIFTS, GIFTS="Porsche 911 Turbo, cash")
} %MORTLSIM-F-ENDABORT, MORTLSIM simulation aborted
} -MORTLSIM-F-OPENIN, error opening SYS$ORACLE:[MORTLSIM.FILES]LISA.DAT;1
} as input
} -RMS-E-NOPRIV, insuffucient privilege or file protection violation
} $
} Damn!
}
} You owe the Oracle WORLD or BYPASS privileges.
} [Incarnated as Bill Paul <PAUL@HARTFORD.BITNET>]
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