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Internet Oracularities #371

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Usenet Oracularities #371    (26 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Tue, 12 Nov 91 09:00:23 -0500

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Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny"
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371   26 votes 05d80 17a71 55c31 16757 21b84 349a0 04796 35a62 29762 04d63
371   3.1 mean  3.1   3.0   2.6   3.4   3.4   3.0   3.7   3.0   2.9   3.3


371-01    (05d80 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can one find biographical material in English on
> Wolfgang Pauli, the physicist and Nobel Prize winner?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So _you're_ the one looking for this volume!  Doesn't suprise me,
} really. (Of course, little suprises the Oracle)
}
} I've told you several times.  Never wait until the end of term before
} you begin writing a thesis.  You wind up getting as little sleep as
} the TA that gets stuck reading/grading the damn thing.  It winds up
} irritating all those concerned.
}
} In fact, that's where the only available copy of this tome is.  Your
} grader has taken advantage of his no-date-of-return privilege at the
} Library and checked it out as soon as you turned in your thesis topic.
}
} Good luck getting it back.  He's still a bit miffed that you turned in
} your last paper, a biography of Heisenberg, the night before Spring
} Break and then tried to convinve him that he couldn't be certain you
} didn't turn it in earlier.  (The Oracle gives you a 3.5 plus a 4 for
} level of difficulty)
}
} I'd suggest a bribe of hot coffee and a Swedish masseuse before even
} asking for the Pauli translation back.
}
} You owe the Oracle Schrodinger's Cat and an expired Library card.


371-02    (17a71 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most splendiferous Oracle, whose boundless knowledge spans the
> entire space-time continuum, who knows what's in McDonald's Secret
> Sauce, whose beard I am not fit to comb, please take a second or
> two from your busy schedule to answer me this one:
>
> Why is it that for almost ANY food, finding a dead worm in it would
> be cause for disgust, but when you find a dead worm in your tequila,
> it's a sign that the tequila is REALLY GOOD?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer is obvious mortal. In ancient times rulers and kings
} would employ human persons to taste their food to determine whether
} or not poisons were present. We now live in more enlightened times
} and this necessary job has been relegated to members of a lower form
} of life, namely worms (although sometimes maggots are used instead).
} If you buy food, which is intended to nourish you, and find a dead worm
} or maggot, it is a sign that the food is poisoned. On the other hand,
} because toxicity is required in a drink like Tequila, when the worm
} test is applied in this case the death of the worm testifies to the
} efficacy of the potion.
} Cheaper food and drink producers are sometimes tempted to cut costs and
} neglect to apply the worm test, however top quality producers will
} always do so and hence the association of dead worms with "good"
} Tequila. The oracle advises all mortals to avoid eating food which does
} not contain live maggots, and to avoid drinking Tequila altogether.
} You owe the Oracle a box of chicken McNuggets.


371-03    (55c31 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've been wondering, Mr. Cool Oracle, where's my wallet?  Hey, give it
> back!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You didn't think the Oracle was free, did you?


371-04    (16757 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: well!well!ewhac@apple.com (Leo 'Bols Ewhac' Schwab)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most omniscient, omnipresent, omnivorous, omnidirectional, and
> omnipotent ORACLE, who is not only greater than I do imagine, but is
> greater than I CAN imagine, who is the fountain of all knowledge and
> wisdom, I, a most humble and unworthy supplicant, fear that I must beg
> a precious moment of your attention to help me with my insignificant
> problem.
>
> Is it true that P=NP?  Can this be proved without the use of Oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Most semi-sentient, rarely-present, meat-eating, unidirectional and
} impotent supplicant, I commend you on your adequate grovelling and
} deign to answer your semi-interesting question.
}
} As you know, we oracles have a very strict code of ethics which forbids
} us from revealing certain kinds of knowledge to mortals. For example:
}
}   1. Exam questions prior to the posting of the exam key.
}   2. Lisa's phone number.
}   3. The true "dimensions" of Clarence Thomas.
}   4. All about nuclear fission (that one slipped out).
}   5. Where Jimmy Hoffa (and Elvis) are.
}   6. Dan Quayle's sexual preference (and secret relationship with T.
}      Kennedy).
}   7. Why Letterman does 10 and the Oracle only 7.
}
} However, I can connect you to a mortal font of wisdom who just happens
} to be an expert on the subject. Let me just plug this in...
}
}   <<<<<<<The screen fills with carrots momentarily>>>>>>
}
} BEARDED PROFESSOR TYPE: You were saying, Mr. Quayle...
}
}                         (Quayle wakes up, wiping drool from his cheek)
}
} J. DANFORTH QUAYLE:     Yes, as I was saying, P most certainly does not
}                         equal VP!
}
} BEARDED PROFESSOR:      Er, Uh... You mean NP.
}
} J. DANFORTH QUAYLE:     Yes, why he gets to fly in Air Force One, I
}                         only get Air Force Two.
}
} HECKLER:                Hey you idiot, it's a mathematical question.
}
} J. DANFORTH QUAYLE:     You're darn right. Do you know what the
}                         president makes a year?
}
} HECKLER2:               We need a proof Mr. Quayle!
}
} J. DANFORTH QUAYLE:     Oh, I see. How's this...
}
}                         P flies 1
}                         VP flies 2
}                         1 is not equal to 2
}                         therefore P is not equal to VP!
}                         Q.E.D.
}
} BEARDED PROFESSOR:      (muttering) Quayle Espouses Dogma
}
}           <<<<<<<<<<<<<carrots carrots carrots carrots>>>>>>>>>>>>
}
} You owe the Oracle a free ride on Air Force One.


371-05    (21b84 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: J.Cheetham.bra0116@oasis.icl.co.uk

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,Oracle, burning bright
> in Usenet jungles through the night,
> what eternal hand or eye
> could frame thy fearful... belly-button lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Human, Human, mini mite,
} In Urban jungles, out of sight,
} Human, Human, tiny spore,
} I'll answer your question, your faith restore.
}
} I exist; always have, always will.
} With me there was no spawn to spill.
} I'm the one and only, no Mom or Dad,
} No one to tell me, "Be good, not bad".
}
} Because of this I have no button,
} No dimple down there, I ain't got nuthin'.
} And thus, no fiber, no fuzz, no lint.
} But finding this out, you'll now pay a mint.
}
} You see, I hate being buttonless; it makes me mad.
} And it's a sorry human that makes me sad.
} Your question answered, I'll have one yet,
} So now, in payment, it's *your's* I'll get.


371-06    (349a0 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Joshua.R.Poulson@cyber.Widener.EDU

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> I've never seen a purple cow.  Why not?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What nerve, I mean WHAT NERVE!  ...Daring to ask of me without at least
} a few good sentences of groveling.  Well, you know what?  I'm going to
} answer your pitiful excuse for a question anyway.  So There!!
}
} Throughout their long and painful history, purple cows were constantly
} teased and discriminated against by TnormalU cows.  In the T30s, it
} actually became the trend not even to converse with purple cows, but
} just to say 'Mauooooooooooove' until they went away, alone and
} humiliated.   Finally, the purple cows got so fed up with this that
} they all migrated to Tibet.  While there, they spent all of their time
} practicing the secret arts of stealth and disguise.  So that's why
} you've never seen one.  They've all been in Tibet. However....   Just
} last week, they all returned.  They are planning to take over the
} world, slaughtering millions in reparation for their earlier
} subjugation.  But first, they are gathering information.  They are
} everywhere. All around you.  Hiding in the shadows.  Let's see....
} yes, there is even one reading over your shoulder as you read this.  It
} is probably thinking, "Finally, it is time.  The glorious revolution
} begins now.  Die, you human scum."  Have a nice day.
}
} You owe the Oracle something for this damn machine that can interpret
} SmartQuotes.


371-07    (04796 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If I scream loud enough at my wife, will she love me again?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Perhaps you should ask the question:
}
} "If I love my wife enough, will she scream loudly again?"


371-08    (35a62 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christopher Pettus <cep@apple.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I configure X11R5 without (the files from) /usr/lib/X11/fonts,
> but only the font server ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Excuse me, I'll have to look up the recipe....  Ah yes, here it is.
} Dissolve and soak for 10 minutes:  1/2 to 1 cake compressed yeast
}                                  1 tablespoon brown sugar
}                                  into 1/4 cup warm water.
} Combine 950g whole grain flower, 70g dry milk solids (6cups, 1/2cup)
} Combine 2 cups warm water, 18g NaCl, 20..40g Melted Bacon Fat,
} 80..130g dark molasses or honey.  (1Tbs, 1..3Tbs, 4..6Tbs)
}
} Combine yeast and H(sub2)O mixtures gradually.  Beat in flower.  Knead
} breifly adding some flour.
}                               Rise once in mixing bouls,
}                                    once in baking pans.
} Bake at 176 (celcius degrees or 350 Fareinheit degrees) 45 minutes or
} until hollow-sounding when tapped.
} -----
} Your X11R5 is now configured.  Get your font server to slice and serve
} warm with butter.  You now owe the Oracle a slice of your X11R5 made
} from scratch.


371-09    (29762 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you love someone should you really set them free?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After you're all done, of course. But let them beg for it; otherwise,
} where's the thrill?


371-10    (04d63 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Otis 'Hammersmith' Viles <4164@alma.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle whose core never dumps,
> answer me this:
>
> Why did my fish have to die?  He was the liveliest one.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The answer, oh humble supplicant, is perfectly simple.
}
} In order for the amount of energy in the world to remain at a constant
} level, it is necessary for any entity which appears to be using too
} much of it to be removed, so that a creature may come into existence
} which will not exceed its quota. It is for this reason that people in
} cars and on motorbikes die much more often than those who are simply
} walking along the street. Your fish, being unusually lively, was the
} unfortunate victim of this eternal equation, and should serve as a
} warning to you to give up any exercise in which you may chance to be
} currently engaged.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of "How to be a Couch-Potato"


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